CHUCK Vs. the Bearded Bandit - 5.02: Kung Fu Chaos

The 80th new showing of a CHUCK episode was achieved tonight and you want to know what I thought of it. Why else would you be here?

First, let me just say that reaching 80 episodes is impressive for any show. It is especially impressive for a show that was nearly cancelled after 13, then 35, then 54, then 78 episodes. So, congratulations to everyone involved. And by everyone involved I mean the people who make the show and those who negotiated for the show's return. Not the delusional fans who think they saved it via the Internet.

Now, onto the review!

The episode opens up with Chuck, Sarah, and Casey doing a presentation at some spy conference, for Carmichael Industries. It doesn't go well. Then the competition shows up and looks like a bunch of super duper kick-ass spies! The leader of the group is Neo's girlfriend, Gertrude. She is also a former antagonist of Casey's.

Chuck: Go ahead, who is she?
Casey: One of the KGB's most ruthless spies, 'til the fall of the Soviet Union (spits). Then she went into the private security game.
Sarah: And how do you know her?
Casey: Minsk, 1995. I was being a patriot. She was being whatever she was paid to be.
Chuck: (amused) Wow, 1995. I was still in middle school. (realizes Casey is not amused)
Casey: Anyway, we had an altercation. I ended up with a Roswell blade in my shoulder. It made a nasty scar right over one of my favorite scars.

Meanwhile the Buy More, the only real source of income for Carmichael Industries, is down to tumbleweeds, literally, and Morgan just wants to out his super powers to the world like Troy would on COMMUNITY were he Superman. Suddenly, because this happens all the time in the realzies world, some dude named Karl walks into the BM and Morgan flashes, err, zooms on him. Fearing he is coming to kill them, Morgan attacks like a psychotic ninja and knocks the dude out. Soon after, they realize the "bad guy" is a client. Dundundun!

When the client produces a box as evidence of a kidnapping, no one seems eager to open it.
Chuck: We gonna draw straws to see who opens it?
Sarah finally does and reveals a severed finger.
Sarah: Oh!
Chuck: Oh my god. Oh my g.. that's not even on ice. I don't, that's probably not going to be able to be reattached.

The mission: Karl's brother was kidnapped, finger cut off to prove it, and the team must save him.
The value: $200,000 up front, and another $200,000 upon delivery of said brother.
The problem: Morgan is a loose cannon and needs a handler.
The solution: Chuck, the former Intersect, becomes Morgan's handler.

While Chuck and Morgan are having their discussion about the whole handler issue, Big Mike barges in, having just arrived from his honeymoon.
Big Mike: (pointing at Morgan) Hello, stepchild! Like my new threads? I just got back from four weeks of sexual experimentation (Morgan recoils in horror) and snorkeling with my new wife in Hawaii. Whatcha boys been up to? The Buy More seems.. empty. We observing International Pancake Day?

Secondary mission: The Buy More needs to increase business.
The solution: Record a new commercial.

Meanwhile, Verbanski Corp thumbs its nose at Carmichael Industries, pissing off Sarah.

Gertrude calls Sarah and asks her to meet with her. Upon arrival, Sarah is offered a job along with an explanation of the massiveness of the competition. Sarah acts unimpressed.
Gertrude: And what does Carmichael Industries have other than a former colonel and a CEO with skinny arms?

As their conversation ends and Sarah leaves, she pauses, looks at Gertrude's collected trophies and makes a declaration.
Sarah: Oh, by the way, when this whole thing ends, don't expect me to mount anything of yours in my office. It's just tacky.

Meanwhile take two, Chuck and Morgan just happen to be inside a convenience store while it is getting robbed. Holy chances of that happening, Batman! Morgan goes all bearded-bandit crazy, with mask, gruff voice, badass attitude and all.

When Morgan's attempt to disarm the bad guy is only partly successful, Chuck has to save the day. I had to rewind this sequence, if only for the hilarity of Chuck trying to rub the fingerprints off the shotgun. Actually, I really liked this sequence and for the first time liked Morgan as the enthusiastic Intersect trying to be handled by Chuck (that's what she said?).

When the convenience store issue becomes public, the team decides Morgan has to be put on the bench for a bit. Morgan isn't happy about it but Chuck emphasizes his need to protect him. I am a sucker for these type of scenes. It is part of why I fell in love with the show. The shift from hilarious comedy, to family drama, back to comedy, and then action. I'm in love!

Meanwhile triple time, the BM crew tries to create a commercial for the store but things just aren't going well.... until Captain Awesome walks in, exaggerated slow motion hair blast and all. And Big Mike has an idea!

Meanwhile part four, Carmichael Industries climb the side of a mountain or something to get into the compound of the bad guys. Hey, why am I typing all this stuff? You watched the episode right? I mean, why would you be reading a review for an episode you DIDN'T watch?

To sum up: Morgan is pissy about being in the van. Decides not to stay in the van. Saves the day. I am shocked yet again to actually enjoy Morgan as the Intersect in this sequence. By not showing him try to kick the asses of half a dozen trained security guards, and by injecting some humor into it, the whole thing works. I am getting worried. Am I starting to like Morgan as the Intersect? OH NO!

The team discovers Karl wants to kill his brother. They decide to turn the tables on him and protect the finger-missing bro. Casey and the Intersect clash.

Captain Awesome gets a job offer from Big Mike to do a commercial for the store (I thought Chuck was the secret owner of the BM, so why does Big Mike know?).

Captain Awesome: Sure I did some modeling for Abercrombie & Fitch back in college, but I hung up those cargo pants a long time ago.
Big Mike: Hold on, son! I'm not talking about doing some teenage porno here!

Morgan and Chuck discuss who is handling what or whom. Then Morgan makes an executive decision to take on the bad guys with Chuck. Chuck tries to reason with him, explaining he understands how the Intersect makes you feel like you can do anything.

Morgan: Here's the thing though, Chuck. You don't need the Intersect to feel that way, OK? With or without it, you are a hero! So don't call them! Alright? We can handle this, together. Just come with me. I need you.

Before going to their doom, Chuck calls on Sarah and Casey to help.

Yep, I am a sucker all over again because I love this stuff.

AND THEN THEY HAVE MORGAN FIGHT without any cute tricks and I am right back to the first episode where he looked RIDICULOUS! Arrghhh! There is that stuntman that looks nothing like Josh Gomez again. Yay!

Meanwhile five, we find out Casey and Gertrude have had sexy time before. Also, Chuck and Morgan get to kick ass together. It is actually fun watching Chuck kick ass WITHOUT the Intersect.

But when Morgan takes out a bad guy using an iconic Indiana Jones move, and Chuck calls attention to it, Morgan doesn't seem to have any clue what he is talking about... RUH ROH! Something is wrong! And after an argument, they get captured (obviously, why else would Casey and Sarah be on the way?).

But who saves the day? The Verbanski Corp! Yay! I am digging this Gertrude chick.

Gertrude: You know, some might say it's tacky hiring your competition to help you, but I, I think it takes balls. Oh and I'll have someone from our Burbank office drop off your bill. We don't have a payment plan.

Meanwhile sexy, Captain Awesome has delivered a superb performance for the Buy More commercial. But Carmichael Industries is still hurting financially.

Meanwhile seven, Chuck and Morgan have a classic end-of-episode CHUCK talk about the future of Morgan as the Intersect. But something else is wrong... he doesn't seem to care about Star Wars!

FINAL MEANWHILE, Chuck is actually exercising! Chuck and Sarah share a lame kiss. Casey works up the nerve to ask Gertrude out. Morgan sells himself as the Intersect to Verbanski... TRAITOR!!!!

Other quotables!

Chuck tells his brother-in-law that the presentation didn't go well.
Captain Awesome: What do you mean it didn't go well?! Did you give equal eye contact to all four quadrants of the audience?!
Chuck: It was, it was great. All of your advice was great.
Captain Awesome: Of course it was. It was the same tactics I used to woo your hot sister.

After Morgan ninja knocks out the client.
Morgan: Someone just found out that the zoom is mightier than the sword, my friend!

While trying to shoot the Buy More commercial, Lester attempts to sing.
Big Mike: Man, I am so over this whole Jeffster thing.
Lester: Me too.

When Morgan is relegated to the van while on a mission, he isn't happy and has a private conversation with himself about it, mockingly speaking for the others.
Morgan: Wait in the van, Morgan. Yeah, wait in the van. Oh, oh in the van, moron! Huh! Grunt, grunt!

Casey explains his attraction to Gertrude.
Casey: You ever have sex with someone who just tried to kill ya?
Sarah: (whispering) Oh god.
Casey: It's incredible.
Sarah: OK, I think we should focus on the mission now.

If I had to rate this episode, I would have to give it:

92 out of 100.

While some people are already whining like little babies about how annoying Morgan was (and he certainly was), I felt it served the story well and set up the next episode perfectly. Something is going on with the bearded guy and it isn't just his usual idiocy. The production values were very good, again, and we got a decent amount of Buy More with a dash of Captain Awesome. Also, the introduction of Gertrude was handled and performed well. I am excited to see where they take her character (it is always nice to see a real actor play the antagonist female role).  It loses a point for the creators of the show not realizing how ridiculous it looks every time Morgan's action sequence is performed by Josh's stuntman.

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COMMUNITY 3.06: Advanced Gay

Following two straight epic episodes full of epic awesomeness (I feel like I just violated a rule of good writing) the COMMUNITY writers decided that milking it for one episode while high as kites from basking in the glowing glory of genius wasn't in the cards. Instead, they delivered another messed up episode full of... I PROMISE I AM NOT GOING TO SAY EPIC AGAIN.... ahh shit, epic! I couldn't help it. I'm not a trained writer.

Alright, so the truth is that this episode isn't epic. Yeah, I lied before when I said it was. That's what's so awesome about not being a real journalist. I can just say whatever I want, however I want to say it. I can even. Write fragmented sentences. No one can touch me!

Where was I?

This episode gives us a nutty Pierce story, with a Troy side story... or is it the other way around? Pierce owns Hawthorn Wipes, a company and product that the gay community loves. His dad arrives and is shockingly revealed to be a racist. Jeff kills him while giving a speech about being a dad, and gets the old man's wig as a reward. Troy has a natural gift for turning a wrench and fixing air conditioners. He is offered the job of a lifetime, literally, and turns it down because he just wants to watch TV with Abed. The episode ends with a quasi homage to DOCTOR WHO. And I'm already bored writing this and that means we go to QUOTABLES!

After a couple of gay gentlemen ask Pierce for his autograph, Jeff is puzzled.
Jeff: What was that about?
Pierce: Fans of the product, I suppose. In the wipes business we call them 'towel heads.'

When the gang finds a video online of a cross-gender musician singing about Hawthorn Wipes, Annie is excited.
Annie: Oh my god, Pierce! Your moist towelettes are a gay icon!

Pierce is deeply offended by the video.
Pierce: That is copyright infringement and defamation! I'm gonna sue the pants of that lady!
Annie: I don't think that's a lady.
Troy: And why do you want his pants off?
Pierce: Shut up! I only wanted his pants off when I thought he was a lady.
Jeff: So you were attracted to him.
Pierce: The only thing I'm attracted to is taking him to court and eating his ass alive!
Group: Oooooh!
Pierce: That's not what I meant! Stop putting gay things in my mouth!

The gang is worried about Pierce's reaction to his product becoming a gay icon.
Annie: I hope Pierce doesn't really sue that lady man singer. His life must be hard enough having to sew pouches in all his mini-skirts.
Shirley: Yes, I'm always nice to the gays. They may live in defiance of God, but I'd die before I let a woman touch my hair.

Surprisingly, Pierce arrives having embraced the new gay popularity and announces his company will launch a new product line.
Pierce: Hawthorn Pride Wipes! They may cost more but they're gayer. I'm gonna launch these little babies at a big party here at Greendale. Here's a flyer.
Shirley: (looking at the flyer) Oooh! Greendale's first annual... gay bash.
Britta: Wow, Pierce, congratulations on meeting the minimum requirements for open mindedness.
Annie: Yeah! I'm really proud of you. You're growing as a person!
Jeff: Oh, good grief! He's not supporting gay people, they're supporting him! If Mexicans were buying his wipes he would have ridden in on a donkey.
Pierce: People earning respect with money is the American way, Jeff. Not that my father would have agreed. It took a federal injunction to sell these things to the Italians.

Troy and some others are kidnapped and brought to Vice Dean Laybourne for a secret meeting at the air conditioning repair school. Laybourne explains.
Vice Dean Laybourne: But why kidnap you? Why put a sack over your head and drag you here in the middle of the night? Why is there an astronaut in the corner making paninis? Simple. We don't want you to tell anyone about this. And if you do, we don't want them believing you, isn't that right black Hitler? (black Hitler acknowledges with a wave)

When Troy is nowhere to be found, the group is worried.
Shirley: Oh no, do you think he's been kidnapped? Usually it's one of the parents and almost always ends in a murder suicide.
Annie: Why are you smiling?!

Pierce arrives with his father, Cornelius, and introduces him to the group.
Cornelius: These are you friends, Pierce? Minorities? Jewesses? And the unseasonably tanned?
Britta: That is inappropriate! And maybe you'll give that more weight since I'm whiiiiiite!
Cornelius: You've got a wide brow. What are you? Scandinavian?
Britta: Yeah! Swedish!
Cornelius: (spitting on the ground) Swedish dogs! Your blood is tainted by generations of race mixing with Laplanders! You're basically Finns!
Shirley: Oh my goodness. He's like the Abed of racism.

Jeff inquires about the wig on Cornelius' head. He tells them it is made from ivory.
Britta: I can excuse racism, but I draw the line at animal cruelty!
Shirley: You can excuse racism?

Jeff holds the party that Pierce's dad cancelled. Troy arrives from his adventure and Abed greets him.
Abed: Hey, where'v you been?
Troy: I'm not allowed to say.
Abed: Are you Superman?
Troy: No.
Abed: Would you tell me if you were?
Troy: I'd tell everyone. I never understood why he cared who knew.

Jeff feels bad about his actions.
Jeff: Pierce, I just wanna say, you know. Sorry for killing your dad.
Pierce: Don't blame yourself. He bought a lot of his organs from questionable sources.

Pierce gives his father's eulogy.
Pierce: Father, I'll never forget what you said to me on my first day of school. 'Comb your hair, you idiot. You look Greek.' I'll never know if that was true but I do know that I was too scared to stand up for myself. Well, I'm not scared of you anymore because you're dead and I'm not. So, I win. And you can suck it.

If I had to rate this episode, I would give it:

86.3 out of 100.

Following a couple of great episodes, this one doesn't measure up as well, but still has fun moments. Figure this is more of a setup episode anyway for Troy and the Vice Dean's future interactions.

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EXCLUSIVE: 21 Jump Street - Red Band Trailer

OMFG! You won't find this anywhere else but here! Provided that this is the first place you looked.

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NEW GIRL 1.04: Show And Tell

I cannot tell a lie, I LOVE this little show on FOX called NEW GIRL. I fell in love with it when I saw the pilot episode, and even when they replaced "Coach" (whyyyy!??!?!) with a guy not as interesting in episode 2, I still loved the show (but in slight protest).

But why haven't I written about it outside of my initial impression of the pilot? Well, because I was sooooo in love with the main character that I just done forgot, damn! But here is my first real write-up of an episode of... NEW GIRL.

As usual, I don't do episode recaps like normal people, so here we go.

In this episode Jess accidentally sees Jeff's wang and laughs like a freakish alien-bird. This messes Nick up so much that when he tries to nail some hottie, he can't even take his clothes off. He is that mortified by the experience. Meanwhile, Schmidt realizes he is the only one who hasn't seen Nick's gigantic schlong and so he goes on a mission to put it in his mouth. Or, something. Butt maybe? I don't know.

And I am already bored so let's get to some of my favorite quotable moments:

After walking in on "the dudes" watching a scary movie and depositing herself on the couch with them, Jess has a brilliant idea.
Jess: You know what we should watch? Have you guys ever seen FAME? It's about a group of dreamers with talent to spare, taking New York City by storm, one dance number at a time.

Nick talks to Schmidt about the girl, Amanda, he is going out on a date with, who has this strange way of approaching discussions with him.
Nick: Sometimes she is so ironic, that I think she is being serious.

Jess walks in on the conversation and tries to help with advice.
Jess: You've a date? Fun! I wanna talk to you guys about this stuff.
Schmidt: With Amanda.
Nick: Schmidt!
Jess: Amanda? From the bar? Woah! She's a looker. Hotchee muchee.
Nick: Yeah, I know how hot she is, Jess.
Jess: Have you been out with anyone since Caroline?
Nick: No.
Jess: Woah! Big deal alert! Scary stuff, kids. Yeesh! Falling rocks. Bridge out. Duck!
Nick: This is why I don't talk to you, Jess.
Schmidt: Nick, you're going to be fine. Don't worry about it. Just, you know, suck in the gut.
Nick: What gut?
Jess: (pointing at Nick's stomach) The little pooch where you keep your extra cookies.

After Jess walks in on Nick dancing with his massive member flinging out into the open air, she tries to explain to the other roommates what happened.
Jess: Something's happened. It was totally an accident. Not a big deal. I just wanna do the mature thing and come clean about it. But, ummmm... I accidentally saw Nick's peepee.
Schmidt: What?!
Winston: What did she say?!
Jess: I accidentally saw Nick's peepee and his bubbles.

Nick leaves the apartment after Jess' failed attempt at talking to him about what happened. She is distraught but Winston tries to dismiss it.
Winston: It's not a big deal. I've seen Nick's stuff like a million times.
Schmidt: You have? I mean, how?
Winston: We grew up together. Locker rooms, swimming pools, penis fights, it just happens.
Schmidt: Why haven't I seen it?
Winston: Why do you wanna see it?
Schmidt: He's my best friend.
Winston: Again, why do you wanna see it?
Schmidt: What if Nick gets into an accident? What if he is horribly disfigured and I have to identify him and all that remains are his private parts. And I'm standing there and I'm saying 'Sorry, officer, I can't help you because no, I haven't seen his penis' and then boom, he's buried in an unmarked grave.

Jess explains that when she walked in on Nick and saw his throbbing monster, she laughed.
Schmidt: Jess, you can't laugh at a naked man. Especially Nick. Nick is delicate. Like a flower. Like a chubby, damaged flower who hates himself.

Jess tries to talk to Nick about the issue the following day but he just runs away from her. Eventually she is able to corner him in the elevator.
Nick: You ruined my date! Every time I tried to take my clothes off, Jess, I heard your little 'HAHAH!' your little crazy giggle scream. And all I wanna do is have meaningless sex with a beautiful woman who, yes, talks in mind bending riddles, but I can't! Because I can't get your little 'AHHHHH!' out of my head!

After Nick escapes Jess, he tries to use the urination apparatus when Schmidt suddenly pops up above him, trying to get a gander at his master blaster.
Schmidt: I'm the only one who hasn't seen it.
Nick: What?!
Schmidt: Just the gun.
Nick: No!
Schmidt: Just the roses.
Nick: What?!
Schmidt: Just the hub. Where it connects.
Nick: Get out!
Schmidt: Fine! I thought we were best friends.
Nick: We are.
Schmidt: Apparently not.
Nick: Best friends don't do this, Schmidt.
Schmidt: They do it all the time!

So what did you think? Is this the greatest show ever, or are you in Alan Sepinwall's camp of dead-inside homicidal sociopaths who don't love adorkable stuff?

If I had to rate it, with the last episode still fresh in my mind even though it was a month ago, I would give this episode a solid:

90 out of 100.

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