Eli's Weekly Spew: November 3-8, 2013

Welcome back to my horrendously long and time-wasting weekly column where I display to the whole world how much of a Hermit I am. I mean, seriously, how lame do you have to be to watch all this TV, write about all of it, and not get paid a dime?

CLICK TO READ THIS ARTICLE

Eli's Weekly Spew - Too Much TV

Breaking news: I'm a loser and watch a lot of TV (real people scare me). If you're reading this, you might be just like me -- except probably not as much of a loser.


CLICK TO READ THIS ARTICLE

Best in TV: 2012-2013 Season

To make this list, a show had to premiere between 1 June, 2012 and 31 May, 2013.

Top 10 Shows
1. "Game of Thrones" - HBO
2. "Orphan Black" – BBC America
3. "The Americans" - FX
4. "Justified" - FX
5. "Mad Men" – AMC
6. "House of Cards" – Netflix
7. "Veep" - HBO
8. "New Girl" - FOX
9. "Parks and Recreation" - NBC
10. "30 Rock" - NBC

I thought about making this a top 20 list because I could have easily picked another 10 shows I loved this season, but I cut myself off at 10 (originally, this was supposed to be a top 5 list). Also, the top 6 are all hour-long dramas while the rest are all half-hour comedies. Coincidence? Or am I saying that dramas are more meaningful?

Top 10 Performances
1. Tatiana Maslany: Sarah, Alison, Cosima, et al. – "Orphan Black"
2. Nikolaj Coster-Waldau: Jaime Lannister - "Game of Thrones"
3. Jennifer Carpenter: Debra Morgan - "Dexter"
4. Matthew Rhys: Philip Jennings - "The Americans"
5. Maisie Williams: Arya Stark – "Game of Thrones"
6. Peter Dinklage: Tyrion Lannister – "Game of Thrones"
7. Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Selina Meyer – "Veep"
8. Clarke Peters: Albert Lambreaux - "Treme"
9. Charles Dance: Tywin Lannister – "Game of Thrones"
10. Bryan Cranston: Walter White – "Breaking Bad"

Honorable Mentions
Diana Rigg: Olenna Tyrell – "Game of Thrones"
Keri Russell: Elizabeth Jennings – "The Americans"

I realize there are a lot of GAME OF THRONES actors on this list. What can I say? The show has terrific performances that I consider better than most shows. I did try to not include that many from one show but I couldn't in good conscience do it and keep the list genuine.

Also, before someone asks why I didn't break the list up between men and women, it's because they are all actors. Why separate acting categories by sexes? That's ridiculous. This isn't athletics.

Top 5 New Shows
1. "Orphan Black" – BBC America
2. "The Americans" - FX
3. "House of Cards" - Netflix
4. "Elementary" - CBS
5. "Copper" – BBC America

There weren't that many new shows I thought should be on this list that I actually watched. The CW's ARROW could have made this list but I'm not finished watching it. Consider it an honorable mention.

And the Top Talent Award of the 2012-2013 Season goes to:

Tatiana Maslany – "Orphan Black"
This young Canadian actor bested highly respected veterans in a TV season with many excellent performances. If you aren’t watching her on ORPHAN BLACK, then I cannot emphasize enough that it would benefit your life to do so as soon as possible.

The From Best-to-Worst Award goes to:

"Community" - NBC
Created by Dan Harmon and killed by Dan Harmon’s firing. The new show runners tried very hard to deliver on the fruitful Harmon garden but only managed to peel back some skin without squeezing out an ounce of juice (minus one episode by Oscar winning writer Jim Rash). Thankfully Harmon has been hired back for next season.

*The choices are personal and not meant to be definitive. Make your own and post it in the comments section.

CLICK TO READ THIS ARTICLE

CFBWMR Episode 1!

Brand new podcast! Brand new approach! All segments and topics listed below.

Press play below to listen.


You can also right click on THIS LINK and save the mp3 to your desktop.

Segment 1
VladyGG and HGF discuss the new podcast.

Music
(Intro) Sepultura - Refuse Resist
(Outro) Fiona Apple - Werewolf

Segment 2
Mohingan and GeekFurious talk about the worst generation and Canada.

Music
(Outro) Air Dubai - All Day

Segment 3
Jess and Magnus talk about VIKINGS, THE BIBLE, NEW GIRL, GAME OF THRONES and a few other things.

Music
(Break 1) Ásgeir Trausti - Leyndarmál 
(Break 2) The Feud - It Ain't Right
(Outro) The Killing Floor - Leap To Safety
CLICK TO READ THIS ARTICLE

Furycast 66 - That Kiss Sucked

Jess and Magnus talk about the NEW GIRL kiss that shocked the world (and disappointed one of us); also HAPPY ENDINGS and our inability to remember its storylines; the new show THE AMERICANS about KGB spies in the US in the early 80s; THE OFFICE trying to jump the shark; ARCHER still being brilliant; 30 ROCK series finale; and many other discussions involving COMMUNITY, THE WALKING DEAD, GAME OF THRONES, CHUCK and much more.

WARNING!!!!! This is an unedited podcast. If we decide to order pizza in the middle, then you will hear it.

Either autoplaying or you need to press play below.


Or you can DOWNLOAD this podcast by RIGHT CLICKING ON THIS LINK and saving the MP3 file (I recommend this).
CLICK TO READ THIS ARTICLE

Furycast 63 - FOX is Not a Real Network

Jess and Magnus discuss CHUCK (way too much), NEW GIRL, HAPPY ENDINGS, PARKS AND RECREATION, ARCHER, plus some other stuff... like how FOX is not a real network... ummm... Viggo Mortensen... what else? Racism in the industry... look, it is an hour long. It is bound to cover a lot of stuff that I can't remember. Just let it be people! Let it be!

WARNING: this is essentially an unedited podcast. Only 12 seconds at the beginning and 10 at the end were cut out. So if we relieve ourselves or drink water or stop talking for a minute... it is all there. ENJOY!

To listen, press play below.


You can also DOWNLOAD THE MP3 VERSION by right clicking that link and then saving the file to your hard drive so that you can do with it as you wish. I don't want to know. Just do it. In the privacy of your own home.
CLICK TO READ THIS ARTICLE

Furycast 62 - That Horrible Noise

Jess and Magnus discuss a whole heap of things including the CHUCK anniversary, NEW GIRL, HAPPY ENDINGS, PARKS AND RECREATION, GAME OF THRONES, FRINGE, movies, and why the Golden Globes are dumb. Plus more. Adult language used.

WARNING!!!! Jess' microphone is apparently so bad that I had to put a noise filter on the entire podcast just to help drown out the buzz emanating from it. At times it isn't as bad as other times. It may bother some more than others. I apologize for this and have all the confidence in the world that Jess won't give two shits about it and make no effort to improve her microphone issues in the future.

Autoplaying for my convenience.


You can also download this podcast by RIGHT CLICKING THIS LINK and saving it to your computer.
CLICK TO READ THIS ARTICLE

Furycast 57 - Shuttlecock Your Turkey

 
Jess and Magnus discuss NEW GIRL, PARKS AND RECREATION, HAPPY ENDINGS, and THE WALKING DEAD.

EXPECT SPOILERS FOR EVERY SHOW DISCUSSED!



You can also DOWNLOAD this podcast as an MP3 by right clicking on this link and saving it to your hard drive.

Click this link to subscribe to our podcast via iTunes.
CLICK TO READ THIS ARTICLE

Furycast 52 - We Are Back!

 
Jess and Magnus discuss DOWNTON ABBEY, NEW GIRL, THE MINDY PROJECT, PARKS AND RECREATION, 30 ROCK, HAPPY ENDINGS, THE WALKING DEAD, and tons of political and social science stuff (republicans, religious types, and general conservative leaning individuals should just skip that final half hour). We also briefly mention the new STAR WARS trilogies.

Unedited podcast. EXPECT SPOILERS FOR EVERY SHOW DISCUSSED! Maybe someone can put the times in for me in the comment section so I can list them for everyone. I am just too lazy to do it right now.



You can also DOWNLOAD this podcast as an MP3 by right clicking on this link and saving it to your hard drive.

Click this link to subscribe to our podcast via iTunes.

CLICK TO READ THIS ARTICLE

Furycast 49 - Happy to be Sad

 
In this episode, Jess and Magnus discuss DOWNTON ABBEY, the COPPER finale, 30 ROCK, PARKS AND RECREATION, THE OFFICE, Yvonne Strahovski, HAPPY ENDINGS, politics, and probably tons more. Ends on talk of GAME OF THRONES and George R.R. Martin's talk about writing the final two books.

Unedited podcast.

PRESS PLAY!


You can also DOWNLOAD this podcast as an MP3 by right clicking on this link and saving it to your hard drive.

Click this link to subscribe to our podcast via iTunes.

If you have any questions or requests for a future podcast, feel free to call us at 201-639-GEEK (4335) and leave a message!
CLICK TO READ THIS ARTICLE

Furycast 47 - Death, Pain, and Politics

 
Jess and Magnus talk DOWNTON ABBEY, COPPER, NEW GIRL, 30 ROCK, some WALKING DEAD, DEXTER, Yvonne Strahovski, and lots of politics (look out conservatives!) and just random babbling. Yes, this goes on for a LOOOOONG TIME.

Sorry, no times noted because I am lazy. But the DOWNTON ABBEY and COPPER discussion ends around the 33 minute mark. LOTS OF SPOILERS (even beyond the 33 minute mark, so be careful, especially after the 70 minute mark)!

WARNING! This is an almost completely unedited podcast.

PRESS PLAY!


You can also DOWNLOAD this podcast as an MP3 by right clicking on this link and saving it to your hard drive.

Click this link to subscribe to our podcast via iTunes.

If you have any questions or requests for a future podcast, feel free to call us at 201-639-GEEK (4335) and leave a message!
CLICK TO READ THIS ARTICLE

Furycast 45 - Sexalogue

Jess and Magnus talk *breath* DOWNTON ABBEY, COPPER, NEW GIRL, THE MINDY PROJECT, PARKS AND RECREATION, FRINGE fan wars, ANIMAL PRACTICE, 30 ROCK, extras (that do stuff in the background of scenes), what the listeners want... oh hell, we talk a lot of stuff. Just listen. Oh and there are two outtakes at the end.

AUTOPLAY enabled for purely evil reasons.


You can also DOWNLOAD this podcast as an MP3 by right clicking on this link and saving it to your hard drive.

Click this link to subscribe to our podcast via iTunes.

If you have any questions, comments, or requests for a future podcast, feel free to call us at 201-639-GEEK (4335) and leave a message!
CLICK TO READ THIS ARTICLE

Rating the FOX Tuesday Comedy Block Premiere (2012)

Here are my quick reactions to the premiere Tuesday FOX comedy block.

NEW GIRL

Episode 1
Schmidt's penis escapes its cast and so he puts on a party. Jess gets fired.

90 out of 100

Oh look... another show breaks up a romantic pairing in the off-season and it makes no fuckin' sense. Otherwise I laughed a lot and there was some fantastically silly dialogue.

Episode 2
Jess whores herself out to different dudes and pretends to be Katie. Schmidt tries to nail Winston's sister. Nick meets his future self.

88 out of 100

Nick believing he met his future self bit was perfect. Jess trying to juggle multiple men and Schmidt trying to nail Winston's sister bit was less successful, though it had some terrific dialogue.

Jess: I had the best sex of my life last night.
Nick: Oh so that was you? I thought it was a couple bums fighting.
Jess: It wasn't. It was me. Having sex. I left my body, went up to heaven, saw my grandparents, thought it was weird that I saw my grandparents, came back down. I became a werewolf, I scared some teenagers. I came back into my body. Only thing is, he thinks my name is Katie and that I'm a dancer and or something involving puppets. 

BEN AND KATE

Ben is a lovable idiot. Kate is a lovable twit.

82 out of 100

It was okay but I feel like I've seen this type of show before and done better. Though, that little kid is ADORABLE! I may just stick around for her because she's also a pretty good actor. And we rarely see good child actors who are ADORABLE.

THE MINDY PROJECT

I love Mindy Kaling. She plays a neurotic doctor who can't find love... or something. She's goofy. Fast talking. Craycray. I love her! But I fear the show may be too good for network TV. Should be on HBO or Showtime.

92 out of 100

I really want this show to do well and to see more NBC stars appear because we all know FOX wants nothing more than to steal everything that is successful away from NBC because Kevin Reilly is still burning mad about being fired by the Peacock.

Huh huh... I said cock.


CLICK TO READ THIS ARTICLE

Review - NEW GIRL 1.23: 'Backslide'

Jess and Nick backslide into comfortable mistakes while Cece and Schmidt try to avoid hurting his member.

Plot
When people get lonely and desperate they revert to that which once made sense, trying to extract newness from a worn-out passion. And so the emotional nuclear holocaust that is Nick finds himself back with his very own atomic bomb, Caroline.

Jess, having just ended things with Russel, finds solace in the arms and penis of Paul, the creepy crier. But when she finds out that he has a girlfriend, she finds the courage to try to ruin his life with the truth. But then proposes to her for him and they live happily ever after.

Meanwhile, Cece and Schmidt end up in an old-folks home to help his injured pine-cone from being rustled by the wind. Somehow this makes Cece feel romantic enough to tell Schmidt she wants to be his one and only forever and ever... or something.

It is interesting how quickly Cece and Schmidt have become the cute and stable relationship of the show. It is no shocker that Nick and Caroline find themselves back together, though Nick's decision to move in with her, even after watching a DVD of himself reminding him why she is the worst thing for him, feels a lot like one of those things that will get pulled back either in the finale or quickly in season 2.

Winston continues to be mostly pointless. Bring back Coach.

Quotables

Cece: Is emotional intimacy turning you on?!
Schmidt: Ohhhhhhhaaaahhhhh!!!!!!!!!

Nick from the Past: You wanna be a grown man who dresses like an unsponsored skateboarder?

Rating
If I had to rate this one, and Schmidt's peppy icepack says I do, then I'd give it:

81 out of 100

Schmidt's erection issue scores this one higher than it deserves. Mostly because I feel his pain. Plus, I loved Nick's video to himself. The Jess and Paul story line wasn't all that interesting, and Winston was in this episode. Coach got two mentions and that bumped this up a point or two. Maybe the show he is on will get cancelled and they can finally have Winston make it into the NBA so Coach can come back and rule this show once again.

CLICK TO READ THIS ARTICLE

Review - NEW GIRL 1.22: 'Tomatoes'

Jess worries that she and Russel don't share the same passion as he did with his ex-wife.

Plot
Nick's early onset of midlife crisis rears its ugly head when he sees that the rest of his friends are seemingly growing up and living the kind of life he once thought he would have. As a coping mechanism, and in an attempt to break out of the habits that have resulted in his stunted development, he starts a tomato farm on the roof of his building. When Winston tries to talk to him about this sudden change, and after a brief spat, Nick admits that he misses his best friend of shared misery. Winston tells his friend that failing doesn't mean you give up. Nick needs to check back into his life, dump the loser, and have more faith in his ability to win again.

Cece, who is still hiding her true feelings for her lover, makes a knee-jerk decision to pull the plug on their relationship due to the pregnancy scare. Schmidt tries to play it cool and quickly accepts a date with her Russian model roommate, Nadia. Despite Jess' encouragement to admit her feelings, Cece maintains the illusion of disconnect for Schmidt even as a storm of love and lust rages within. But when she finds out that Schmidt's date ended suddenly and in a hospital stay, she rushes to his side and, in easily the most romantic moment so far on the show, confesses to the iced-penis bed-ridden Schmidt that she likes him. Unfortunately, this stirs his injured member to life and causes him such severe pain that Cece has to rush out to save him from further agony.

When a dinner with Russel and his ex-wife reveals a passion between the two that intimidates Jess, she attempts to push his buttons to create the same kind of spark. Unfortunately for her, Russel is a man who has experienced the things she still dreams about and has accepted that wild passion isn't something he needs in his life. Jess is still idealistic about love and sober truth isn't something she's looking to hear, and ends their relationship.

When a newly single Jess arrives at home, she finds a barely dressed Caroline in Nick's room. Nick and Jess then argue about their life choices and the passion between them is so potent that nothing happens because this is TV, ladies and gentlemen, and the writers just want to implant the thought in your heads that these two should be together but they won't be because then you'd stop watching.

Quotables
When Schmidt goes over to Cece's apartment, Nadia answers the door.
Nadia: Cece! Da Jewish is here to make sex!

Nadia: I hear you make sex through Cece wall. You sound like dog being stepped on.

Nadia: I like his face. I want to punch, punch, punch!

When Cece ends the relationship with Schmidt, Nadia jumps right in and offers up a sex date.
Nadia: I make him put on black shawl. Pretend he's grandma.

At dinner, Nadia tosses out many things she likes about America. Including...
Nadia: Ice skating for fun, not to save life.

Nadia: Why don't you get in your spaceship like McMouse?

Schmidt: Are you saying Mickey Mouse?!
Nadia: Yes.
Schmidt: In America, honey, okay, Mickey Mouse is earthbound.
Nadia: Lets do sex party. I sex you in face.
Schmidt: You're gonna sex me in my face?

When Cece comes home, Nadia tells her that Schmidt is in the hospital.
Cece: The hospital? Is he okay?!
Nadia: I don't know. I leave him there. I go make bowling.
Cece: Nadia! Like honestly, what did you do to him?!
Nadia: He cry and cry. (chuckling) It was so funny.

When Cece and Schmidt make up in the hospital, he becomes aroused and writhes around in pain.
Schmidt: Oh my god, my penis is having a heart-attack.

Schmidt: Don't bend over! For crying out-loud, what are you, nuts?!

Schmidt: Call a nurse. Call a male nurse. Probably a heavyset male nurse would be nice. De... describe it to them as like a, as a battered highway cone.

Rating
If I had to rate this episode, and Jess' squat-thoughts make me feel like I do, then I'd give it:

88 out of 100

It was a fairly good episode with some memorable moments and bits of dialogue. Though I didn't talk about her much in the review, but quoted her like crazy, Nadia made me laugh every time she said anything. Her accent and her lunatic mentality, or was that a lack of a thought filter, were very entertaining.

CLICK TO READ THIS ARTICLE

Review - NEW GIRL 1.21: 'Kids'

Jess baby-sits Russell's daughter and meets his ex-wife; Schmidt and Cece have a pregnancy scare; Nick's girlfriend may be too young for... and that's all my DVR info thingy would tell me so I imagine the next words were "riding the ferris wheel."

PLOT
Cece thinks she may be preggers with Schmidt's douche-spawn, but has to wait to take the pregnancy test. Schmidt worries that Cece is becoming a girl and wants to be his one and only (the horror), or at least I think that's what is going on but there were like 12 seconds where I got distracted. Yet he asks her out on a real date but she turns him down telling him he should ask someone else. Clearly these two are enjoying that whole duality of man thing.

Jess has to baby-sit Russell's daughter, Sarah, and meet his ex-wife in the process, but you already knew that. What you didn't know is that Sarah gets all crushy on Nick. Then freaks out and locks herself up in his room. No worries, she comes out to reveal her baby bump, so it is all good.

Winston? Something about his boss. And Nick has a girlfriend who is all kinds of intellectual and cool.

When Schmidt finds out that Cece may be pregnant, he is strangely excited about the whole thing, while she is horrified by his reaction. But he says all the right things and brings out her happy-face.

Who is not enjoying the happy-face you ask? Sarah, when the gang has a meal together, stares down Nick's girlfriend. But the two soon realize they know each other from back in the school bus days. And that is when Nick finds out his super mature girlfriend is only 18. Now, on this show he has to pretend that's a bad thing but any dude in the real world would be happy about that because it would mean she wouldn't start getting old and losing her looks for another 3 years!

I may have gone a little too guy-honest with that last sentence.

In the end, Sarah gets over Nick; Cece gets her period; and Schmidt nearly has a "Marry Me" skywriting scare. Winston? No one cares.

QUOTABLES

Jess: Like, you're using birth control, right?
Cece: Yeah, of course. It's just that Schmidt gets so athletic that birth control becomes like one of those plastic barbecue covers in a hurricane.
Jess: I didn't wanna know that.

Schmidt: They say that I needed a Magnum sized diaper.

Sarah: Why do you have so many bras? You're a teacher.
Jess: Teachers need bras too.

Jess tells Sarah she can ask her anything.
Sarah: Do you and my dad ever 'dry lump?'
Jess: Gyaaaahhh...
Sarah: Is sexting cool?
Jess: What? No. It's not cool.
Sarah: Have you done a '99?'
Jess: I think that's a tax form.
Sarah: Have you ever given anyone 'plow chops?'
Jess: I don't know.
Sarah: How do you make love to a person 'animal style?'
Jess: Do you wanna learn how to play bridge?

Sarah: Oh my god! Oh my god! I love Nick so, so, so much! He's so hot!
Jess: That Nick?
Sarah: I wanna rub my face on his face!

When Nick's girlfriend goes to get dessert, Nick gloats.
Nick: See? Thoughtful and mature. In your face! Yes!
Jess: Congratulations. You're dating a girl with basic table manners. You win, why don't you get on her healthcare plan?

Nick: I'm 30-years old and I've peed in every pool I've been into. Every single one.

RATING

If I had to rate this episode, and Schmidt's phantom zygote thinks I should, I'd give it:

80 out of 100

It was a little bit wild and fun at times but didn't really thrill me like some others have this season. Still, enjoyable enough to be watched. Though, suddenly, the whole Schmidt and Cece relationship is starting to show the usual network TV wear, when the writers start trying to amp up the romance drama. Sigh... I was enjoying their tons-of-sex life with a tiny mix of future romance potential.

CLICK TO READ THIS ARTICLE

Review - NEW GIRL 1.20: 'Normal'

Oh wow, I am actually reviewing an episode of this show again! Aren't you excited?

Yes, I have skipped a few weeks but not because I don't enjoy the show anymore, I just wasn't in the mood to write about it. There are some shows I love that I simply don't enjoy writing about and NEW GIRL is sometimes one of those shows. But today I am feeling frisky so I will tackle it a tad. Though, this isn't going to be some epic COMMUNITY review where I proclaim it the greatest show of all time and meowmeowmeowmeowmeowmeowmeow (Badger!).

Since last I wrote about this show, Jess is dating an old guy. Schmidt and Cece are openly banging. Winston is still whipped. Nick has been four-timing 20-year old girls (my man!).

As the episode begins, Jess has been away with her grampaboyfriend, who is loaded with cash in the pockets, and yes I changed the font on the site since I know you are dying to ask. That's not in the episode but it just crossed my mind as I was writing that previous sentence.

So, Jess comes home to the boys all fresh and sexed, or so I imagine.

Jess: I have so much to tell you! I spent the whole week with rich people! I finally tried port.
Nick: Were you gone last week? Is that why it was so quiet?
Jess: I feel like I haven't seen you guys in so long. You all look so handsome. So grown up.
Winston: Thank you.
Jess: Hey, Nick. Finally notice the 1/8th Cherokee. Winston, that's almost a mustache.
Winston: Yeah. It's creepy and thin, just like I like it.
Schmidt: How was your sexcation with Russel?
Jess: I did have a lot of sex, thank you.

Jess decides to invite Russel to spend the weekend at her apartment but worries about how the boys will behave. Then we get some goofy scenarios acted out. The guys say they can behave around her geriatric-man-whore.

Meanwhile, Winston goes for a job interview and is assaulted by some abrasive douchebags but he takes the offer when he sees Kareem Abdul-Jabbar works there. However, his hero passes him a note that says:

Get out now! Run! You will die here!

When Russel comes over for his stay, the boys are definitely acting weird. Nick's crazy man-crush on Russel has him looking love-sick around him, while Schmidt barks angrily at Jess' humpdoll about sushi. Winston shows up whining about his shitty boss. And then the garbage disposal thingy, or something, goes kookoo for the Coco Puffs and suddenly the show is channeling the Keystone Cops.

The gang then decides to play a drinking game called True American with a series of rules that Russel is bound to not remember. Hell, I thought about writing them down but fuck that. Let's just say that the end result is alcoholism. The winner is somehow determined when Schmidt leaves to go bang Cece.

Drunk Russel then gives sage advice to Winston about how to deal with his boss.

Russel: Here's what you do. Your boss is power-playing you. So, you need to power-play him back. Dip your boys in his shake!
Jess: (with Nick laughing next to her) What?!
Russel: Yeah, that's what you gotta do. Your testicles, dip 'em in, ring 'em out, dip it again and give him the shake.

When Jess realizes that Russel is more interested in hanging with the boys than with her (yeah, that's because dudes rule!) she sulks away to her bedroom. In the morning, she seeks advice from Cece since this is the first time Russel has made her angry. They talk about fighting being healthy or some shit.

Later, Nick talks to Schmidt about an invention that looks like a Swiss Army phone, called Real Apps, but they disagree on design.

Schmidt: Look at this. There's no brushed steel. No nickel. I mean, it's got none of the ball and metals. I mean, come on, man. I'm not gonna get Winklevoss'd because of your sloppiness.
Nick: What you mean 'I'? Real Apps is my idea! You just came up with the name.
Schmidt: Yeah, and the name is the game, friendo!

Schmidt: Would you line up around the corner if they called the iPhone a Slippery Germ Brick?
Nick: Yeah, actually I might.
Schmidt: That's why they call it basketball and not peach-basket-catch-it-up!
Nick: (impressed) You just came up with that?!

At Winston's job, his boss, who is some kind of radio DJ, mocks Winston on-air. Winston's mind begins plotting. At the apartment, Jess and Russel's first-fight is interrupted by Nick and Schmidt's business proposal. Russel, though very hung-over, points out that Real Apps sounds like "relapse." Nick then stabs Russel in the hand with the extremely dangerous prototype. Russel pussies out and runs home because he is a massive cry-baby.

Winston gets punk'd by a little kid and then tells his douche boss that he dropped his baby-maker-pouch in tasty drinks. Bossman thinks it is funny and suggest they do it to Kareem. Finally, Jess and Russel conclude their argument with Spice Girls and potential sex.

If I had to rate this episode, and the lawyers say I do, I'd give it:

78 out of 100

It was okay. Nothing spectacular. I probably should have written about last week's episode since I liked that one more. Oh well. Live and then die alone. Or snuggled up with the one you love. Why are you judging me?!

CLICK TO READ THIS ARTICLE

Geek Furious the Poopcast, Episode 9: CHUCK LUCK

In this episode we discuss CHUCK, LUCK, COMMUNITY, BREAKING IN, NEW GIRL, racism, the N-word, creepy dudes and Natalie Portman, and more. Plus I listen to my one fan and sing... or something.

Click below to play it directly on the site:


Or right-click and SAVE to play it wherever and however you like.

CLICK TO READ THIS ARTICLE

Review NEW GIRL 1.16: 'Control'

In this episode, Schmidt and Cece's relationship continues its ninja ways. Jess finds furniture. Nick owes Winston money. Winston drinks. Schmidt strikes. More after the next sentence.

After another sexual rendezvous, Cece drops Schmidt off a solar system or two away from his apartment so as to not be seen with him. Schmidt isn't too happy about this.

Schmidt: Okay look, I'm fine with you not telling anybody about us. But you cannot just call me at any time and just summon me for intercourse. I have no control here and I'm stressed out all day long. It's like you're ripping the side-block out of my mental Jenga. I'm totally falling apart.

Back at the apartment, Jess has found a hutch thingy on the street and proudly shows it off to Schmidt, who is not happy about this either.

Schmidt: Get rid of it, Jess. Pine has no place in this loft. It's the wood of poor people and outhouses.

Apparently Schmidt has been given authority over the apartment by the other guys because he does all the cleaning. Jess wants to have more control over what she brings into the place and makes some executive decisions by bringing in more off-the-street gear that drives Schmidt insane. When she further challenges his authority, Schmidt smashes her hutch with a shove.

In an attempt to deprogram Schmidt's mental disorders, Jess tries to change his scenery and introduce him to the world at large. Though he resists at first, eventually he is won over by dancing hippie girls.

Out in the wilderness, Winston confronts Nick about the poker game money he owes him. This eventually turns a bit ugly as the two begin to itemize what the other may owe throughout the entirety of their friendship.

When Jess and Schmidt return from their adventures, and to the horror of Nick and Winston, the Schmidtster has learned to stop himself from cleaning up everyone's mess. The dudes warn Jess that she has messed with the ecosystem and will regret it but she's idiotically happy about her success.

No surprise, having a more enlightened bongo playing Schmidt makes living conditions in the apartment third-world messy. With no one to clean up the place, things have gone to hell. They further go to hell when Nick and Winston get into a slap fight at the super market over their money issues.

In the end, the group talks Schmidt into abandoning his enlightened state because they need the old him.

Nick: Look, Schmidt, if you come back to us, I'll let you clean my room.
Schmidt: (shocked) The white whale?
Nick: Think about how many dust bunnies are in my bed. How many stray socks.

A paid of Calvin Klein's eventually turn him back to the dark side. And as the episode ends, Cece shows up for some sex.

If I had to rate this episode, I'd give it:

70 out of 100

Meh. All the good stuff was right up front and the last scene. Clearly this show just needs to become the Schmidt and Cece half-hour.

CLICK TO READ THIS ARTICLE

Review - NEW GIRL 1.15: 'Injured'

Jess and friends are back in an episode that was written about me. Clearly. Since I refuse to go to doctors no matter what. Even though I've probably had 12 heart attacks in the last month. I'll just soldier through it. No worries.

I do sometimes worry about that burning sensation in my... but that's not important right now.

So Nick gets injured in a friendly game of American football when Jess decides that tackling the dude without the ball is part of the rules (or because she's horny and he's single).

Jess: Are you sure you're okay? You're walking like a Disney witch. Let me drive you to your doctor.
Nick: I don't have a doctor. I don't have insurance.

After trying to escape his friends' concerns, Nick crashes his car into Winston's already beat-up piece of shit likely improving the value of the vehicle. Jess insists that Nick go with her to see her friend, a doctor, and he obliges, but at her office he discovers a problem.

Nick: Jess, is Sadie a gynecologist?
Jess: No, she's an OBGYN.
Nick: Ohh! I'm gonna go.
Jess: Different thing.

Nick tries to leave, because he isn't in a possession of something the ladies call a vagina, but is in too much pain and totally broke, and is forced to accept the probing.

In Winston's world, a mechanic tells him that his busted ass vehicle is kaput. He isn't happy about it since it has sentimental boobies value. Schmidt tries to be reasonable.

Schmidt: It's time for you to buy a new car.
Winston: You buy a new car!
Schmidt: I bought a new car. It's what you borrow every morning when this one makes the weird sound.

Back at the doctor's office, Sadie diagnoses Nick with a bruised spine... wait, no she DOESN'T diagnose him with a bruised spine. She also DOESN'T give him pills for the pain and DOESN'T tell him to take them, since she isn't officially caring for him as a patient.

Sadie: Please don't take those pills.
Jess: Take the pills.
Sadie: Don't take those pilllls.
Jess: Take the pills.
Sadie: Nobody prescribed them, why would you take them?
Jess: Take them. Take them.

The confused Nick gives in to the pain and takes the pills.

Sadie: Those are designed for severe menstrual cramps so they should cure your baby back ache.

Sadie somehow notices a growth in Nick's throat or something depressing and tells him she wants to do tests. Nick's obviously going to die... like me... and all those... never mind.

When Nick makes up excuses for not going for an ultrasound, Jess tells the boys about the growth and they try to guilt him into having it checked out. That doesn't work so well, so they all cry. Eventually, as the menstrual cramp pills kick into effect, Nick gets a bit drunky about the whole thing and starts contemplating his funeral and demands Jess not speak at it because of her goofy ways.

Nick: You can go to my funeral, but you can't talk!
Jess: Why?
Nick: My funeral is my time to shine! I want the girls to think 'I wish I'd brought Nick Miller to orgasm.' And I want the guys to think 'I wish I'd bought him more stuff.' And I don't want Daffy Duck voices and feeling sticks. You don't, you don't know how to be real. I can't have you trying to cheer people up.
Jess: I know how to be real.
Nick: Question. Am I wearing a hat?

Later, as the gang makes up a song and rap about Nick, Jess decides to now suddenly be all realzies and kill the happy buzz going by pointing out that Nick has never done or finished anything he wanted to do. Nick confesses his soul.

Nick: Like I'm the, I'm the guy that if I don't know what's gonna happen, I don't do something. Ever. I don't care how bad I want to do it. I don't do it. Like if everybody got into the ocean and jumped into the water, well I'm the guy on the beach guarding the wallets.

Jess decides Nick will jump into the ice-cold ocean early in the morning. As he runs off, Schmidt realizes his best friend's penis is about to be revealed and runs after him. But once Nick spends a few seconds in the water, the ordeal of the day hits him and he freaks out. We then learn that Cece's dad died when she was 12; that Schmidt had a human-sized cat; and that Nick likes Jess a lot. The gang then sleeps on the beach.

Upon seeing daylight and sobering up some, Nick decides to go for the ultrasound.

At the doctor's office, he is asked for his insurance.

Nick: Oh, I'm gonna be, I'm gonna be paying with cash, actually. It's a mixture of, uhh, paper money and change. I do have a check that is post-dated. There's a 60/40 shot that's gonna clear. I hope that's good.

In the end, Nick just has a cyst and his friends pay for his checkup. Winston says goodbye to his motor-vehicle.

If I had to rate this one, I'd give it:

81 out of 100

It had a sort of bummer CHUCK episode vibe to it. I liked it but also didn't feel it had any big moments. Mostly just a few that never reached greatness. I wonder if the writers plan on taking any big dramatic risks with the show. I guess with the ratings high, they have no reason to do anything like that. Thankfully, I'm still digging the characters, dialogue, and show in general.

CLICK TO READ THIS ARTICLE