Eli's Weekly Spew: November 3-8, 2013

Welcome back to my horrendously long and time-wasting weekly column where I display to the whole world how much of a Hermit I am. I mean, seriously, how lame do you have to be to watch all this TV, write about all of it, and not get paid a dime?

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Eli's Weekly Spew - Too Much TV

Breaking news: I'm a loser and watch a lot of TV (real people scare me). If you're reading this, you might be just like me -- except probably not as much of a loser.


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Review -- HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER 8.02: 'The Pre-Nup'

Enjoy this crappy review, because this will likely be my last of 'How I Met Your Mother'.

Never mind that this show is one billion episodes in, it's difficult and pretty much pointless to write weekly reviews about a 30-minute comedy -- let alone a show that people are getting sick of, getting annoyed with and that does the same shit over and over.

I'm sick of Ted and Victoria. And for people that weren't sick of those two, I bet you are now after one of the worst storylines in TV history with Klauss living with them.

I'm sick of Barney going back and forth between Quinn and Robin. And while the Barney/Quinn pre-nup storyline was entertaining briefly and gave me a few laughs, I'm annoyed that this could spell the end (or close to) of Becki Newton's tenure on the show. That would be a shame, as she was a fun addition and plays well off of Barney.

Other than one funny quote from Marshall's mom, I couldn't care less about Marshal, Lily and the baby. So sick of those characters and so god damn sick of babies on TV shows. We've seen it all before and we don't want to see it again. And every time I see those two characters, I can't help but think they are mailing it in. They don't care about those characters or this show anymore, so why should we?

The fact that Robin gets turned on by watching herself on the news is pretty funny. But that's not going to make up for the rest of this shit.

The thing is, the episode wasn't that horrible, but I just get so angered watching this show. So instead of writing and complaining about it each week, I'm going to stop reviewing it. There's really no point to, anyway. However, you can still check out my 'Castle' reviews each week (those will 100% continue the whole season) and I will also take suggestions for another show my readers would like to see me review that isn't already being covered on Geek Furious. I won't promise anything, but if enough people want to me write about something in particular, and I like it and HGF signs off on it, then I will.


QUOTES OF NOTE:

--FUTURE TED: "Everyone was as happy as can be -- which means there were no good stories."

--QUINN: "Ms. Garvey must invent 12 new sexual positions per year, at least 10 of which involve her doing all or most of the work."

MARSHALL'S MOM: "Stop. Not in the house, that's how lamps break!"

ROBIN'S BOYFRIEND: "Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realize it takes 42 inches to keep you satisfied."
 

RANDOM RAMBLINGS:

--I don't have any, yet another reason why I don't like reviewing 30-minute shows.

THE SCORE: 60 out of 100

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Review - HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER 8.01: 'Farhampton'

Robin: "Just one small issue ... I can't go through with this wedding."

Me: "Just one small issue ... I can't go through with this show, anymore."

Alright, I'm being a little over-dramatic, and clearly after watching all 162 episodes over seven seasons, I'm not going to stop now. But man, I want to. I want something new, but unfortunately for me, the new crop of shows this season looks to be bleak.

I think at this point, the actors on the show want something new, too. How much more of this crap can they seriously take? The same shit over and over. They've all done some pretty cool things in their careers since this show started and could all easily move on. But for some reason they can't and I can't -- but at least for them, they are getting paid to do so.

This episode was fine enough, but that's not my point. The Season 7 finale was brutal but I can't exactly say I'm confident this will be turned around in Season 8. This was once a fun show. I laughed frequently, loved the style of the show, the characters and enjoyed seeing Ted's process of meeting his future wife.

But I don't laugh much anymore. And instead of enjoying following Ted's life journey, I feel just like his kids -- insanely annoyed at the story and wanting it to end. I'm not really going out on a limb here by saying the show would be properly served by meeting the mother and spending a season with her hanging out with Ted and the group. But that's not going to happen. And if it isn't, making me laugh every once in a while would be swell. Watching Marshall and Lily act like idiots all the time is starting to get tired, and I envision that their new baby is only going to exacerbate this problem. Seriously, who cares about those two characters anymore?

A silver lining: it looks like we won't waste several episodes with Ted and Victoria. Not sure how much more of that I can take, even though I like her as an actress. It does seem like Quinn will be sticking around for a while, which is also cool with me. What won't be cool with me, however? Robin and Barney. Not sure why people want to see them together. Never bought it. And now we are going to get ANOTHER annoying love triangle because of it. SWELL.

How can a woman, WHO KEEPS A BOX OF THINGS FROM A RELATIONSHIP IN A STORAGE FACILITY, not go through with the wedding? That seems like a woman who is in love (obsessed, even) and not a woman who has ridiculous doubts minutes before the wedding. Even I'm not that pathetic, Robin. Get it together.

QUOTES OF NOTE:

--BARNEY (to Quinn): "No, no, we are. I already took off your bra."

--QUINN (to Barney): "Barney's on board!"


RANDOM RAMBLINGS:

--That was a pretty impressive 52 seconds from Barney.

--Band of Horses!

--Damn yellow umbrella. Every time we get teased with that, I want to punch a baby. Preferably Marshall and Lily's.

THE SCORE: 54 out of 100

Points for ditching Victoria. ...That's about it.

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REVIEW: How I Met Your Mother 7.22-7.23 (2-part finale)

NOTE: For the purposes of this review, I'm treating 7.22 and 7.23 (The Magician's Code Part I & II) as one hour-long episode. It makes my life easier. I'm selfish like that.

Why can't I quit you, 'How I Met Your Mother'?

I've watched every episode of every season, so at this point I've invested far too much time to not invest far too much time moving forward. Ugh. Funny how that works.

I won't go as far to say that I want the last hour of my life back, but I will say that I'll sleep just fine without HIMYM on TV for the next several months.

The first 30 minutes of the hour-long finale that I watched would have been better spent on THIS, but what are you gonna do?  I'm fine with nothing really happening in that episode other than the birth of Marshall and Lily's baby, but more laughs would have been nice. Of the handful of "stories" that Ted and Robin told Lily, most of them were just a waste of time and plain-old dumb. (Marshall trying to get up the steps and the Marshall cursed pants story were pretty bad. I wish they went further with the "Barney trying to pick up chicks as the Terminator story.")

One of the best moments of the finale was when Robin called out Ted for claiming he wants to start a family but only pursuing women where that really isn't an option. This show works much better when they are friends so we can have scenes like that. I kinda just wish that scene didn't lead to Ted and Victoria in what seems to be a sure-fire disaster. We know she's not the mother*, of course, but hopefully they don't botch that storyline in Season 8 as they seem to do with everything involving Ted Mosby these days.

*(I just had an idea. CBS should have a reality show in determining who should play the role of Ted's future wife. We could have unknown hot chicks from all over the world compete for the hearts of HIMYM fans. Who doesn't love reality TV these days? And plus, this way we get to find out who the mother is before we all die. It's a win-win!)

As far as Barney and Quinn is concerned, that whole scene at the airport was ridiculously over the top, even for this show. I'm all for some craziness and fun, but not when it was so clear from the start this was his elaborate and insane way of proposing to Quinn. Time was running out in the finale and we knew a proposal to Quinn was forthcoming...

...Just like most of us probably realized that it wasn't going to be Quinn at the wedding. I mean, why not squander another season wrapped around Ted's longing/angst/jealousy involving Robin?? We all want more of that, right? Plus, Becki Newton isn't a series regular and her new show was picked up, so who knows much much she will be available for Season 8. No, this was always going to be between two main characters. Because if there's one thing this show hasn't overdone more than Ted/Robin, it's Robin/Barney!

I would say I'm looking forward to seeing how they handle the Barney/Quinn break-up and the  Barney-Robin get-together, but whatever. I'm sure it will be dragged out and painful -- just like Ted and Victoria.

Let me know when you all think in the comments section about Robin and Barney and Ted and Victoria.


NOTABLE QUOTABLES:

OLD PERSON 1: "I'm having a heart attack."
OLD PERSON 2: "I'm having a heart attack."
OLD PERSON 3: "I'm having a heart attack and my doctor is at St. Marcus Hospital."



RANDOM OBSERVATIONS:

--Zelda on the ATM machine. Legen-wait for it--Dary!

--Seriously, did anyone care whatsoever about the Robin-as-baby-photograper storyline?

--It really is a wonderful thing when the vending machine malfunctions in your favor.

THE SCORE: 666 out of 1000

Yes, I meant to do that.

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REVIEW: How I Met Your Mother 7.22 -- Good Crazy

It's kinda crazy, because even though 'How I Met Your Mother' was brand new on Monday, I had already seen that episode about five times.

I think you have too. You know, the one where Ted spends the whole episode longing for Robin. Or venting about Robin. Or seeing Robin in other people. Wait, that really was a new episode?? I hadn't seen this before?

Sorry, my mistake.

I should have figured this out on my own, considering Lily is about to go into labor -- and I don't remember that specific moment happening in all those other episodes I was just referring to.

Oy vey.

Somehow after seven seasons, seven million Ted-Robin themed episodes and countless other girlfriends and one-night stands for Ted, I still like the character. I want to see this douche happy, but for god sakes, I want to see him with someone not named Robin and someone without tattoo sleeves. Sorry, Kat Von D.

I understand that with over 20 episodes per season, ideas for episodes are going to start getting a little thin. But this has to stop. And it appeared that it was going to be resolved between Ted and Robin, but OF COURSE that was interrupted at the end of the episode. If it's not wrapped up at the beginning of Episode 7.23, I'm going on strike from writing these reviews.

And while I'm still complaining about repetition, can I mention that the Barney-Quinn storyline involving Barney's love/hate of his girlfriend stripping has already occurred a few times since we met Quinn in the middle of the season? I mean, seriously, they have been dating on the show for only a few weeks -- is there really no other story you can come up with for these two?

Either they are doing this to set up a Barney-Quinn break-up, or to make us think that's what's going to happen. If they do break-up, and it's really Barney and Robin about to get married -- then be prepared to see another full episode of Ted's angst over Robin. Think about it: he's just getting over Robin and has mentally prepared himself to be her friend, and then his best friend gets married to her? Have fun with that, Ted.

I'm sure if you're reading this review, you have already jumped to the comments section to complain about me, but if you haven't, I have one last complaint for you: I don't think any Lily-Marshall storylines have interested me this season.

NOTABLE QUOTABLES:

BARNEY: "And maybe society considers what she does to be disgusting. Or slutty. Or verging on prostitution. Or actual prostitution."

BARNEY:  "My methods get results!"

FAKE ROBIN: "Holy long walk for a short drink of water, Ted!"

RANDOM OBSERVATIONS:

--I'm on board with this condolences-high-five thing. Although I fear, like Ted says, this is actually not a thing. And likely never will be.

THE SCORE: 43 out of 100

There's one story left to tell in this show and the writers refuse to tell it. Tell  me I'm wrong.

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REVIEW: How I Met Your Mother 7.21 -- Now We're Even

"Now We're Even" was a good-enough episode of 'How I Met Your Mother', but it was more about killing time before the Barney wedding season finale and getting Ted and Robin to a place where they can start talking again and all be a part of the group.

Mission accomplished on those fronts.

In terms of the episode itself, it was OK. The Lily sex dreams storyline didn't work for me. It felt like a typical Marshall-Lily plotline, but it didn't provide many laughs (now that I think about it ... it seems like the writers have run out of good ideas involving those two characters) and took up too much screen time from the best part of the episode: Ted and Barney's night's of shenanigans.

Any time the show puts those two guys together it's usually pretty memorable. Perhaps it wasn't legen-wait for it-DARY! this time around, but it was entertaining watching those two make fools out of themselves and try to top each other.

But it was clear early on that despite all his bragging about dating a stripper, that it really bothered him. And this goes back to my opening paragraph: this episode was about moving the storyline along -- and clearly this sets up Quinn to stop stripping so she can be the one marrying Barney at season's end.

We're only a few episodes away from that now, and at this point, if it's not Quinn he's supposedly getitng married to in that episode I'm going to blow a gasket. Because if it turns out to be Robin, pretty much out of nowhere, it really wouldn't make much sense.

My prediction? It is Quinn that Barney is about to marry, but something happens to stop it. Either one of them gets cold feet, or maybe Robin doesn't hold her peace. I very well might be wrong on this, especially because the show has already done this exact thing with Ted and Stella. I don't want to see that again.

(If you know what happens somehow, refrain from spoiling it in the comments section.But I would love to know what everyone thinks will happen in the Season 7 finale.)

After almost seven full seasons of being an unimportant television reporter/anchor, Robin finally gets her big break and is a minor celebrity. It's nice to see her get the success she's so desperately wanted, it will be interesting to see how this plays out and what the show does now with her personal life.

NOTABLE QUOTABLE:

QUINN: "After the second trimester, he made her stop stripping!"

RANDOM OBSERVATIONS:

--I swear, every show at some point has done an episode about someone finally being able to run around the apartment/house naked. Do people actually do this?

--Sitting around, drinking beer, eating chicken, watching tv/playing video games ... reminds me of the 2011 Boston Red Sox!

--Not gonna lie, "The Scherbatsky" looks pretty damn good. I'm going to go make a sandwich now.

THE SCORE: 68 out of 100

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How I Met Your Mother 7.19 -- The Broath

While 'How I Met Your Mother' is a beloved and popular show, it's also a show that even its biggest fans get furious about.

The obvious being that the creators of the show are sadists who want to torture us by never telling us who the mother is. Whatever. I'm starting to get over this. I swear.

But we overlook that because there are so many other things about this show we love, like...

--The Bro Code
--The Intervention banner (cue Marshall clearing his throat and me saying "Quintervention")
--Barney's fake history flashbacks
--The classic HIMYM storytelling structure
--Slaps and high-fives (it wasn't part of the slap bet, but still awesome)
--"Legen-wait-for-it-DARY!"
--The occasional, but powerful emotional moments (in this case, Barney getting emotional and then getting slapped before the fake break-up and when Robin told Ted she missed his friendship)
--The tease of a future story, which is sometimes a good thing (Ted telling his future kids that him and Robin wouldn't see each other for a long time. Looking forward to seeing how/why that plays out.)
--Jokes repeating throughout the episode (adding Quinn as a prefix and the Marshall/Lily storyline. The latter I thought got annoying.)

...And what do you know? "The Broath" featured all of those in my favorite 22 minutes of the season.


NOTABLE QUOTABLES:

MARSHALL: "Lily, you snooped through her stuff?"
LILY: "No, it's like the first thing you see when you jimmy-open her desk drawer with the letter opener her grandfather left her according to her diary."

LILY: "Don't say that whore's name in front of our baby."

BARNEY: "Are you aware that breaking a broath can have deadly, even fatal repercussions. Have you studied history, Ted?"
TED: "Extensively. But I'm a little shaky on fake history, so..."

BARNEY: "And then he banged like 100 chicks and invented a salad. True story."

BARNEY: "And now to seal this sacred vow, the two ladies will kiss."

RANDOM COLLEGE DUDES: "I think you're stories are way too long. I feel bad for his future kids."


RANDOM OBSERVATIONS:

--I wonder how much money Ted's two kids make to just sit on the couch and look annoyed. What a gig.

--I'm disappointed that Barney didn't say "Brobe Up!" when he asked Ted to put the "brobe" on.

--Where did he get three extra brobes on such short notice?

--There have been suggestions here and there for a long time that Lily wanted to kiss Robin. We now have evidence that this was precisely the case.

--If the bride isn't Quinn at Barney's wedding at the end of the season, I'm going to be insanely furious. I don't know what I'm going to do, but the repercussions will be deadly, even fatal.

THE SCORE: 92 out of 100

One thing people tend to hate about this show is all the deception and misdirection. For example, the episode earlier this season when Robin was talking to her future kids that we find out at the end didn't really exist.

But this episode was so good, that the misdirection in it (the break-up that turned out to be fake) was actually a positive that made the episode even better.

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How I Met Your Mother 7.18 -- Karma

Am I the only person who braced themselves for Robin to move back in and/or kiss Ted during their scene together back at the apartment?

Sometimes, it's good to be wrong. (This show has just conditioned me to expect a terrible decision by the writers regarding Ted's love life. Now THAT, I'm right about.)

Instead of that nightmare scenario playing out at the end of Monday night's "Karma", we got the nice moment of Ted bequeathing the apartment to Marshall and Lily -- who desperately wanted to move out of the suburbs and raise their family in the city. And now the show will have the entire gang back together, with no logistical problems.

Well done.

And it was an enjoyable trip to get there. Ted's various plans for Robin's old room were amusing, as was the ghost of Robin and all the bad results that came from Ted's misguided attempts at a hobby. The trio of Marshall, Lily and Robin living together also produced a few entertaining moments.

As for poor Barney, he's just trying to find love at the strip club like the rest of us. His scenes with Karma (played by Becki Newton) might have been a little over-the-top, but they play well off each other and have a fun little chemistry going on. I don't think their relationship will last much longer -- you just know that Barney and Robin will come up again soon -- but we'll just have to enjoy Barney and the stripper for as long as they allow us to.

It will be nice to see Marshall and Lily back at the apartment and I'm interested to see what they do with Ted moving forward. Get this man an apartment and a girlfriend, please.

NOTABLE QUOTABLES:

 
TED: "Why do I have to be so sensitive."
BARNEY: "When did I become such a gooey romantic."
(They say while stuffing bills in the bra's of strippers)

BARNEY: "Ted, don't you ever root for love?" (No ... probably because this show is never going to let him have it.)

RANDOM OBSERVATIONS:

--There's no sex in the champagne room, Barney. Sorry buddy.

SCORE: 73 out of 100

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How I Met Your Mother 7.16 -- No Pressure

I'm going to punch someone.

If you've run out of story ideas that you have to keep putting Robin and Ted back together -- than either let us meet the mother already or end the damn show.

Oh, wait. So they aren't back together again?

In that case, excellent episode.

At the very end of "No Pressure", Lily tells Marshall to pay up on the bet, because Robin and Ted aren't ending up together. To which Marshall replies, "not yet."

Oh, wait. So maybe they w ill end up together later?

So who do I want to punch?

Did they really have to throw that line in at the end? Just when we thought, that finally, FINALLY, the back and forth between Robin and Ted was over, they leave it open once again that they will return to the Robin-Ted relationship.

Just like how Ted and Robin can never figure out what/who they want, neither can the writers. Actually, wait, yes they can. The writers know precisely what they want: to string us along and piss us off along the way.

For the record, I kinda like Robin and Ted together, but what I don't like is Robin going back and forth between Ted and Barney, Ted and Barney, on and off, on and off. There's only so much a viewer can take. It's Season 7, damnit. We know she's not the mother, so let's just move on from that already.

And despite that "not yet" at the end, I think that the show finally has moved on from Robin and Ted.  I don't think that they will get back together at any point, but the same can't be said for Robin and Barney -- which seems inevitable at this juncture.

Complaining aside, this was a really well-done episode. The future-bets storyline involving Marshall and Lily led to some amusing flashbacks, good laughs and nicely interwove with the overall story of the episode. Despite Lily's reprehensible behavior of always trying to sabotage all of Ted's relationships (she almost makes Walter White look like a Saint for the things she's done to Ted), it did lead to him realizing that there was a reason why things never work out between him and Robin. You know, other than Lily admitting a few episodes ago that it was HER who broke them up in first place.

And the moments between Robin and Ted were really good (especially when Ted asked if she loved him) and having it all connect back with what happened between Robin and Barney earlier this season made a lot of sense and will hopefully push that storyline forward as the season is nearing an end at Barney's wedding.

Listening to what the fans want may not always be the right play, but meeting the mother sometime before we all die might be a good idea. Call me crazy.


NOTABLE QUOTABLES:

MARSHALL: "I gotta say, making money off of this bet, just makes me feel..."
LILY: "More alive than in years!?"
MARSHALL: "YES!"

TED: Barney, you've really grown up, you know that?"
BARNEY: Thanks. Now let's watch our two best friends have sex on tape."
TED: "I'll make the popcorn."

TED: "Oh my god, Robin's in love with you."

ROBIN: "I'm not rooting against you, I just don't think Robin is the girl you marry. That's why I made the stupid bet to begin with. I mean, yes, it's five years later and you haven't settled down with anyone else, but you haven't settled with Robin either. There must be a reason for that. What's standing in the way?"

TED: "As long as the door is even a little bit open, then I have this feeling that I'll be waiting around to see if I win the lottery when you turn 40. I think you know how you feel about me now and I don't think time is gonna change that. Just tell me. Do you love me?"
ROBIN: "No".


RANDOM OBSERVATIONS:

--Bars are open at 7 a.m. in New York? When is the next flight? I'm moving.

--Should future Ted be telling stories to his kids about a Lily-Marshall sex tape? Because in previous episodes, future Ted would alter inappropriate parts of the story to spare his children. Not this time.

--Damnit, Barney. You just destroyed the last VCR on Earth.

--Even if you were in love with Robin, would you be able to spell Scherbatsky? (Thanks IMDb)

--Heck, the writers even like to mess with us regarding the yellow umbrella. For a split second it looked like Ted was just about to see his future wife, but then all of a sudden there are 30 girls with yellow umbrellas. Ugh.

SCORE: 75 out of 100

Part of me loved it.
Part of me hated it (and wanted to kill someone).
The part of me that loved is stronger, so 75 it is.

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