Review - ARCHER 4.06: 'Once Bitten'

Another guest review. -- HGF

During pre-season interviews, Adam Reed emphasized that ARCHER was going to concentrate more on serialized storytelling. This season has explored Archer's mommy issues, friendships (or lack thereof), daddy issues, relationships (past and present) and his innermost fears. The previous episodes touched on these topics in a humorous and light beat fashion. This episode went deeper.

Once Bitten provided us with an emotional and in-depth analysis of Sterling Archer while paying homage to a wonderful book called The Natural which tells the story of a baseball player named Roy Hobbs. Like Hobbs, Archer lives a lonely existence where he has no friends and no one to loves him.

This season has gone to great pains to paint a picture of Archer being lost in his own inadequacies. It is easy for the show to rely on these traits as a source of humor, but when they take the time to explore what made him into the man he is today, it can be a breathtaking journey that changes everything we know.

Paralleling Roy's history with Archer's enables the show to dig deep into the psychosis of a man who is simply not just an alcoholic womanizer with mommy issues. They provide Archer with a pathos, and allow us to empathize with a man who deep down is a scared child, who craves a maternal/paternal figure who will choose him over everything and everybody.

I will never look at Archer in the same way, and I have a greater understanding of why he hates alligators.  Alligators are to Archer what baseball is to Roy Hobbes: daddy.

Excellent episode.

Grade A

Stray Observations

- So, Lana's dream is to run ISIS? Hmmm, interesting.

- The lengths this show goes to hurt Ray are becoming epic. Please keep going.

- Cyril, when are you going to not suck at this field work?

- Cheryl/Carol: way to go with the insight, even if you did not know what you were saying.

- Mallory Archer is an evil bitch, and if there is any redemption for Sterling, I hope he quits ISIS.

- Turkmenistan people are funny, with all their weird words that mean the same thing.

-- Shawn Mahone


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Review - ARCHER 4.05: 'Viscous Coupling"

Another guest review by Shawn. I mostly agree with his assessment and overall grade. --HGF

The plot in this episode concentrated on serialized storylines ARCHER has been weaving together for 3 seasons. I did not think enough character progression occured and that left me a little disappointed. The earlier episodes explored Ron, Archer's past and resolved Rays paralysis in greater detail and originality. What came before was fresh, funny and had gravitas. This episode was too sparse for my liking and did not hit the right notes I have come to expect from this wonderful show. 

Katya is back to hoodwink Archer into returning Barry to Earth and goes about it by exploiting any unresolved feelings Archer may have had for her in the past. That she pulled this on Valentines day was a little harsh to be honest, but I guess Archer is a dick so I am not too upset.

Since Katya is obviously the new head of the KGB I do not understand her motivations, yet. Does she love Barry? Does she want to run the KGB with him? Maybe these questions will be resolved at a later date, the lack of clarification in this episode hurt her agency and the arc as a whole. Archer gets the awesome Krieger involved in fixing the space ship,  the episode then skips back and forth between Archer helping (or not) Barry (in Krieger's lab) and trying to seduce Katya (in her apartment) by convincing her that Barry is cheating on her. I must admit Krieger certainly does have a good read on Archers psyche, even Archer could not deny what he was saying was not true.

Archer 's recognition and sort of acceptance of Krieger's opinions demonstrate emotional growth for our beloved spy. Maybe Archer does want to change? He felt that it was important Lana knew of his growth in the beginning of the episode.

One storyline that I am not looking forward to is Lana and Cyril's relationship and their issues again. I know in episodes 2, 3, and 4 there were heavy clues dropped in that they would get back together, Cyril's regret and Lana's need for sex, but it is still a boring avenue for the show to explore.

We shall see the consequences of these new developments later in the season, I am hoping that we do get a kick-ass cyborg fight between Barry and Ray.

A good episode.

Grade: B

Stray observations:

- Back in the 80's my parents made the same mistake as Archer, buying a time share. So I do understand his complaints about paying those "god damn maintenance fees". To this day my parents can not for the love that is almighty get rid of that stupid time share.

- Archer stealing that random pussy's flowers and candy was great, as was the call back to "Stage Two" with him using Cyril Figgis name when doing shitty things. I am glad he ran him over too.

- Carol/Cheryl just loves the physical abuse! I am with Archer, it really is creepy.

- Katya likes oil? Good to know for when people in the future date cyborgs.

- Those tapes Pam compiled and edited for Archer were so bad. They were so bad that I could not stop laughing the whole time Archer played them for Katya.

--Shawn Mahone
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Guest Review ARCHER 4.04 - 'Midnight Ron'

Another review by the masked guest reviewer. I didn't read it. Let me know if there is anything wrong with it. Thanks. --HGF

As a huge fan of the 80's film Midnight Run I was always going to be in the can for this episode. Midnight Run was a film about 2 odd balls who traverse the country using different forms of transportation while eluding various criminals, police, bounty hunters, FBI, etc. What makes the film work so well is the amount of emotional truth that was mined from the pressure the 2 men found themselves under. There was comedy sure but there was also this deep psychological game being played throughout and in the end they forged a grudging respect and friendship.

Midnight Ron had a lot of these moments too and I was amazed at just how much the episode allowed to fit into 22 minutes of running time. You have the oddballs in Archer and Ron "Freaking Epic" Cadillac, you had the different forms of transportation from the cars to the Trucks to the train back to the car, you had the same argument as the film about stiffing the working man or woman...whereas in the film it was about the tips in the episode it was about not stealing the beer! You had the moment where Ron called Archer out for his weird relationship with his mother and Archer actually learning something and forging and grudging respect with Ron.

In between there was the great montage of every ISIS refusing to lend Archer money, EVEN WOODHOUSE! Who Archer basically owns! The car chase scene had some fantastic animation and voice work. I really warmed up to Ron in this episode as the car thief who was trying to do right by his old crew.

Finally I just love that there is no bounds to how much he can be an asshole to his servent Woodhouse.

Excellent episode.

Grade: A

Stray observations:

- If I were Archer and had the stunningly drawn woman in my hands I would burn my passport and never go back either!
- "Neup!"
- Archers harassment of the fellow Canadians was just perfect Archer.
- Archers rant on Chaos Theory/The Butterfly Effect had me in tears when he ended that "Supposing Rhinoceros knows English!"
- The only way that Ron and Archer could remain friends is if they piss Mallory off....classic.

--Shawn Mahone
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Guest Review - ARCHER 4.03: 'Legs'

Shawn returns with another guest review of an ARCHER episode. I don't know what he's trying to say but then he's writing for free and not complaining too much when I charge him for it. --HGF

As I mentioned last week or maybe it was the premiere review...do not remember...not important...a show will at some point work its way to undo some of its previous season finale work. But as I said before most shows fuck you off when they do it because it is lazy ass fucking shit writing that pisses most of us off but with Archer it is so much fun. We knew that Ray would walk again at some point, that was a given, but the writers used what we know about Krieger and his experiments with Katya and the work they did with Barry and they made an incredibly awesome episode that allowed Ray to walk again and let the show do what it does best and that is being totally kick ass with Kenny Logans apparently coming to sing Danger Zone!

So we start off with Ray waking up and finding it incredibly difficult to get himself to work. The day to day routine of getting out of bed or making breakfast or even moving around gets to Ray as well as the mounting medical costs and all the physical shit that goes along with it. Archer parking in the disabled spot payed off the series premiere where he did the exact same thing, citing that he is a secret agent and more important (great call back show!) so that was funning.

Everything from Krieger's mouth on how he was going to allow Ray to walk again was just so hilarious. The whole scene just had me in tears and I could not stop wiping the tears of laughter from my face quick enough to keep watching. The operation itself was a mixture of disgusting and disgustingly funny (" shall I wash my hands?", "I did not?", "Where are my bears cans?", "blood pressure!", "not good!", "I am talking about his!", "so was I!") Nice touch with the classical music.

The things with Rodney were funny because he just does not shit about anything that the ISIS crew are whining about and Archer giving the guy so much shit while also blowing him and Carol/Cheryl up was pretty awesome. The call back to Archer almost blowing his ear drums again was great, Brett getting shot again! Carol/Cheryl getting turned on by physical/emotional violence was awesome too. So many awesome things going on.

The Mallory and Ron stuff was great too while also filling in on what attracts them to each other...money, racism, success, assholery, etc.

Archer asking for Cyril's clothes terminator style was awesome too.

So great episode all around, I know I maybe missed a shit load but I will commentate later this week when I have more time to fill in the gaps or you lazy bitches could make an effort!

Grade: A

Stray observations:

-"Oh Blow Me,""Why? you couldn't feel it"
- "A bag, I piss and shit in a bag too"
-"Me too!"
- "I do not mean robotics but bionics from the greek work meaning kick ass!" (Awesome)
- Krieger doing some necrophilia with Katya is so disturbing yet so funny
- Krieger not knowing the actual words of the bones
- Krieger drugging Ray before he actually agreed to do the operation
- "Like give you an erection!"
- "I am assuming you mean give me the ability to have an errection?", "That too"
- Ray acknowledging that the deep south bible bashers are anti gay and that he has his limits.

- Krieger selling the guns or fixing Conway ( he has no fucking morals )
- Krieger ready to just dump Ray in a dumpster if he kills him.
- The Warren Commission! great reference, it is the report that President Johnson commissioned to find out who assignated President Kennedy. This is apt because they had to trace the bullet trajectory like Archer does in this episode.
- Ron taking the piss out of Archer and Archer letting him get away with it.....such a mamas boy!

--Shawn Mahone
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Furycast 66 - That Kiss Sucked

Jess and Magnus talk about the NEW GIRL kiss that shocked the world (and disappointed one of us); also HAPPY ENDINGS and our inability to remember its storylines; the new show THE AMERICANS about KGB spies in the US in the early 80s; THE OFFICE trying to jump the shark; ARCHER still being brilliant; 30 ROCK series finale; and many other discussions involving COMMUNITY, THE WALKING DEAD, GAME OF THRONES, CHUCK and much more.

WARNING!!!!! This is an unedited podcast. If we decide to order pizza in the middle, then you will hear it.

Either autoplaying or you need to press play below.


Or you can DOWNLOAD this podcast by RIGHT CLICKING ON THIS LINK and saving the MP3 file (I recommend this).
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Guest Review - ARCHER 4.02: 'The Wind Cries Mary'

Shawn Mahone guest writers another review of ARCHER! Tell him what you thought! -- HGF

You know the exact moment this episode had me? the moment when I realized that this show does not simply lazily get in a guest star and riff the easiest thing in the world to riff on? the moment where you know this series even in its low moments is going to be great no matter what in the end!

The answer is when Archer asked Luke how he was passing out and Luke was ok and Luke replied that the reason was because he coated the glass....the smile on my face was huge and then suddenly I shed a tear (RIP Maggs Bennett, RIP indeed). You see it would have been so easy to get Tim Olyphant in last years Bloody Harlan and use him there, it would be so easy to have this episode about two of the manliest men alive going around blowing shit up and banging women because Olyphant has to be Raylan Givens right? no! and this show is the better for it.

What makes this episode more and more funny is the fact that Luke is gay and he is especially gay for Archer and he basically has the biggest hard on for him. It is funny because Archer seems to be the only one who does not realise this and Lana's "Called it" was superb comic timing and delivery. This episode had some other great moments too while expanding the shows universe but also clueing in potential new fans. Krieger gets to do the great ant experiments while also being a total weirdo, Pam is the HR director who gets no respect (and in a great line delivery by Amber Nash works in a chicken shit outfit), Cyrill is the weasily accountant, Cheryll/Carol is just a bitch that I love, Lana is the hot headed babe with big hands, Mallory the self obsessed narcissist who has this controlling unhealthy relationship with Archer and then this is Archer himself. The episode is a check, check, check, check....check episode in a way but it is still funny and seamingsly done so that not to annoy returning fans.

Well done show, well done.

So we have the HR evaluations being done all episode long and the banter between Lana and Cyril was expertly done and enjoyable. If I had to mark this episode down slightly it would be killing off of Luke, his death bed confession was fantastic...just popped in an Al Green CD and some hand lotion and...... So to not see him again kinda irks me a little. Him and Archer just riffing with each other and getting along really well made me want to see more of Luke because we know Archer has no other friends and opening up Archer has made him a better character. Archer lets him tease him about his mom and he lets him out Archer him and so it is good to see someone who can do these things, but all in all.....

Great Stuff, just.... GREAT STUFF ALL AROUND!.

There was a ton of other stuff in there but this week I want you guys to fill in some of the blanks and let me know what you think! You bitches need to work a little!

I am going to try and do the grading system this week, I saw it on another blog and thought why the fuck not!

GRADE: A-

-- Shawn Mahone

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Guest Review - ARCHER 4.01: 'Fugue and Riffs'

Shawn Mahone returns with another ARCHER review. I continue to appreciate his efforts by not "hiring" him as a staff writer. Why? Because I don't make sense. Like Chewbacca. --HGF

So we are all back for the adventures  of the spy whore who loves to live in the DANGER ZONE! Do not be ashamed people, it is no sin to love a cartoon character who says and does what we all wish we could say and do 95 % of the time while banging the shit out of a hot chick or dude (readers choice..no judgement here!).

So we start by ARCHER one of the greatest things they could ever, ever, ever do! Do a scene as Archer being Bob from Bob's Burgers (because we all know Archer voice actor Jon H Benjamin voices Bob as well) and saying everything that Archer says and does that Bob would never do, lol. Like saying how it is a shitty job and how he basically only know 2 of the 3 kids names and how they have to do all the cleaning up because the health inspector is coming...Archer you son of a bitch...never change! So why are the Russians coming for Archer and why has he been Bob for the last 2 months? lets find out after the jump! (I have no fucking idea what that means but hey Sepinwall does it so whatever)

So we go to the ISIS offices to find out what the rest of the gang has been doing since we last saw them. They fill us in on why Archer is Bob (he has Retrograde Amnesia for some reason) and that they are looking for him and have caught up with him because they spoke to his wife (cue all the shock and awe from the worlds most worst mom! lol.) Linda and realise he is a spa. Now although Krieger details out how Archer needs to be wooed back into who he really is and that a bang to the head with a frying pan will not do the job we just know that it will only take a bang to the fucking head by a frying pan because hey this is tv and has to be Chekov's frying pan...YOU GOT IT! Because I swear I will strip down and show you all the guns and knives I have attached to my body! and drink a shitload of Vodka and eat a fuckload of gummy bears! Great stuff!

So we get to the spa where Archer is relaxing. The show does a lot of lifting to remind us who these people are: Pam loves drugs, Mallory is a crazy bitch ass, self absorbed psychopath who has this weird relationship with her son, Cheryll is the rich and incredibly weird Tunt (phrasing! come again? seriously nobody?), Cyril is still Cyril (the worlds worst secret agent) and Krieger is the most wonderful character out there (oh Goatlee or Piglee)...hehehehe.

Lana approaches Archer and tries to play him and the team try and act as the KGB in order to knock Archer back into himself...the real KGB turns up and we get into a cool fight sequence and all shit breaks loose. Lana hits Archer with a Frying pan and what do you know he is back baby! we get a classic reminder of who archer is in the way he says Lana and berates her and also how he makes a lacross stick out of a broom and ice shovel and starts lobbying Molotov cocktails at the Russians (some nice subtle work done there).

The good guys wins and we finally learn what made Archer have a mental break, Mallory married a Cadillac dealer named Ron Cadillac and Archer just lost his shit and stole the limo (I love how the driver says he does not understand the core concept!). We also learned that Barry is the reason the KGB were able to track Archer!

So a fantastic return for out group of heroes that most people on the street would hate. I just loved how much fun the show had in getting all the characters to do and say things that we all love about them. The glee on Pams face when she screamed "Phrasing, boom first person to get there" was just so awesome! I loved how every Archerisms was put out there...Phrasing, Danger Zone, Core Concept, etc! I loved the serialisation that they did not forget about Barry and I loved that they reminded us of the weird relationship that mallory has with her son. I loved how Ron can just turn up in the end and everybody knows him and it is no big deal that he part of the group! A lot of shows are made to walk back a lot of the shit they did in a season finale in the premiere (Like Chuck quitting the CIA and blowing up the Buymore and they walk everything back in 4.01), not ARCHER. ARCHER made it a fun episode that flowed seamlessly from once scene to the next and set up what the season will be about, did he Barry, yes he did Barry!

If I had to give a grade and I will because I just love the fuck out of this show ! (But do not worry I will call them out on their shit!) Then I will give them:

95 Out of 100

For a season premiere this did not drag and they did a nice job of trying to get new viewers in while rewarding existing fans. They got a 1.0 in the key demo which is good for this show, well done!

-- Shawn Mahone
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Furycast 63 - FOX is Not a Real Network

Jess and Magnus discuss CHUCK (way too much), NEW GIRL, HAPPY ENDINGS, PARKS AND RECREATION, ARCHER, plus some other stuff... like how FOX is not a real network... ummm... Viggo Mortensen... what else? Racism in the industry... look, it is an hour long. It is bound to cover a lot of stuff that I can't remember. Just let it be people! Let it be!

WARNING: this is essentially an unedited podcast. Only 12 seconds at the beginning and 10 at the end were cut out. So if we relieve ourselves or drink water or stop talking for a minute... it is all there. ENJOY!

To listen, press play below.


You can also DOWNLOAD THE MP3 VERSION by right clicking that link and then saving the file to your hard drive so that you can do with it as you wish. I don't want to know. Just do it. In the privacy of your own home.
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The 'Archer' Drinking Game!

With the fourth season of 'Archer' [redacted by site owner for sake of the future] on January 17th -- I figured what better way to celebrate [redacted] than another drinking game!
If you thought the 'Chuck' drinking game was too much to handle, you ain't seen nothin' yet, folks.

On to the rules, you alcoholics:

--DRINK if you hear any of the following common 'Archer' catchphrases: "Daaaaanger Zone", "Classic Mother", "Phrasing", "Sploosh", "Hoorayyyyy", "Obviously the Core Concept", "Wah, Wah", "Nooooope", "Yuuuuup", "Right?", "Shut Up", "Sterling Mallory Archer", "Bionic Barry", "Jeezey Pete's", "Yeah, Use That Tone".

--There are three more catchphrases that require you to drink, but they have stipulations: "Holy Shit-Snacks" (drink twice if it's followed up by "And Crackers"), "Dukes" (drink twice if it's "Double Dukes" or three times for "Triple Dukes"), and "Lana! ... Lana! ... Lana!!!!!!!! (drink twice if it's done using someone else's name instead of Lana).

--When any of the following make an appearance: Krieger's hologram girlfriend, Krieger's sketchy van, Pam's dolphin puppet, Archer's "Seamus" tattoo, a ping-pong paddle and Babboo the Ocelot (Drink twice if it pisses everywhere).

--Pam-related drinking rules: DRINK if Pam has sex with someone OR if she watches someone else have sex OR if she burps OR whenever she tries to see how many pool balls she can fit in her mouth (4 pool balls = 4 drinks).

--Archer-related drinking rules: DRINK if Archer is holding a drink OR if he mentions his time playing lacrosse OR if he talks about turtlenecks (Drink twice if he mentions "Tactleneck")  OR if he mentions his erection (Drink twice if someone else points it out) OR if he gets caught/discovered by the enemy because he was talking too loudly OR if he talks about his "situational awareness".

--Any reference to Mallory's rival, Trudy Beekman.

--Whenever someone makes fun of the size of Lana's hands ("Truck-a-saurus", "Yeti Hands", etc.).

--If someone falls for one of Archer's classic voicemail pranks.

--Anytime Mallory throws herself at someone sexually (Drink twice if it's a Duke).

--A shoot-out scene that results in everyone missing and no one getting shot.

-- Anytime Barry injures himself because of something Sterling does (Pre-Bionic version).

--When "Guest" is used as a password for something.

--Every time money from the ISIS bank accounts/401Ks is stolen or transferred.

--If Carol/Cheryl/Cristal changes her name within the same episode.

--Whenever Brett gets shot (Drink twice if somehow you don't laugh when this happens).

--Every instance that Archer and Lana argue about their past relationship.

--Anytime a character is double-fisting guns.

--Every time Cyril has sex with someone other than Lana.

--Whenever Cheryl is aroused by being dominated or physically abused.


If you're still sober-enough to comment after you try this drinking game out, I'd love to know what you all think. And if you have any fun rules that you wish to add to the list, share with the rest of the class.

Happy "Archer" watching, Happy drinking. [redacted]


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Guest Review of ARCHER Season 3: The Final Four

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, I present to you this site's first ever GUEST REVIEW, by Shawn Mahone. Written because I became super lazy at some point and kept putting off writing reviews for a show I love very much (hi, NEW GIRL!).

The final 4 episodes of season 3 form what can be seen as an arc of Archer learning that at times his narcissistic tendencies have dire consequences and to that end there are periods of him actually being a decent human being. Letting Jackoff die just so he could have the best fuck of his life hit him and I like that he let Katya go and be happy, he refused to fight Barry in the space station so that everyone could survive and so there were elements of serialization taking place akin to last season's Archer Cancer storyline. But of course Archer being Archer he quickly goes back to being a dick with the most funny moment having him crash the Intrepid and being the only one not injured, hehehe and taunting Ray, but more on that later. So let's Jump in to each episode and see where it takes us and just how much fun we can have.

Crossing Over
I love all the Archer characters but Pam's attitudes and actions will always put me on team Pam! All the characters have their faults...Pam is a gossip, Cheryl a nymphomaniac who has kinky sex and says the shittiest and nastiest things, Archers an asshole, Cyril a sex addict, Krieger is just a plain weirdo and Malory is just an awful mother, Ray is superficial and Lana is quite vein too but Pam I mean she just goes for what she wants, says what she wants and does what she wants and has no reservation or shame for being who she is and that is just fucking awesome!

So an episode that is Pam centric and also pays off in a wonderful way that she grew up on a farm gets at least a 90 for me! Pam and Archer hookup and it turns out that Pam is great at having sex, the two of them have great comedic chemistry and watching the combined shame and pure enjoyment of Archer doing the nasty with her had me in stitches every time they were on screen together. The fact that she said Archer's penis was not exactly big enough was funny as fuck simply because no other character would have the nerve to tell him that.

Bringing back both Jackoff and Barry shows that even for a cartoon Archer is fantastic with serialization and it picks up right where those two characters stories left off. The show keeps on teasing who Archers father is and I like that they addressed that in this episode (I personally do not care if they ever actually figure out who it is because it is so much fun not to know) and were going for it and they had the balls to kill off a character. Archer's conversations with Jackoff were both touching and fucking funny especially Archer noting that he is glad that he looks nothing like a fat and ugly slob like him, the hug was a nice touch. The moment Jackoff died you could see that Archer had regrets and it was a nice moment for the show to take seriously because it helps fans invest in something, Archer does care and can be more than just the season 1 asshole.

Barry has been doing a lot of damage to Archer lately, both physically and mentally. This will carry on in to the next episode but for this particular episode he starts to carry out this master plan which we do not find out about and kills Jackoff as a way to not only get rid of a threat at work but also to fuck with Archer. I am not sure what to think of Barry I mean his talking to himself as a third person never not gets a laugh or too but there seems to lack a depth to him apart from being Archers victim.

Stray Observations

- Cheryl getting strangled was hilarious as was her forgetting who Barry was, dynamite.

- Elaborate phone prank! still funny how Archer puts so much effort into doing those and the reactions of both Malory and Lana was fantastic.

- 50 I mean 40 thousand dollars! great call back from Tragical History by Ray. Those greedy/corrupt ISIS bastards that I love!

- “It's absinthe and milk.”

-“Whoo! I'm Pacman Jones!”

- “That's 150 gallons of Pam's hot, dirty, ball-slappin'...”

- “How you gonna keep 'em down on the farm, after they seen Pammy?”

-“You make me sound like some kind of Chupacabra, but for dicks.”

-“It's a DVD, a box of wine, some Hot Pockets, and off to bed.”

- “What? C'mon! You were pushin' rope!”

- “Who hunts dogs?” “Orientals, duh!”

Rating: 92/100

Skin Game
Skin game was ARCHER just being all out fucking weird! Starting off with the biggest weirdo being Dr Krieger's apartment, man was that place a shit hole and had all these odd and creepy experiments as well. So amid this plethora of nightmares was the bad Dr bringing back Archers dead fiancée back to life as a cyborg, so Archer being Archer dumps Pam and starts the process of remarrying Katya and having weird and kinky sex with a vagina that has great suction and vibrates, yikes!

The way the episode ended with Barry returning and having sex with Katya when they fight and then just having Archer accept it and go off in a Graduate style parody seemed all to nice and easy and so left me a little disappointed. I know that Barry and Katya had to leave so they could come back and so the show had to work something out but as a nice moment as it was for Archer to learn from the previous episode...I could accept Archer letting Katya go with someone else but Barry?

Other stuff happened but it mostly involved a lot of office bitching so no need to go into that.

Stray observations

- Will Krieger ever figure out how to play the drum part of Rush's "YYZ"? tune in next season to find out!

- Remember when I said that Archer being a human being is good and all? well him drinking Cyril's grandfathers scotch gotten from Frank Sinatra shows him at his most glorious and assholly.

- Bear Claw Monday!

- “I don't really have a roadmap for my ex finding your robo-gina in the sink.”

- “Bone... dancing.”

- “RoboCop: Pro or con?” “Neither!”

- “I had Korean barbecue for lunch. I cannot look at a Dr. Moreau pig-baby.”

Rating: 88/100

Space Race Part 1
Ok we finally made it to one of the best episodes the show will ever do and I firmly put this episode up with El Secuestro, Stage 2, The Limited, Lo Scandolo among others as what Archer does when it is cooking and man was this episode fucking cooking!

When a show brings in a famous guest star like Bryan Cranston the best episodes know how to use their guest stars effectively and cater the material specifically for them. Any Geek/Nerd with a pulse knows about Breaking Bad. The show is about a man's path into oblivion and how the people around him suffer mentally or physically or a combination of the two. Bryan Cranston plays Walter White, the man who finds out he has cancer and decides to partner up with a former student and cook drugs to provide for his family and I will not bore you with the details and assume as geeks/nerds know the rest...The episode "Fly" best demonstrates this in a beautiful moment, Jesse (Walt's partner) is standing on top of a ladder that is incredibly unstable trying to swat a fly while Walt is passing out, it is basically what the whole show is... framed beautifully...some poor bastard risking life and limb on one of Walt's half assed notions of spotting a fly in the lab that could contaminate their product. Everyone character on Breaking Bad basically does crazy stupid shit because Walt White wants to feel important, who wants to have things his way because he refuses to compromise because he is a petty vindictive and evil bastard (all be it a magnificent bastard) and this show has had some wonderful moments of clarity when Walt shows his true colors and lets us marinate in the moment..."Stay out of my territory", " I am the one who knocks!", "I Won!".

So all of this is to say remember everything you know about Breaking Bad because in their own way ARCHER paid a tremendous tribute to a wonderful actor and a wonderful show in a balls out fucking funny as shit episode. So here we go!

First of all let's just get it out the way and say it! Step aside "Stay out of my territory", know your place " I am the one who knocks!" and just bow down "I Won!" because there is a new kid in town and that is "Welcome to the DANGAAAAA ZONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" . All episode long Archer tries to get Cranston (Drake) to say Danger Zone and all episode Drake just ignores him or acts like he does not know what the fuck Archer is going on about. It is only when Drake reveals his plan and purses his lips and lets out the Danger Zone that we finally realize that he has been playing Archer and the whole ISIS gang all along, it is a glorious line reading and considering that Archer has been saying Danger Zone for 3 seasons they saved it for the best guest star they have ever had to Danger Zone Archer! PERFECT! That moment makes me hope they never top the moment because it was so beautiful.

Ok in the beginning of the episode an urgent message from Captain Kellogg on the Horizon (the space ship) that they are under attack and need help. So Cranston is there to ask ISIS for help in taking the ship back from the mutineers. The opening salvo lets you know just how great this episode is going to be, there is a great callback to how Archer really is a racist (Boondocks!), how every American probably hates the French (Badum Bum...sorry, I thought French was a joke!), Space exploration being a Boondoggle (waste of time and money) and the start of the great running gag...READ A BOOK! the dialogue is witty and brilliant.

So we now know that like Walter White, Drake is taking the ISIS crew into space on one of his half assed notions of creating a living environment on MARS! I still cannot believe they did this, totally fucking awesome.

After the opening credits Dr Krieger has one of the funniest scenes ever where he basically gives Archer like 12 Enemas just for his own sick pathology. Once I found out what an Enema was I cannot watch that scene without being in tears, good times!

The vomit comet was brilliant, H Jon Benjamin was fantastic in saying "Space Weightlessness!" and him riding Cyril through the vomit was awesome! Lana not being good at something was good for a great laugh. Archer admitting accidently that he spent 15 years in boarding school was priceless. Already people (mostly Lana) are starting to suffer from Drakes single minded need to get what he wants and it only gets better. Lana admits that she cannot go to Mars because to be honest she cannot physically handle it and Drake just over rides her (because that is what Walt and Cranston does so well!) and sets up the perfect line for an amused Archer..."That s too bad Agent Kane because you're going!", Archer "To a zone, one of danger, ha ha" The excitement in Benjamin's voice sells just how much this amuses Archer.

The launch of the Intrepid was fantastic including two great visual gags. The first being Malory being too small for her suit and only seeing her bulging eyes during takeoff and then Drake switching off Archers Oxygen supply and basically calling him out for being an asshole. I loved how all episode long Drake did not take any shit from Archer and called him out for it and maintained that single minded drive to get to Mars.

Once in space the ISIS crew realize that they are off course because Archer stowed away Pam and Cheryl (basically Pam's weight causing the issues and Archer wanting her around for sex). Archer shooting Pam and Cyril with the stun gun was fantastic and I assumed he had an erection.

The attack on the Horizon mutineers was great especially Archer kicking space pirates ass! They make it to Captain Kellogg (the first black astranaught!) and we come to the greatest line reading in Archer history where we learn that Drake and his crew are the mutineers and they bought Lana along to create a new world on Mars. Welcome to the Danger Zone indeed!

Stray Observations

A fantastic episode that was not only masterfully plotted and executed but was beautiful to look at. I know that I have been basically kissing ARCHERS ass for like 3 episode reviews but respect must be given to a show that is this funny and this well planned out and this well executed and just this fucking awesome. Shows like Fringe never attempt to get their characters right or their plot or their narrative, it is disjointed and shitty and frustrating as hell. Whereas Archer (for a cartoon) pays incredible attention to detail and actually has respect for their fans intelligence and sense of taste. Archer lives in the past and present the references could be from the 60's (slide rules and Tang) or current (Space exploration in this economy?) and yet they respect us enough to just expect us to understand what is going on, there is no need for shitty dialogue that plagues lesser shows like Fringe or other network bullshit out there. The read a book line at the end was great because ARCHER does put in some obscure references (see they expect us to have the intelligence to understand said reference, SEE, Respect!) and so Archer calling the guy Davenport the father of Eugenics was brilliant especially when the guy did not know what it meant.

Bryan Cranston is fucking awesome as one would expect and him being here just shows how much respect he has for this show and the people on it, if you read any of his interviews or listen to any of the Breaking Bad podcast you will know that he can be very picky on what roles he takes on. He likes hard working actors and a crew that knows their shit and is very dedicated to what they do and him being here tells you that I am not alone in knowing that Archer has had 2 bordering on 3 banner seasons of television.

Rating: 99/100

Space Race Part 2
This episode is only slightly down on the previous one but only slightly. Cranston is again terrific in showcasing Drake going more and more insane (ala Walter White) in trying to live his crazy assed dream of colonizing Mars and he keeps on saying crazier and crazier shit and ultimately kills himself when he knows his dreams are dying. Archer knowing what Animal Farm was is brilliant and yet again it is a moment where the show is referencing the 60's/70's and yet being in the present that tests a fans intelligence in the best possible way. When Archer goes on and on about Kellogg being the first black man in space I kept thinking that it is 2012 and that is not a bid deal but they could be commentating on America's poor history with regards to African Americans in the 60's and before so that was awesome. Cheryl hating babies is never not funny especially if they have to crawl out of their vagina's, her being just as crazy as Drake is a treat because at its heart all of ISIS are fucking assholes and are unaware just how well they fit into Drakes plans. Archer with a towel shows that being from a boarding school has its advantages as does the payoff to Cyril knowing how to land the intrepid.

Malory did not have a huge part but that is fine. I loved that Archer for a moment put his ego aside to let the ISIS crew escape and this Barry lives to fight another day. But of course Archer being Archer has to be an asshole and tries to land the Intrepid and it made me laugh that when he realised that he had fucked up he let Cyril take over and blamed him for the crash. Malory being Malory stopped health benefits and Ray is back in a wheel chair, wonderful. I for selfish reasons hope that Ray is out of the chair next season because he is an excellent character and is great in the field. Archer noting that Ray already had a chair and need not be pissed was fantastic and had me in tears. Archer is such an asshole, but him being an asshole is what makes us root for him that much harder.

Stray Observations

There is an argument that this season has been just as good as season 2 and far be it for me to disagree. The limited was an episode that will go down as one of the best episodes of 2012 due to it being top to bottom awesome. The pirate episodes were fantastic as was Burt Reynolds starring role, production values have been fantastic and one can tell that Reed and Co have been given a bigger budget this season and they have used it well. The space episodes were beautiful, the train episode was wonderful and the massive car chase in 3.04 was just balls out cheesy and wonderful in every aspect. What I love about Archer is that it can embrace its owns idiocy and cheesiness and say fuck it and go all out and that is best exemplified in a great Burt Reynolds car chase. When a show looks at all the things critics and network execs say will kill a show (smart dialogue, serialization, asshole characters that an average fan would not root for) and looks death in the face and says whatever man! you know they are on a path to greatness and Archer is up there for me with Mad Men, Breaking Bad, Homeland, Justified, etc. This is a lesson to all TV execs out there and thank fuck for FX, take chances and go for it people you will not be disappointed in the results, put your heart out there and let everyone enjoy the wonders that are Sterling Archer and co...you may never know this but a fan will give you his heart back!

Rating: 95/100

Season Rating: 98/100

HGF: Thanks, Shawn! I now may have to fire one of these lazy bastages who normally write for this site, trend setter!

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Review - ARCHER 3.08 and 3.09: 'Lo Scandalo' and 'Bloody Ferlin'

I seem to be making a habit now out of reviewing two episodes of this show in one article. It's not really by design. I was just really lazy last week. So, forgive me for being brief, or whatever I'm about to do in reviewing both.

3.08 'Lo Scandalo'
Malory calls Archer and Lana to her apartment where they find the Italian prime minister has been murdered, and is tied up to a chair wearing some rubbery sex outfit thing. She tells them intruders killed him and that she needs help. The entire ISIS gang eventually shows up, followed by a cop, and everyone has to pretend they're having a fancy party. In the end, the house party leaves carrying pieces of the murder victim and we discover that Malory killed him over some longstanding personal issue.

QUOTABLES

After Malory tells Archer and Lana her story about how the prime minister was murdered, Archer isn't buying her version of events.
Archer: Lawyer up. Call the cops.
Malory: What?!
Archer: Oh and hit the throttle on the bourbon because I'm gonna have to, uhh [chuckles to himself] bust you in the face a couple of times.
Malory: What're you talking about?!
Archer: Self-defense, mother. It's your only shot. We've gotta uncuff him and de-dildo him, obviously. We'll smash the furniture like he was chasing you around all rapey. Fortunately, he's Italian, so that shouldn't be too hard to sell.

Malory has a flashback to her interaction with her super that she thinks may make dumping a body problematic.
Super: [speaking with an Irish accent] Well, ma'am. It's just that Christmas, the tenants usually give me a small consideration for the work I do all year keeping up the building. We surely count on it, ma'am, especially this year as we had more than the usual medical bills.
Malory: Your point being?
Super: Well, it's just that for the third year running, you gave me a potato.
Malory: Oh dear. So once again you're faced with the classic Irishman's dilemma. Do I eat the potato now or let it ferment so I can drink it later?! [slams door shut]
Little Boy: [coughing and on a crutch] Will I get the operation now, dad?
Super: No, son. [wipes tear with the potato] You're gonna die.

If I had to rate this one, I'd give it:

88 out of 100

I thought the payoff of Malory having manipulated the entire situation was great and showed up a countless number of shows that try oh so very hard, every week, to construct something remotely as interesting. However, having this kind of single "set" episode on a show that can just draw up its own location shoots felt a bit underwhelming while still being an entertaining who-done-it.

3.09 'Bloody Ferlin'
Ray turns out to have been faking having useless paralyzed legs and is caught steeling shit from the armory so he can go rescue his drug farming hick brother who is having problems with the local sheriff. Archer decides to help him because this plot is similar to the one from WHITE LIGHTNING, one of those Burt Reynolds movies he loves so much. They bring along Carol to pretend that she's his wife, though she seems to think they're actually married.

When they find the hell hole his brother Randy lives in, they also find he's married to a hottie named Jenell, who Archer naturally wants to bang. And since they have an open relationship, Randy wants to bang Carol. When Ray finds out, he is pissed off that his brother wants to bang his fake wife (and apparently succeeds at doing just that). Eventually Archer tells Randy that Ray is a super secret spy and the two brothers end their brief spat.

When the sheriff surrounds Randy's home, the gang makes war not love. Though, when Ray finds out his brother has been just a tad full of shit, he knocks him out and turns him in to the po-po. Carol pretends they were hostages. Lalalala.

QUOTABLES

Randy reveals his massive marijuana crop to the gang.
Ray: How did you afford all this?!
Randy: Farm subsidy.
Jenell: He told the government he's growing corn for that high fluctose syrup.
Randy: But damned if I'm gonna contribute to the obesity epidemic!
Archer: Hey, a man's gotta have a code.

Randy seems to think the Bible gives him permission to have an open relationship but Ray tells Archer otherwise. When Archer finds Randy's wife alone, he finds a way to skirt around it.
Archer: What is important is that Randy gave me a Bible lesson.
Jenell: Yeah? And what did the Bible say?
Archer: Well, Jenell, obviously the actual scripture is open to interpretation, but what I took away from it is that we should go in the barn and screw our brains out on a huge pile of marijuana.
Jenell: It didn't say nothing about a rubber, did it?
Archer: [happily chuckling] It did not!

During the big shootout, Archer, having downed tons of moonshine, isn't much help.
Randy: Well, don't just sit there! Shoot!
Archer: Ohhh. I can't. Ohhh. I feel sick. What's happening? Do I have cancer again?
Ray: You drank too much!
Archer: That's a thing?

If I had to rate this one, I'd give it:

89 out of 100

Not enough sex.

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ARCHER 3.06 and 3.07: 'The Limited' and 'Drift Problem'

Since I forgot to write about ARCHER last week, you get TWO reviews in ONE! You lucky shits.

3.06 - The Limited
Archer and the rest of ISIS transport a Nova Scotian terrorist, Kenny Bilko, over to Canada for a payday in what may be one of the best episodes of the series.

As the team prepares to board a train to cross the border, Archer arrives drunk, having mistakenly thought their departure was 12-hours later. Bilko and Archer kind of bond over their love for cool and dangerous spy shit.

Cyril is mistakenly put in charge of watching Bilko while Archer and Lana argue off in another car about his drinking. The terrorist escapes and the hunt is on. What follows is racism and Canadian jokes; gunfights; Archer's crazed love for Cheryl's pet ocelot; a battle on top of a train; and funtabulous dialogue.

In the end, the gang captures the Canadian terrorists and Archer is arrested for attempted murder on a black guy and illegally transporting an exotic animal across the border.

QUOTABLES

Archer arrives to the mission drunk and his mother is not happy.
Malory: You knew we were transporting a dangerous terrorist to Canada! So how and why are you drunk at six o'clock?!
Archer: [very drunk] Well, the how's pretty self explanatory. And the why is because I thought we were leaving at six AM tomorrow! Ergo, Latin, plenty of time to sleep it off.
Lana: Well, drink some coffee because there's a good chance Bilko's terrorist pals..
Bilko: [interrupting] Alleged terrorist pals.
Lana: [continuing] Are gonna attack the train at some point and try to bust him loose.
Archer: Awesome!
Bilko: Right?!
Malory: I'm sorry, but how is that 'Awesome'?
Archer: Because! Pretty much my whole life I've wanted to fight some guys on the roof of a speeding train.
Bilko: Well, if I know my boys, you may just get your wish.
Archer: Ohhh, thanks, Freddy Foreshadowing. [pause] Who is this?
Cyril: [with Malory and Lana sighing] Come on, Archer.
Archer: Please tell me he's a renown chicken and waffle chef. Because, I am starving.

On the train, Archer continues to drink and Lana isn't happy about it.
Lana: Archer, at any time in the next twelve hours, this train could be attacked by radical Nova Scotian separatists!
Archer: [amused] Armed with what? Pamphlets about Canada's responsible gun control laws?

Archer gives in to Lana's demands for him to sober up with coffee.
Archer: [to the bartender] Hey, Heinz 56, can I get an Irish coffee?
Lana: No!
Archer: Lana! I have to taper off! Trust me, if these Nova [unsure] Scojans are a real threat, you do not want me hung over!
Lana: Do you even still get hangovers?
Archer: Normally no, but I drank about two gallons of Mamajuanas this afternoon. I was, uhh, playing dominoes with, uhh, a Dominic bike gang.

Bilko, hiding in a bathroom, calls his terrorist pals to come save him and mistakenly thinks he has heard Archer killing the train's porter.
Bilko: [on the phone] Okay boys. Make sure you bring the heavy stuff. 'Cause these crazy ISIS bastards aren't playing. They just killed a black guy. I know, right? Welcome to America.

As Archer gives a food order for his mother to the porter, George, the train suddenly slows down.
Archer: Wait. Why are we slowing down?
George: We're at the border.
Archer: Of?
George: Umm, this new place called Canada.
Archer: So?
George: So customs, passport control, immigration. You know, the border.
Archer: Yeah but with America.
Lana: They still guard the border!
Archer: [amused] Lana, we're going into Canada!

With Bilko escaping via the roof of the train, Archer pursues him with glee.
Archer: [climbing a ladder to the top of the train cars] Oh my god. This is going to be awes[he hits the top of the car and the fast moving wind hits him]shit! Ow! The dust! It's like being shot in the eyes by a glitter gun! [puts on night vision goggles] There, that oughta do it. Okay, let's try that ag[sticks his head up and is immediatly hit in the eyes with the bright headlights from an oncoming train] ahhhhh shit! Retinas! Sheered like tuna steaks! All I want is to fight on the top of a train! Is that too much to ask?! [turns off the night vision] The good news is now I'm furious.

If I had to rate this one, I'd give it:

96 out of 100

Awesome! A blast! Why can't all spy shows be this kick ass?! WHY?! I always love how much Archer loves vicious kittens. And I am a sucker for a good Canadian joke or ten. Plus the fight between Bilko and Archer on top of the train is pretty funny.

3.07 - Drift Problem
It is Archer's birthday and his mama gives him a brand new decked out, bullet-proof, Dodge Challenger with machine-guns and anti-pursuit countermeasures in the rear. Archer loves it like he has never loved anything before. It even has a bar in the glove compartment (Archer's freak out when he sees it is amazekittens).

His mom warns him not to lose the car or she will never get him another. He of course loses the car and overreacts by going after the Yakuza, who he thinks have stolen his precious "Genie." He volunteers the ISIS gang to help him and they end up in a fight to the death for what they discover is the wrong culprits.

In the end, we learn that it was his mom who took the car to teach him a lesson, much like she did with his favorite bicycle when he was a young boy (essentially revealing Archer's "Rosebud" that may explain his entire adulthood).

QUOTABLES

As Archer rides the elevator up to the ISIS offices he ponders what kind of celebration awaits him.
Archer: I wonder what the guys in the office have planned for my birthday. I wonder if Fudgie the Whale will be there. Or Cookie Puss. [amused] Cookie Puss. Those guys at Carvel know what they're doing.

Lana demonstrates that Archer's new car is bullet proof by shooting it with her fully automatic weapon of choice. Fred catches a ricocheting bullet to the gut.
Archer: [excited] Holy shit!
Fred: [on the ground and bleeding] Yeah, I'm like a magnet.
Archer: Fred, shut up. [sits in the car] What else does it do?!
Doctor Krieger: Press that red button.
Archer: Wait, is it gonna kill everybody?
Doctor Krieger: Press that blue button.
Voice: Welcome Mr. Archer.
Archer: It does know my name!

While watching the promo video for his new car and seeing all the cool features included, he opines.
Archer: It makes the Mach 5 look like a vagina.

When the glove-box bar is revealed, Archer loses his shit. Then falls in love.
Archer: It's like seeing the face of god.

If I had to rate this one, I'd give it:

85 out of 100

It was fun but coming off the brilliant previous episode it kind of felt a bit flat. Though, the opening with Archer's reactions to the car was excellent.

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ARCHER 3.05: 'El Contador'

Archer's fifth episode of the season but 2nd episode of the... season... and Cyril is an agent now.

The story goes that since Ray got himself paralyzed from the waste down, Malory is forced to promote Cyril to a field agent. This of course doesn't sit well with the other field agents.

Ray: You're taking me out of the field?!
Malory: Well, unless we need someone to go undercover as a shopping cart.

Cyril's first field agent mission is to capture Roman Calzado, a Columbian drug lord, who has a DEA bounty of $1 million.

Lana isn't happy about the shitty mission.

Malory: What are you talking about?! The reward is a million dollars!
Lana: Exactly. And how many drug users could be treated with that money?
Malory: Who cares?!
Lana: Seriously?
Archer: Lana, they'd just go buy a million dollars worth of crack with it.
Lana: You don't give them the money.
Archer: You can't. They'll blow it on crack.
Lana: Oh my god.

Meanwhile, Malory tells the rest of the gang that they will have to take a drug test. Obviously they are all drug users so they need clean urine.

In the jungles of Columbia, Archer, Lana, and Cyril are inserted by helicopter and then argue like a bunch of twits. Archer and Cyril take jabs at each other and Lana can't take any more of it.

Lana: Ahh, Heckel, Jeckel, between us and Calzado's fortified compound, there's about 10 klicks of jungle that I just assume is one giant booby-trap showroom. So shut your dickholes, get your gear, shut-up again, and start walking!

Back at the offices, the gang discusses the drug testing issue. Doctor Krieger tells them that he can sell them an herbal tea cleanse that will give them clean urine. They buy it and drink the horrid tasting shit that eventually results in crazy hallucinations. Krieger records their behavior as if studying lab rats. This story line culminates in Cheryl and Ray wheeling in to Malory's office naked and dropping off their clean urine, while Pam remains on the loose within the building.

Good, now that's out of the way, we can stick with the main story.

Cyril goes missing. Archer and Lana argue about it so loud that they get captured by Calzado's men. When they are brought before Calzado, they discover the Cyril has infiltrated into the organization, pretending to be the accountant of the big boss. Archer and Lana are placed in a prison cell and told they are to be hunted the next day, but not before a tiger in a nearby cell is shot dead, something that is very upsetting to Archer.

Lana: Well, go ahead and say it.
Archer: Say what?
Lana: How since we're gonna die in the morning, we should have sex now.
Archer: After seeing a tiger get murdered, Lana? No offense, but I'm not really in the mood. [long pause] I mean, if you want I can watch while you masturbate. But I can tell you right now, my heart's not gonna be in it. It'll be with that tiger's family. But, go ahead. I mean, start.

The next day, Cyril convinces Calzado to make the human hunt a challenge between the two of them, one going after Lana and the other Archer. He then finds Lana and arms her. They then save Archer and capture Calzado but not before they let Calzado beat the shit out of Cyril (go watch the fucker if you need to know more). When they return back to the ISIS offices, Malory is given the bad news by the DEA that they're not paying for Calzado's capture.

Malory: Because apparently there is no proof that we did.
Lana: We literally handed Calzado to them!
Malory: And in return, did they hand you a signed receipt for the prisoner?
Archer: No, they [pause], oh.
Lana: Oh shit.

If I had to rate this one, I'd give it:

87 out of 100

There was no sex. COME ON! Otherwise, I would have given it a 94.

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ARCHER 3.04: 'The Man From Jupiter'

Yes! I am finally covering this show on this site! I really should have started earlier but here we go.

Episode 3.04, which is really more like 3.01 but FX put out three episodes that essentially closed out the storyline from the end of season 2. Yeah, it's fuckin' weird shit but cable does weird shit like this sometimes and the audience is just conditioned to deal with it so we do.

The story in any ARCHER episode is rarely very compelling but sometimes worth discussing. Usually, I would just treat this show in the same way I did WILFRED, mostly just briefly touching on the plot and then going directly into the most quotable moments of the episode.

In this case, I do have to talk about the special guest star, Burt Reynolds. The story goes that Burt is seeing Archer's mother, which of course is something Archer can't deal with since he has really twisted issues about his mother getting plowed by any man. Things are made worse by Burt being one of Archer's biggest heroes. Still, Archer's mother issues are bigger than his love for the mustached bandit, so he knocks him out and kidnaps him.

The rest of the story is about a Cuban hit squad sent out to assassinate Archer. He thinks it is all bullshit but the ISIS team is sent out to save his stupid ass anyway. When he realizes the hit squad is real, he has to get Burt Reynolds to help him save his friends, who he likes to pretend he doesn't care about but actually does.

Alright! Now to...

QUOTABLES

Archer is smooth talking some girl at a bar about taking her back to his place for some hot tub action.
Girl: Well, I have to wait until my friend comes back from the powder room.
Archer: Well, yeah. Obviously we're gonna wait for her. She's the hot one.

Pam and Cheryl are checking the Internet for Burt Reynolds.
Cheryl: Deliverence. Gator. And this is him in Cosssmoooooo. How totally hot is he?!
Pam: I swear to god you could drown a toddler in my panties right now! I mean, not that you would.

Archer kidnaps Burt Reynolds and ties him up near the hot-tub in his apartment. The two discuss the issue at hand.
Archer: What's odd is you wanting to date my mother.
Burt: Why is that odd?
Archer: Because you're you and she's..
Burt: Beautiful. Smart. Funny. Successful.
Archer: Like one of those. Tops.
Burt: Not to mention drop-dead-sexy.
Woodhouse: Oh dear god, yes!
Archer: Woodhouse!
Woodhouse: I shall fetch a cucumber.

Archer and Burt, armed to the teeth, make their way down to the garage together in the slowest elevator ever made.
Burt: You should get a bat-pole.
Archer: Nine thousand bucks.
Burt: What?
Archer: Lowest quote I got.
Burt: Well, that's ridiculous.
Archer: Basically, just putting a poll where the garbage chute already is but the co-op board was like [in a whiny voice] 'But what do we do with the garbage?'
Burt: Yeah, but you can still throw it down the, whatever, the same shaft.
Archer: I know!
Burt: And then you'll have some garbage to land on.
Archer: If you're coming in hot, I know. It's a win-win.
Burt: And you were going to pay for it yourself.
Archer: Yup.
Burt: No assessment or anything.
Archer: Yup.
Burt: [pause] Ridiculous.
Archer: Preaching to the choir, buddy.

After Burt saves the day, he takes Archer's mother out with the team left behind to bask in the wake of his glory.
Cheryl: Ohhhh Burt Reynolds is so freakin' awesome!
Archer: Yeah, he actually kind of is.
Pam: And I, for one, am gonna go watch 'Hooper' and masturbate 'til my fingers bleed.
Cheryl: Just tape 'em up!

If I had to rate this one, I'd give it:

85 out of 100

Good stuff but they have done better episodes.

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Top 10 Geek Shows You Should Watch

So you call yourselves geeks or fans of shows that are fantasy based?  You buy your tickets to SDCC every year and spend thousands to stand in line all day to see the new X-MEN trailer?  But when I ask you if you watched this show or that you look at me like I just kissed your sister (ignore this one if I just kissed your sister)!

First, let me define the difference between a GEEK and a NERD since this is bound to turn into "that's not a geek show" or "you don't know what you are talking about, nerd!"  Only my opinion matters in this regard since it is my list.  If you don't agree, then you have only yourself to blame.

THE NERD

Loves linear knowledge. Has a shrine to Star Trek and learned to speak Klingon because Shakespeare is better in the original mother tongue.  Spent five years trying to find the meaning behind the numbers on LOST and has 500 JPEGs of the images that are shown at each FRINGE commercial break, looking for patterns in what has to be code.  Consumed by the logic of things and uses terms like "derivative" and "pedantic" when their entertainment pays homage, because the nerd doesn't require anyone to validate their love for things.  As a scientist or engineer, is likely to be more on the development side of things because making things work is more interesting than the concept.  Give one a manual and watch them devour it.


THE GEEK

Loves collecting stuff!  Has watched Star Wars at least once a week since 1977 because of light sabers and droids and the Force and Han shooting first and Jawas and space battles and the JEDI!  Didn't learn to speak any particular fantasy language (except maybe a few choice words or terms) but can do a mean Yoda or Jabba impression and can twirl a lightsaber like one of those prequel Jedi.  Loves to quote lines from their favorite shows.  Consumed by the potential of things and "geeks out" when a show pays homage, because the geek is at the core a social bug.  As a scientist or engineer, enjoys the research side more because coming up with concepts for technology is far more interesting than making sure it works.  Give one a manual and watch the perplexed look on their face.


Here are the top 10 Geek shows... that you should watch:

10. SOUTH PARK (1997-Present) - It is animated, edgy, pop cultury, hilarious and even after over fourteen seasons, still relevant (unlike that show on FOX with the spiky haired brat).  The fact that they can make these episodes in less than a week and have them ready for airing also means it is the only show that can take an immediate current event and lampoon it before the ink is dry on your Sunday paper (people still read those, right?).

9. THE IT CROWD (2006-Present) - A show from the UK that is full of pop culture and geek centric themes.  Only a true geek would love it.  While it plays around with the world of information technology, it only does so on the surface, focusing more on the comedy of outcasts.

8. SPACED (1999-2001) - Another UK show.  Made by geeks, for geeks, about geeks.  Though made way back in the day (over 10 years ago), it still feels current as the generational themes haven't shifted all that much in geek world.  It also has the most amazing "gun fight" ever put to film.

7. ARCHER (2009-Present) - Geeks love toys.  Archer has tons of them.  Plus witty writing and crude humor make for win.  The show is wish fulfillment for geeks as Archer can do anyone and anything without suffering too many consequences.  It is also brutal, reference heavy and very quotable.

6. FIREFLY (2002) - Never even made it through a whole season but is worshipped by geeks everywhere for its great characters, fun stories, quick dialogue and geektastic casting.  Though this show aims more for realism than fantasy, it avoids nerdisms by not getting caught up in technicalities.

5. COMMUNITY (2009-Present) - One of those shows that could end up much higher on the list down the line.  It is an orgie of all things geek and more often than not executed masterfully.  It is like every show and yet no show can be compared to it.  Arguably the most geek show ever made.  It is important to note that if you watch just the first few episodes of season 1, then you won't experience what this show has become as the writers went along.  Watch them all or don't bother, the payoff is pretty incredible.

4. CHUCK (2007-2012) - Terrible name for an intoxicatingly lovable show.  This is the ultimate geek fantasy.  Brilliant guy in a dead-end job gets abilities through tech and is suddenly thrust into the spy world.  Assigned a beautiful CIA handler, he falls for her.  And the rest is history.  This show delivers more character progress in 78 episodes (91 will be its final tally) than most shows do in 178.  Plus, how can you not be watching a show where characters hum the Imperial March from Star Wars to gain confidence for a mission?  Or demonstrate proficiency with an Italian accent inspired by Nintendo's Mario?  All in the same episode!  Not to mention one of the most likable casts on television.  If you haven't checked it out yet, you should.  You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

3. QUANTUM LEAP (1989-1993) - Scott Bakula at his best (though, he is pretty great on CHUCK as well).  A never-ending possibility of story lines and shifting characters in every episode, this has to be one of the most challenging acting gigs ever.  Never given its proper respect due to being too sci-fi, it lasted just long enough to give us almost everything we ever wanted, with an ending that left us wanting more.

2. LOST (2004-2010) - Not just one of the best geek shows of all time (nerds dig this one too) but one of the best television shows of all time.  Full of sci-fi, fantasy, drama, and humor, along with brilliant writing, it will go down in geek-history as one of the most controversial series finales ever.  Whether you were satisfied at the end or not, that shouldn't change the greatness of the journey.

1. BATTLESTAR GALACTICA (2004-2009) - When it was announced that this 70s series would be re-imagined and that it would change major characters and plot elements around, many raged against it and slammed the miniseries.  But the show went to season, thanks to the UK, and Americans started hearing positive things from their cousins across the pond and suddenly BSG became the most illegally downloaded thing on planet Earth!  And then we saw what those Brits were talking about and the lovefest began.  With its deep social, political, and religious themes, as well as some of the most amazing space battle sequences you will ever see, and major story shifts along the way, this is the best geek show of all time!  That... you should watch.

Your favorite show didn't make the list?  Well, I can be persuaded to add more or even change the list.  Argue for your choices in the comments section.  If I haven't watched your favorite show, I will consider it if you make it sound sexy.  But if your only argument is "YOU SHOULD HAVE INCLUDED FUTURAMA! YOU ARE NOT A GEEK!" then I will just add that show to the "dumbest fans of" list next week.

NOTE TO BABYLON 5 fans: Your show was 10th and SOUTH PARK was 11th on my list but I switched the spots because I haven't watched all of B5 and didn't get as involved in it. I may some day change the rankings once I catch up on shows (like FRINGE). But I didn't feel it was an honest list if I included a show I hadn't finished watching.

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