27 January, 2014

Eli's 20 Biggest TV Crushes of All-Time

I could mention my usual caveat that this list will anger some people. And that you're wasting your time complaining about it because it's the most subjective ranking ever and I don't give a rats ass if you think my list is "wrong" or "stupid" or doesn't include someone that you like. Go make your own damn list that no one will read.

But let's not dwell on the negative here, people. This list is a celebration of my favorite TV babes. How can this be a bad thing? Maybe you'll love some of the girls on my list and agree. Or maybe, at the worst, you'll think my list sucks -- but also have an open mind and check out some of these shows so you can feel the love that I feel for these characters and actresses.

Hell, who am I kidding? You guys are going to torch me in the comments section. Go ahead, be dicks.

HONORABLE MENTIONS: Juliet O'Hara (played by Maggie Nelson on 'Psych'), Jennifer (played by Bianca Kajlich on 'Rules of Engagement'), Veronica Mars (played by Kristen Bell on 'Veronica Mars'), Scarlet O'Connor (played by Clare Bowen on 'Nashville'), Amy Santiago (played by Melissa Fumero on 'Brooklyn Nine-Nine'), Paige Arkin (played by Serinda Swan on 'Graceland'), every one on 'Charmed' (played by Shannon Doherty, Holly Marie Combs and Alyssa Milano), Melanie Garcia (played by Odette Annable on 'Breaking In')

20. EVERY FEMALE ON 'SUITS' (played by Meghan Markle, Sarah Rafferty, Vanessa Ray, Abigail Spencer, Amanda Schull and Jacinda Barrett)

You simply have to love USA NETWORK: Good shows and even better looking female characters. Perhaps no show that I've ever watched consistently trotted out more beautiful women than this one. Hell, all six of these characters could practically have made this list. Another great thing is that they aren't just pretty faces, this show really gives the female characters great roles to play.

19. LIZ PARKER (played by Shiri Appleby on 'Roswell')

I was 13-years-old when this show came out, and Liz was one of my first crushes ever. So it wasn't just the alien played by Jason Behr that instantly fell in love with her. Interestingly enough, this isn't the last Shiri Appleby show that will factor into this list. I also got a crazy blast from the past when Shiri appeared topless on 'Girls' last season. God, I hate that show.

18. ANNIE EDDISON (played by Alison Brie on 'Community')

I challenge you not to fall in love with Allison Brie. Seriously, it's impossible. She'd be higher on this list, but I don't particularly love her character nearly as much as I love the actress. It's difficult to know what celebrities are really like, but if she's anything like the persona she portrays in interviews and such -- Alison Brie just might be the coolest girl in Hollywood.

17. KATE BECKETT (played by Stana Katic on 'Castle')

Throughout all the years of 'Castle', Stana has had many different looks and hairstyles, but no matter what they are -- she's always stunning. She's had a lot of great character moments along the way and her chemistry with Nathan Fillion only makes us love her even more.

16. ROBERTA GILARDI (played by Natalia Cigliuti on 'Raising the Bar')

I'm always partial to the underrated and the underappreciated, and I've always felt like Natalia Cigliuti fit those labels. Every time I've seen her on TV (whether it was 'RTB' or 'The Glades'), I've liked her acting and her character. That might be because I'm a creep, but so be it. She's gorgeous.

15. DANA SCULLY (played by Gillian Anderson on 'The X-Files')

When I was just starting High School I wanted to be an FBI Agent. I also wanted to be with Dana Scully. And I'm not really partial to red heads, either. Neither of those dreams came true, but it's still fun to imagine. Gillian Anderson, you rock. I bet a shit-ton of you reading agreed with that selection.

14. SECRETARIES ON BOSTON LEGAL (played by Marisa Coughlan and Jodi Lyn O'Keefe)

These choices are simply me being a creep. Neither characters were on the show for all that long, and they didn't have too many storylines. Despite that, they were given enough screen time for me to have huge crushes on the both of them. The funny thing is that James Spader sexually harassed both of them, so the law firm brought in someone who he wouldn't harass: Betty White!

13. BREANNA BARNES (played by Kyla Pratt on 'One on One')

You likely don't remember this show. For starters, it wasn't particularly good. It ran from 2001-06 on UPN, so you probably didn't see it. The only reason that I did, was because they would show re-runs at ungodly hours when I was in college. I thought she was very cute and sexy, and I was probably drawn to her because she reminded me of my ex-girlfriend in many ways. I think a lot of people had a crush on Kyla back in the day.

12. JENNY (played by Briga Heelan on 'Ground Floor')

The other day I was on Twitter and I saw an exchange between a fantasy baseball writer (Paul Sporer) and a fantasy basketball writer (James Anderson) that I like about their mutual love of Jenny from 'Ground Floor'. I thought it was really cool that two strangers I like also loved Briga Heelan. Then I got jealous. I'm not precisely sure what it is about her, but it took all of two minutes for me to fall in love with her. It's probably a combination of her personality on the show being so amazing and infectious and the fact that she pulls of being cute and sexy at the same time. Where did this perfect girl come from?

Back-off, Paul and James.

11. LINDSAY DOLE (played by Kelli Williams on 'The Practice')

I love watching lawyers on TV and that started with 'The Practice'. That show was a long time ago, so I don't remember much other than I loved the drama on the show and that I was planning on marrying Kelli Williams once I got older. And since that didn't happen, I'd at least settle on being able to re-watch the show but I can't find it anywhere.

10. VIRGINIA JOHNSON (played by Lizzy Caplan on 'Masters of Sex')

America loves Lizzy Caplan. I'm no different. I always got excited when she was cast on a show I liked ('New Girl', 'The League') or when she got to play her usual roles in movies like "Bachelorette" and "Hot Tub Time Machine." But when she was finally cast on a lead role on a TV show I was pumped. When I found out that the show had the word "sex" in it, well, I was even more excited. Seriously though, she's shown how exceptionally talented she is on that show.

9. LUX CASSIDY (played by Britt Robertson on 'Life Unexpected')

Britt Robertson has had a pretty busy career at such a young age (23). She's been on several shows ('Life Unexpected', 'Under the Dome', 'The Secret Circle') and also a few movies that I've seen. Perhaps I'm not the only one who realizes how cute and awesome she is, but it feels like it. This was a cute little show that only lasted two seasons, but her character was really good and kept me watching.

8. ALEX HUNTER (played by Gloria Votsis on 'White Collar')

I continue to maintain that Gloria Votsis is unreal sexy and underrated in Hollywood. She plays the role of sexy bad-ass vixen on 'White Collar' so well, I wish she would get more roles on TV. She pops up elsewhere on TV every once in a while, but it's only for one episode and that's disappointing. Dear casting directors: give this woman a chance please.

7. KATE MOREAU (played by Alexandra Daddario on 'White Collar')

Please let the record show that I thought Alexandra Daddario was one of the most stunningly beautiful human beings (her eyes are hypnotic) I had ever seen YEARS before everyone else finally realized this when she got naked on 'True Detective'. Considering she's probably my dream girl, I can see why Neal Caffrey would break out of jail a few months before he was going to be released just to see her.

6. ALEX KERKOVICH (played by Elisha Cuthbert on 'Happy Endings')

The crazy thing about this is that Elisha on 'Happy Endings' was practically ugly when compared to how unreal hot she was in the movie "The Girl Next Door." Obviously she was still gorgeous on that show. Her character was also hilarious and cute, and was a joy to watch. Bonus points for being one of the best comedic eaters I've ever seen. Man, I miss her and that show.

5. BRIDGET HENNESSY (played by Kaley Cuoco on '8 Simple Rules')

She's no slouch on 'The Big Bang Theory', but when you're a horny teenager and you see her dress provocatively as the same age as you on that show, you tend to favor that character over Penny from "TBBT". She was also a spoiled and stuck-up brat on that show who just played with boys' emotions, and for some weird reason those are the types of girls I often fall for. So there's that.

4. JULIE TAYLOR (played by Aimee Teegarden on 'Friday Night Lights')

This show is special. You know it and I know it. And if you don't know it, then you stupidly haven't watched it yet. Much like 'Chuck', everyone who has ever seen this show falls in love with it. Not only did I fall in love with this show and its characters (two of my four favorite TV characters ever were on this show), but I fell in love with Aimee Teegarden.

By most people's tastes, she wasn't one of the best characters on the show (probably not even in my Top 5), nor was she the best-looking female (most people would pick Minka Kelly or Adrianne Palicki probably), but for me she was #1. She could be a brat, sure, but what teenage girl isn't from time to time? She was cute and could be very sweet, and her relationship with Matt Saracen was one of the best on TV. I'm not properly explaining why I liked her so much, but so be it -- her character was just my type in every way.

3. EMILY THORNE (played by Emily VanCamp on 'Revenge')

Emily VanCamp is so drop-dead gorgeous and beautiful. It doesn't hurt that her character is a complete bad-ass hell-bent on revenge and often wearing elegant dresses. Seriously though, that woman has to be the most underrated on the planet. Not sure what else to say.

2. KELLY KAPOWSKI (played by Tiffani Thiessen on 'Saved by the Bell')

If you're in your late 20s or 30s, then you are nodding your head right now. This was everyone's dream girl and with good reason. What a babe. Anytime I wear THIS SHIRT out in public, everyone (male or female) comes up to me to comment about it. It's the ultimate ice-breaker.

She was everyone's perfect girl growing up and all I want for Christmas next year is Zack Morris' cardboard cut-out of her in my room!

1. SARAH WALKER (played by Yvonne Strahovski on 'Chuck')



  1. Haha, I love your No. 1 comment. :D But it's so true...

  2. As soon as I saw the title of the list I did not even need to scroll down to see who would be number 1. Dude, based on this list and your favourite characters list, you have it bad for Sarah Walker, wow, really bad. The fact that you missed Ellie (Sarah Lancaster) says it all.

    I have seen both close up at comic con and both are beautiful, but, Sarah Lancaster is just flawlessly beautiful. You missed Kristen Kreuk.....lol.

    I know, I know, I know....this is your list, but wow do you have it badly for Sarah Walker, yikes.

    Well, I suppose people can always dream, the fact that a lot of these girls these days are going for regular guys......anyone has a chance.

    1. You can't "miss" something if you intentionally leave it off.

  3. I know this has nothing to do with the article but Bryce Larkin aka Matt Bomer finally has a twitter account. Which is @MattBomer .