10 November, 2013

Eli's Weekly Spew: November 3-8, 2013

Welcome back to my horrendously long and time-wasting weekly column where I display to the whole world how much of a Hermit I am. I mean, seriously, how lame do you have to be to watch all this TV, write about all of it, and not get paid a dime?

But since watching TV and sitting inside killing time on my laptop are two of my favorite pastimes, so why the heck not?

If you want to read my thoughts on why I like/watch each of these shows, be sure to check out my column from last week.

RE-RUNS THIS WEEK: "Nashville", "Back in the Game"
DID NOT WATCH THIS WEEK: "Parenthood", "The Blacklist"

With all that jazz out of the way, let's get my weekly spew (does that sound dirty?) going...


--HOMELAND:  3.6 'Still Positive'

Who writes this garbage? Is this supposed to be a dramatic, thrilling TV show or is it supposed to be a soap opera? You have got to be kidding me with this Carrie pregnancy. Unbelievable.

This show does the spy/espionage scenes well, and it can be incredibly dramatic, but that just doesn't negate all the other things this show does to drive you nuts. I'm sure most people are happy now that it appears Dana's role on the show will be greatly diminishing, but how does her mom not even ask where she's moving to? Nice job, Mom.

Those two murders, especially the one with the glass bottle, were brutal. I hate violence, even on TV. Maybe that makes me a wuss, but so be it.

--MASTERS OF SEX:  1.6 'Brave New World'

I'm glad to see that the state and sanctity of marriage was just as strong in the 1960s as it is now! The only faithful person on the whole show (Libby) is the one with the best reason not to be. Her character is tragic, and her concocted story about her dead husband and two kids was really heartbreaking.

I worry at times that this show can get a tad Soap-Opera-y (that's a technical term, I believe), but this show has been so fantastic these past two weeks that I'm fine with it. It's been a bit slow-moving for my tastes, but I may just think that because I'm so enthralled and cannot wait to see what comes next. This show makes me want to learn more and that's a great thing.

If the show keeps up this momentum and continues to be this strong, I think it can become the best drama on television. Maybe.


--HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER: 9.8 'The Lighthouse'

The writers think that it's totally fine and justified that each episode has been terrible, because they'll salvage them at the end with a nice emotional moment. They are wrong in that assumption. The Robin material this week was touching at times, and was nice to see, but that doesn't change the fact that I've never cared about a storyline less in my life than Marshall's road trip. Let's keep one of the main characters of the show away from the others for half the season! Great idea!

It doesn't change the fact that Lilly is becoming a terrible person (ruining Robin's new friendship deliberately a couple weeks back and giving Ted the worst advice ever and only caring about herself this week), nor does it change the fact that the supposed beautiful moment at the end with Ted and his future wife is diminished because WE DO NOT KNOW HER. Sure, it was a nice-enough scene, but wouldn't it have meant a lot more to us if we had fallen in love with the mother along with Ted?

Hell, I don't even like Ted anymore. They've made hm pretty insufferable these last few seasons which is a real shame. This is despicable.

Quotes of the week: "OK, that sign might not have been there." ... "The Lamber-cuzzi, patent-pending."

--CASTLE: 6.7 'Like Father, Like Daughter'

I've mentioned several times on this blog how much I think this show has underutilized Molly C. Quinn, so it was nice to have another Alexis-central episode -- especially after how last week's episode ended. That might have been just the second episode of the show to ever have them work together on a case, so it was fun to see (even though the premise was a bit far-fetched).

They made it seem like the real murderer was his brother, but as soon as they showed that cop being a jerk and telling the Castle's to "stop looking into the case", it was clear as day that it was the cop that was the true killer. It happens on every show, someone is wrongfully convicted and one character yells at the people looking into it saying that the case has been closed. It's ALWAYS that person. Such an annoying TV trope.

The highlight of the episode was unquestionably Castle's screensave. When I saw the "YOU SHOULD BE WRITING" on his computer screen I couldn't help but laugh and relate. I should get that for my laptop.


--NEW GIRL: 3.7 'Coach'

Unpopular opinion alert: I didn't like the Coach character in the pilot and I don't like him now -- even though I absolutely love Damon Wayans, Jr. The world would be a better place if 'Happy Endings' was still on TV. I really don't understand why everyone thought his character (who we saw in only half the scenes in only one episode) was so awesome.

Because I'm not really fond of Coach and because Taye Diggs' character and the scenario that ensued was particularly ludicrous, I didn't like any of the storylines in this one. But the great thing about this show is it's funny and will always have its moments. This week's favorites:

WINSTON: "Did you hear the joke about two black guys and two white guys who walked into the police station? The two white guys came out."

JESS: "It has a lot of fours in it, if you know what I mean."

NICK: "Serpentine!"

WINSTON: "I'll take 50 cents on the dollar, I really would."

JESS: "There is a very good looking man in my bed and he is naked. And I am flushed and I am flustered. I may as well spray paint Jay Cutler sucks on the wall and round out the whole image."

JESS: "I once found  note he wrote to himself that said: 'put on pants', with a question mark!"

--BROOKLYN NINE-NINE: 1.7 '48 Hours'

Crap, I forgot to take notes when I watched this one. Considering it's five days later now, I don't remember much. I do remember Andy Samberg's character acting like a doofus, pissing everyone off, then everyone liking him again at the end of the episode. Actually, wait, that's every single episode. My bad.

I still like this show, for sure, but a little variety would be nice. But it's a fun cast and it's goofy and quirky, which I love.  

--TROPHY WIFE: 1.7 'The Date' 

This is my favorite new show this season. I love it. It has consistently good dialogue, a lot of fun characters, and some of the best children characters I've seen on TV. Because of that strong cast, it allows the show to combine them and pair them together in different and creative ways. It's a versaitle and funny show because of it.

Because of my huge crush on Natalie Morales, I really loved this week's episode. Her storyline also provided me with perhaps my favorite quote this fall season:

"You're on. One re-rack, no fixing, no blowing, no swatting. On-table rollbacks and death cup are OK but no iso-cup and bouncing is for bitches."

I strongly urge you all to try out this consistently strong show if you haven't already.


--THE LEAGUE: 5.10 'The Near Death Flex-perience'

That was fantastic. We had Pubercuts, Half-life for semen, notorized vagina, Puber Gooding, Jr., de-foresting, fantasy-fantasy, Howie Long and Troy Polamalu pubic hair, testicular hubris, phone sex and pubic hair wigs. If that doesn't make for good TV, then I don't know what does.

This show is just perfect for immature people obsessed with fantasy football. And anytime a Taco business idea is introduced, you know you're in for a good one.

There were also a ton of great quotes, here are some favorites...

"Well, bring your weedwacker." ... "I'm not afraid to do my own yardwork."
"Amateurs should not be clearing that heavy brush."


--THE BIG BANG THEORY: 7.7 'The Proton Displacement'

I've been saying for a long time that this show just isn't as good as it used to be. While that's probably true, I've probably been too critical. It's still an excellent comedy and the fact that it's remained so through over 100 episodes is no small feat. 

The Leonard-Sheldon relationship can be troublesome at times, because it's the same nonsense over and over, but this week's material was strong. It was nice to finally see Leonard articulate why he's friends with Sheldon. It was something we've needed to hear for quite some time.

The Bill Nye and Professor Proton stuff was great too and the scene involving Raj aand Howard and belt sword fighting was fantastic. Bob Newhart killed it just like he did last season and I particularly enjoyed his crush on Penny.

--TWO AND A HALF MEN: 11.6 'Justice in Star-Spangled Hot Pants'

It's pretty pointless to "review" this show. It's the same dirty jokes week after week (and season after season after season) and yet I still watch. It makes me laugh, sadly. The sooner they finally end this show, the better I'll feel about myself.

Because I just did the math ... and I've seen approximately 85 hours of this show in my life. That's not good.

My favorite quotes this week:

WALDEN: "You know what they say: 'Once you go Black & Decker, you never go back'"

WALDEN: "Let me guess, you're on top of the cake?"
BERTA: "No, I'm the one who gets to blow out the candles."

JENNY: "Just because you came out of it, doesn't mean I don't want to get into it."

--WHITE COLLAR 5.4: 'Controlling Interest'

My full review HERE



It got really awkward in the room when the sharks found out that the first presenter invested all $300,000 of her father's inheritance on the business. I really want to taste her product, but I can see why no one went into business with her.

Paparazzi Proposals was pretty cool, and I would absolutely use that service. Only problem, I would have to find a woman that wouldn't reject my proposal, so that could be a major issue. I just don't see how this business can really work, though. It's not like you can't just have a friend with a camera do everything that Paparazzi Proposals could do. On a side note, what is Mark Cuban's beef with Lori?

Baby Buds was a cool product that I would absolutely buy if I ever knock anyone up (seems exceedingly unlikely), but Mark and the rest of the group made a lot of good points as to why that business plan probably won't work.

My second unpopular opinion of the day: I hate dogs. You can send your hate tweets to @EliRosenswaike. Pet Paint was interesting, but as many of the sharks pointed out, it's probably something you'd only use once or twice a year. I also feel like if you truly love your pet, you wouldn't spray paint them (I know it's safe, but still). Also, why in the world didn't that guy sell that stuff online and have a social media campaign for it. Missed opportunity.


  1. HAHAH agree 100% w/everything you said about Homeland. "I hate violence, even on TV." You know what's weird is, I DON'T hate violence on TV/movies, I'm actually usually pretty fine with it, and yet, that scene in HL last week was too much even for me, and that's saying a LOT. It was so like ... over the top ... more than necessary I felt like. I dunno. I'm not finding that Javadi character to be at all interesting, so that is certainly not helping matters.

    And don't even get me started on the "Carrie's pregnant" storyline. I swear to god, every week I think there's no way this show can get worse, and it every week, it does. It's almost like they are doing it on purpose. Like it's some sort of social experiment a la Joaquin Phoenix becoming a rapper.

    I liked Tuesday's New Girl (and Coach) much more than you did. Coach was an asshole but the stuff it set up for Nick & Jess was pretty hysterical, I thought.

    You just reminded me I forgot to watch Brooklyn 99. Better get on it.

  2. That scene in HOMELAND was very typical of how cable shows write bullshit violence. Shit like that happens on virtually EVERY SINGLE CABLE TV SHOW eventually.

  3. I'm liking Homeland for the most part this season.

    You are all wimps to be complaining about violence on cable.

  4. I guess not very many people are impressed with Agents of SHIELD.

    I would have thought this geek leaning website would have been all over that show.

    That show is epic.

    1. I watch it. Epic is not a word I'd use. Tepid works better.

  5. I think the actor that plays Agent Ward may have been miscast.

    Ming Na also may have been miscast.

    To me neither come across convincingly as bad ass government agents.

    Masters of Sex is the best new show.