27 January, 2012

ARCHER 3.05: 'El Contador'

Archer's fifth episode of the season but 2nd episode of the... season... and Cyril is an agent now.

The story goes that since Ray got himself paralyzed from the waste down, Malory is forced to promote Cyril to a field agent. This of course doesn't sit well with the other field agents.

Ray: You're taking me out of the field?!
Malory: Well, unless we need someone to go undercover as a shopping cart.

Cyril's first field agent mission is to capture Roman Calzado, a Columbian drug lord, who has a DEA bounty of $1 million.

Lana isn't happy about the shitty mission.

Malory: What are you talking about?! The reward is a million dollars!
Lana: Exactly. And how many drug users could be treated with that money?
Malory: Who cares?!
Lana: Seriously?
Archer: Lana, they'd just go buy a million dollars worth of crack with it.
Lana: You don't give them the money.
Archer: You can't. They'll blow it on crack.
Lana: Oh my god.

Meanwhile, Malory tells the rest of the gang that they will have to take a drug test. Obviously they are all drug users so they need clean urine.

In the jungles of Columbia, Archer, Lana, and Cyril are inserted by helicopter and then argue like a bunch of twits. Archer and Cyril take jabs at each other and Lana can't take any more of it.

Lana: Ahh, Heckel, Jeckel, between us and Calzado's fortified compound, there's about 10 klicks of jungle that I just assume is one giant booby-trap showroom. So shut your dickholes, get your gear, shut-up again, and start walking!

Back at the offices, the gang discusses the drug testing issue. Doctor Krieger tells them that he can sell them an herbal tea cleanse that will give them clean urine. They buy it and drink the horrid tasting shit that eventually results in crazy hallucinations. Krieger records their behavior as if studying lab rats. This story line culminates in Cheryl and Ray wheeling in to Malory's office naked and dropping off their clean urine, while Pam remains on the loose within the building.

Good, now that's out of the way, we can stick with the main story.

Cyril goes missing. Archer and Lana argue about it so loud that they get captured by Calzado's men. When they are brought before Calzado, they discover the Cyril has infiltrated into the organization, pretending to be the accountant of the big boss. Archer and Lana are placed in a prison cell and told they are to be hunted the next day, but not before a tiger in a nearby cell is shot dead, something that is very upsetting to Archer.

Lana: Well, go ahead and say it.
Archer: Say what?
Lana: How since we're gonna die in the morning, we should have sex now.
Archer: After seeing a tiger get murdered, Lana? No offense, but I'm not really in the mood. [long pause] I mean, if you want I can watch while you masturbate. But I can tell you right now, my heart's not gonna be in it. It'll be with that tiger's family. But, go ahead. I mean, start.

The next day, Cyril convinces Calzado to make the human hunt a challenge between the two of them, one going after Lana and the other Archer. He then finds Lana and arms her. They then save Archer and capture Calzado but not before they let Calzado beat the shit out of Cyril (go watch the fucker if you need to know more). When they return back to the ISIS offices, Malory is given the bad news by the DEA that they're not paying for Calzado's capture.

Malory: Because apparently there is no proof that we did.
Lana: We literally handed Calzado to them!
Malory: And in return, did they hand you a signed receipt for the prisoner?
Archer: No, they [pause], oh.
Lana: Oh shit.

If I had to rate this one, I'd give it:

87 out of 100

There was no sex. COME ON! Otherwise, I would have given it a 94.


  1. Fun ratings fact: Even though Archer has just 1.1 million viewers, over a third of them are Men 18-34.

    Thus, more Men 18-34 watched this episode of Archer than the series finale of Chuck.

    Archer M18-34 rtg: 1.16
    Chuck finale: 0.8

    But, women don't dig this show. Only 22% of the viewers are female, which is lower than football.

    1. Funnily enough, a woman got me into this show. :)