COMMUNITY 3.10: Regional Holiday Music

"Merry Christmas, everyone. Glee club just became history club." -- Jeff Winger

The show's Christmas episode is also its last for a while, as NBC has placed it on the bench for the foreseeable future as it tries to restructure its Thursday lineup. The show will return eventually, as it is going to film its full 22 episode season, and I wouldn't be shocked to see it picked up for another season since Sony will practically give the show away for free to NBC just to make syndication numbers.

The episode begins with Jeff helping to dissolve the school's glee club via ASCAP's legal intervention due to copyright infringement. That forces the club's instructor to try to get the study group to fill in as replacements. What follows is a manic episode that goes to crazy town, filled with wild singing and sluttery.

First of all, let me just cite my source for the song titles in this review. I got them from Alan Sepinwall, at this link (his review is much better than mine).

Second, the story is essentially secondary to the musical numbers, even though each one is brought about by the narrative element, which is essentially that every one of the study group members is somehow put under the spell of glee club. I suspect the instructor was slipping them all Ecstasy but what do I know. Here are the musical numbers as they appeared.

Songs Performed
"Glee," by Abed and Mr. Rad
This one threw me off at first. Then I really got into it. Confession... I love comedic musical stuff, like anything by Trey Parker and Matt Stone, and this number filled that need well. And unlike all those horrid songs on that awful show GLEE (sorry, Ali Adler, I still love you), this one is awesome and short, and original.

"Jahovah's Secret Witness" by Abed and Troy
Only COMMUNITY can pull this kind of thing off and not make it suuuuuuuuck like MISFITS season 3. Troy and Abed's rap about becoming a secret Christmas assassin is like the best YouTube video ever with autotune. Goddamn this show is too good for mankind. We don't deserve this level of awesomeness. CANCEL IT! WE ARE NOT WORTHY!

"Baby Boomer Santa" by Troy, Abed, and Pierce
Abed and Troy ambush the study group with a glee number and Pierce gets sucked in by their multi-generation spanning number. It's pretty nuts. You should be watching the episode instead of reading this bullshit review.

"Teach Me How To Understand Christmas" by Annie
Daddy likes! Me just male. Me should know dis totally wrong. Me weak. No resist. Give in to bad Santa's little helper girl who no smart. Annie writhes around the floor and everything else like a naughty Betty Boop trying to manipulate Jeff into turning to the dark side. He tries to resist but like me, he fills a nearby cup with a sampling from another album... or something. Boobies!

"Happy Birthday Jesus" by the children's choir and Shirley
Pierce brings cute little kids to sing about Jesus and of course Shirley can't resist and joins them. Shirley is one of those characters who can sometimes easily fall into the background but when given time to play, like last week, truly shines and when she finally belts out her tune (is that really the actor's voice?) it is the best performance of the episode. Britta is horrified!

"Planet Christmas" by the gang
The highlight of this performance is that Britta comes in and ruins the entire thing with her awful vocals and total ignorance of the lyrics. To me, this is the best moment of the episode. Britta is just so totally unaware of her lack of talent that she destroys all that the glee club instructor, and apparent murderer, has worked so hard to create.

Quotables

Annie: And don't bother this year, I'll be at the movies with my bubby [sounds like 'booby'].
Troy: (confused) You're not taking both of them?
Annie: (sad) Well, one's dead.
Troy: What?!

Dean: And to think, they were this close (holds thumb and index finger slightly apart) to regionals.
Pierce: What the hell are regionals?
Dean: They're this close, Pierce!

Mr. Rad: (singing) Glee! It's like a drug that you use that turns pain into shoes and your shoes into dance!

Annie: Hey guys. Rapping?
Abed: Yep. Wanna join us?
Annie: Totally! Wait. You guys never let me rap with you.
Troy: Well, we're gonna need all hands on deck if we're gonna go to regionals.
Annie: (suspiciously) Cool. I just need to.. study.. though, in my room. So, have fun!

Troy: (effeminately) Look guys, I hear your negativity but also can I counter with this? Who hates glee? Listen to how that sounds. Glee literally means 'glee.'

Troy and Abed: (singing) Baby boomer Santa, thank you for MTV!

Annie: (singing in a baby voice) You smarty! Me dumb! Help pretty, have fun! Booby dooby doob boob, sex!
Jeff: Look, eventually you hit a point of diminishing returns on the sexyness.
Annie: (in baby voice) What's a diminyiwahnyawahhhh?

Mr. Rad: (freaking out) This show is supposed to be gleeful! And bright! And fun! And you can let me do that or there can be another bus crash!
The audience gasps.
Mr. Rad: Well, figuratively. (laughing) I'm not saying 'I killed the last glee club!' I'm saying, you not listening to me is like metaphorically cutting the brake lines on your own.. (pointing behind the audience) look Kings of Leon.
Mr. Rad runs away.
Jeff: What did he say? Did Mr. Rad kill the last glee club?
Dean: And to think I trusted him enough to captain a magic carpet in that dream I had last night.

Jeff: It's been a dark semester. I basically killed a guy. And I kind of attacked you guys with a fire ax. Thinking about seeing a new shrink.
Britta: What?!
Jeff: Don't.

If I had to rate this one I'd give it:

92 out of 100

One of the most unique episodes, in a season of unique episodes. COMMUNITY continues to prove the early season naysayers wrong by killing it every week. Those who feel the need to shit on a show as it enters the third season just because they have run out of stamina to enjoy genius can go fuck off and die someplace cold and dark. I am having a blast. When this show returns sometime in the next few months, after that abortionfest WHITNEY and its fuckbuddy CHELSEA bomb, COMMUNITY will ride in on its steed of greatness to set fire to the land of predictable shit that belongs on CBS where talent goes to sell itself into prostitution.

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Metallica NEW SONG "Just a Bullet Away"

Here you go... another new song written years ago but just released now. Enjoy and comment below if you like or hate or don't know what you think of it.

EDIT 2: Warner took down all the uploads for the studio version.

EDIT: Live performance from 7 December Fillmore performance!

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Being a CHUCK Fan: 2007-2012

Today, 7 December, 2011, marks the final day that the show CHUCK will film a new episode. It is over and there is no "saving" it. When the actors leave the set today, they will never return. The sets have either already been broken down or are in the process. Plaques have been made and the deal has been sealed for eternity. It is a sad day for all those involved. Not a dry eye in the house.

But what makes this show special, above all others? What made CHUCK unique other than the obvious story, cast, writing, and setting? That every year, without fail, the cast, crew, and its fans worried from the end of season 1, 2, 3, and 4 whether or not the show would come back. And even going into season 5, would the show get more than 13? Those who have stuck around have struggled to just simply enjoy the show they loved, because that worry was always there.

Will this be the year it all ends? Will this be the final episode or do we get more? Is that how it will all end?

And every year after season 1, the show got more and more and more episodes, even as the ratings dropped. Mostly because NBC itself was in such a rut it didn't have a better option. And WB, the owners of the show, felt CHUCK could make them money in syndication (barely reported fact: CHUCK is a big merchandising seller), so they kept licensing the show for less and less so NBC would keep it. And fans, most certainly through their love and passion for the show, even if delusional, created campaign after campaign, after sometimes insane and totally unrealistic campaign to save the show.

That is something some CHUCK fans never seemed to run out of: unflinching faith in their ability to keep the show around longer. Sure, I could sit here and point out how ridiculous the notion is that fans will ever actually "save" a show, but it doesn't matter. Because they believed it and they attempted it, over and over. So, those fans who participated were in a constant state of grasping at straws, to never let their love die.

Of course it has died, but what a death. Nearly cancelled at 13 episodes. Then 35 episodes. Then 48 episodes. Then 54 episodes. Then 67 episodes. Then 78 episodes. It finally ended at 91, but not before the writers could construct an actual ending, knowing it was all over.

Also, WB made it to the number of episodes required for syndication, thereby some day making the money back it lost on lowering the licensing fee. And fans got to see a real journey for their characters. They also got to create real goodbyes that the cast and crew was able to enjoy, knowing the end was coming.

It is all kinds of beautiful.

All kinds of perfect.

And though it all ends for the cast and crew today, it doesn't end for us fans until 27 January, 2012. So, today we say goodbye to the process. In 7 weeks we say goodbye to everything else.

Tell us your stories of being a CHUCK fan in the comments section below. Where did CHUCK touch you? Anonymous posting is, as always, enabled.

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NEW GIRL 1.08 - Bad In Bed

Woah. Zooey is hot. I never knew this until tonight. She is a major hottie babe. She is sexy like a meow meow. I want to do some hotchie mutchie in her most totally inappropriate...... I mean the CHARACTER not the actor, of course. I mean Jess.

Alright, let's just get to the recap.

Jess bangs her new boyfriend and things just don't go well.

Jess: I just haven't had sex with anyone but Spencer in six years and I get so nervous. It's like starting a new job with a really weird interview.

But she has a plan to right the ship and sail into more friendly waters (why did I go for a boating metaphor?).

Jess: You know what? Tomorrow night, let's just go out to dinner and then just nail each other. Just pound each other. V-bomb on the P-bomb. (smacks her hands together and makes an explosive sound with hand gesture)
Paul: (confused) I would have the.. P-bomb. Right?

While Jess deals with her sex problems, Nick has hair issues. Specifically, getting his hair cut issues. He doesn't seem to enjoy the small talk portion of the process. When Winston offers up an alternate solution, Nick isn't having any of it either.

Nick: I'm not going to a black barber shop, Winston. I've seen the movies. I know how fast they talk. I don't need to seem any less cool than I already do.

For whatever reason, in the middle of this stressfest for Nick, Jess announces her sexual intentions with her boy slave.

Jess: So, ummm, heads-up, Paul's coming tonight. And, uhhh, I just wanted to tell ya that I'm gonna tap him like a maple tree. I'm gonna be searching for some syrups. I'm gonna be having sex with him.

Meanwhile, over at Schmidt's office job, he has a red-headed nemesis who seems to hate him, wants his job, and is out to destroy everything about him. When she lays out exactly the manner in which she is going to make his life a living hell, our boy is a tad confused.

Schmidt: You like a Bond villain? You just told me your whole plan.

As Cece and Jess shop for bedroom wear, the adorkable one worries she isn't good in bed.

Jess: Everything I know about sex I learned from Spencer or the Clinton impeachment trials.

Jess buys the sluttiest outfit known to man; Nick tries to learn to cut his own hair; and Schmidt gets himself invited to a baby shower to kiss up to the boss.

When Jess comes across some spanky spank German porno, she crams hours of slutty learning into 5 1/2 hours, then asks the guys to teach her more. The guys, being the good roommates they are, put on a 3v1 orgy with Jess as the jam in the middle of their jelly donut.

Alright, I made that last part up but that would have been an awesome episode!

So Jess humorously demonstrates her four moves to the guys and they include the one where you do something, and then the other one... and that thing when you slap your hand, I think. Anyway, as Jess tries to get advice from the guys, the dudes get into a swinging dick match about who is better in bed. Before they can give Jess any proper sex advice, Paul arrives.

At the baby shower, Schmidt and his red-headed nemesis continue to wage a war of terror, with Schmidt gaining the upper hand as he gets bombed-out-drunk with the girls. But just as he is impressing his very pregnant boss, he tosses her fat ass... I clearly meant to say glowing beautiful ass, in the pool. Because that's what we bros do. Just as the party and the audience thinks Schmidt has ruined all that good will, boss lady reveals her excitement and our boy is king again. This is a teachable moment. Throw your preggers boss in the pool. Always.

Back at that apartment, Jess gets down and dirty and strips, to reveal her smokin' bod. She then talks dirty, in an old time 50s movie voice. Poor Paul is confused and puts on his best Jimmy Stewart as Jess plays the spanky game, then barks orders at him as an old woman character as he tries to take off her netting nighty thing. After Jess tosses Paul on the bed and threatens to split him in half, he tries to slow things down. So she chokes him. He escapes, telling her he needs to go home to get some water.

That train-wreck had me literally rolling on the floor laughing.

The episode ends with Nick's new haircut; Schmidt's conquest trying to find the door to get out; and Nick and Winston talking Jess off her figurative sex crime ledge.

Nick: Here's the thing, you gotta stop thinking about it. Just relax and be yourself. You're awesome.
Jess: What do you think, Winston?
Nick: Why are you asking Winston?
Jess: Because, Nick, look at your hair. You really don't look like someone who's good at sex.
Nick: I can't believe you just said that.
Winston: Here's what you do. You're gonna stop worrying about it. Completely.
Jess: Yeah, that's really good.
Nick: That's literally what I just said.
Winston: What're you worried about anyway? Paul doesn't care what you do. I've seen the way that boy looks at you. And he is crazy about you.
Nick: I agree..
Jess: Shhhhh! I'm trying to listen to Winston.

Of course, no surprise to anyone but people who have never watched television before, Paul shows up to tell Jess he likes her and that he isn't as experienced and then she confesses that she isn't either and they live happily ever after or until something happens in a few episodes to split them up since you can't allow Jess to have a lasting relationship on this show until at least season 9. Sorry if that is a spoiler.

If I had to rate this episode, I would give it:

88 out of 100.

I enjoyed it. I didn't have any problem with it. I laughed. I thought Jess was hot and adorkable and dangerous. What more does a man need?

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