Woah. Zooey is hot. I never knew this until tonight. She is a major hottie babe. She is sexy like a meow meow. I want to do some hotchie mutchie in her most totally inappropriate...... I mean the CHARACTER not the actor, of course. I mean Jess.
Alright, let's just get to the recap.
Jess bangs her new boyfriend and things just don't go well.
Jess: I just haven't had sex with anyone but Spencer in six years and I get so nervous. It's like starting a new job with a really weird interview.
But she has a plan to right the ship and sail into more friendly waters (why did I go for a boating metaphor?).
Jess: You know what? Tomorrow night, let's just go out to dinner and then just nail each other. Just pound each other. V-bomb on the P-bomb. (smacks her hands together and makes an explosive sound with hand gesture)
Paul: (confused) I would have the.. P-bomb. Right?
While Jess deals with her sex problems, Nick has hair issues. Specifically, getting his hair cut issues. He doesn't seem to enjoy the small talk portion of the process. When Winston offers up an alternate solution, Nick isn't having any of it either.
Nick: I'm not going to a black barber shop, Winston. I've seen the movies. I know how fast they talk. I don't need to seem any less cool than I already do.
For whatever reason, in the middle of this stressfest for Nick, Jess announces her sexual intentions with her boy slave.
Jess: So, ummm, heads-up, Paul's coming tonight. And, uhhh, I just wanted to tell ya that I'm gonna tap him like a maple tree. I'm gonna be searching for some syrups. I'm gonna be having sex with him.
Meanwhile, over at Schmidt's office job, he has a red-headed nemesis who seems to hate him, wants his job, and is out to destroy everything about him. When she lays out exactly the manner in which she is going to make his life a living hell, our boy is a tad confused.
Schmidt: You like a Bond villain? You just told me your whole plan.
As Cece and Jess shop for bedroom wear, the adorkable one worries she isn't good in bed.
Jess: Everything I know about sex I learned from Spencer or the Clinton impeachment trials.
Jess buys the sluttiest outfit known to man; Nick tries to learn to cut his own hair; and Schmidt gets himself invited to a baby shower to kiss up to the boss.
When Jess comes across some spanky spank German porno, she crams hours of slutty learning into 5 1/2 hours, then asks the guys to teach her more. The guys, being the good roommates they are, put on a 3v1 orgy with Jess as the jam in the middle of their jelly donut.
Alright, I made that last part up but that would have been an awesome episode!
So Jess humorously demonstrates her four moves to the guys and they include the one where you do something, and then the other one... and that thing when you slap your hand, I think. Anyway, as Jess tries to get advice from the guys, the dudes get into a swinging dick match about who is better in bed. Before they can give Jess any proper sex advice, Paul arrives.
At the baby shower, Schmidt and his red-headed nemesis continue to wage a war of terror, with Schmidt gaining the upper hand as he gets bombed-out-drunk with the girls. But just as he is impressing his very pregnant boss, he tosses her fat ass... I clearly meant to say glowing beautiful ass, in the pool. Because that's what we bros do. Just as the party and the audience thinks Schmidt has ruined all that good will, boss lady reveals her excitement and our boy is king again. This is a teachable moment. Throw your preggers boss in the pool. Always.
Back at that apartment, Jess gets down and dirty and strips, to reveal her smokin' bod. She then talks dirty, in an old time 50s movie voice. Poor Paul is confused and puts on his best Jimmy Stewart as Jess plays the spanky game, then barks orders at him as an old woman character as he tries to take off her netting nighty thing. After Jess tosses Paul on the bed and threatens to split him in half, he tries to slow things down. So she chokes him. He escapes, telling her he needs to go home to get some water.
That train-wreck had me literally rolling on the floor laughing.
The episode ends with Nick's new haircut; Schmidt's conquest trying to find the door to get out; and Nick and Winston talking Jess off her figurative sex crime ledge.
Nick: Here's the thing, you gotta stop thinking about it. Just relax and be yourself. You're awesome.
Jess: What do you think, Winston?
Nick: Why are you asking Winston?
Jess: Because, Nick, look at your hair. You really don't look like someone who's good at sex.
Nick: I can't believe you just said that.
Winston: Here's what you do. You're gonna stop worrying about it. Completely.
Jess: Yeah, that's really good.
Nick: That's literally what I just said.
Winston: What're you worried about anyway? Paul doesn't care what you do. I've seen the way that boy looks at you. And he is crazy about you.
Nick: I agree..
Jess: Shhhhh! I'm trying to listen to Winston.
Of course, no surprise to anyone but people who have never watched television before, Paul shows up to tell Jess he likes her and that he isn't as experienced and then she confesses that she isn't either and they live happily ever after or until something happens in a few episodes to split them up since you can't allow Jess to have a lasting relationship on this show until at least season 9. Sorry if that is a spoiler.
If I had to rate this episode, I would give it:
88 out of 100.
I enjoyed it. I didn't have any problem with it. I laughed. I thought Jess was hot and adorkable and dangerous. What more does a man need?