Review - NEW GIRL 1.21: 'Kids'

Jess baby-sits Russell's daughter and meets his ex-wife; Schmidt and Cece have a pregnancy scare; Nick's girlfriend may be too young for... and that's all my DVR info thingy would tell me so I imagine the next words were "riding the ferris wheel."

PLOT
Cece thinks she may be preggers with Schmidt's douche-spawn, but has to wait to take the pregnancy test. Schmidt worries that Cece is becoming a girl and wants to be his one and only (the horror), or at least I think that's what is going on but there were like 12 seconds where I got distracted. Yet he asks her out on a real date but she turns him down telling him he should ask someone else. Clearly these two are enjoying that whole duality of man thing.

Jess has to baby-sit Russell's daughter, Sarah, and meet his ex-wife in the process, but you already knew that. What you didn't know is that Sarah gets all crushy on Nick. Then freaks out and locks herself up in his room. No worries, she comes out to reveal her baby bump, so it is all good.

Winston? Something about his boss. And Nick has a girlfriend who is all kinds of intellectual and cool.

When Schmidt finds out that Cece may be pregnant, he is strangely excited about the whole thing, while she is horrified by his reaction. But he says all the right things and brings out her happy-face.

Who is not enjoying the happy-face you ask? Sarah, when the gang has a meal together, stares down Nick's girlfriend. But the two soon realize they know each other from back in the school bus days. And that is when Nick finds out his super mature girlfriend is only 18. Now, on this show he has to pretend that's a bad thing but any dude in the real world would be happy about that because it would mean she wouldn't start getting old and losing her looks for another 3 years!

I may have gone a little too guy-honest with that last sentence.

In the end, Sarah gets over Nick; Cece gets her period; and Schmidt nearly has a "Marry Me" skywriting scare. Winston? No one cares.

QUOTABLES

Jess: Like, you're using birth control, right?
Cece: Yeah, of course. It's just that Schmidt gets so athletic that birth control becomes like one of those plastic barbecue covers in a hurricane.
Jess: I didn't wanna know that.

Schmidt: They say that I needed a Magnum sized diaper.

Sarah: Why do you have so many bras? You're a teacher.
Jess: Teachers need bras too.

Jess tells Sarah she can ask her anything.
Sarah: Do you and my dad ever 'dry lump?'
Jess: Gyaaaahhh...
Sarah: Is sexting cool?
Jess: What? No. It's not cool.
Sarah: Have you done a '99?'
Jess: I think that's a tax form.
Sarah: Have you ever given anyone 'plow chops?'
Jess: I don't know.
Sarah: How do you make love to a person 'animal style?'
Jess: Do you wanna learn how to play bridge?

Sarah: Oh my god! Oh my god! I love Nick so, so, so much! He's so hot!
Jess: That Nick?
Sarah: I wanna rub my face on his face!

When Nick's girlfriend goes to get dessert, Nick gloats.
Nick: See? Thoughtful and mature. In your face! Yes!
Jess: Congratulations. You're dating a girl with basic table manners. You win, why don't you get on her healthcare plan?

Nick: I'm 30-years old and I've peed in every pool I've been into. Every single one.

RATING

If I had to rate this episode, and Schmidt's phantom zygote thinks I should, I'd give it:

80 out of 100

It was a little bit wild and fun at times but didn't really thrill me like some others have this season. Still, enjoyable enough to be watched. Though, suddenly, the whole Schmidt and Cece relationship is starting to show the usual network TV wear, when the writers start trying to amp up the romance drama. Sigh... I was enjoying their tons-of-sex life with a tiny mix of future romance potential.

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NEW GIRL 1.07: Bells!

In the latest episode of NEW GIRL, Jess got bells and Winston got bellsier, while Nick and Schmidt went to war. More after I hit enter twice.

Winston's competitiveness story-line was interesting to some degree but I only cared about it as it related to the humor in the scenes. I liked when the show took us to his job, from the boredom of temp work to later, when the bells had so consumed his time that it caused his firing. But whether or not he has a competitive personality or how it affected the kids couldn't have been any less interesting. And since it almost completely took up Jess' story-line as well, this was the first episode where I felt very little connection to her.

So, it all fell on the Nick vs. Schmidt stuff. Here is where the episode felt the most genuine to me. Schmidt, who has a job that pays him well, having to suffer bad plumbing because Nick is poor, was at least a story-line of substance. Though, a show like COMMUNITY or SOUTH PARK would have taken it further and made it about economic inequality and how Schmidt's initial disregard for Nick's significance as it relates to what he can financially bring to the table, versus Nick feeling insulted by Schmidt's need to pay the problem away, was a cause-and-effect of a lack of sympathy and empathy. But this show doesn't seem to want to become about more than the moment, and so we got some funny scenes between the two roommates as they try to one-up the other in a demonstration of their importance, but not much more.

Nick, who has taken it upon himself to "fix" anything in the apartment, instead of paying for someone to do it, starts un-fixing things. Schmidt, who seems to have paid for the majority of furniture and appliances in the apartment, evicts Nick and his things from them. This includes all of Nick's food content in the freezer which Schmidt gently, like a ninja, leaves in Nick's bed as he sleeps. That's some heavy sleeping or major assassin skills.

And that's really the extend of the episode. Lots of bells. Lots of yelling. In the end Winston accepts that he is too competitive, while Nick and Schmidt make up like guys tend to do, with one dude asking the other if he wants to go to a bells concert, and then sharing gum while listening to Eye of the Tiger. So typical.

And now for some quotables from the episode:

Schmidt is eating a platter of sushi by himself and offers some to Nick, who refuses.
Nick: Looks like you are soloing on $80 worth of sushi, Schmidt.
Schmidt: 'Cause I got the means, player.

Winston's temp job is so boring that he is on the verge of cracking.
Wintson: I'm losing my mind, guys. You know I sometimes touch the frayed part of the power cord just to feel something.

When Jess brings over a bunch of kids with bells the boys are not happy.
Schmidt: Is this something that a mean creative judge made you do?
Nick: Yeah, this is just like a nightmare I had where you brought over teenagers with bells!

When the boys object to Jess bringing the kids over, she reacts aggressively.
Jess: And I'm not really asking permission, I'm giving you a heads-up. (uncomfortable silence) Well, that got serious!

When one of the kids uses the toilet and it floods, Nick has to manipulate his creative fix-it.
Nick: There we go. No problem.
Schmidt: Perfect. You did it. The plastic soda bottle is right where it's supposed to be. Back in the wall-hole!

When Winston shows a crazy impressive natural ability to play bells, Jess asks him to work with her and the kids.
Wintson: I don't know, I think I could be into this.
Jess: Yay!
Nick: And with that statement, he never had sex again.

Schmidt, having asked Nick for a "fancy fix" of the toilet, is impatient as Nick works on the problem.
Schmidt: Nick, look, I don't mean to nag you but how long is this going to take?
Nick: Fancy fix? Fancy amount of time.

Schmidt: If only there was some sort of pipe and water expert that we could hire to come fix this problem.
Nick: Yeah, I can't afford a plumber.
Schmidt: A plumber! That's what it's called!

When Schmidt hires a plumber, Nick is not happy. The two argue about throwing money at a problem.
Schmidt: Is this 'my favorite bedspread' all over again?
Nick: That was a handmade gift my nanny gave me that you spilled a pitcher of Midori Sours on and now you bring it up like it's nothing?!
Schmidt: I left you a check for $30 on your pillow. Your nanny gave you that thing for free. So as far as I'm concerned, you're up thirty bucks.
Nick: My nanny is dead! I'm not looking to make money off of her!
Schmidt: I will not apologize again for the Midori Sour!
Nick: Who drinks Midori Sour?!

Schmidt: It's an American classic with Asian influences!

When Schmidt tries to shoot baskets inside the apartment, the backboard falls off nearly hitting him.
Nick: Yeah, I unfixed that.
Schmidt: Yeah, well how you gonna unfix a dead Schmidt?!

When an un-fixed cabinet door falls off as Jess tries to open it, she expresses her frustration.
Jess: This has to stop! It's not my war!

Schmidt suspects Nick has been using his hair product.
Nick: Okay, Schmidt, I didn't use your conditioner.
Schmidt: Why's your hair look so baby soft?!

After the two argue, Schmidt angrily calls Nick a loser but immediately feels bad about it.
Schmidt: Just these are the things that come out, man, when you take another man's conditioner.

Nick and Winston talk seriously about friends.
Nick: You know what sucks about getting older? Your friends have known you for way too long. They've got too much on ya.
Winston: Yup.
Nick: I want friends who still lie to me because they don't want to hurt my feelings. I sadly kind of mean that.

If I had to rate this one I'd give it:

78 out of 100

It wasn't anything special but I did enjoy the bro-fighting and the somewhat memorable bits of dialogue.

I can't believe I put this much time into an episode I didn't love (the quotable stuff mostly).

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NEW GIRL 1.06: Thanksgiving

So Zooey is super damn cute. And I want her to be all like romantic about me because her eyes glow in that adorable way when girls have convinced themselves they are totally in love with you, right before you sabotage it because you don't know how to be loved because daddy never hugged you and mommy blamed you for causing problems in the family so she beat you with a shoe or something. Not that it is anything like my life, just saying. That could happen to people.

So Jess asks a boy named Paul out and invites him to Thanksgiving with her roommates.

Schmidt: Jess, be honest, is the turkey named Paul?
Jess: It's a real guy. And he teaches at my school. And he's really, really hoooooooot! And the turkey is named Hank! (laughing to herself) Hanksgiving. And we are gonna eat him, so..

Jess assures the boys that she will do everything. The guys have other concerns.

Winston: Are we gonna be able to hang out with Paul, or is he also a teacher?
Jess: No, he's a total guy's guy. He normally spends Thanksgiving with his nana but she just passed away.
Nick: (sarcastically) That's a great plan, Jess. Be the girl who replaces his dead nana.
Jess: (totally unaware) I know!

As the boys worry that Paul is going to become the fifth roommate, Jess notes a more immediate problem.

Jess: You guys, don't even get up. Just enjoy your beers, this is gonna be a great meal. Just curious, does anyobody know anything about cooking? No pressure, just like cooking a turkey for example. It says you need some kind of strain.

When Schmidt offers a mildly informative tip on the process, Jess is excited and asks for more. The boys are edgy about the whole deal and Schmidt fires back.

Schmidt: Here's a tip. Don't cook Thanksgiving dinner for five people in fourteen hours. Here's another tip, don't ask a guy out on a first date on the least sexy holiday in America.
Jess: What are the most sexy holidays?
Schmidt: The most sexy holidays are 4th of July; ahhhh, Independence Day, obviously; Women's History month; and Christmas.

When Jess asks Schmidt for help he refuses, but she baits him with inviting Cece. To the objections of Nick and Winston, he cracks but declares he has kitchen control issues and doesn't deal well with being told what to do.

What is clear is that Jess is a danger to herself in the kitchen. It's also clear that this turkey is frozen rock hard solid (that's what she said?) and we are treated to a montage of Jess trying to thaw it, or force it into the oven (yes, I have had that problem before, ohhh!).

When Paul arrives early, before the turkey is even out of the dryer, Jess is looking a bit dumpy.

Jess: How do I look?!
Schmidt: It's better if you don't know.

Paul is dressed up, looking all proper and shit, but the gang quickly discovers that he is just as quirky as Jess. Nick is horrified.

Nick: Oh my god, there's two of them.

Paul's a happy fellow but Nick is a big grumpster and Jess pulls him aside to head off a problem.

Jess: I just need you not to do that thing that you do!
Nick: What thing? I don't do a thing.
Jess: Yes, you get all mean and you make that little turtle face.
Nick: Okay, I don't think I make a turtle face.
Jess: Just talk to him like a normal human being. Not about politics, or small business loans, or Google conspiracy thing, okay?!

Nick agrees to help Jess try to impress. Winston decides to play word association with Paul. The turkey tumbles around in the dryer. Schmidt and Cece discuss being sanitary. When that discussion results in the trashing of all the walnuts, Paul volunteers to go get more. However, since he is a bit tipsy, Nick is volunteered to drive him (couldn't Nick have done this by himself instead?). The two share an uncomfortable ride.

Meanwhile, back in the kitchen, Schmidt and Cece are cooking up a storm. Cece, the naughty little bad girl that she is, knowing Schmidt's issues with being sanitary, shoves a bit of food in his face.

Schmidt: (with Cece looking at him sexily amused) What, what?! No! What is wrong with you?! Look at this recipe! Look at the recipe. Where in this recipe does it say 'put mashed potatoes on Schmidt's nose'?!

Soon after, the turkey explodes, smoking up the entire apartment. As the boys try to air it out with pillows, Schmidt makes a verbal note of the predicament.

Schmidt: It's like a Prince video!

The boys are not happy about the circumstances in which they find themselves.

Winston: Remember when there was only dudes living here and we had no fires?
Nick: This is ridiculous! Three months ago we didn't even know this girl.

When the boys decide to leave to go to a bar, Paul convinces them to stick around and eat the food they have been making. But Jess has an issue with Nick's problem with Paul and they argue outside of a neighbor's apartment as the rest of the gang listens from inside.

Nick: Does it matter what I think?! Does it? 'Cause I don't have to have sex with him.
Jess: I do. I want to. I want to have sex with him.. big time! (Paul reacts surprised inside the apartment) You heard me, big time! Okay? I wanna take him down to China Town and slice him off a piece of this pumpkin pie, okay?
Paul: (to Winston) What is pumpkin pie?
Jess: I wanna do all the things that you do in a bedroom, with him, okay? I wanna do it standing up and sitting down. And half up and half down. And the wiggly one. And the bear attack. And the claws in the head...

When Jess discovers that Paul has heard the entire conversation, she is embarrassed but survives. As she and Cece discuss it in the kitchen, her hot model friend confesses that Schmidt's earlier outburst turned her on. Apparently she is super into angry guys. If girls like this existed in the real world, I would already be thrice divorced.... but via exotic gorgeous chicks, yo. Win-win.

As Paul tunes his stringed instrument thingy, he senses hostility from Nick and decides to confront the problem.

Paul: (sitting next to him) Nick, I gotta just say something to you. I feel like you think I'm kind of annoying.
Nick: You didn't have to come here to say that, you could have done it from over there.
Paul: Okay, and if that's the case, which I don't know that it is..
Nick: It is.
Paul: I don't care. I actually feel sort of sorry for you. Because this point in your life, I know that you'll never dislike me more than you dislike yourself.
Nick: Really? That's what you're going with, Violin?

Back in the kitchen, Cece attempts to get her angry-Schmidt fix by antagonizing him. Schmidt tries really hard not to get pissed as she dips her fingers in his pudding (these things just write themselves, folks). Schmidt is not liking it but is trying to manage his temper having just misguidedly promised to never yell at her again.

Schmidt: It's so gross.
Cece: Yell.
Schmidt: I'd really, I'd really rather you not do that.
Cece: I haven't washed my hands since three o'clock and I'm gonna double dip.

But he doesn't bite. Poor gorgeous Cece's needs are not met.

Just when things are going well and Thanksgiving dinner is being served, and Paul is playing a happy tune, he discovers the occupant's rotting corpse!

Jess: Poor Mrs. Beverly.
Schmidt: Oh Miss Beverly from the mailboxes.

In the end, the gang stands in line for Black Friday at Best Buy (paid in-show advertisement!) and Paul brings sandwiches... and I suddenly feel like I am watching CHUCK.

If I was forced to rate this episode at gunpoint, I would give it:

84 out of 100.

It was a cute and fun little episode and gave me the fix I needed but missed the mark a bit in being as funny as previous episodes, and for giving no real payoff to any of the more dramatic/antagonistic moments. Still, it is a solid B.

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NEW GIRL 1.05: Cece Crashes

The 5th episode of my new favorite show... on FOX... on Tuesdays, had another adorable skip and hop to dorkyland and I'm here to tell you aboot it. I did that aboot for the Canadian readers who otherwise have to live in a cold, empty land with free health care and Tim Hortons. That's what we call a shoot-oot.

Goddamn lame Canadian jokes! Is this what the site has become? This is almost as bad as doing a weekly SUPERNATURAL article... which will start this coming weekend! Alright, let me get to the episode.

Cece gets into an argument with her DJ significant other at a club and she is super upset about it.

Cece: I really felt Gavin was different. Didn't you feel like he was different?
Jess: Yeah. I mean he seemed like a really nice European DJ with a face tattoo.

Jess thinks she would be better off staying with her and the dudes, because what a hot super model type needs is horny above average guys who think they deserve a girl of her caliber to rub up against all night like a pack of wolves.

Back at the apartment, Schmidt has decided to wear a kimono for relaxing purposes. Winston is a bit disturbed and mockingly rips his pants off in protest and adorns himself with tissue paper.

Schmidt: You are laughing in the face of thousands of years of Samurai culture and it's an affront, Winston! It's an affront!

When the girls arrive at the apartment, Jess gathers the guys up for a little talk about her friend, totally unaware that she is giving the boys carte blanche (ooh, fancy words!) to try to get sexy like a meow meow with her besty.

Jess: Cece's really vulnerable right now and when she's drunk, she has no boundaries. So she's really grabby, really physical. She's really loose with her body. So I just wanna apologize in advance for anything she might do.
Schmidt: (trying really hard to act cool) Good to know.
Winston: Yeah, thanks for telling us.

When Jess next sees her friends, the boys have totally taken advantage of Cece's looseness (have I ever mentioned that drunk sluts are like the best thing ever? No? Should I not have just mentioned that?) and are having some kind of dance party with her. Well, except for Nick who is grumpily watching it all unfold. When Cece tries to drag him onto the makeshift dance floor, he protests.

Nick: No, I don't dance. I'm from the town in FOOTLOOSE.

When Cece gets a bit too physical and tries to rip Nick's shirt off, he suggests it may be time for her to do the sleepy time. Schmidt then sheep-dog dance-herds her drunken sexy ass into the bedroom. I have never done this... and feel deprived.

Schmidt, having herded Cece into his bed, runs out into the living-room to declare his success..

Schmidt: Yes! She is sleeping on my sheets right now. Not yours, bro! Mine!
Schmidt then proceeds to run up the wall, then tumble around the floor mumbling to himself.
Schmidt: Parkour!
Winston: (to Nick) You know what? I think I might actually have a chance with her. I just have to be cooler than that guy.
Schmidt: Parkour! (jumping up) A wise man once foretold of a magical night where I would engage in non-sexual foreplay with a model, my friends. And tonight...
Nick: Don't say...
Schmidt: (together) ...is that night!

The next morning, as Cece showers off the drunk and man-sweat from her sweet, delicate, soft like a pillow-made-of-angels body, the boys gather in the gym sized bathroom that exists only in the land of TV. Cece sticks out her head from the shower and asks if the water gets any hotter.

Winston: (flustered) Guhhh, dudud do you want me uhhh... I mean I I could, if you, if you...
Nick: I can... I'm good at fixing... yeah, I'm good at fixing, also.

Jess comes in to rescue poor defenseless babe-in-the-woods Cece from the rape monsters. When Nick puts himself in a position to be touched by Cece, Jess is not happy.

Jess: I'm disappointed with all if you, especially you!
Nick: It was a bad moment...
Jess: (whispering) I thought you were better than that.
Nick: I know, I am, sometimes.
Jess leaves, allowing the real guy talk, that all the ladies miss in the real world when they leave the room, to commence.
Schmidt: Did you see that cleavage? I just wanna get my arm stuck down there. Like 127 HOURS style. And then, and then (makes a sawing motion on his arm) sssss, sssss, sssss. I'll just cut if for days. I don't care, I'll cut through the bone and nerve (makes a breaking sound).
Winston: Schmidt!

Meanwhile, Cece thinks Nick has a thing for Jess and implants the thought into Jess' brainz that he wants to make nekkid-time with her. This freaks Jess out and causes some hilarious overreaction from her anytime Nick does anything remotely nice, caring, or just not douchie. There is a pretty funny bit in a store where Jess is trying to get Nick to stop pointing his feet at her, since Cece explained it means he wants her.

Now back at the homestead, where the air makes you choke, and people don't know you, and trust is a joke, Cece is sunbathing on the roof and Winston decides to call into question Schmidt's ability to "close." Schmidt is frightened by the roof because of a cat that roams the area.

Winston: You mean to tell me you'll let a cat stop you from all that?
Schmidt: It's a bird cat, man. It's very dangerous. Look it up, double-rabies.

Eventually Nick does one too many almost nice things for Jess and she escapes his car and runs home alone, the wrong way, frightened that he wants to butt-sex-rape her or something. Who knows, really, since Jess' brain is a tad screwy in the cabeza. When she finally arrives home, she is disturbed by the amount of hotness exuding from her body.

Jess: His feet were pointed directly at me the whole time! Did I do this? Am I dressing too provocatively? Do I need to get thicker pajamas? Maybe it's my posture. I have really sexy posture.

When Nick returns he is very upset that Jess escaped his rape-plan, or something about being concerned for her safety, whichever. Cece still interprets this as romantic feelings and tells Jess she will talk to Nick about it. Jess refuses to let Cece do any such thing and they wrestle, then talk. That wrestling bit should really have gone on longer and gotten a lot hotter. Just sayin'.

As the girls talk out their feelings, Jess let's Cece know just how different they are.

Jess: I like moving slow! I like being weird and taking my time. I'm not like you. I don't just jump in the potato-sack with the first potato that I meet with diabetes.
Cece: OK, what did you just say?
Jess: You heard me, bitch!

Why can't I meet a girl this adorkable? WHY?!

In the end, Schmidt finally gets to sleep in the bed with Cece and they hold hands and some other shit happens.

If I had to score this episode, I would give it:

85 out of 100.

It was very funny in spots and Jess was sometimes adorable while also having a good amount of weird-annoying in her that added to the quirkiness. This was more Schmidt's episode as he tried to score some physical contact with a model. Nick and Jess continue their subtle will-they-won't-they with some wacky moments. It loses some points for not being as memorable as previous episodes and falling a bit flat in the awesomely quotable category.

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NEW GIRL 1.04: Show And Tell

I cannot tell a lie, I LOVE this little show on FOX called NEW GIRL. I fell in love with it when I saw the pilot episode, and even when they replaced "Coach" (whyyyy!??!?!) with a guy not as interesting in episode 2, I still loved the show (but in slight protest).

But why haven't I written about it outside of my initial impression of the pilot? Well, because I was sooooo in love with the main character that I just done forgot, damn! But here is my first real write-up of an episode of... NEW GIRL.

As usual, I don't do episode recaps like normal people, so here we go.

In this episode Jess accidentally sees Jeff's wang and laughs like a freakish alien-bird. This messes Nick up so much that when he tries to nail some hottie, he can't even take his clothes off. He is that mortified by the experience. Meanwhile, Schmidt realizes he is the only one who hasn't seen Nick's gigantic schlong and so he goes on a mission to put it in his mouth. Or, something. Butt maybe? I don't know.

And I am already bored so let's get to some of my favorite quotable moments:

After walking in on "the dudes" watching a scary movie and depositing herself on the couch with them, Jess has a brilliant idea.
Jess: You know what we should watch? Have you guys ever seen FAME? It's about a group of dreamers with talent to spare, taking New York City by storm, one dance number at a time.

Nick talks to Schmidt about the girl, Amanda, he is going out on a date with, who has this strange way of approaching discussions with him.
Nick: Sometimes she is so ironic, that I think she is being serious.

Jess walks in on the conversation and tries to help with advice.
Jess: You've a date? Fun! I wanna talk to you guys about this stuff.
Schmidt: With Amanda.
Nick: Schmidt!
Jess: Amanda? From the bar? Woah! She's a looker. Hotchee muchee.
Nick: Yeah, I know how hot she is, Jess.
Jess: Have you been out with anyone since Caroline?
Nick: No.
Jess: Woah! Big deal alert! Scary stuff, kids. Yeesh! Falling rocks. Bridge out. Duck!
Nick: This is why I don't talk to you, Jess.
Schmidt: Nick, you're going to be fine. Don't worry about it. Just, you know, suck in the gut.
Nick: What gut?
Jess: (pointing at Nick's stomach) The little pooch where you keep your extra cookies.

After Jess walks in on Nick dancing with his massive member flinging out into the open air, she tries to explain to the other roommates what happened.
Jess: Something's happened. It was totally an accident. Not a big deal. I just wanna do the mature thing and come clean about it. But, ummmm... I accidentally saw Nick's peepee.
Schmidt: What?!
Winston: What did she say?!
Jess: I accidentally saw Nick's peepee and his bubbles.

Nick leaves the apartment after Jess' failed attempt at talking to him about what happened. She is distraught but Winston tries to dismiss it.
Winston: It's not a big deal. I've seen Nick's stuff like a million times.
Schmidt: You have? I mean, how?
Winston: We grew up together. Locker rooms, swimming pools, penis fights, it just happens.
Schmidt: Why haven't I seen it?
Winston: Why do you wanna see it?
Schmidt: He's my best friend.
Winston: Again, why do you wanna see it?
Schmidt: What if Nick gets into an accident? What if he is horribly disfigured and I have to identify him and all that remains are his private parts. And I'm standing there and I'm saying 'Sorry, officer, I can't help you because no, I haven't seen his penis' and then boom, he's buried in an unmarked grave.

Jess explains that when she walked in on Nick and saw his throbbing monster, she laughed.
Schmidt: Jess, you can't laugh at a naked man. Especially Nick. Nick is delicate. Like a flower. Like a chubby, damaged flower who hates himself.

Jess tries to talk to Nick about the issue the following day but he just runs away from her. Eventually she is able to corner him in the elevator.
Nick: You ruined my date! Every time I tried to take my clothes off, Jess, I heard your little 'HAHAH!' your little crazy giggle scream. And all I wanna do is have meaningless sex with a beautiful woman who, yes, talks in mind bending riddles, but I can't! Because I can't get your little 'AHHHHH!' out of my head!

After Nick escapes Jess, he tries to use the urination apparatus when Schmidt suddenly pops up above him, trying to get a gander at his master blaster.
Schmidt: I'm the only one who hasn't seen it.
Nick: What?!
Schmidt: Just the gun.
Nick: No!
Schmidt: Just the roses.
Nick: What?!
Schmidt: Just the hub. Where it connects.
Nick: Get out!
Schmidt: Fine! I thought we were best friends.
Nick: We are.
Schmidt: Apparently not.
Nick: Best friends don't do this, Schmidt.
Schmidt: They do it all the time!

So what did you think? Is this the greatest show ever, or are you in Alan Sepinwall's camp of dead-inside homicidal sociopaths who don't love adorkable stuff?

If I had to rate it, with the last episode still fresh in my mind even though it was a month ago, I would give this episode a solid:

90 out of 100.

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