01 February, 2012

NEW GIRL 1.11: 'Jess and Julia'

Our little geeky girl is back with a new episode and I'm here to review it! Aren't you excited?

So Nick and Julia (that's apparently the name of the girl he's dating) are totally doing it nightly now as she wakes up in his bed. And they must be pretty serious because she is even brushing her teeth in the apartment's bathroom with Jess, not even trying to hide the fact that she's there (I don't know what that's like since all my victims arrive late at night and leave early in the morning before the sun comes out).

As Julia brushes her teeth and Jess brushes her hair, Schmidt dramatically exits the shower.

Schmidt: Damn towel! Damn!
Jess: Here we go.
Schmidt: It's like a really big wetnap. [he exits the shower] I feel like I'm being licked by a golden retriever.

Schmidt is not happy about there being two girls in the bathroom since it clashes with his feminine products, or something, or it creates damp towels.

Julia: Sorry, so what are your thoughts on damp towels?
Schmidt: Oh, you better watch it, Nick's overnight guest.


Julia escapes the uncomfortable situation as Nick enters the bathroom. This is when he discovers that Jess is going to get Julia, a lawyer, to help her get out of a traffic ticket, and Winston realizes he needs to get laid so he calls up the last girl he banged in the states, Shelby.

Winston has drinks with Shelby but things don't go as well as he expected. After talking about himself, he drops the bomb.

Winston: So, ummm, your place or mine?
Shelby: [laughs, a lot]
Winston: [nervously laughs back] What are we laughing at?
Shelby: How much I'm not going home with you tonight. [laughs] You show up after two years, out of the blue, and all you do is talk about yourself. You don't even let me get a word in edgewise.
Winston: But why did you agree to let me take you out for drinks?
Shelby: Winston, you took me out for a drink at the place where I work! Here's your bill. Thanks for the water.

Back at the apartment, the girls meet to discuss Jess' ticket but somehow get into a weird and uncomfortable discussion about how Jess behaves and what it's like to live with the guys. Nick arrives just in time to take the pressure off Julia but not before making it obvious that she has a problem with Jess.

Jess' friends come over to discuss the Julia problem. When Nick walks in on the cauldron, he is met with a feisty Cece.

Cece: Nick, where is this bitch? I'm gonna smack that lawyer learning right out of her mouth.

Nick doesn't understand why the girls are so hostile toward his sex-bot. They try to explain the subtleties of female war of words but it falls on dumb male ears. Nick defends his knobjobber and tells the girls that she doesn't deal in subtext or other girly passive aggressive habits. Jess jabs back.

Jess: Oh, okay. So did she come right out and ask you if you were seeing other girls? Because [pause] she asked me.

Nick is surprised and the girls clue him in on how girls talk, even lesbians. Schmidt rushes into the room upon hearing the word "lesbians." Then finds out that the lesbian chick, whatever her name is, used to date a girl who looks like Nick. It's all kinds of sexy like that.

Out at the bar, the gang discusses Winston's lack of game and Nick's ability to get girls despite being desperately average. When Julia arrives her and Nick discuss the "other people" situation. Unfortunately, most likely due to fears of revealing their vulnerability, both of them lie to the other that they are seeing other people and pretend that it is totally cool with the other.

Nick: I'm having sex all the time. I'm like a mailman. Except instead of mail, it's hot sex that I deliver.
Julia: I've had to start carrying like athletic shoes in my purse, 'cause I have to sprint from one sexual encounter to another. Can't wear heels.
Nick: Well, I'm having sex right now. Under the bar. And she's on top. So figure that out.

Julia escapes to the bathroom, followed by Jess. The two argue. Julia expresses a fear that her stuffiness will eventually drive Nick into Jess' goofy arms. The two start to get emotional and Julia demands Jess leave because she doesn't want to cry in front of her. Jess, also in need of crying, runs into the men's bathroom where she finds Nick's face decorated with dudears (that's "dude" plus "tears"... it's crafty and shit).

Man, what a downer!

Winston goes back to the diner where Shelby works to try to make amends and have an actual conversation with her. He gets all adult conversationy with her. I still don't know why Winston is on this show. is he like the token black guy? If so, bring back Coach! Yeah, I know, he's on another show. Just like... kidnap him. That's still legal in California, right?

Anyway, so Jess and Julia end up in traffic court together, since Julia had said she would help her out. Jess makes it easy on both of them by blurting out a "guilty" though probably not on purpose. Outside of the courtroom, the two discuss their antagonistic relationship. Jess defends her uniqueness.

Jess: I break for birds. I rock a lot of polka dots. I have touched glitter in the last 24 hours. I spend my entire day talking to children. And I find it fundamentally strange that you're not a dessert person! That's just weird and it freaks me out. And I'm sorry I don't talk like Murphy Brown and I hate your pantsuit! I wish it had ribbons on it, or something to make it just slightly cuter. And that doesn't mean I'm not smart, and tough, and strong!
Julia: Okay.
Jess: And I know you like Nick. And I'm not trying to interfere, but you should just talk to him about it.
Julia: Are you done?
Jess: I am almost done. I'm about to go and pay this $800 fine and my checks have baby farm animals on them, bitch! [walks away]
Julia: Wrong way.

In the next scene the dude who is not Coach walks Shelby home. They seem to have had a nice day together. He suggest they go out on a real date. She tells him to call her. As she walks away he starts to do some freakish alien dance. She notices. He realizes he has a lot of work to do... getting Coach back.

At the apartment, Schmidt is showering again and can't find a large enough towel for his man parts. He shimmies through the apartment where Jess and her Cat Squad are hanging out. When he trips and exposes himself, the girls get a full view of his special happy place. Their reactions stir the tiny anger within to expose itself and he complains about how the increase in women in the apartment hasn't improved his sex life any but made everything more damp. Jess suggest something that I don't understand because I am a man and I don't understand woman talk!

Julia makes a surprise appearance at the apartment to talk to Jess. When she realizes the Cat Squad is in full meowing, she tries to leave but Jess wrangles her in with sewing. What woman could resist? The ladies then have their bonding moments together over girl school talk and baby bonnets.

When Nick arrives, Julia drags him into his room to have sex with him, or talk. I thought it was going to be sex but then I'm a dude. Have I not made this clear yet?! Why would you expect me to think anything else was going to happen?

Oh yeah, so Julia wants to be exclusive. Nick wants the same.

Julia: So what does that mean? You're my boyyyyyyfriend now?

She's kind of adorkable. Let's keep her.

In the bathroom, Schmidt finds his towel damp again and freaks out. Nick tells him that's because it's the towel he uses. Schmidt realizes he's been using the wrong towel. I really miss HITCHHIKER'S GUIDE TO THE GALAXY right about now.

Winston: This means you two have been drying your junk with the same towel.

And finally Winston has a purpose.

The episode ends on a pretty funny exchange that I will leave up to you to discover on your own.

If I had to rate this episode, I'd give it:

90 out of 100

A very enjoyable episode with some memorable dialogue and adorkableness.


  1. If I had stopped anywhere before "She's kind of adorkable" I would have sworn you hated this show. Nothing in this review (like most of the ads) makes me want to watch this show. What did you like that you gave it a 90 out of 100?

    1. You should see someone about that perception deficiency problem.

  2. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

    1. I appreciate all the wonderful things you said but... you promoted your company's shit. And if I'm not going to get PAID, because I don't run ads on this site, I'm certainly not giving out free promotion unless I use the service.

  3. Thanks for the review! I really liked this episode, but then again I was terrified going in after I saw a promo for it the night before during Alcatraz. I really thought a chick-centric episode w/ZD was going to be impossible for me to watch. But speaking as a woman I actually think they nailed the interactions and the whole "how girls fight" thing in a shockingly not-over-the-top-Mean-Girls kind of way. I applaud them having the chops to make fun of their own leading lady's attitudes about life. Also hoping Lizzy Caplan's character sticks around for a while. It was also full of quotables!:

    Julia: “Your whole thing—with the cupcakes and the braking for birds and ‘Bluebirds come and help me dress in the morning.’”

    1. I probably should have included that in the quote.

  4. I liked that Schmidt uses sculpting chut-e-ney on his hair.

    1. I was going to quote that but had no clue what the shit he was saying.