Review - SOUTH PARK 17.02: 'Informative Murder Porn'

Last week the SOUTH PARK writing core group of one shoved their libertarian bullshit down our throats with a deft hand only a moon-landing-hoax-screaming-besotted-conspiracy-nut and fake-Navy-SEAL who was also once the governor of a Midwestern state could deliver.

In this episode, adults need their investigative murder porn. Kids fight the creeps with content blocking apps. Cable companies suck. No one actually wants DirecTV. Minecraft is about punching trees and building shit.

Here's what our heroic writing core of one was trying to say:

Some of you really love creepy sex shows about people doing creepy sex things to people. It's somehow legal and really popular. Minecraft is about exploring. Burger King changed its name to Fries King even though they make the worst freedom fries on the planet. That last part wasn't in the episode but it's important.

If I had to rate this one, and virtually every popular show on primetime TV says I do, I'd give it:

95 out of 100

Don't bother commenting on this article. I've pre-banned you all.

P.S.

How DO YOU tame a horse in Minecraft? I play Terraria. Actually, don't tell me. I'll figure it out the old fashioned way. Wikipedia.

P.P.S

This episode may actually have been trying to say that the awful things we watch on TV or play in video games don't actually cause us to become terrible people. Maybe it's just a few bad people on the planet who do bad things and we over hype those events due to our 24-hour news cycles which are just entertainment information porn.

Also, cable bundles force you to buy channels you never watch. It's actually how these channels stay in business. So. Is. That. Bad?

I take it back. This was about shoving libertarian ideology down our throats.

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Review - SOUTH PARK 17.01: 'Let Go, Let Gov'

Trey Parker kind-of pushes his quasi-right-wing agenda in the season 17 premiere of SOUTH PARK.

Cartman bitches about the NSA spying on him as he continuously transmits his every thought to the entire Internet. He then infiltrates the NSA to get all their info and share it with the world. Meanwhile the NSA spies on everyone and everything. Also, Alec Baldwin's a douche.

This is Parker's somewhat commentary on Edward Snowden and people who may be overreacting to the information he leaked, since people are already sharing all of their activity with the world. I say somewhat because the story never pulls the trigger on its message, seemingly fearful of saying what it really feels.

What Parker doesn't seem to understand, due to major Big Mac blockage in his brain, is that the people have always shared their lives with those around them. The Internet just makes that sharing wide-scale. The problem is the government's collection of that data and subsequent use of that data against anyone they consider a person of interest, violates basic Constitutional rights. We the people can say whatever we want, wherever we want. The government needs a court order to record it. And those court orders must be available for public scrutiny. At present, that's not how the NSA, and other agencies like it, are operating.

At least right-wingers will have an episode to rub their crotches all over.

If I had to rate this episode, and the NSA agent spying on my every move says I don't, I'd give it:

42 out of 100

Not a good start, but I do love the show and will never quit it! Bring on the hate.

P.S.

This episode only exists because Edward Snowden exposed the government for its Constitution-raping practices. He has made Comedy Central millions.

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Review - SOUTH PARK 16.12: 'A Nightmare on Facetime'

It is Halloween in South Park but not for Stan, in a very special episode.

When Randy invests the family savings in an outdated business model named Blockbuster, his fiscal suicide pact sinks the hopes of his children for a happy Halloween. It also draws the ghosts of video rentals past.

Stan's friends attempt to save his holiday by taking him along via the iPad's Facetime or whatever it is called. I don't own an iPad. I'm not lame. Android OS or death!

Randy begins to lose his shit as ghosts and madness drive him into a SHINING mental breakdown. Meanwhile, Stan is virtually kidnapped, then virtually attempted murdered, and virtually illegally dumped in a landfill by Redbox bandits, but then virtually saved with but a scratch. Though, in the real world SHINING Randy takes over virtual Frankenstein Facetime Stan and goes on a virtual actual rampage. Then Blockbuster burns down. Chicken nuggets.

The moral of the story? The times they are a-changin'. Don't murder your family. Also, streaming videos isn't for everyone. Some people just don't have the bandwidth, especially for high definition videos. After all, how are you going to stream a fuckin' Blu-Ray movie at 1080p via Netflix if you are still using some antiquated shared bandwidth scheme?

Stan: Renting DVDs is more ancient than Madonna's boobs.

If I had to rent this episode, I'd pay $0.25. But if I had to rate it, I'd give it:

83 out of 100

I could totally stream it in 1080p because I have killer Internet service.
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Review - SOUTH PARK 16.11: 'Going Native'

Comedy Central says: "When Butters starts acting out at school, his parents realize it’s time to tell him why he's not like all of the other kids. He must travel to a foreign place to learn the ways of his people. It will be a difficult trip for a young boy to make alone so Butters chooses Kenny to travel with him to the distant and secluded island of Hawaii."

Due to your complaints about my last two reviews, the boss has placed me on a short leash. Therefor, I promise to write a proper breakdown of the episode and stick to established formulas for detailing for you, the viewer, who should have already watched the episode and not need a fuckin' recap, what happened. And in the retelling of what you pieces of monkey shit watched, because you are incapable of retaining even a second of memory, I will be sure to miss NOTHING! Going as far as to quote every single piece of the episode like some fucktarded stenographer whose rapid and accurate skills are on loan from God herself!

Butters goes batshit crazy and starts telling people off. His parents reveal that he is Hawaiian and that he must return to his birth-place to take a walk-about of introspective self realization. Kenny, in an attempt to help is bestest bud in the whole wide world get through his personal journey, accompanies him to the island for the native "ceremony."

Upon arriving, Butters and Kenny are met by locals who take them on a tour of the surrounding area, revealing the beauty and intricacies of the region as well as the importance of being a native, like 20% discounts via the Mahalo points card.

But when the natives learn that the Mahalo points card is to be discontinued, all hell breaks loose and they attack a cruise ship with golf balls. An errant strike by Butters leads to a titanic event that leads to the death of all on board

As the repercussions of the cruise ship sinking materialize, the natives begin to distrust Kenny and demand he perform a canoe trial of courage or some shit. He fails. That bastard. Shit happens.

Butters then gives a rousing speech about what douchebags haole's are (note: a haole is a derogatory term for a white person, especially a non-native to Hawaii). Though he inspires the natives, the sudden realization that port closings means no new vodka shipments which in turn means no more chi-chi consumption quickly deflates the masses.

Meanwhile, as Kenny is revealed to still be among the living, the US Coast Guard arrives and is met with a hail of golf balls. They in turn overreact just a tad by shelling the beach, blowing locals into bloody pieces of guts and American glory. The natives attempt to fight back but without chi-chis what chance do they have?

Fortunately, when Kenny finds Elvis' ghost, the day is saved as the Rock 'N Roll king leads the indestructible one to a cache of vodka. And after Butters gives a speech about Ben Affleck, Kenny arrives with vodka for the chi-chis, ending the war.

Butters and Kenny are both made natives and receive their Mahalo points cards and Butters finds out that Ben Affleck is only with Jennifer Garner, not Lopez. So everything is right with the world.


QUOTES

Butters: But what does being Hawaiian have to do with me acting like an emo-chick on her period?

Butters: Well, if you ask me, the only good haole is a dead haole! With a, with a stick right up his butt-hole, and ah, and his wiener cut off!

Butters: You shouldn't be able to be good looking and be with Jennifer Lopez and be a good director! Alright, alright fine! ARGO is a good movie! There, I admitted it! I told people it didn't hold up but it holds up god darn it! Ben Affleck has everything! Raaaaah!

If I had to rate this episode, and Butters' island smoke monster says I do, then I'd give it:

78 out of 100

Jennifer Garner is so much hotter than Jennifer Lopez.

What did you think?
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Review - SOUTH PARK 16.10: 'Insecurity'

The mailman always rings twice. But what does the UPS man do? All is answered in this week's brand spankin' new episode of SOUTH PARK.

ANALYSIS
Last week some people got mad at me for writing a review that was essentially an analysis of bullshit because I hadn't finished watching the episode because I had to go pick up pizza.

I own that criticism. It was an awful thing to do especially when you consider how much I am paid to write these reviews. It will never happen again. I promise.

Now, this week we get a crazed Cartman (redundant?) putting together a security force to combat the evil USP guy. The subtext is that Obama's Amerukah is full of covert operatives who are spying on your every move.

No?

Shit.

I admit that I am writing this 4 hours before the episode. I apologize and will never do it again. I have turned over a new leaf on-the-spot like Mitt Romney in last week's debate. No one should call me on it and instead just pretend as if everything I said before never happened.

4.5 hours later

I am now actually watching the episode. I swear. And wow. This is pretty good stuff. Thrilling. Genius. So amazing guys. This part where Kyle and Stan makeout is so Obama. Way to go. Civil rights now! Civil rights forever!

For realz this time folks, 4.5 hours later

I will never lie again. Trust me. Everything I said before was just me on the review trail. I can't be held accountable for what I said there. The only thing that matters is what I say now whether I mean it or not. Sure, I could change my mind after you accept me as your reviewer of choice (spoiler: I will definitely change my mind later), but you should just take it on faith or whatever thing helps manipulate you most that this review and everything contained within it is an honest assessment of what I watched.

If I watched it.

Which I did because I wrote a review and you read it.

I swear to the Lords of Kobol that this is being written after watching the episode

When Ike catches his parents fucking like horsemonkeys while playing the old UPS-man game, Cartman decides it must have been rape and jumps into action and installs a high security system. And when the adult men mistakenly think the UPS-man is going around fucking all their wives, they overreact. Also, people order shit from Amazon all the time and then forget about it.

[Copy and paste someone's words from another review, don't cite the source but change a couple of words like you did all through college, don't worry because people are dumb and won't notice.. just remember to delete this note before you click "Publish"]

At some point Mitt Romney's company, Bane, shows up to kidnap the UPS guy and kick the shit out of him for banging wives.

The moral of the episode? That home security systems are a sham! And that Amazon is addictive. And that James Cameron has a song, or that was last week.

QUOTABLES

Announcer: Fake it, with Cialis. It won't make her any hotter but it'll make you not care for up to 3-hours.

Cartman: Think about it. What kind of sane normal person would want to have sex with Kyle's mom?

Cartman: What if I was someone who wanted to rape my mom?!
Dispatcher: You want to rape your mom?

Cartman: Hello? Did you hear me? A rapist is here. He's white.
Dispatcher: Okay. Should we contact the police?
Cartman: Yes you should contact the fuckin' police! My mom's about to get fuckin' raped!

Dispatcher: Try and stay calm. The police are on their way.
Cartman: Well that's nice. Maybe they can bring some cigarettes and Gatorade because the guy's gonna be pretty wiped out! What the fuck?!

Dispatcher Kevin: Wow, that just fucked my head.
Cartman: Yeah. I just fucked your head and the UPS guy just fucked my mom!

Kyle: The Jewish population isn't dying out, fatass, it's growing!
Cartman: (quietly stunned) What?

[type any kind of shit here, no one reads it anyway, it just helps with Google search --remember to delete this too]

RATING
If I had to rate this episode, and the man in brown shorts says I do, then I'd give it:

88 out of 100

It was good. Most likely. I bet it was. But if it wasn't, then the score is 55 out of 100. Unless it was mediocre in which case it is 76 out of 100.

For some reason, this episode made me think of the craziness in this video around the 6:15 mark.

Ike's little drawing sure made the rounds.

See? I watched it this week.
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Review - SOUTH PARK 16.09: 'Raising the Bar'

232 episodes down, infinite number to go.

The question is, do I think they can keep things fresh and cool for another 16 seasons? And was this episode good? Find out after the blahblahblah.

ANALYSIS
Let me start off by saying that I have never watched an episode of whatever this Honey Boo Boo thing is and have only seen maybe 2 scenes by accident from that... thing. So I can't begin to tell you how accurate the portrayal on the show was to the real deal.  That also means I can't fully appreciate the idea behind it but I can at least view it from a perspective of pure entertainment.

In any event, what was this episode trying to say, in case it was trying to say something? Perhaps that the lunacy of modern-day fame extends beyond any notion of taste. Or that taste is truly unmeasurable and that anything can be entertaining. Would Honey Boo Boo's search for the perfect pig heart to blahblahblah be a ratings hit if it wasn't a spoof?

I bet it would.

Or was it actually just an episode about how out-of-control fat we have become as a country and how we are celebrating our obesity by catering to our elephant sizes with wider seats, scooters, and candy corn Oreos?

Yeah. That's the one.

The moral of the story is that fat people should all die. I think. Or exercise. Or that we should shame fat people more than we already do?

Or that James Cameron is an awesomely pompous douche who is smarter and more badass than all of us.

I don't think they had any clue what the moral of the story was when they made it (but I'm sure lots of people think it was "brilliant" because they want it to be). So, fuck it. It was just an episode that had some laughs.

QUOTING SOUTH PARK

Cartman: Dude, how come when we play baseball I always have to be the catcher?
Kyle: Well, because you've got good coordination, sharp reflexes, and you're fuckin' fat.

Cartman: [on his scooter] Yeah, no, this is a problem, Kyle. You gotta make your bathroom accessible for my mobility-scooter or else I won't be able to take a shit in your house.
Kyle: Then take a shit somewhere else!

Token: Kyle, Kyle, I'm trying to make compelling television.
Kyle: You got Randy Newman to do the theme song. You're not trying that hard.

RATING
If I had to rate this episode, and James Cameron's bravery song says I do, then I'd give it:

7.99 out of 100

It made me hungry.  I'm going to get one of those new Domino's pan pizzas, Mountain Dew, and a couple of heart attack sticks.

Bring me my mobility-scooter!
P.S. This review is me lowering my own bar...
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