30 June, 2011

Green Lantern - 'Closetalking'



Writer: Multipass

I didn’t actually find the film as awful as I had expected based on the reviews. I was genuinely entertained by the Parallax, Sinestro, Green Lantern corps parts of the movie, but the other 50% of the plot is what killed it. Ryan Reynolds was ok, but I didn’t feel like he brought anything to the character that made him stand out as a superhero, and any time he was in Hal Jordan mode he was kind of a whiney little kid.

One major problem was the love story/dead father part of the plot. Blake Lively, who plays Carol Ferris, has about as much charisma as a dead fish, and she sounds kind of drunk when she talks. So I guess she has the charisma of a dead fish that died of alcohol poisoning. The only good moments she had were when she realizes Hal is a Green Lantern, and when she tells him she feels sorry for him. Otherwise she was a huge time waste. I think I’d have rather seen more of Hal’s scientist friend. And I am so tired of people fighting over a girl in these superhero movies, there has got to be a better reason to try to kill someone after you have been infected by Parallax than boring Carol Ferris. She and Hal had what seemed like 4 or 5 scenes of this:

Hal: Closetalking Closetalking
Carol: Closetalking Closetalking
Hal: Closetalking
Carol: “Something is wrong Hal, what happened?”
Hal: “I don’t wanna tell you!!!! WAAAH!! *stompstompstomp*”
Carol: Look of longing and/or curiosity


Yes, it was that riveting.

The whole bit about Hal being afraid of…dying like his father did? Not living up to his dad’s legacy? Whatever it was it was pretty lame and kind of melodramatic.

The other story issue I had was with the creation of the yellow ring. Now, I understand why this is important in terms of a sequel, but the way it was introduced was just non –sensical. The Guardians are billions of years old, and have always believed in the power of will as the strongest force in the world. Yet, for absolutely no reason, they decide to do basically nothing about Parallax themselves, and instead let Sinestro create a yellow ring, a ring that harnesses the power of fear, to “fight fear with fear”. Why the hell is that a good idea? They already know what happens to people who try to harness the power of fear, one of their own did it, and he turned into the evil blob Parallax. So why let Sinestro try? It’s almost like they WANT to create another villain…either that or after a billion years dementia is finally setting in.

All in all, the movie was just okay, the effects and CGI were wonderful and I’m glad I got to see all of that on a big screen. I also appreciated an appearance by Amanda Waller, though as soon as she called Abin Sur the first alien they’d ever found I thought “Bitch please you know all about Superman!"

At times the film was interesting, like when addressing the power of will or fear etc, and also really pretty. At other times it was kind of tedious and disjointed. I’d recommend everyone aside from massive Green Lantern fans to wait for this to hit dvd, which I'm sure most of you have decided to do already anyway.


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28 June, 2011

Top 10 Geek Furious of HOT!



Writer: Head Geek Furious

Simple. 10 HOTTEST people in geek furious culture, ever. I made a list, I checked it twice and I made sure they were very naughty and not too nice. There was no intention of making this the top 5 men and top 5 women list. It just grew organically. Don't like it? Then tell me what you would change or who you would add.  Hotness here is the sum of a character's physical beauty, sexiness, attitude, and strength (in all its levels).

10. Lois Lane - SMALLVILLE
I can't... stop... staring.
Do I like this show? Hell no. Do I see any reason why someone should waste ten seasons on this ridiculous mess of a joke? No way. But do I see why someone watched at least one season just to follow the hotness that is this badass chick? OH YES.

I watched the first and last seasons of what I came to call LOISVILLE and only stuck with it for that last season because of this Canadian goddess. She is like sexy sex on a sticky stick (why do I want to make that into a hip hop song or punch myself in the face for writing it at all?). I don't understand why the writers didn't just put her in every scene, or have her take more showers. After all, she lives in the big city and on a farm. Doesn't she feel dirty? Isn't it bath time?


9. Captain Mal Reynolds - FIREFLY/SERENITY
Unlike a leaf on the wind, Mal kills sexy.
The man who aims to misbehave is the same guy who stole the hearts of both the ladies and the lads with his badassness and general cool. Creator Joss Whedon's pretty obvious homage to Han Solo has the man doing the things fans of Solo think he has done all along: shoot first and not bother with asking questions later.

He has the looks and all the badass, deadly, rogue, and nerf herder anyone needs while also being a charmer. He is just so damn cool when being a jerk and so shy and awkward when dealing with his feelings, that it makes him the guy you want to have by your side, whether he's trying to kill for you or kiss you.

8. Dean Winchester - SUPERNATURAL
Get him a burger, douche!
Oh Dean, you angry, murdering, fatty cheeseburger eating, binge drinking, sex crazed slut you. How do I say this without offending the little children or some SUPERNATURAL fans?

Your brother is a pretty boy pussy.

I feel better. Yeah, yeah. Sam is handsomerest and fan fic writers probably spent endless masturbatory hours fantasizing about him, but Dean is hotter. No doubt. In every badass mandly way, hotter.

7. Leeloo aka Leeloo Dallas - THE FIFTH ELEMENT
Touch my nipsies and die.
Heavenly creature of perfection, why doth thou looketh at me with those eyes of need and strength? I fear and want to possess you, my orange haired obsession.

Oh, uh, what happened?

Leeloo is gorgeous. Smoking hot. Badass. And also a frakin' planet destroying weapon. How much more badass and hot can a woman get? Well, apparently a little hotter since she is 7th on the list. But as much as I love this movie, I don't rewatch it over and over because I love Bruce Willis or that dude from the RUSH HOUR movies (though they are great). I watch it for Leeloo and her multipass (sexual metaphor).

6. Han Solo - STAR WARS (original trilogy)
I make everything look good.
There is probably a generational gap that has some people not understand why Han Solo is such a beloved character. But I think those who didn't grow up with him, or weren't around when he first appeared on movie screens, should consider what the world was like before Han Solo was in it. There just weren't that many good guys who were bad but saved the day while being super cool about it and got the girl and kicked ass and took names. Or perhaps there weren't any before Han Solo. He was the mold for Mal Reynolds, James Sawyer, and that new guy on FALLING SKIES.

Should he have been higher on the list? Sure. But I have new obsessions that bumped him down a bit.

5. James 'Sawyer' Ford - LOST
I exist to look pretty and deal out death.
Another Han Solo wannabe, Sawyer has some things that Solo never had. Other than great writing and just more material to work with, Sawyer also got a real arc that gave his character a more fitting end than the ballznipped Han Solo in "Return of the Jedi." But what makes him hotter than Han is those pretty blue eyes. They are blue, right? Yeah. I am sure of it. Right? Green? Whatever.  Killing is his business and business is pretty damn good for a while.

4. Six - BATTLESTAR GALACTICA
Baltar is one lucky sod.
Not only beautiful, sexy, and an incredibly well written and acted character, Six (in her many different glories) is easily one of the hottest characters in the geek universe. Or any universe for that matter.

She wears skimpy outfits. She has lots and lots and lots of sexy sex. She looks stunning most of the time. Oh and she can kick ass, take names, take more names while kicking ass, and then call your family to warn them that she is going to kill all of them while taking down more names of people you may know from childhood while doing it.

The reason she isn't higher on the list is simply because she had less and less sex and didn't do enough strip teasing or killing as the series went on. She could have been #1 if they had just utilized her hotness more.

3. Slavegirl Leia - STAR WARS, EPISODE VI, RETURN OF THE JEDI
I need a minute alone, please. 30 seconds?
You youngins can't possibly understand this... but this image is still one of the hottest things in the universe. Hell, this could easily be #1 but I felt it was unfair to give the highest position to a character that is only in a portion of one of the movies in a series of movies. But that is how hot and how life affecting her hotness was in this virtually short sequence in the series.

Men and women around the planet of Earth have based entire fantasies, relationships, and even life decisions on this character/costume. That is how powerful the imagery of Leia in this metal bikini was on us kiddies back in 1983. It was like having a mind probe inject hotness into our brainz while sucking out our innocence at the same time.

But not only was metal bikini clad Leia a bonfire of epic proportions but she was also pretty deadly in it, taking out the biggest organized crime kingpin in the history of film.  Literally.  The biggest.  And she didn't do it nice and clean either, she choked a bitch! All these things should have put her at #1 if not for...

2. Pacey Poof 'Peter' Bishop - FRINGE
What have you done to me, Pacey Poof?
Peter makes me wish I was a girl, or a fancy boy. It shouldn't be wrong that a heterosexual male finds himself crazily attracted to another heterosexual male. I mean, what is it about Olivia anyway that I don't have? Other than lady parts. Huh? Answer me, Pacey!

To understand the hotness of Mr. Bishop, you will just need to watch the show but he has a confidence, a simmer, a manliness about him that transcends genders or sexuality.  Plus, he is happy to ninja kill shape shifters.  I want to be in his arms while he whispers sweet sexy, like a meow meow (TM, 1998) to me.


And the Top Geek Furious of Hot is... (at least until I find a new obsession and change the list):

1. Sarah Walker - CHUCK
Mama told me I'd fall for a gun wielding belt bound girl some day.
Come on, this was a no-brainer. There is no one hotter. Let's just first talk about the gorgeousness. She is a stunner. And sure, some would say she has imperfections but that is what makes her so frakin' attractive. She is like the most amazing looking girl next door who would never live next door to you because some billionaire would have swept her off her feet and married her the second he caught wind of her on Facebook.

And how about her sexy? She has it in spades. In shovels. In Millennium Falcons even. And the show utilizes her physical assets every chance it gets. Hell, not enough. Every episode should be an excuse for Sarah Walker to try on a new hot outfit or to undress for no apparent reason whatsoever. Why hold back, writers? Hotness doesn't grow on trees.

Slavegirl Sarah? Yes!
And I didn't even talk about how much fun it is to watch her character. Whether it is her tough exterior or sweet and tender inner workings, the woman is a sometimes complex mess of emotions brought on by a tough upbringing.

But while her badassy ways are pretty great and definitely a worthy part of the hotness title, it is the sweet turmoil of kindness within her that has made many CHUCK fans fall in love with her. Sure, she is a tough chick and she can certainly kick some big time ass (unless her opponent is a woman, because then she will likely get her ass kicked a little bit) but it is her romantic compass forcing her head away from brute force (unless you kidnap her man, that is) and into considering less deadly ways to resolve things that makes her so memorable.

Geek love calmed the hot savage beast. And that deserves the number one position on this list.

Tipsy southern belle Sarah may be the hottest thing ever.
And yet there is one more thing that earns her the title. And that is her comedy. Who knew that Sarah Walker was so funny? Well, for the most part, we didn't until the middle of season 3 when in arguably the best episode of the series (3.14, Chuck Vs. The Honeymooners), Sarah (or Yvonne) revealed her comedic side. From that point on, super dramatic Sarah Walker took a step back and still dramatic but having a lot more fun Sarah 'Don't call me Sam' Walker appeared. And the world is better off for it.
This ruined my chance of getting married. No human woman can measure up! Thanks Schwedak!

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23 June, 2011

Firefox 5 - Do Not Track!



Writer: Head Geek Furious

Mozilla has released a new version of Firefox that supposedly speeds up browsing and is supposed to help improve your ability to get dates on the Internet (I can't verify that, though). The update isn't huge and doesn't seem to be causing many add-on problems, unlike previous versions, but there is one addition to this browser that is a GAME CHANGER!

Firefox 5 is the first browser to include an option for all platforms to tell websites to not track your movements to and from a site. This is something many laypeople are not even aware of, but many sites collect information about how you got to their site and how you left it. So, if you came in from a porn site, your favorite Sesame Street site knows it. And if you leave that site by going to your favorite creeper stalker site, then it knows that too.

But now, at least in concept, Firefox 5 allows you to opt out of that tracking. But you would think that the developers would have put a gigantic button on the browser that says "DO NOT SPY ON ME!" In their infinite wisdom, they decided to hide it. But I am here to show you where it is.

Go to TOOLS (you will need to bring up the menu on your Firefox button, or enable the Menu Bar by right clicking on the top of the browser) and then OPTIONS and look at the pretty picture below:



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21 June, 2011

Battlestar Galactica's Bear McCreary RAWKS!



Writer: Head Geek Furious

Composer extraordinaire, Bear McFrakinreary is amazeballs to the maxybigdaforce! And here is proof, motherfrakers. The insanely talented creator of all things cool, and probably the greatest TV soundtrack in the history of humanity, has put out a few videos of himself just jamming the scruffy lookin' nerf herders off some of his best BSG (I mean the newer, better BSG) tracks on the piano.  He has been doing this in support of his piano songbook (that you can buy on Amazon by clicking that link; no I am not receiving anything in return for this promotion, but I wish I was).

I am somehow a month behind the universe in discovering this bit of awesomebunnies and think you should all be in on it too. Check it out.  I rank each performance from o to 100, for your convenience:

Prelude to War: 107 out of 100


Battlestar Sonatica: 100 out of 100


Something Dark Is Coming: 100 out of 100


Elegy: 104 out of 100


You know what? Why not end it on the live performance of the McCreary's brothers and crew doing All Along the Watchtower, from BSG seasons 3 and 4. Katee Sackhoff, who played Starbuck on the show, plays the piano with Bear at the beginning.



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20 June, 2011

Summer Geek DVD\Blu-ray Release Schedule



Writer: Greek Geek

Summer officially begins tomorrow June 21st. The first day of the summer season aka the Summer Solstice (sounds like a pornstar name, right?) is the day of the year when the Sun is farthest north. Well, considering I have been running my air conditioner practically non-stop since Memorial Day, I'd say ole Sol made it north a little sooner than expected. So whichever astronomy asshat determined the first day of this summer should be paying my f**king electrical bill for the rest of the season.

I digress. Since summer "officially" begins tomorrow, I thought it would be a good idea to lay out the top geek home video (DVD/Blu-ray) releases for the season.

So here goes (Non-American readers as always: month first, date second):

6/21/11

The Adjustment Bureau
Louie: Season One
Mega Python vs. Gatoroid aka Tiffany vs. Debbie Gibson (You think I am joking? Nope.)

6/28/11

The Lord of the Rings: The Motion Picture Trilogy (Extended Edition) (Blu-ray)
Sucker Punch
Warehouse 13: Season 2
Michael Flatley Returns as Lord of the Dance
The Last Starfighter (Blu-ray)

7/5/11

Hobo with a Shotgun

7/12/11

Rango
Robot Chicken: Star Wars III
Brazil (Blu-ray)

7/19/11

Doctor Who: Season Six Part 1
Torchwood: The Complete Original UK Series

7/26/11

Burn Notice: The Fall of Sam Axe
Dylan Dog: Dead of Night (It's a movie starring Agent Shaw from "Chuck", I am trying to illicit a response here people...)
Supernatural: The Anime Series (look I don't watch the regular series, but the last thing I want to do is to omit then and then be flayed at the stake by you Wincest fanfic writers)

8/2/11

Mystery Science Theater 3000 vs. Gamera
Conan the Barbarian (Blu-Ray)
Conan the Destroyer (Blu-ray) (I bet this crapfest will be better than the 2011 remake)
The Name of the Rose (Blu-ray)
The Magnificent Seven (Blu-ray)
Better Off Dead (Blu-ray) (A great geek comedy from the 80's starring John Cusack)

8/9/11

Paul
Your Highness

8/16/11

Dexter: Season Five
The Big Lebowski (Limited Edition) (Blu-ray) (The Dude commands you to buy this...)

8/30/11

The Twilight Zone: Season 5 (Blu-ray)

9/6/11

Chuck: The Complete Fourth Season
Fringe: The Complete Third Season
Scarface (Limited Edition Steelbook) (Blu-ray)

9/13/11

The Big Bang Theory: The Complete Fourth Season

9/16/11

Star Wars: The Complete Saga (Episodes I-VI) (Blu-ray)
(Not to beat a dead tauntaun, but you already should know how I feel about this)
The Frighteners (Blu-ray)

Sources: The Digital Bits and High-Def Digest

Did I miss something? Rants and raves about the list? That's what the comments section is for.

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FALLING SKIES - Without a Parachute


Hey look, everyone, we have a brand new sci-fi show on cable and it is about aliens and humans and invasions and blood and milk and milk and blood!

I realize that the blood and milk, milk and blood reference is an inside joke only I and maybe like three other people on the planet will get but I am leaving it there because I am koo koo like a coco puff.

FALLING SKIES makes it premiere as a two-hour episode of epicness etc etc etc, I don't write reviews. So, instead I am going to write my impressions in a nice bullet-point-by-stuff (I am already bored just writing these words which is why I am making less sense the more I type) as I watch:

  • The opening of the episode with kids talking and drawing about what happened as some kind of therapeutic exercise is an interesting method of delivering exposition while trying to connect the audience to the world and characters through their pain.
  • By skipping the whole invasion and birth of a rebellion stuff the writers immediately get us into the action and drama of an occupation.  This is both a good and bad thing.
    • Good because the show doesn't take many episodes, or even many minutes, to define itself to the audience. If you like where this show is going in the first few minutes, then you are sold on this show.  If not, then goodbye.
    • Bad because when someone who is important to these characters dies, we don't know why we should care, so we are depending on the actors and the music to sell us on the weight of the loss as opposed to already being invested.
  • Unfortunately, none of these main actors have that immediate thing that makes me want to tune in even if the story is not working for me (like SUPERNATURAL and FRINGE have).  Though, Dale Dye is superb as the rebel commander.
  • A great sci-fi TV show needs a super hot chick or two, with talent, to make tuning into lame story telling and crap effects easier.  CHUCK has Sarah Walker (Yvonne Strahovski) and this show has... no one yet.  This is why SGU failed.  No super hot chicks with talent worth tuning in for every week.  I better see some hot chicks with talent soon!  And by talent I obviously mean jubblies!
    • Alright, so I mean acting talent.  But jubblies too.
  • Speaking of CHUCK, SUPERNATURAL, FRINGE, and add LOST and virtually any geek centric show with a loyal following on television, all of them have/had leading actors who were unforgettable the second they popped on screen.  This show has Dr. John Carter, the most boring of boring doctors from ER.
  • Setting the show in this world where regular people are now soldiers fighting on streets whose names we recognize, for people and things we understand to be valuable to anyone, does make for an effective story telling device.  It will be interesting to see what they do with it.
  • Dr. Carter deciding to not go after his captured son because it is too dangerous, as his other son freaks out... very effective scene.  His history lesson of "inferior forces" is the first time the show gives me real hope that it has the balls to be well written.
  • There is a blond chick on the show who is cute.  I am going to call her blond chick until I learn her name.  She has potential.
  • You would think that Dr. Carter would have learned how to shoot his weapon effectively, not like a hemroid ridden squirrel boy.  Plus, why aren't they using high powered rifles against these aliens?  Wouldn't a rebellion want to equip itself with weapons that require less ammunition to take down a target?  Seems to me that they are expending far too much ammo on targets to be economical.
  • The opening of the second hour of the premiere delivers a totally pointless scene.  So glad they decided to use up their budget for no reason.  $5 says that we get at least one lame episode this season because they used up $100,000 on that "breakdown of discipline."
  • Dark haired chick who is a doctor is attractive for an old woman.  Her character brings us to an interesting question about the value of civilians to a rebellion.  Dr. Carter gets another moment that gives me some hope about the writing potential of this show.  It is brief but delivered well.  Civilians are a liability and the biggest motivation to keep fighting.  I dig that notion.
  • This classroom is awesome.  I may have just found a character to love.  I rewind.  I love this actor.  I feel like I have seen this guy somewhere but I don't know where.  He has a great delivery style and voice.  I hope he sticks around.
  • So far, this second hour/episode is delivering more than the first.  This is why pilot episodes usually suck.  Origin stories suck in general.  The follow-up is usually much better.
  • I rewind again.  I love this classroom scene.
  • "I don't pray for God to give me things. I don't think that's how it works."  Preach it, sister.  I wonder if this show is going down the BSG route of dealing heavily with questions of religion and god.
  • Competing interest bad guys?  Why do these cats remind me of the "Others" from LOST?
  • Ooh, we have a new name for blondie.  "Sexy freedom fighter girl." YES!  I love it.  I am sold.
  • The selection process in this scene, of who to keep, is pretty impressive.  The bigotry from the New Others feels organic.  The dialogue is fresh as well.  Speaks well of the writers.
  • "I'll tell you, professor, and this may come off as a little insensitive considering the 90% of mankind that's already gone to the grave, but the arrival of these evil creatures is the best damn thing that's ever happened to me." Am I wrong for liking him?  He is the Han Solo character of this show.
  • Apparently blonde New Other girl has two cloth bags ready to use just in case someone else shows up to be taken into the secret layer.
  • New Han Solo is also new Sawyer (from LOST, I can't believe I need to explain this to you, who was the other new Han Solo, so this guy is the new new Han Solo?).  He has all the good lines and dishes out nicknames.
  • Han Sawyer is a tad more evil than I expected.  He doesn't seem to think much of his men.  Two-bag-blond has her own agenda, I did not expect that one.
  • The second episode had some good characters and dialogue.  But I hope it wasn't an indication of this show doing a bunch of mission of the week stuff.


Overall Score
Episode 1 - 80 out of 100
Episode 2 - 90 out of 100

Episode 1 didn't instill me with much confidence for the show but episode 2 made up for that with fun characters and dialogue.  Now, if they can put quality writing with strong characters and actors, and deliver a show that isn't just some alien invasion procedural, I will stick with it.  I want to see more of Sexy Freedom Fighter Girl, Han Sawyer, Rebel Commander and Professor Cool Voice.  Plus, more stuff like that classroom scene.  If we get that kind of material, then this could be the new cool sci-fi show to love.  But, as I already said, if this is just some dumb alien invasion show with moments of greatness, then I won't be surprised if I eventually stop watching.

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17 June, 2011

Geek Furious Tech Support - Disabling Remote Registry


This is my first video explaining how Windows 7 users can easily disable a dangerous hole in system security, the remote registry.

Warning: there is adult language in this video. CLICK THE VIDEO YOU LAZY BI**!


(starting to realize, this is a failed experiment)



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16 June, 2011

Lions Like Human Baby Meat?


The following is a copy and paste job from a Skype chat with staff writer Multipass and myself:

Multipass: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-us-canada-13791468
Multipass: his head would fit in the lions mouth
Head Geek Furious: I saw that video this morning on the news... I was like... what the f**ksticks
Multipass: are we sure the lion just didnt find teh baby adorable?
Multipass: are we just jumping to the conclusion that it would eat him?
Head Geek Furious: I often want to eat babies
Head Geek Furious: maybe the lion was just yawning
Multipass: thats what i think
Head Geek Furious: he was so f**kin bored
Multipass: though....it looks like a dumbass

I is amazeballs! (copyrighted, 2011)


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Duke Nukem Forever - Party Like It's 1999!


In development for something like 20-years, Duke Nukem Forever has finally been released and it took me this long to write about it because, unlike 99% of "game critics" out there, I don't write reviews, or whatever the hell this is, until I finish a game. Well, I finished it by deleting it from my hard drive about halfway in... or five minutes in. It is possible I was at the end. I don't really remember because most of the game looked something like this to me:

Is this shot from 1996 or 2011? Not sure. The graphics look similar.


What is the story? I don't know. Something happens and Duke is like rich and famous and he pisses and signs autographs and talks to hookers and kicks doors and jumps and runs around and fires. Mind you, this style of gameplay was way cool in 1996! And for about 2-hours I kept waiting for the developers to reveal that they were messing with us by showing us the real graphics and the real gameplay and the real voice acting, dialogue and story. I was so sure it would happen that I kept playing, even though the gameplay, graphics, creatures, story, dialogue, effects, environments, driving, and everything but a few boss battles... SUCKED!

Fire effects are cool. Look very cinematic... for me to poop on.

I realize that saying this will guarantee that I will not receive any more free games to review, but since I haven't received a single game for free to review it doesn't hurt much. Granted, there are enough ass-kissing fanboy reviews out there to satisfy the developer and their marketing commies, so I doubt they will worry about little ol' me. But a couple of those "critics" whose mouths are stuck in the butt-pucker position, want us to bask in the glory of the homage to the old series!

Yes, the game doesn't suck by accident, it sucks ON PURPOSE!

Boss battle! Let me run in circles 'til I run out of ammo, then win!

Duke likes to tell us he is the "king" and I agree. He is the king of... you know that term "epic fail"? It can now be replaced by this game, as in "OMG! That crash was a total Duke Nukem Forever!" Or "She couldn't spell autochthons at the spelling bee championship and lost to a home schooled four year old! Duke Nukem Forever!"

The developers who thought the masses would be stupid enough to buy this game were right.  We were.  But we aren't dumb enough to accept that this turd is quality or an intentionally crappy homage to a 15 year old game.  This game fails because the talent behind it is lacking.  Perhaps that is because it was a gigantic piece of poo-cake from the start, but whatever the case it was these developers who tossed on the emperor's new clothes in the hopes that enough people wouldn't notice the warts, moles, and cancer blotches on the naked diarrhea stained ass of the douchehog that is this awful mess of gaming ballz!

SCORE
23 out of 100



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14 June, 2011

Indiana Jones & the 30th Anniversary


Over this past weekend, "Raiders of the Lost Ark" celebrated it's 30th anniversary. It was on June 12th, 1981 that George Lucas and Stephen Spielberg first introduced Indiana Jones to the world and a franchise was born. Over 30 years, 3 sequels, a TV show, video games etc. there is still nothing like the original iconic film.

To put it simply, "Raiders" is the greatest adventure movie of all time. It stands alone.

As a proud member of the Star Wars generation (you know, the old farts that actually saw the Trilogy in the theaters during the original run '77 - '83), Raiders holds a special place in my heart. It was released smack right in the middle of the Lucas/Spielberg golden era. It wasn't just another movie, it was the spiritual cousin of Star Wars.

Raiders made a very impressionable 11 year old consider ever so briefly, to give up my lightsaber for a bullwhip as my weapon of choice. It made me ponder, who was hotter Marion Ravenwood or Princess Leia? (Disclaimer: had I known about Slave Leia a mere two years later, this would have never been a competition). It left me puzzled as to why the Nazis kept on reminding me of the Empire ;) It made me raise my feet in my chair out of fear that their were snakes slithering around the movie theater. But most importantly, it sparked debates over who was the more bad ass hero Han Solo or Indiana Jones. Didn't matter, cause they were both Harrison Ford!

So here's to you Indy...Happy 30th! To think that you were almost played by Tom Selleck. Woah!

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Super 8: Super Dumb is Fun


There were moments in SUPER 8 when I felt this was a movie hitting all the right beats. And almost every single one of them involved the kids just being kids in a real world where kids are kids. And then the movie decided, like so many kids type movies do, the adults are stupid and kids are super smart and like totally capable of like super duper skillsets they won't discover for a good 10 years!

Oh and if you are a cute kid, you apparently get frakin' ESP that allows you to home in on your crush like a heat seeking missile does with the sun (seriously, you can spoof a heat seeking missile by flying into the sun, true story).

But I am jumping ahead. The rest of this article will contain some spoilers, so if you intend on seeing the movie, stop reading now.

Still here? Good. Then you are either planning on saving yourself money or already downloaded the movie for free off the Internet thingy all the kids are talking about (yes, people tell me a good copy is already floating out there). I know it is only those two possibilities since no one actually paid to see this movie in the theaters (other than myself, of course, the sucker I am).

The movie starts somberly, with the sudden and violent death of the mother of our lead character, whose name I don't remember and will never need to commit to memory anyway since I will never watch this movie again. We will just call him Henry.

Crap, I just IMDB'd to find out the actor's name and in doing so found out that his character is named Joe. That is a bummer since I was really excited about calling him Henry.

Henry, played very well by someone I have never heard of, Joel Courtney, is friends with some dude, and another dude who likes to blow stuff up, and a fat kid who wants to be a director. Oh and in the process of making some movie for some blahblahblah, Henry meets the girl of his dreams, Alice, also played very well by Elle Fanning. I guess she is the sister of Dakota Fanning. Do I care? No. But she kicked some acting ass in this movie.

Actually, I think all the kids did a really good job. On that level, this movie rocks ballz.



As the kids go to make a little movie for some reason, using a super 8 camera (get it? that's why the movie is called that!), they discover hormones and love and other things that happen in movies about kids. Now, this is when the movie is at its best. When the kids are just being goofy little bastages doing their idiotic kid crap. And even this Henry's dead mom and Alice's alive dad subplot gets a tad interesting and the actors deliver believable emotion.

But then the movie gets into the monster stuff and it works for a little bit. Maybe even half the movie. Until you see the monster and then it just looked silly. It wasn't scary, except when we couldn't see it, and by then making the whole story about a more badass ET (than the wussy that was the ET) who just wants to phone home and snoozefest times the square root of stupid, I stopped loving the film.

Not to mention the fact that Henry so easily found where his dearest love was, or that every single piece fits perfectly into this puzzle so that every character can end up exactly where they need to be at the perfect time. Oh and that ending! Sappy doesn't begin to explain it. The whole necklace deal made me want to punch a monkey. A cute monkey, not one of those ugly ones, because that is easy.

Everyone can punch an ugly monkey.

But the credit sequence, with the "finished" film that the kids were shooting, was funny. It also reminded me why I first loved this movie and then slowly fell out of love with it. The best parts were before we saw the monster, or found out it was an ET trying to get home, or that it didn't actually kill anyone, just kept them around for... ummm... why did it keep them around? And that if you touched it, then you would understand it and it would understand you and, oh hell, ET PHONE HOME ALREADY!

About half the movie is very good while the other half is hit and miss. Very good acting all around. Big action. Sometimes scary. Mostly just dumb. But sometimes dumb is fun.

Addendum: I should add that one of my biggest gripe with this movie is that it should have been aimed at kids, not adults. This has too many expletives for a kids movie. And too many kids for an adults movie. I suppose that may be why it isn't doing big bucks at the box office.

Score
77 out of 100


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13 June, 2011

Bethesda Hacked! User Info Stolen!


Bethesda, makers of the fantastic Fallout and Elder Scrolls series of games, announced today that several of their sites and forums "may have" been hacked and that user information "may have" been compromised.

So you can take it to the bank and cash it that not only DID the entirety of their online properties get hacked but that your information was most DEFINITELY stolen.

Bethesda suggests that anyone with accounts on their properties "immediately change passwords on all our sites" but I think that isn't enough and that they are being short sighted as to the significance of such an intrusion.

Hackers count on the fact that end users are lazy and that they won't change passwords.  But not just for Bethesda properties, that isn't really the goldmine or a reason to do it for them.  Many people keep the same password with the same email address as their registration contact for almost EVERY SITE on the Internet that once a hacker has your email and password, the hacker owns you.

So if you had a Bethesda account and you were using the same password for any other account anywhere, change EVERY PASSWORD because once they have one, they could use your one compromised account to get it all.




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10 June, 2011

Geek Furious Podcast #1 - Metallica!

Here is the first podcast for this site!  Greek Geek and Head Geek Furious create the best possible Metallica album using one song from each album.  Also, the top 5 covers and best live song.


NSFW (that means we curse like sailors)





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09 June, 2011

FRINGE - Was It Worth My Time?

Pacey Bishop is Sexy, Like a Meow Meow
After my run with X-FILES back in the day, and my general distaste for all things sci-fi gore/horror, I decided, after one episode, that I had no interest in watching FRINGE. I found the lead female actor to be dull and poorly executed, and the story uninteresting. So I simply discarded it as a show that I would ever watch.

As the summer of 2011 closed in and I started contemplating doing this site, I realized that I couldn't possibly avoid the show, since it had become the new big geek/nerd deal. Also, a couple of friends who were fans of other shows I watched were often talking about it so I decided to just bite the bullet and catch up on all three seasons.

What follows are my general feelings as I watched the seasons. Note that there will be spoilers for those who have not seen the show. I do not recommend you read this if you want to know nothing. So stop right here if you don't want to be spoiled.  You should also stop right here if you are fragile.  Finally, you can scroll to the bottom to see my grades for the different seasons, if that helps your decision to watch or not:

SEASON 1

Right away I find this Australia Dumbham (played by Anna Torv), or whatever her name is, to be the most wooden, uninteresting, blank sheet of papery character.  I can't even be bothered to learn her correct name.  I mostly just call her "FBI b***h."  As in "that FBI b***h needs to die so I can almost enjoy this show."  Plus, her American accent is terrible.  This one is what I call the marble-mouth American accent where the actor sounds like she is rolling a marble under her tongue when trying to say certain words. I had recognized it when I watched one episode at some point during the live run of the show, but this is nearly every episode of me not caring about her character and hating her accent. I just want the writers to set her on fire. Is that possible? She seems like a main character/actor. I can't believe I have to watch this talentless hack for TWO MORE SEASONS!

Thankfully, Walter Bishop is addictive, awesome, brilliant, adorable, and superbly acted (by John Noble)! Also, Walter's relationship with his son, Pacey Bishop (played by Joshua Jackson), is very interesting and often wildly entertaining. I am happy about this because the snoozefest that is Australia Dumbham would have made this show a torture to watch. Granted, I really, really, super really, HATE the whole sci-fi horror/gore genre. I don't like zombies, I don't like goblins or monsters or bubbling masses of cancer cells. I don't dig it, I don't get the interest, and I piss in the mouths of people who masturbate while watching that crap. So I am already predisposed to disliking this show.

But I watch and I suffer through the case-of-the-week boredom, while enjoying Walter and his relationship/exchanges with his son. Thank the gods for Walter and Pacey. I can almost cancel out the insufferable FBI b***h and the storylines. I sometimes fast forward through the episodes. It is the first time I have ever fast forwarded through episodes. That is how much I dislike the genre and Dumbham (I laugh outloud every time she answers her phone: "DUMBHAM!").

Dumbham needs to poop.

I survive season 1 but barely. Oh no... are there more episodes in season 2? This is not good.  Also, I think I just realized Walter's son's name is Peter.  Goodbye Pacey Bishop.

SEASON 2

Man... this show isn't getting any better. Walter and Peter are still great but FBI b***h is just as bad as ever. Correction, Anna Torv's American accent has improved (she has a smaller marble in her mouth now). But from a story telling perspective, this season doesn't improve much, if at all. UNTIL... the final few episodes when there is a sudden rush on a real story arc.  Oh and I should mention that there is an episode in the middle of the season left over from season 1.  Featuring a character who is dead.  Yeah.  That just happened.

Yes, he is a scientist, but he's also trippin' balls!
Now, before I tackle what leads us into season three, I want to say that there are some original elements in this show that pop up every now and then. One of those is the "Observers." This is one of those story devices that made me fall for LOST and BSG. That something much bigger and unexplainable is at work. If done right, this type of story telling device can propel an otherwise mediocre show to greatness because it invests the audience in the bigger picture, not just what happens in individual episodes.

OK, so jumping back into where season two goes at the end, I am suddenly interested starting with the end of episode 15. However, it isn't until episodes 21 to 23 where I start looking forward to what comes next. Sure, Peter's decision to leave seems out of character, since he is such a deep thinker and with such a strong will, but I suppose I can also see that he feels disconnected from the things around him and decides to see what is on the other side. Also, there has been a slow build-up of possible romantic feelings between Peter and Australia. This begins to actually reveal itself here as Peter meets the other world FBI b***h. When she asks him what the other her is like, Peter's response is very honest and likely a revelation to himself. It is probably my favorite acting moment for Joshua Jackson, up to this point, and the point where shipper hearts likely took off like I do when one of my relationships gets serious.

The season ends on a very predictable but interesting note as one Australia takes the place of the other, and FBI b***h is left behind (good, I hope they kill her). I am finally interested in where they may take this.

SEASON 3

Anna Torv is a revelation! What the hell happened here? I can't remember an actor going from a talentless hack to the one-to-watch three seasons into a show. Were the writers just giving her so little to do that it underwhelmed the actor? Is she like one of those geniuses who, if you don't challenge them, they deliver a half-assed job? Whatever it is, someone was screwing with me for two seasons.  I am just happy to see that the writers have given Torv two new characters to play.  Olivia Dunham and Olivia Dunham (the other world version who we shall call Fauxlivia to make things easier).  I know, not very original seeing as she played Australia Dumbham for two seasons, but I guess it is easier for the actor to remember her character's name if it is so similar.  After all, she is blond and you know things get really difficult for them.

Suddenly Olivia/Fauxlivia are the most interesting characters on the show. The arcs are deep. The emotions are complex. Both characters are similar but also noticeably different. Body language, facial expressions, even the way they speak is different. When Olivia smiles, it is the smile of someone who doesn't take happiness for granted. When Fauxlivia smiles, it is the smile of someone who is very happy to be who she is. But these stark differences also create a problem for Peter's character.
Someone's got some 'splainin' to do!
Peter Bishop is so smart, so aware, so detail oriented that it becomes increasingly difficult to believe that he wouldn't notice the difference. Sure, they have him note some differences but he seems to dismiss them too easily. This does his character a disservice. And this is a common issue for writers. The idea to change things up adds a new level to the show but often at the expense of another strong element. To work, Peter has to be dumbed down and I am sure fans of his character must have been livid over it.

Thankfully, once Peter begins to piece things together and, more importantly, when he is confronted by the real Olivia about it, the writers give Peter a believable (or close enough to it) explanation. Should he have known right away? Maybe. Did he? Maybe. But he wasn't thinking clearly because he wanted to make things work, even if he knew something wasn't right. Is it a bit tough to swallow? Yeah. But it also makes for an interesting dynamic between the three characters since... dundundun... Peter and Fauxlivia kind of fell for each other realzies like. Oh, and she is preggers! But Peter is in love with Olivia, or so it would seem, so this could get interesting.

Meanwhile, we have been dealing with a weapon that can destroy worlds and Peter's quest to discover what it is all about and his place in all of it. It seems that Peter is the juice the machine needs to work. At this point I begin to make bets with people that Peter will step into the machine in the finale and destroy one of the worlds, then scramble to take it back in season 4. The writers pull a CHUCK on this one and accelerate the storyline instead of using it for another season. But before I go there, the show deals with the Peter and Olivia romance, as well as the Fauxlivia pregnancy.

The Fauxlivia pregnancy is dealt with very quickly but with some fun dramatic beats (I am of course leaving out a ton of episodes between all of this just to get to the main points) and I get the feeling that the birth of her and Peter's son will have a greater deal of importance in season 4 than it did in season 3 (as nothing more than a tool for DNA). Meanwhile, after roughly 20 dramatic conversations (exhausting but sometimes believable and well written) about their relationship, Peter and Olivia finally become a couple and now I am sure one of them is going to die!

Somewhere along the way Peter has become my favorite character. Now, I am a heterosexual male with no bisexual tendencies but I am willing to go back to college to experiment.  Peter is dreamy.  I don't care how that makes me sound. It is the truth. I want him to snuggle me and tell me everything will be alright. Is that wrong? If it is, then I am prepared to wage a war against right. That man is just intoxicating. I want to go watch reruns of his other show, Richard Dawson's Creep.  Stop looking at me like that, guys!  Oh... Pacey.  Peter!  I meant Peter!  I wish I was a woman right now.... I sure hope that doesn't come back to haunt me some day when I run for president.  But I digress.
Peter tries to clone himself the lazy way. If only...
And so that brings us to the finale. The series finally pays off this Peter and Olivia connection that has been threatening to save or destroy worlds. I love it.  I also love the fake-out future where Olivia is murdered by other world Walter.  Sure, they do away with it quickly but the drama and emotions Jackson and Noble deliver in their sit-down confrontation is intense.  But I am beyond furious the moment Peter winks out of existence after "saving" both worlds. I throw things at my TV. I kick my PS3 across the room. I swing my arms around in the air like a monkey. But then I start thinking about the meaning of what I just watched.

I am sure that even though Peter went poof, he exists somewhere. He just doesn't exist to these characters at this time. But will they begin to remember him over time? Will they feel a loss, even if they can't remember why they feel it? Peter made an enormous impression on two worlds, he can't just be wiped away for eternity. And does Peter exist on a different plane? Can he now travel between worlds? Is he invisible? Is he a god? Can he remember everything and see everyone? Is he suddenly all-knowing? Does he go back in time and return to his body as a child but with all the memories of a man who just saved two worlds? Does he become Neo?  Can he appear in my bed right now?  Arrrgh!  Damn you, Peter! Why must thou be so full of wonderful?

This is why I am interested in seeing FRINGE season 4. Because the writers didn't play it safe. They elevated the game. And while I never had much interest in watching this show, I am glad I did. I am not glad to have suffered through about 36 episodes in seasons 1 and 2, but more than happy that the show creators figured out how to take what was working and to keep it interesting. And to take elements that weren't working and make them work. And most importantly, for realizing that the show they had been writing for two seasons was nothing more than an X-FILES wannabe with X-FILES homages. So, instead, they created a unique show out of the best material. Oh and I am sure fanboys and fangirls of this show will tell me how nearly two useless seasons of snail-paced exposition was necessary, but I will counter with season 3. This show never needed the long setup or the case of the week focus. It just needed to tell an exciting and well constructed story.

SERIES GRADE
(Non-Americans: A = awesome, B = good, C = ok, D = not good, F = failure)

SEASON 1
C : If not for Walter and Pacey, I would not have made it through this one.  The case of the week rarely interests me and the show focuses too much on my least favorite character, Australia.

SEASON 2
B- : Walter and Peter help me get through to the final three episodes where the show really takes off.  Also, there are a couple of pretty good episodes scattered throughout the season that set up the grander arc.

SEASON 3
A : The lame case-of-the-week structure is diluted into backwash.  Almost every character is interesting. I really enjoy Olivia (that's what he said).  Most of the stories rule.  The acting and writing is top notch.  On par with a very good season of LOST or BSG.  And the final few minutes of the finale had my heart pumping in ways only the best shows ever do.  I would have given it an A+ but there is at least one season left.  If all three seasons had been this good, FRINGE would be my favorite show on TV.

SEASON 4
TBD : As long as the writers pay off characters arcs, this one should be on the level of season 3.

What say you?  Comment below.  Anonymous posting is enabled.  Internet Explorer users, sometimes you have to hit "Post Comment" a few times.  I don't know why.


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07 June, 2011

Is The Book of Mormon any good? Holy F**k Yeah!

This is not going to be a review of "The Book of Mormon"; just an emphatic recommendation of the show which I had the benefit of catching over the weekend.

Trey Parker and Matt Stone have crafted a glorious piece of entertainment. Yeah, it's a Broadway musical comedy in the classic sense...but one from the creators of "South Park". So by definition it's gut busting funny, raunchy and just damn entertaining.

"The Book of Mormon" is simply the next evolutionary step after "South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut" and "Team America: World Police" except it's live and in your face.

If you're in NYC and have the opportunity...SEE IT.

As far as geek credibility? Let's just say Middle Earth, A galaxy far far away and the United Federation of Planets are present at mass. I have already said too much.

I'll stop here and let Trey and Matt tell you the rest.



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03 June, 2011

Top 10 Geek Shows You Should Watch


So you call yourselves geeks or fans of shows that are fantasy based?  You buy your tickets to SDCC every year and spend thousands to stand in line all day to see the new X-MEN trailer?  But when I ask you if you watched this show or that you look at me like I just kissed your sister (ignore this one if I just kissed your sister)!

First, let me define the difference between a GEEK and a NERD since this is bound to turn into "that's not a geek show" or "you don't know what you are talking about, nerd!"  Only my opinion matters in this regard since it is my list.  If you don't agree, then you have only yourself to blame.

THE NERD
Loves linear knowledge. Has a shrine to Star Trek and learned to speak Klingon because Shakespeare is better in the original mother tongue.  Spent five years trying to find the meaning behind the numbers on LOST and has 500 JPEGs of the images that are shown at each FRINGE commercial break, looking for patterns in what has to be code.  Consumed by the logic of things and uses terms like "derivative" and "pedantic" when their entertainment pays homage, because the nerd doesn't require anyone to validate their love for things.  As a scientist or engineer, is likely to be more on the development side of things because making things work is more interesting than the concept.  Give one a manual and watch them devour it.


THE GEEK
Loves collecting stuff!  Has watched Star Wars at least once a week since 1977 because of light sabers and droids and the Force and Han shooting first and Jawas and space battles and the JEDI!  Didn't learn to speak any particular fantasy language (except maybe a few choice words or terms) but can do a mean Yoda or Jabba impression and can twirl a lightsaber like one of those prequel Jedi.  Loves to quote lines from their favorite shows.  Consumed by the potential of things and "geeks out" when a show pays homage, because the geek is at the core a social bug.  As a scientist or engineer, enjoys the research side more because coming up with concepts for technology is far more interesting than making sure it works.  Give one a manual and watch the perplexed look on their face.


Here are the top 10 Geek shows... that you should watch:

10. SOUTH PARK (1997-Present) - It is animated, edgy, pop cultury, hilarious and even after over fourteen seasons, still relevant (unlike that show on FOX with the spiky haired brat).  The fact that they can make these episodes in less than a week and have them ready for airing also means it is the only show that can take an immediate current event and lampoon it before the ink is dry on your Sunday paper (people still read those, right?).

9. THE IT CROWD (2006-Present) - A show from the UK that is full of pop culture and geek centric themes.  Only a true geek would love it.  While it plays around with the world of information technology, it only does so on the surface, focusing more on the comedy of outcasts.

8. SPACED (1999-2001) - Another UK show.  Made by geeks, for geeks, about geeks.  Though made way back in the day (over 10 years ago), it still feels current as the generational themes haven't shifted all that much in geek world.  It also has the most amazing "gun fight" ever put to film.

7. ARCHER (2009-Present) - Geeks love toys.  Archer has tons of them.  Plus witty writing and crude humor make for win.  The show is wish fulfillment for geeks as Archer can do anyone and anything without suffering too many consequences.  It is also brutal, reference heavy and very quotable.

6. FIREFLY (2002) - Never even made it through a whole season but is worshipped by geeks everywhere for its great characters, fun stories, quick dialogue and geektastic casting.  Though this show aims more for realism than fantasy, it avoids nerdisms by not getting caught up in technicalities.

5. COMMUNITY (2009-Present) - One of those shows that could end up much higher on the list down the line.  It is an orgie of all things geek and more often than not executed masterfully.  It is like every show and yet no show can be compared to it.  Arguably the most geek show ever made.  It is important to note that if you watch just the first few episodes of season 1, then you won't experience what this show has become as the writers went along.  Watch them all or don't bother, the payoff is pretty incredible.

4. CHUCK (2007-2012) - Terrible name for an intoxicatingly lovable show.  This is the ultimate geek fantasy.  Brilliant guy in a dead-end job gets abilities through tech and is suddenly thrust into the spy world.  Assigned a beautiful CIA handler, he falls for her.  And the rest is history.  This show delivers more character progress in 78 episodes (91 will be its final tally) than most shows do in 178.  Plus, how can you not be watching a show where characters hum the Imperial March from Star Wars to gain confidence for a mission?  Or demonstrate proficiency with an Italian accent inspired by Nintendo's Mario?  All in the same episode!  Not to mention one of the most likable casts on television.  If you haven't checked it out yet, you should.  You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

3. QUANTUM LEAP (1989-1993) - Scott Bakula at his best (though, he is pretty great on CHUCK as well).  A never-ending possibility of story lines and shifting characters in every episode, this has to be one of the most challenging acting gigs ever.  Never given its proper respect due to being too sci-fi, it lasted just long enough to give us almost everything we ever wanted, with an ending that left us wanting more.

2. LOST (2004-2010) - Not just one of the best geek shows of all time (nerds dig this one too) but one of the best television shows of all time.  Full of sci-fi, fantasy, drama, and humor, along with brilliant writing, it will go down in geek-history as one of the most controversial series finales ever.  Whether you were satisfied at the end or not, that shouldn't change the greatness of the journey.

1. BATTLESTAR GALACTICA (2004-2009) - When it was announced that this 70s series would be re-imagined and that it would change major characters and plot elements around, many raged against it and slammed the miniseries.  But the show went to season, thanks to the UK, and Americans started hearing positive things from their cousins across the pond and suddenly BSG became the most illegally downloaded thing on planet Earth!  And then we saw what those Brits were talking about and the lovefest began.  With its deep social, political, and religious themes, as well as some of the most amazing space battle sequences you will ever see, and major story shifts along the way, this is the best geek show of all time!  That... you should watch.

Your favorite show didn't make the list?  Well, I can be persuaded to add more or even change the list.  Argue for your choices in the comments section.  If I haven't watched your favorite show, I will consider it if you make it sound sexy.  But if your only argument is "YOU SHOULD HAVE INCLUDED FUTURAMA! YOU ARE NOT A GEEK!" then I will just add that show to the "dumbest fans of" list next week.

NOTE TO BABYLON 5 fans: Your show was 10th and SOUTH PARK was 11th on my list but I switched the spots because I haven't watched all of B5 and didn't get as involved in it. I may some day change the rankings once I catch up on shows (like FRINGE). But I didn't feel it was an honest list if I included a show I hadn't finished watching.



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02 June, 2011

Stars and Stripes vs. Camping Gear: Summer Movie Predictions


Now that I've covered Thor, let's take a look at two other huge superhero movies coming out this summer: Captain America: The First Avenger vs. Green Lantern. I'm going to make some predictions about these movies and we'll see how true they are when the films come out. My predictions are only based on the trailers as I haven't done any research into what the plots will be.

1. Hayley Atwell is going to kick Blake Lively's butt in the “Who's the Awesomer Superhero Girlfriend” category. Why? Because she shoots sh*t up in the trailer, and she's Hayley Atwell. Watch “The Duchess” and/or “The Pillars of the Earth” and you'll understand.

2. The Captain America film will be more interesting to me in terms of the framework of the story, because it takes place in the 40s. I am just DYING for someone to make a Superman movie set in 1938. Fedoras, typewriters, printing presses, telephone booths that are not obsolete...it would just be so awesome. Like a longer more complex Max Fleischer cartoon, but I digress. Green Lantern, on the other hand, is very outer space centric. Which it has to be since the Lantern Corps is basically the police force of the universe. But I'm not a massive fan of superheros dealing in outer space, I'd rather leave that domain to Luke Skywalker, Captain Adama, Prosty and Mal, and of course Ruby Rhod.

3. Ryan Reynolds is hotter than Chris Evans. Captain America has some Benjamin Button's Sh*t going on, and it freaks me out. Also, both men have played superheroes in other films, but Evans was a main character in TWO Fantastic Four movies...so he's a cheater.

4. Green Lantern's powers are way cool, and I can't wait to see them in use. I also can't wait to see Sinestro. Captain America? I don't know who his villains are aside from probably the Nazis.

In conclusion, I think Green Lantern might be a more commercial been-there-done-that superhero movie than Captain America, which has the potential to be really interesting considering the setting, but I'd still rather hang out with Hal Jordan.


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THOR! *smash*


Thor the comic book character isn't one I know a ton about, but I do like him as a hero. He was one of the last characters you could unlock in Marvel: Ultimate Alliance 2 (don't ask me which system I played on because I don't remember) and when you did no one stood a chance. He's a GOD! And he may have an old school costume and a hammer, but man can he f*ck sh*t up. That was perfectly shown in the movie. Mjolnir (the hammer) allows him all kinds of cool abilities. Flying, thunder bolts, beating people's faces off, it was great! Of course, the hammer and Thor himself are from an actual myth. As I'm sure you know, Thor was worshiped as a Norse god way back in the day, and Thursday is named after him: Thor's Day. For better or for worse I think that made this film feel less like a superhero movie and more like a fantasy film. That didn't bother me, but it was unexpected.

Thor was a really fun movie, and was the perfect type of film to prepare everyone for the barrage of big blockbusters coming up this summer. The film did a great job making Asgard and the Bifrost and all the rest of it not seem cheesy. I thought Chris Hemsworth's portrayal of Thor was excellent, a LOT better than I thought it might be when I heard about his casting. Thor is portrayed here as a hero of extremes, either he's angry and in a fightin' mood, or he's jolly and in a fightin' mood. In both cases I thought he was really entertaining. In jolly mode he kind of makes me think of a young and buff Santa Claus. My only problem with Thor is that he waxes his chest...he looks amazing, but it doesn't really fit with his rough Viking persona OR his beard.

I only had a few issues with this film, but they are enough to mean I probably won't buy the DVD, except maybe as a gift for my dad. I thought the editing was not great. There were a ton of abrupt scene changes and odd transitions, usually when going from New Mexico to the Asgard storyline. I also thought the editing and/or writing was uneven in that the film began with a decent length intro, then a long sequence in Asgard, but as the film went on the story jumped back and forth between earth and Asgard a lot quicker. There were maybe two minutes in the car with Thor and Jane and then the film would jump back into space. They should have kept going with the longer segments, I think it would have made the love story better. I didn't dislike the love story, I liked Natalie's Jane and she and Thor were sweet, but I really didn't give two rat poos if they got together or not.

My other main issue with the film was the huge amount of supporting characters. Thor is an origin movie, and it had about 14 other characters, with names and lines and all the rest of it. This means that less time is actually spent with Thor, the main character, and that's no good. Look at Superman, Spiderman, and Batman Begins. All very good movies and all successful origin movies. They all have only about 8 characters you actually need to remember: hero, villain, love interest, and a few supporting characters. For some reason the writers of Thor wanted to include the Warrior's Three, plus Sif, plus Thor's mother, plus give Jane two assistants. (I'd actually be vehemently defending giving Jane two assistants had Darcy been played by Aubrey Plaza, and I like Skarsgard because he's the only Scandinavian in a movie dealing with Norse mythology.) Plus there were three villains: S.H.I.E.L.D, Loki, and the Jotunheim frost giants (In Norse mythology Jotunheim is also home to rock giants) It was just way too crowded for an origin story. I would have liked more Thor.

My request for the sequel, drop Thor into a huge metropolitan center, in his outfit WITH the helmet, and let him beat the crap out of stuff here on earth.


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