16 June, 2011

Duke Nukem Forever - Party Like It's 1999!

In development for something like 20-years, Duke Nukem Forever has finally been released and it took me this long to write about it because, unlike 99% of "game critics" out there, I don't write reviews, or whatever the hell this is, until I finish a game. Well, I finished it by deleting it from my hard drive about halfway in... or five minutes in. It is possible I was at the end. I don't really remember because most of the game looked something like this to me:

Is this shot from 1996 or 2011? Not sure. The graphics look similar.

What is the story? I don't know. Something happens and Duke is like rich and famous and he pisses and signs autographs and talks to hookers and kicks doors and jumps and runs around and fires. Mind you, this style of gameplay was way cool in 1996! And for about 2-hours I kept waiting for the developers to reveal that they were messing with us by showing us the real graphics and the real gameplay and the real voice acting, dialogue and story. I was so sure it would happen that I kept playing, even though the gameplay, graphics, creatures, story, dialogue, effects, environments, driving, and everything but a few boss battles... SUCKED!

Fire effects are cool. Look very cinematic... for me to poop on.

I realize that saying this will guarantee that I will not receive any more free games to review, but since I haven't received a single game for free to review it doesn't hurt much. Granted, there are enough ass-kissing fanboy reviews out there to satisfy the developer and their marketing commies, so I doubt they will worry about little ol' me. But a couple of those "critics" whose mouths are stuck in the butt-pucker position, want us to bask in the glory of the homage to the old series!

Yes, the game doesn't suck by accident, it sucks ON PURPOSE!

Boss battle! Let me run in circles 'til I run out of ammo, then win!

Duke likes to tell us he is the "king" and I agree. He is the king of... you know that term "epic fail"? It can now be replaced by this game, as in "OMG! That crash was a total Duke Nukem Forever!" Or "She couldn't spell autochthons at the spelling bee championship and lost to a home schooled four year old! Duke Nukem Forever!"

The developers who thought the masses would be stupid enough to buy this game were right.  We were.  But we aren't dumb enough to accept that this turd is quality or an intentionally crappy homage to a 15 year old game.  This game fails because the talent behind it is lacking.  Perhaps that is because it was a gigantic piece of poo-cake from the start, but whatever the case it was these developers who tossed on the emperor's new clothes in the hopes that enough people wouldn't notice the warts, moles, and cancer blotches on the naked diarrhea stained ass of the douchehog that is this awful mess of gaming ballz!

23 out of 100


  1. Terrible game. I would give it 0 out of 100.

  2. Easily the worst article I've ever read. The reviewer obviously never played the original and is using graphics from a game released in 96 misleading his audience.

    If you don't like the game, fine. But lying to your audience is akin to libel. Please don't bother to do anymore reviews as you have shown this blog doesn't take them seriously or check facts before posting

  3. OMFG did that nut just accuse you of libel? Fanboy indeed. Love the review. As always you crack me up.

  4. People will justify the awfulness of something they paid money for as a way to deflect from their stupidity for having spent money on it.

    Or some people are just easily impressed. And that is fine. You can like this crappy game, but don't pretend it isn't crappy.

  5. libel?? rotflmao! are you crazy fool?! that is the funniest shit. almost as funny as the review which made me pee a little. thumbs up.

  6. Please sue me. Pretty please, sue me!

  7. If they can sue for libel can I sue for bullshit promises and marketing?

  8. Couldn't agree with this review more. What a shitty game. Easily the most disappointing game in years. Unfortunately I bought it from Steam so I can't even return it or resell it. I will never buy from these tools again.