Review - SOUTH PARK 17.02: 'Informative Murder Porn'

Last week the SOUTH PARK writing core group of one shoved their libertarian bullshit down our throats with a deft hand only a moon-landing-hoax-screaming-besotted-conspiracy-nut and fake-Navy-SEAL who was also once the governor of a Midwestern state could deliver.

In this episode, adults need their investigative murder porn. Kids fight the creeps with content blocking apps. Cable companies suck. No one actually wants DirecTV. Minecraft is about punching trees and building shit.

Here's what our heroic writing core of one was trying to say:

Some of you really love creepy sex shows about people doing creepy sex things to people. It's somehow legal and really popular. Minecraft is about exploring. Burger King changed its name to Fries King even though they make the worst freedom fries on the planet. That last part wasn't in the episode but it's important.

If I had to rate this one, and virtually every popular show on primetime TV says I do, I'd give it:

95 out of 100

Don't bother commenting on this article. I've pre-banned you all.

P.S.

How DO YOU tame a horse in Minecraft? I play Terraria. Actually, don't tell me. I'll figure it out the old fashioned way. Wikipedia.

P.P.S

This episode may actually have been trying to say that the awful things we watch on TV or play in video games don't actually cause us to become terrible people. Maybe it's just a few bad people on the planet who do bad things and we over hype those events due to our 24-hour news cycles which are just entertainment information porn.

Also, cable bundles force you to buy channels you never watch. It's actually how these channels stay in business. So. Is. That. Bad?

I take it back. This was about shoving libertarian ideology down our throats.

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Review - SOUTH PARK 16.12: 'A Nightmare on Facetime'

It is Halloween in South Park but not for Stan, in a very special episode.

When Randy invests the family savings in an outdated business model named Blockbuster, his fiscal suicide pact sinks the hopes of his children for a happy Halloween. It also draws the ghosts of video rentals past.

Stan's friends attempt to save his holiday by taking him along via the iPad's Facetime or whatever it is called. I don't own an iPad. I'm not lame. Android OS or death!

Randy begins to lose his shit as ghosts and madness drive him into a SHINING mental breakdown. Meanwhile, Stan is virtually kidnapped, then virtually attempted murdered, and virtually illegally dumped in a landfill by Redbox bandits, but then virtually saved with but a scratch. Though, in the real world SHINING Randy takes over virtual Frankenstein Facetime Stan and goes on a virtual actual rampage. Then Blockbuster burns down. Chicken nuggets.

The moral of the story? The times they are a-changin'. Don't murder your family. Also, streaming videos isn't for everyone. Some people just don't have the bandwidth, especially for high definition videos. After all, how are you going to stream a fuckin' Blu-Ray movie at 1080p via Netflix if you are still using some antiquated shared bandwidth scheme?

Stan: Renting DVDs is more ancient than Madonna's boobs.

If I had to rent this episode, I'd pay $0.25. But if I had to rate it, I'd give it:

83 out of 100

I could totally stream it in 1080p because I have killer Internet service.
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Review - SOUTH PARK 16.11: 'Going Native'

Comedy Central says: "When Butters starts acting out at school, his parents realize it’s time to tell him why he's not like all of the other kids. He must travel to a foreign place to learn the ways of his people. It will be a difficult trip for a young boy to make alone so Butters chooses Kenny to travel with him to the distant and secluded island of Hawaii."

Due to your complaints about my last two reviews, the boss has placed me on a short leash. Therefor, I promise to write a proper breakdown of the episode and stick to established formulas for detailing for you, the viewer, who should have already watched the episode and not need a fuckin' recap, what happened. And in the retelling of what you pieces of monkey shit watched, because you are incapable of retaining even a second of memory, I will be sure to miss NOTHING! Going as far as to quote every single piece of the episode like some fucktarded stenographer whose rapid and accurate skills are on loan from God herself!

Butters goes batshit crazy and starts telling people off. His parents reveal that he is Hawaiian and that he must return to his birth-place to take a walk-about of introspective self realization. Kenny, in an attempt to help is bestest bud in the whole wide world get through his personal journey, accompanies him to the island for the native "ceremony."

Upon arriving, Butters and Kenny are met by locals who take them on a tour of the surrounding area, revealing the beauty and intricacies of the region as well as the importance of being a native, like 20% discounts via the Mahalo points card.

But when the natives learn that the Mahalo points card is to be discontinued, all hell breaks loose and they attack a cruise ship with golf balls. An errant strike by Butters leads to a titanic event that leads to the death of all on board

As the repercussions of the cruise ship sinking materialize, the natives begin to distrust Kenny and demand he perform a canoe trial of courage or some shit. He fails. That bastard. Shit happens.

Butters then gives a rousing speech about what douchebags haole's are (note: a haole is a derogatory term for a white person, especially a non-native to Hawaii). Though he inspires the natives, the sudden realization that port closings means no new vodka shipments which in turn means no more chi-chi consumption quickly deflates the masses.

Meanwhile, as Kenny is revealed to still be among the living, the US Coast Guard arrives and is met with a hail of golf balls. They in turn overreact just a tad by shelling the beach, blowing locals into bloody pieces of guts and American glory. The natives attempt to fight back but without chi-chis what chance do they have?

Fortunately, when Kenny finds Elvis' ghost, the day is saved as the Rock 'N Roll king leads the indestructible one to a cache of vodka. And after Butters gives a speech about Ben Affleck, Kenny arrives with vodka for the chi-chis, ending the war.

Butters and Kenny are both made natives and receive their Mahalo points cards and Butters finds out that Ben Affleck is only with Jennifer Garner, not Lopez. So everything is right with the world.


QUOTES

Butters: But what does being Hawaiian have to do with me acting like an emo-chick on her period?

Butters: Well, if you ask me, the only good haole is a dead haole! With a, with a stick right up his butt-hole, and ah, and his wiener cut off!

Butters: You shouldn't be able to be good looking and be with Jennifer Lopez and be a good director! Alright, alright fine! ARGO is a good movie! There, I admitted it! I told people it didn't hold up but it holds up god darn it! Ben Affleck has everything! Raaaaah!

If I had to rate this episode, and Butters' island smoke monster says I do, then I'd give it:

78 out of 100

Jennifer Garner is so much hotter than Jennifer Lopez.

What did you think?
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Review - SOUTH PARK 16.10: 'Insecurity'

The mailman always rings twice. But what does the UPS man do? All is answered in this week's brand spankin' new episode of SOUTH PARK.

ANALYSIS
Last week some people got mad at me for writing a review that was essentially an analysis of bullshit because I hadn't finished watching the episode because I had to go pick up pizza.

I own that criticism. It was an awful thing to do especially when you consider how much I am paid to write these reviews. It will never happen again. I promise.

Now, this week we get a crazed Cartman (redundant?) putting together a security force to combat the evil USP guy. The subtext is that Obama's Amerukah is full of covert operatives who are spying on your every move.

No?

Shit.

I admit that I am writing this 4 hours before the episode. I apologize and will never do it again. I have turned over a new leaf on-the-spot like Mitt Romney in last week's debate. No one should call me on it and instead just pretend as if everything I said before never happened.

4.5 hours later

I am now actually watching the episode. I swear. And wow. This is pretty good stuff. Thrilling. Genius. So amazing guys. This part where Kyle and Stan makeout is so Obama. Way to go. Civil rights now! Civil rights forever!

For realz this time folks, 4.5 hours later

I will never lie again. Trust me. Everything I said before was just me on the review trail. I can't be held accountable for what I said there. The only thing that matters is what I say now whether I mean it or not. Sure, I could change my mind after you accept me as your reviewer of choice (spoiler: I will definitely change my mind later), but you should just take it on faith or whatever thing helps manipulate you most that this review and everything contained within it is an honest assessment of what I watched.

If I watched it.

Which I did because I wrote a review and you read it.

I swear to the Lords of Kobol that this is being written after watching the episode

When Ike catches his parents fucking like horsemonkeys while playing the old UPS-man game, Cartman decides it must have been rape and jumps into action and installs a high security system. And when the adult men mistakenly think the UPS-man is going around fucking all their wives, they overreact. Also, people order shit from Amazon all the time and then forget about it.

[Copy and paste someone's words from another review, don't cite the source but change a couple of words like you did all through college, don't worry because people are dumb and won't notice.. just remember to delete this note before you click "Publish"]

At some point Mitt Romney's company, Bane, shows up to kidnap the UPS guy and kick the shit out of him for banging wives.

The moral of the episode? That home security systems are a sham! And that Amazon is addictive. And that James Cameron has a song, or that was last week.

QUOTABLES

Announcer: Fake it, with Cialis. It won't make her any hotter but it'll make you not care for up to 3-hours.

Cartman: Think about it. What kind of sane normal person would want to have sex with Kyle's mom?

Cartman: What if I was someone who wanted to rape my mom?!
Dispatcher: You want to rape your mom?

Cartman: Hello? Did you hear me? A rapist is here. He's white.
Dispatcher: Okay. Should we contact the police?
Cartman: Yes you should contact the fuckin' police! My mom's about to get fuckin' raped!

Dispatcher: Try and stay calm. The police are on their way.
Cartman: Well that's nice. Maybe they can bring some cigarettes and Gatorade because the guy's gonna be pretty wiped out! What the fuck?!

Dispatcher Kevin: Wow, that just fucked my head.
Cartman: Yeah. I just fucked your head and the UPS guy just fucked my mom!

Kyle: The Jewish population isn't dying out, fatass, it's growing!
Cartman: (quietly stunned) What?

[type any kind of shit here, no one reads it anyway, it just helps with Google search --remember to delete this too]

RATING
If I had to rate this episode, and the man in brown shorts says I do, then I'd give it:

88 out of 100

It was good. Most likely. I bet it was. But if it wasn't, then the score is 55 out of 100. Unless it was mediocre in which case it is 76 out of 100.

For some reason, this episode made me think of the craziness in this video around the 6:15 mark.

Ike's little drawing sure made the rounds.

See? I watched it this week.
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Review - SOUTH PARK 16.09: 'Raising the Bar'

232 episodes down, infinite number to go.

The question is, do I think they can keep things fresh and cool for another 16 seasons? And was this episode good? Find out after the blahblahblah.

ANALYSIS
Let me start off by saying that I have never watched an episode of whatever this Honey Boo Boo thing is and have only seen maybe 2 scenes by accident from that... thing. So I can't begin to tell you how accurate the portrayal on the show was to the real deal.  That also means I can't fully appreciate the idea behind it but I can at least view it from a perspective of pure entertainment.

In any event, what was this episode trying to say, in case it was trying to say something? Perhaps that the lunacy of modern-day fame extends beyond any notion of taste. Or that taste is truly unmeasurable and that anything can be entertaining. Would Honey Boo Boo's search for the perfect pig heart to blahblahblah be a ratings hit if it wasn't a spoof?

I bet it would.

Or was it actually just an episode about how out-of-control fat we have become as a country and how we are celebrating our obesity by catering to our elephant sizes with wider seats, scooters, and candy corn Oreos?

Yeah. That's the one.

The moral of the story is that fat people should all die. I think. Or exercise. Or that we should shame fat people more than we already do?

Or that James Cameron is an awesomely pompous douche who is smarter and more badass than all of us.

I don't think they had any clue what the moral of the story was when they made it (but I'm sure lots of people think it was "brilliant" because they want it to be). So, fuck it. It was just an episode that had some laughs.

QUOTING SOUTH PARK

Cartman: Dude, how come when we play baseball I always have to be the catcher?
Kyle: Well, because you've got good coordination, sharp reflexes, and you're fuckin' fat.

Cartman: [on his scooter] Yeah, no, this is a problem, Kyle. You gotta make your bathroom accessible for my mobility-scooter or else I won't be able to take a shit in your house.
Kyle: Then take a shit somewhere else!

Token: Kyle, Kyle, I'm trying to make compelling television.
Kyle: You got Randy Newman to do the theme song. You're not trying that hard.

RATING
If I had to rate this episode, and James Cameron's bravery song says I do, then I'd give it:

7.99 out of 100

It made me hungry.  I'm going to get one of those new Domino's pan pizzas, Mountain Dew, and a couple of heart attack sticks.

Bring me my mobility-scooter!
P.S. This review is me lowering my own bar...
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Review - SOUTH PARK 16.08: 'Sarcastaball'

The 8th episode in this 16th season, and the 231st in the series, comes only FIVE MONTHS after the previous episode because these silly cable networks like to space these things apart to extend the length of seasons without ordering more episodes.

What dicks.

THE PLOT
Randy becomes concerned about rules changes meant to stop concussions in football and takes action to change the game forever by making sarcastic suggestions in a PTA meeting that the board takes seriously. It then appoints Randy as head of his new type of football where the players wear bras and tinfoil-hats instead of helmets. Also, instead of a ball the game is played with a balloon. And the player who catches the balloon tries to run while all the other players hug.

He names it Sarcastaball.

Unfortunately for Randy, his sarcasm totally falls on dumb ears. The country happily and excitedly takes to this new sport. And Butters give a rallying speech about a kinder gentler game.

The NFL Broncos then hire Randy to coach the team and newly changed game-play.

Later, Butters has a wet dream and we learn he saves his creamy goo (what the fuck is he going to do with it?!). When Cartman worries that he just doesn't have the creamy goo fortitude to be good at Sarcastaball, Butters shares with him his goo which Cartman slurps up enthusiastically.

We also get a timely jab at the replacement referee problem, proving yet again why SOUTH PARK is the most unique show on television, able to put something that just happened into the show.

Anyway, so Randy becomes so consumed by Sarcastaball that he can't stop being sarcastic. Others have the same problem. The sport is turning everyone into fuckin' sarcastic douchebags!

Meanwhile, the little boys' team is drinking Butters' performance enhancing spank juice to get an edge over the competition. Soon the whole country is on Butters' Creamy Goo. Best served just above room temperature.

QUOTING SOUTH PARK

Stan: Dad, do we really have to wear bras?
Randy: [sarcastically] Yes Stan, this is what people want. Don't worry, you look really cool.

Butters: [upon waking up] Daaaaad! It happened again. More of my creamy goo came out.

Cartman: I don't know what to do. Kids are starting to make fun of me because I'm no good at Sarcastaball. I suck at being nice and polite! I am so good at sucking, I should work at a Thai massage parlor.

Butters: [showing Cartman his spunk collection] My goo doesn't come out every night, but I sure do seem to have a surplus of it.

Randy: [after drinking Butters' Creamy Goo] This is cum.

Butters: What's sarcasm and what's cum?
Stephen: We'll talk about that when you're older.

RATING
If I had to rate this episode, and Butter's Creamy Goo says I do, then I'd give it:

88 out of 100

The episode was obviously a shot at the pussification of the NFL as well as the replacement referee problem and PEDs. But also a social commentary on the evils of sarcasm! As such it definitely works. Sure, the point of it all is hammered along a bit too much but when you consider that these things are conceptualized, written, voice acted, and animated in a week, it becomes more impressive.

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Review - SOUTH PARK 16.07: 'Cartman Finds Love'

In this show's mid-season finale, Cartman has decided to let a special someone know exactly how he feels.

Plot
When a new girl, Nicole, arrives at the school and joins the cheerleading squad, the boys are all very excited. And being that she is black, Cartman is especially excited since this means he can torment Token with suggestions of a love tryst since, in his racist mind, their shared race is an automatic match.

During one early sequence, as Cartman annoys Token, we hear Mr. Garrison giving the kids a history lesson that is mostly a discussion of the complexities of GAME OF THRONES. This made me chuckle at first but then I became really worried he was going to spoil something this season, or in later books. Thankfully, that didn't happen but it reminds us that this nutjob is a horrible teacher who is allowed to shape the minds of impressionable children.

Cartman decides to instigate the relationship himself by telling some of the girls that Token has a crush on Nicole. But when Nicole admits she has a crush on Kyle, Cartman is (geek?) furious. So he does the most logical thing and tells Nicole that Kyle and him are lovers. He then orchestrates a plan that puts Nicole and Token together just as Kyle reveals his interest in her.

We then get a musical montage about love as performed by Cartman and his imaginary love angel, Cupid Cartman. It is kind of strange to see the little fat dude so interested in a romantic pairing. You'd almost think he, dare I say, cares about them. But only the uninitiated could possibly believe in such nonsense. Cartman is at best pure evil.

When Kyle confronts Cartman about his lies and his racist ways, we also discover that Cartman has done this before. This sicko is pairing people together by race like some tiny whale Hitler! And at dinner, Nicole's father worries about her dating the one black kid in the school and suggests should expand her options, an interesting bit of bigotry in its own right... err, wrong.

When Nicole discovers a disturbing message on the collar of a stuffed animal Token has seemingly given her ("To My Boo, 'Cuz Blacks Belong Together"), she ends things with him. When Cartman finds out, he's an emotional wreck, and beats Cupid Cartman with a baseball bat. But he soon revives his other half when he's inspired to reignite the fire in his racist-formed relationship. By that point, Kyle has already asked Nicole out and the two go to a NBA game, one that Token is also attending.

Cartman interrupts the game on the big megatron to give a message of love and hope and is so hellbent on putting Nicole and Token back together that he asks a horrified and angry Kyle to go back out with him. As the arena crowd cheers them on, Kyle tells Nicole the truth. She and Token then discuss their racist ways and decide to stay together even though everyone will think they are together because they are black.

Cartman is in racist heaven having masterminded this pairing, until Cupid Cartman reveals who he thinks is Cartman's perfect match: the fattest most gross looking girl in the history of mankind.

Quotables

Mr. Garrison: Token, is there a problem?
Cartman: Ahh, he's just a little sick, Mr. Garrison. He's got boneritis.

Cartman: The thing is, me and Kyle are kind of, you know, together.
Nicole: Ohhh.
Cartman: Yeah, he's my man.

Cartman: Just stay away from my man, bitch.

Cartman: Love is like taking a dump, Butters. Sometimes it works itself out. But sometimes (pause) you gotta give it a nice hard slimy push.

Kyle: Just because two people are the same race doesn't mean they belong together, you fat racist piece of shit!

Kyle: You are going to tell everyone that you lied and that we aren't a couple!
Cartman: Why, Kyle? So you can try to ruin things for Token and Nicole? Look at how happy they are! (pause for a shot of the happy couple together) Is it that you want to ruin that, or are you just homophobic?
Kyle: God dammit!

Nicole's Mother: Here, have some more turkey.
Nicole's Father: Yeah, just try the white meat. I know it's a little dry, but there's a lot more of it.

Cartman: (beating Cupid Cartman) Take your sunshine and fuckin' die!

Kyle: That fat turd up there is the one who set up you and Token 'cuz he thinks blacks belong together!

Rating
If I had to rate this episode, and Cartman's future lovechild says I do, then I'd give it:

84 out of 100

Philosophical about the notion of racism, bigotry, perception, and whether a deed brought on by evil can still have beneficial results. I don't know if Trey Parker and Matt Stone intended for this to be a commentary on eugenics experiments, but one could definitely read such things into this episode. Or am I injecting more genius into this one than intended? That's always possible. It could just be an episode about Cartman putting the two right people together.... via racism.

That's a mindfuck!

I enjoyed the episode but didn't feel like it went above and beyond the expectations of the small minded fuckbag types who likely hated last week's counterculture episode. So, I am sure the average viewer will love the shit out of this one, hence why I must lower its overall grade. Fuckin' poseurs.

Sadly, there were no references to Stan jacking it in San Diego, so this review will not receive as many hits as the last two.

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Review - SOUTH PARK 16.06: 'I Should Have Never Gone Ziplining'

The boys' ziplining adventure becomes a terrifying experience.

PLOT
Presented like one of those dramatic biographical shows with interviews of those involved and video or reenactments, the episode follows the day-in-the-life of our favorite little 8-year olds (are they still 8 after 16 seasons?).

The boys decide to go ziplining when playing video games and swimming in the city pool with herpes gets boring. When they end up with a tour group of zipliners, the boys have to fake being nice, watch a safety video, and then get on a 45 minute shuttle ride that ends up taking 2-hours. The horror. And likely terrible taste in using the Challenger explosion video from 1986 in a montage of lame shuttle rides. Come on, guys. Too soon! Too fuckin' soon!

After hours of waiting, shuttling, tree lessons, and more babbling, the boys finally get to zipline. And it sucks ass. They aren't remotely impressed and find themselves having to wait for the rest of the group, which for little boys is excruciating. When everyone has finished ziplining and the boys think they are finally going home, they are told the tour goes for another 16 zipline runs. What follows is nothing but a massive mess of misery that includes songs, pictures, more stories, boring ziplining, and the boys screaming in horror.

But what the boys don't know is that inside Cartman's stomach, hell is brewing! When his diarrhea goes out of control from over-consumption of evil foods and beverages, the boys try to escape via horseback but end up with yet another tour group, thereby extending their trip from hell at 4mph.

When the boys find a boat and try to make their escape at 5mph, a live-action reenactment takes place as adult actors portray the animated version of the boys. This includes thunderous projectile diarrhea, vomiting, and beaver attacks. Not to mention Kenny's horrific herpes problem and its ability to jump to the lips of the other three boys... for life! And then the unthinkable happens. Kenny dies... of boredom.

You bastards!

Cartman and Kyle fight about who is responsible for Kenny's death until Stan finally fesses up. It was his idea to go ziplining because if he signed up three friends, he could get a free iPod Nano.

Just as things are looking bleak, Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo comes to save them. Though, his cuteness is really lost in the live-action translation, I must say.

In the end, Kyle spends time in the hospital recovering from fecal matter in his nose. Stan goes back to jacking it in San Diego. And Cartman goes back to drinking Diet Double Dew.

QUOTABLES

Kyle: We could go to the city pool. They have a water-slide.
Cartman: No, no, no, I'm not getting in the pool with Kenny, he has herpes.
Kenny: (muffled) What?!
Cartman: Look at his lip. You got herpes, dude.
Kenny: (muffled) It's not herpes, it's a cold-sore.
Cartman: No, cold-sore is what girls call it, Kenny. It's actually herpes.

Cartman: Heh, did you hear that guys? Kenny says it's just a fever-blister. Heh heh. You sound like a chick, Kenny! That's herpes, dude. You got that shit 'til you die!

Narrator: Inside Kyle's mouth, the muscles contract to force a smile, even though in his brain, Kyle is thinking 'Dude, fuck you!'

Narrator: But what the boys don't realize is that a massive storm is brewing. Last night, Eric Cartman had Kung Pao Spaghetti from California Pizza Kitchen. Inside Eric's stomach, the Kung Pao has just met with the Del Taco he ate for breakfast. It has already started to tear down the layers of BBQ BK Toppers that have been building up for months. And now, to compensate for all the annoying tourists, Eric is ingesting massive amounts of Mountain Dew. The caffeine and sugar turns the sooty fast-food liquid in his stomach into a toxic gas. When the gas is released, it carries with it tiny particles of Eric's fecal matter. Fecal matter which floats up and into Kyle's nasal passage.

Kyle: (yelling across the ravine) Well, how was it, Cartman?!
Cartman: (yelling back) It's totally fuckin' stupid, dude!
Stan: (disappointed) Oh, really?
Cartman: (yelling) Yeah, dude. It's fuckin' boring as shit.

Narrator: But what the boys don't realize is that Eric's body is already shutting down from stage 4 diarrhea. Inside his stomach, bile has just dislodged in Arby's Ultimate Angus. In the average human, this would only cause mild diarrhea. But Eric Cartman is now drinking Double Dew, a Mountain Dew product with twice the sugar and caffeine of regular Mountain Dew. His rancid feces is now rapidly converting to a thick paste. The diarrhea shoots out of Eric's anus and into his underwear. Eric Cartman is a ticking time-bomb.
Kyle: Dude! Did you just shit your pants?!
Cartman: Mmmmmm... no?

Narrator: An attempt to make a bad day better becomes a descent into madness on 'I Should Have Never Thought Horseback Riding Would Be Any Better Than Ziplining.'

Kyle Reenactor: Because we keep getting screwed over by your diarrhea!
Cartman Reenactor: Well, it's not my diarrhea's fault that you took us all ziplining, you fuckin' Jew!
Kyle Reenactor: Ziplining was your idea, fatass!

Narrator: Kenny McCormick has died of boredom.
Kyle Reenactor: Oh my god. They killed Kenny. You bastards!
Cartman Reenactor: No, not they, you! Look what your ziplining idea has done. You killed Kenny. You're the bastard!
Kyle Reenactor: It wasn't my idea, it was yours! You killed Kenny! You bastard!

Kyle: How many iPod Nano's is friendship worth? I guess one.
Stan: (crying) The hardest part about it is knowing you can't take it back. I mean, it was a fifth generation Nano so I can't trade it in anywhere.

Narrator: After nearly four hours in the Colorado wilderness, the boys are finally going home. From the boat, the boys were airlifted aboard Mr. Hankey's Magical Helicrapter. In the four hours since they had left home, the boys had traveled so far that Mr. Hankey then had to fly them on his Seven-Turdy-Seven. From there, it was only an hour ride back home, on the Poo Choo Express.

Cartman: It's diet, dude. Diet soda doesn't give you diarrhea.

RATING
If I had to rate this episode, and Cartman's time traveling Wii thinks I should, I'd give it:

96 out of 100

An episode about the most boring day in the life of a bunch of kids somehow became one of the craziest episodes this show has ever done... and I loved every second of it.

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Quicky Review - SOUTH PARK 16.05: 'Butterballs'

I skipped reviewing the show last week because it didn't motivate me much. This week I am reviewing it because I want to try out something different.

PLOT
Butters is getting bullied... by his grandmother.

The school has an assembly, set up by Bucky Bailey's Bully Buckers, to increase awareness... and create a platform for Bucky to bully little kids.

Stan creates an anti-bullying video complete with song and dance and a catchphrase of "Make bullying kill itself" with Butters as the reluctant poster-child.

Kyle worries that Stan is going Kony on the video thingy. When Stan's video gets popular and bought by a movie company, Bucky claims ownership and bullies Stan. Bucky then gets bullied by the movie company.

Butters and Stan go on Dr. Oz. Butters turns psycho and attacks. The movie studio dude goes crazyballs on Stan, but is later met by Jesus in the bathroom, who bullies him.

Butters eventually stands up to his gramma and Stan gets bullied at school for making a bullcrap bullying video. So Stan goes to San Diego and jacks it.

QUOTABLES

Gramma: You narc again and you're fuckin' dead! Fuckin' dead, you got it?!

Kyle: Don't! Don't act for me, Stan. Really! Because every minute I'm watching this video become less about awareness and more about you.
Stan: Kyle, I'm trying to make a difference.
Kyle: Okay. Just be careful you don't end up naked and jacking it in San Diego.
Stan: What the hell does that mean?

Gramma: Oh look, it's Captain Pussy.

Dr. Oz: We all know that bullying has become an epidemic. Like AIDS, bullying is escalating and is spread mostly by penises.

Butters: (to gramma in bed) Some day you're gonna die. Some day pretty soon. And when you're laying in that hospital bed, with tubes up your nose, and that little pan under your butt to pee, I'll come visit you. I'll come just to show you that, that I'm still alive and I'm still happy. And you'll die. Be nothing but you. (happily) Goodnight, gramma!

RATING
If I had to rate this, and the Lords of Kobol say I do, then I'd give it:

80 out of 100

It was a bit too on-the-nose as a message episode. Though, the final musical number about jacking-it in San Diego made the episode better. Without it, I would have given it a 68.

FYI, "jacking it in San Diego" is a reference to Kony 2012 director Jason Russel's naked meltdown in San Diego.

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Review - SOUTH PARK 16.03: 'Faith Hilling'

This week, SOUTH PARK tackles a very serious subject that may change the planet as we know it.

I wonder if Matt Stone and Trey Parker are prepared to accept the blood that is on their hands now that they have created several deadly memes. Spoiler. The episode is about memes.

AND WHAT AN EPISODE IT IS!

In what mandkind will some day call the definitive episode of television about the early 2000s, our little band of poorly animated kiddies tackle: Faith Hilling; the incredibly deadly Tebowing; Taylor Swifting; Oh Long Johnsoning; Bradying; cats taking over the world; and the republican debates.

QUOTABLES

TV Anchor: First there was planking: People taking pictures of themselves in a plank position and putting the photos on the Internet. Planking was soon replaced by owling. And after the Super Bowl, by Bradying. But the newest meme involves pulling the shirt out to look like boobs. It’s called ‘Faith Hilling’ and all around the world people are doing it. Kids, adults, even some notable celebrities are getting into the act. But as Faith Hilling becomes more and more popular, the question on everyone's mind: who will be the first to die doing it?

Host: These youths paid with their lives for Tebowing. When they posed for pictures, they should have remembered there are only three approved memes: peace sign; bunny ears; fake wiener.

Kid #2: Oh God. Faith Hilling is so February 2012.
Stan: Saying something is so 2000 and anything is so 2009, you stupid asswipe!

Professor: If cats are putting slices of bread on their heads and taking pictures, they’re proving to be almost as intelligent as we are.

If I had to rate this episode, and I do, I'd give it:

96 out of 100

Totally brilliant. Why are you reading this anyway? Go watch the episode!

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Review - SOUTH PARK 16.01: 'Reverse Cowgirl'

"Now little Clyde's mother is dead. And the blood is on his penis."

One of the things that has kept me returning to this show for sixteen seasons, after abandoning other shows long before getting close to that number (I don't get what you people still find interesting about the SIMPSONS) is that it takes real world issues and pounces on them like a ferocious honey badger from hell. And over the years, it has only gotten more controversial, not less. I'd also say the show has become more relevant.

Part of that relevancy can be attributed to the fact that SOUTH PARK is written, animated, voice acted, edited, and released in the span of a week. Whereas other animated shows take MONTHS to complete one episode. That gives this show the ability to tackle current topics within days of them becoming news items.

This season premiere doesn't tackle a current news item exactly, but it does use the well known complaint by women about men leaving the toilet seat up to blast government overreaction to sudden deadly events and specifically the TSA.

When Clyde's mom is killed after falling into the toilet because he couldn't remember to put the toilet seat down, the TSA (toilet safety administration) swoops in with new government regulations and violates everyone's autonomy with their seat-belt and ass inspection laws.

Cartman, in his usually ignorant extremist mindset, comes up with a solution: remove the ability to raise and lower the toilet seat. The women resist because men pee on the seat but suggest men could agree to sit down to pee, solving the problem. But the men resist this suggestion because it prevents them from cutting their poo with their urine.

Eventually, the entire town sues the inventor of the toilet, Sir John Harrington, who has been dead for hundreds of years, by way of a swindling lawyer's sue-ance. But when the spirit of Clyde's mom pops in the courtroom to reveal the truth, Harrington's spirit arrives and tells everyone they've been using his toiler incorrectly. Apparently you are supposed to straddle it the opposite way, so you can use the little shelf for your books and chocolate milk.

Also, that hole in the bathroom stall is for your laundry, not your man parts. Sorry porn.

If I had to rate this one, I'd give it:

82 out of 100

It was funny and nutty like the show likes to be but it has definitely done better episodes.

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