20 July, 2011

CHUCK Season 5: Make it Geek Pr0n


Writer: Head Geek Furious

WARNING: This article is most certainly not safe for unsophisticated kids.

Let's not beat around the bush any longer. CHUCK (the lovely show on NBC and the #4 show on the Geek Furious best of all time list) is not a family show. Despite what some fans suggest and what people who work on the show may restate over and over, Nielsen data totally contradicts this idea. In truth, not even 10% of the total viewers of the show are not old enough to have experienced the ton of fun that is puberty.

Wait, not even 5% are old enough to have experienced the joy of shaving! What does that tell us? That a vast majority of the CHUCK viewers are adults who do not watch the show with their kids (yes, I know YOU do but that means you represent the 4% or whatever it is). So let's dispense with the "this is a family show" crap and go right for the jugular.

I am pleading with the CHUCK show runners to make this show what it should have always been. Total, unadulterated GEEK porn!  Well, as much as one can do on network TV.

Now that I have your attention, this is what I mean:
  • Morgan has to break up with Alex, or she has to break up with him.  This way Morgan can get super hot sex action in every episode.  You could even make it so she sticks around to judge him for his slutty ways.
  • Sarah (#1 top 10 hot in geek) has to feel unclean in every episode and have to take a shower or bath or just relax in a hot tub or something.  What is the point of having a hot chick on a show if she never showers?  Seems like a no-brainer.
  • Casey must get a girlfriend and she should be the smokingest hottest sluttiest slut ever.  She should be all over him all the time trying to get her freak on because she finds him irresistibly hawt.  Casey should be horrified by this but be unable to stop her because he is a male and we are powerless against super hot chicks who are sluts.  Oh and without a doubt this chick needs to have some very safe and boring job like ninja librarian, kung fu secretary, or an 89D (explosive ordnance disposal specialist).
  • Ellie should be in heat the entire season and need to claw at and violate her husband's autonomy whenever he is around.  
  • Captain Awesome should be perpetually shirtless (I'm looking out for the lady geeks).
  • Sarah should demand the Buy More staff more ladies.  Due to the fact that the main crew is on a mission, Jeff and Lester are put in charge and hire strippers.  Yes, this has kind of been done (with super models) but this time the strippers stick around for the whole season.  They try really hard to do their jobs but find that keeping their clothes off is a very difficult thing to do.  Sarah is not happy about this but the stripper girl squad ends up being so successful at selling, and the team is so in need of money after losing about a billion of it in a lawsuit, that she begrudgingly keeps them on.
  • Cole must return and walk around in a towel for an episode.  Also, he should sex up at least 5 of the Buy More stripper chicas (hablo espaƱol?).
  • Alex, in a jealous rage after finding out that Morgan is banging hard bodied skanks, should hook up with her father's agent and military buddies.  Then go find a homeless guy and kill him to get the darkness out of her system.  Let's face it, sex with multiple partners only goes so far in suppressing the demons.
  • Chuck and Sarah have to end up at one of those sex parties Sarah talked about in season 4.  This time she isn't kidding and they are both hopped up on some kind of super slut drug that drives people into wild orgies.
  • Anna Wu must return.  She was a freak so I don't need to paint a picture of the potential.
  • Hannah should return to join the nerd herd crew again.  She and Anna could fight for Morgan's attention.  Eventually they would end up in a hot lesbo scene.
  • The show needs to have more wet t-shirt contests in the BM.  What is that?  They have never had wet t-shirt contests on the show?  BINGO.  No wonder the ratings are low.
  • Two words: suicide girls.  It's not a new teenage fad.  It's inky and pasty.  OK, so that is kind of a new teenage fad but minus the vampires, and men between the ages of 18-34 really seem to dig it.
  • Have Chuck get wet more often (I am looking out for the geek ladies again) and assaulted by smokin' short-skirt wearing, big jubs owning girlies who want his geek hotness.
If anyone else has any geek porn ideas for the final season, toss them in here.  You know the writers will read it.

The 13 episodes of season 5, beginning October 21st as first reported here a month before NBC confirmed it, will be the last for the show.

48 comments:

  1. You know I never understood the whole family show thing. I heard people talk about it for years but didnt know anyone but my guy friends who watched the show. The show was best in season 2 when Sarah was unattainable and hot. I know they cant make her that again without making the show stupid but more family oriented shows have more sex than Chuck.

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  2. The powers that be need to read this and do it!

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  3. "more family oriented shows have more sex than Chuck"

    Which is why it doesn't make sense why this show seems so terrified to elevate the sex or sexy on the show. Even when they do deliver it on some level, it is consistently cut down as if they were aiming for respect or something ludicrous like that.

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  4. Last year had fun eps but overall the worst season. I don't know if adding sex would've helped but ratings would definitely improved and maybe we wouldn't be talking final 13 episodes.

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  5. Love how much you looked out for the lady geeks in this post! I would take Awesome and Cole shirtless or wet Chuck any day!

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  6. I am always lookin' out for the ladies... and some of the lads too. :)

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  7. Best ting Ive ever read!!!

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  8. WET CHUUUUUUUUUUCK!

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  9. If the showrunners had any sense, they would print this list out and add it to the show bible.

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  10. People still watch this? I got bored halfway in s4. Sex may have kept me tuned in through the shit writing but doubt it.

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  11. Yes, a few million people still watch this, asshat!

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  12. Maybe Fedak and Schwartz cut the sexy sex as payback because some idiot (AKA BOYCOTT BOY) thought it would be great to get all the fans to stop watching CHUCK if Chuck and Sarah were not put together immediatly! Nutjob! Be careful what you wish for!

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  13. and the last anonymous post proves that boycott boy is in good company!

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  14. Although it would be very funny (if Fedak and Schwartz are purposly cutting the sexy scenes as some sort of payback, lol) I have to agree with the author. Enough is enough guys, bring back the sexyness, if it is being shot then just put it in there, lol. Even I am now feeling sorry for the poor folk who live vicariously through Chuck or Sarah and feel unfulfilled, lol.

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  15. I doubt very much that the lack of sexy sex is show runner payback. But those who threatened to quit the show if Chuck and Sarah weren't put together quicker etc, well... good riddance if they actually quit.

    I doubt very much that they actually quit. The people who tend to quit shows don't talk about it. They just quit and go away.

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  16. Mike brings up a good point! A lot of girl fans are really pining for chuck since the middle of season 3, lol. Even Chris Hardwick and his sidekick noticed that Zac's looks have seriously improved over the series, lol. I would say yes even before he finished the sentence, hehe.

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  17. If this happened, I would stop watching the show, and never support it again. Have some decency and respect. It's scumbags like you who make women and girls feel like they have to be skinny sluts in order to be someone. You're disgusting.

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  18. I think part of the charm of the earlier seasons was that Chuck didn't look so good looking all the time. But when he cleaned up, you could see that there was a good looking guy underneath all that geek and nerd.

    The problem with seasons 3 and 4, on that level, is that as Chuck became a more capable spy, he lost a lot of that geek cuteness and went right into good looking spy guy. They did start to pull it back a bit toward the end of season 4, giving us more geek references and reminding us that Chuck and Morgan are geeks at the core, but I don't think Chuck or Zac can ever go back to that seasons 1 and 2 feel with the character.

    So, the writers should go all out and give the ladies BEEFCAKE CHUCK!

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  19. "It's scumbags like you who make women and girls feel like they have to be skinny sluts in order to be someone. You're disgusting"

    LOL! This is hilarious. Can you please show me where on this show we have had "average" girls demonstrated as anything other than a joke? Such as Awesome's bachelor party. So, it is the show runners who "make women and girls feel like they have to be skinny sluts."

    I am just promoting the notion of utilizing that device to its greatest potential. Don't be so hyperbolic.

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  20. "If this happened, I would stop watching the show, and never support it again. Have some decency and respect. It's scumbags like you who make women and girls feel like they have to be skinny sluts in order to be someone. You're disgusting."

    You are psycho.

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  21. She is really going to hate my "The CHUCK girls are getting fat" article...

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  22. 'She is really going to hate my "The CHUCK girls are getting fat" article.'
    lol.. Nice

    You do realise you put geek pron instead of porn, right?
    Spelling police. :)

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  23. It is also spelled with a ZERO instead of an "O". It is done on purpose... you should probably look it up. :)

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  24. 1337. I didn't even notice it was a 0. My bad. I just presumed it was a typo, cos you actually typed porn in the article. Woops

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  25. It was named pr0n simply to avoid the porn spammers on Twitter when I linked to the article. :)

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  26. aaaah Fair enough.

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  27. She is really going to hate my "The CHUCK girls are getting fat" article...

    who said i was a girl?

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  28. If you are not a girl then please have a coke and a smile and shut the fuck up.

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  29. "have a coke and a smile and shut the fuck up"

    EDDIE MURPHY RAW!!!!!!

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  30. Damn, that was fast. I figured we were going to have a big blowout over that and then I would dick around for a bit until someone pointed out it is a quote from "Raw" but you ruined it.

    Sigh.

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  31. So weird to see you curse in text, you never did it on the other site. I know you do it all the time on the podcast but took me back to read it in text.

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  32. At least I didn't call anyone a cun... cunning.

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  33. Are they REALLY getting fat???

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  34. Yeah, Sarah Lancaster has gained weight. So sad she has let herself go like that.

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  35. If they would actually use some ideas u had over the years i'm sure they wouldn't be in their last 13 episodes. :)
    For the people who think sexing up a TV show is a outrageous thing... You probably don't watch TV that much :D
    One thing is for sure SEX GETS RATINGS.
    And it's still a enigma to me why the producers stopped the sexiness in the last season.. i mean come on.. if Chuck & Sarah are a couple it means they can't kiss proper anymore ? or they can't have steamy scenes ?

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  36. Right on. Why even hire hot actors if they are not going to play nekkid time?

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  37. More sluts! More sex! No mercy sir!

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  38. One last suggestion for the ladies: can we have the male strippers from Sarah's bachelorette party back? Maybe they could work at the Buy More too? Sales competition/wet t-shirt contest?

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  39. That is disgusting. How dare you suggest such an exploitation of the male body? I am appalled. Shocked. Some other word that means the same thing.

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  40. Chuck should be less self conscious and not wear clothes more often! I always have a giggle when Sarah is barely dressed in bed and chuck is wearing a t shirt , socks and jogging pants. Come on dude!

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  41. Time for another fruit punch shower.

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  42. @HEAD GEEK FURIOUS-As long as the gratuitous sexual objectification is gender equal :)

    @Gina- I've always had a laugh at that too. I was honestly shocked in Last Details when he only had on boxers and a t-shirt, somewhat of an improvement.

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  43. How can you leave out the C.A.T Squad in this post ? Wouldn´t we all love some Corina on Zandra scene ?

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  44. In Final Exam, Fear of Death and Phase Three when he is shirtless he looked in pretty good shape. I saw a movie where he did a strip dance and he looked really, really, really, really, really, really good! How good? REALLY GOOD! So come on Chuck! as Barney Stinson would say, suit down!

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  45. The dance was from weiners and oh my, oh my, oh my, my, my, my! I went weak at the knees! A bronzed god and he was in phenomenal shape too, he looked bigger too. Sarah get chuck into the gym! You are in charge control your man pronto!

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  46. 'Yeah, Sarah Lancaster has gained weight. So sad she has let herself go like that.'

    uhh. thats usually what happens when you have a baby.

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  47. I probably should have tossed Carina in there but she already has lots of slutty scenes. :)

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  48. It's frustrating knowing that they should do a lot of your suggestions, yet I know they just won't.

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