Review - WILFRED 2.10: 'Honesty'

Tackling a plot point from the previous season, Ryan and Wilfred try to help Jenna elevate her career following her "squishy tits" meltdown.

We discover that Ryan's company was burned by insider spying. His dad takes the case and Squishy Tits asks Ryan if he can talk to his dad to get her an exclusive, helping her troubled career.

Meanwhile, when Wilfred gets scratched by a cat, he kidnaps a bunch of kitties as payback. Ryan sees this as an opportunity help Jenna without having to talk to his dad. But when the story doesn't inspire Jenna, Ryan lies about having talked to his father for her.

Later, Jenna calls Ryan to tell him that she received an email with proof that a maniac has kidnapped the cats and will send her a video of their murder. Clearly Wilfred is the culprit, though since this is all some craycray manifestation of Ryan's mind, his guilt-ridden loony mind is the twisted catnaper.

But at least Tits has her big story now.

Since Ryan can't confess the truth to Jenna about his part in her on-air meltdown, he goes with the more logical option and makes the cat-killer video. But when Wilfred isn't happy with the creative process, he sends Jenna some artsty version in its place. She doesn't react well to that and tells Ryan it is the end of her career which forces him to admit the truth to stop her from quitting. Jenna reacts badly to the news.

The lesson? LIVE THE LIE! The truth will not set you free. Though, it will free up some me-time since no one will be your friend.

Actually, by knowing the truth Jenna is able to put together a serious story about drugs that look like candy. She then confessed to Ryan that she used him because of his crush for her. They hug. All ends well.

QUOTABLES

Ryan: What the hell is going on? Why are their cats in a pit in my basement?!
Wilfred: Why, Ryan? Because they took everything from me!

Wilfred: Do you remember the scratch on my face, Ryan?
Ryan: The one that's still there? Yes.

Wilfred: Well who's meowing now, bitches?!
Ryan: There's six cats in there. Which one scratched you?
Wilfred: Does it matter, Ryan? They've all scratched someone!

Ryan: Maybe there'll be a feel good ending. Like all the cats are found safe.
Wilfred: Or sex-butchered by a psychopath.

Ryan: There is no cat-killer video! Jenna is gonna be humiliated all over again. And this time she'll give up her dream!
Wilfred: Well maybe she wouldn't be so hard on herself if someone came clean and told her she's not responsible for destroying her own career!
Ryan: [disgusted] We're making the cat-killer video aren't we?
Wilfred: We are!

If I had to rate this episode, and a set of tits that go squish say I do, then I'd give it:

90 out of 100

Wilfred's meltdown during their attempt at shooting the cat-killer video should become an Internet meme any day now... well, it would if anyone on this goddam planet had any goddam sense! You're not goddam children anymore! You're goddam grownups! Make your goddam meme now! You goddam sluts!

Please have your cats put down before it's too late.

I can't believe I almost wrote a review.

UPDATE! Now with the cat-video shoot meltdown video (until FX takes it down).

- Watch More Funny Videos

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Rating Wilfred 2.08: 'Truth'

Why do you think no dogs died in the Holocaust? Because we knew it was coming. -- Wilfred

FX says: Wilfred's nemesis makes an offer that rocks Ryan's world.

I say: We don't have In-N-Out Burger here in the NYC area. That sucks. We don't even have Chick-fil-A here for me to protest in front of or anything. Hell, we don't seem to have ANY fast food restaurant with a hyphenated name!

Wilfred: Do you not hear me, man?! Doomsday is upon us! A massive apocalyptic nightmare so unimaginable, grown men will weep like children. And the children that they weep like will eat other children. Oceans will boil over. And fiery death will rain from the skies! AND THE GROOOOOUND WILL SHAKE UNTIL THE EARTH ITSELF WILL BE GLEANED INTO TWO!

95 out of 100

Thought provoking and disturbing on some level but with little bits of tasty goodness just around each corner.

What do you think?

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Review - WILFRED 2.07: 'Avoidance'

FX says: Wilfred and Ryan's friendship is threatened during a sticky encounter.

• Ryan's former friend, James, reenters his life.
• Ryan discovers he is not Wilfred's best friend.
• We discover that Wilfred's first time was with a badly injured accident victim.
• We get a dance montage with Ryan and Wilfred.
• Wilfred manipulates Ryan into... manipulating him all over Ryan.
• There's remnants of Wilfred juice all over Ryan's face.
• Ryan and Wilfred argue as the doggie tries to get more treats.
• Eventually Ryan finds out that Wilfred's idea of a treat isn't a hand-job.
• Apparently Wilfred has been ejaculating all over Ryan's house and in the mayonnaise jar.
• Ryan and Lando hash things out.

QUOTING WILFRED

Wilfred: Ryan, where are you going?! Wait, is this because I jizz blasted you?

Wilfred grabs Ryan.
Ryan: What are you doing?!
Wilfred: (forcefully) I'm dancing! And after we dance, I get my treat (makes a jerking off motion with his hand)!

Ryan talking on the phone to Amanda about going to Comic-Con.
Ryan: No, I'd dress up. I could totally pass as Harry Potter.

Ryan: Goddammit, Wilfred! I will not let you ejaculate all over me again! (noticing a neighbor walking by) Hi, Sara.

Wilfred: Wait, that's what's been bothering you this whole time? You thought I wanted you to rip the neck off it?

RATING
If I had to rate this episode, and a blast of jizz says I do, then I'd give it:

92 out of 100

Gets an extra 5 points for the Harry Potter joke since Elijah Wood and Daniel Radcliffe have something of a history of being mistaken for the other. An overall funny episode with some grossness tossed in. We also get a bit more of background on Ryan's issues with his dad. And the episode ends on a Ryan/Wilfred dance routine, followed by a blowjob prank. Does it get any better than that?

What did you think?

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Review - WILFRED 2.06: 'Control'

I didn't review last week's episode of WILFRED because I hated it. So does this week's please me more?

Amanda and Jenna meet. A video of a wasted Jenna goes viral as 'Squishy Tits'. Ryan has a couple's dinner party. Things go badly. Amanda then tells everyone her very sad and gory dog story. And Wilfred finally gets to "meet" her.

QUOTING WILFRED

Wilfred: Come on treasure. I know you're under there somewhere, you dick!

Jenna: They just played 'Squishy Tits' on Howard Stern!

Ryan: What are you doing here?
Wilfred: (holding a box) I brought desert. I found it in the most charming little French bakery's dumpster.
Ryan: (opening the box) There's nothing in here.
Wilfred: Of course there is. There's a giant grease stain. And a smidge of crusty whipped cream. I've already chewed up four of these boxes this week. After tonight I swear I'm going on a cleanse.

Wilfred: Yes, Bear. I heard you the first time. Six beers and Amanda is finally starting to look bone-able. Volume, Bear. Volume!

Jenna: I don't know if you've heard but there's this Internet video that's sort of ruining my life right now.
Amanda: (lying) Oh n... uh no. I haven't heard anything about it.
Drew: I'll send you the link.

If I had to rate this episode, and I don't want to, I'd give it:

77 out of 100

Not many lines of fun dialogue and the story just didn't work all that well. At least they didn't do something TV-stupid and make Amanda break up with Ryan, because in the real world shit like that doesn't happen just because your significant other lied to you. Well, unless the sex is bad.

I guess Ryan is okay in bed.

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Quoting WILFRED - 2.03: 'Dignity'

FX says: Wilfred's popularity makes problems for Ryan.

What happens when Ryan takes Wilfred to his job and the little rascal becomes a hit, then abuses that love and makes the meat-puppets miserable? Watch the episode to find out. This week, I'm not reviewing shit. I'm quoting it.

Wilfred: Why can't I go with you?
Ryan: I can't take a dog to the office.
Wilfred: (pointing at a cage) So you're just gonna leave me in that thing? Like some guy caged up like some animal?

Stacy: Oh my god! He's so cute!
Wilfred: (excitedly) And you, darlin', are a 9.5. Out of 20!

Wilfred: Sounds like somebody wants to see my balls.

Wilfred: Is anyone else concerned that there's a stale, half-eaten Wheat Thin under this desk?

Wilfred: This is no joke. I'm an office dog. It's my duty to entertain and amuse. And if I can't do it, they'll bring in some foosball table who can!
Ryan: Yeah. And in this economy, there's plenty of hungry young tables that'll work for nothing.
Wilfred: Suck my dick, Ryan.

Wilfred: I hereby tender my resignation as office dog.
Ryan: Well, it'll be a pretty big blow to the company. Don't forget to schedule an exit-interview with the (points) snow globe.

Wilfred: Those idiots wouldn't know adorable if it cornered them in a holding cell and raped them with a plunger handle. That reminds me, Bear? Can you pick up a plunger before our next date-night?

Wilfred: You don't fool me, Ryan. You may wear big boy pants now but underneath it all you've still got that same little boy penis.

Wilfred: What the. Are you kidding me?! 45 pages of lower-case H's! What have you been writing none of this down?! Jesus, Bear!

Wilfred: Did you see that?! Slow Piscopo stole my bit right out from under me!

Wilfred: Shouldn't you be out terrifying white-water rafters with your banjo music?!

Ricky: (seeing himself in the mirror) I look terrible!
Wilfred: Don't worry pretty boy, you still got your quick wit.

If I had to rate this episode, and toilet-time says I do, then I'd give it:

89 out of 100

I watch this show for the hilarious bits of dialogue and this one had enough of them for me to watch the episode twice. That's a good WILFRED day. From a story perspective the episode gave us a glimpse into Ryan's daddy issues, his need to stand up for himself, his nearly realized relationship with that chick from SMALLVILLE, being blackmailed into doing shit work, and utilizing blackmail for personal gain.

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Wilfred 2.02 - "Letting Go"

Having skipped over last week's "preview" of WILFRED's season 2 premiere which was actually the premiere but at a different half hour... which still makes no sense, today I tackle the actual premiere of an episode at the correct hour that continues from the events of the previous episode that was the premiere at... whatever. What exactly was FX thinking?

In the first episode of this season, Ryan escaped the mental hospital to return home and rediscover the basement he had found missing in the season 1 finale.

When this second episode starts, months have passed and his neighbor Jenna --apparently preggers in the last episode-- and her boyfriend are planning on moving to LA and getting married, even though Jenna has learned she isn't carrying Drew's spunkchild. We quickly discover that all isn't perfect in romance land.

Wilfred also seems to be in love with Drew and pretending not to recognize Ryan. Though the pretending doesn't last long as Wilfred tells Ryan that their relationship is damaged.

Meanwhile, Ryan's work buddy, Amanda, comes onto him like the ladies do when they want something. But his head is too full of misery over Wilfred and Jenna that he shoots the willing victim down.

As Ryan tries to find out dirt on the Jenna and Drew relationship, Wilfred flips the plot on him and makes it about them becoming better friends. This is obviously just Wilfred's usual manipulation of Ryan but the human buys into it virtually every time because he's a total perceptive lamer. This leads the two to enter into a doggie competition that will prove Wilfred's worth to Drew and Ryan's friendship to Wilfred... though, it's really just about what Wilfred wants and how he can use Ryan to get it while making Ryan feel like it is about strengthening their friendship.

When Wilfred realizes he can't win, Ryan suggest juicing up with some supplements. Wilfred suggests juicing up with hardcore performance enhancing steroid shit.

At the competition, Ryan discovers that by spending so much time with Wilfred he has helped Jenna and Drew repair their relationship. He then decides not to give his little antagonistic buddy the 'roids and instead uses a leash to motivate Wilfred's natural rage toward them to victory!

Except it kind of backfires as Wilfred goes kookoo for the Coco Puffs, pisses at the crowd, and generally wrecks the obstacle course. But when Drew mocks his "participant" award, Ryan gets his buddy back.

Wilfred then schemes to get rid of Drew.

Ryan asks out Amanda.

Quoting Wilfred

Drew: Wanna play catch? Huh? Come on.
Wilfred: Hells yeah! Catch is the shit!

Wilfred: Come on, Wilfred! Get your head in the game!

Wilfred: I remember you, Ryan. Memory is like the Packers when they're behind by two touchdowns in the fourth quarter. It comes back.

Ryan: So how have you been?
Wilfred: Wisconsin was kickass. There was a beautiful lake there. I took 37 shits in it.

Ryan: Wait. Wilfred, I need you.
Wilfred: Well I don't need you, Ryan woman, hear me roar. You're on your own.

Ryan: Look, Amanda, you seem great.
Amanda: Ooh, this is awkward. You know, I'm just gonna go have sex with whoever's in the mens room.

Ryan: Okay! Can we just s-slow down for a second?
Wilfred: Why? So we can spend the whole day talking about your problems, you selfish prick? I'm not Dr. Phil, okay? I'm Doctor Wilfred. And I only call myself that when I'm DJing.

Wilfred: It goes both ways, Ruhruhruh-Ry Sharona.

Wilfred: Lets on the count of three both say what we can bench. One, two three, thirty-five pounds. Hey! You didn't say it. Oh, oh what are you ignoring me now? Y-you better than me, you beautiful golden head prick?

Wilfred: See what I did there? I got super tired, stopped running, and started dry heaving. I've gotta not do that.

Wilfred: There's only one way I can win this competition. You need to put a jar of flesh-eating bacteria all over Jellybeans' legs and genitals.

Wilfred: I'm gonna need the good shit.
Ryan: You mean real steroids?
Wilfred: I'm talking about the back alley shit. The shit that Kathleen Turner uses. Think you can handle that bro?
Ryan: Wilfred, I...
Wilfred: See, this is how friendships work, Ryan. I scratch your back, you scratch the area directly above my penis until my leg goes apeshit.

Needy drug dealer: Hundred fifty bucks. And a hug.
Ryan: A hug?
Needy drug dealer: A long hug. I want it to be tender like we're sisters at a funeral.

Wilfred: We get it Beans. We all know you got tasty balls. No need to flaunt it. Jesus! Is there no limit to this guy's arrogance?

If I had to rate this episode, and Wilfred's leash says I do, then I'd give it:

90 out of 100

A nice return to form of the show I love. Tons of great lines and a funny episode that has a nice little message about friendship. Awwww.

Also, Amanda is a slut. My type.

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Wilfred - Doubt

In a world... where people... and dogs... and people... and dogs who look like people... on an island... where people are lost... DOUBT!

That would be my trailer for this episode.

But what happened? Watch it! Here are the top quotable moments:

Wilfred: Let me find you a nice hit-it-and-quit-it chick. (looking through Internet dating service profiles) Gross. Out of your league. Lazy eye. Balding Asian grandmother. Grooooosss. Oooh! Here we go. Angelique.
Ryan: Are you kidding?!
Wilfred: Are YOU kidding? Favorite music: all types. This chick must be like an expert in music.

Wilfred: You think your demons have vanished but that's a lie, mate.
Ryan: No offense but I think I know myself better than you do.
Wilfred: You're right. What do I know? I'm just your neighbor's dog who talks to you and doubles partner in Wii Tennis. You're totally fine.

Wilfred: Oooooooh! Red velvet. I think I'm gonna be a little bit naughty today.

Bruce: And then he convinced you to make out with your own father!
Ryan: What?! No.
Bruce: Yeah. No. I mean, me neither.

Angelique: Oh my god, some of the things that you wrote were so gross, I almost didn't come here on this date. But then I was like, gross is kind of hot, right? And all of that stuff about the post office. I don't really know what 'snout rape' means, but I hate my mailman too.

Ryan: Why the hell am I on a date with Angelique and not the girl I picked.
Wilfred: Angelique is an alcoholic blowjob machine. And you're welcome.

Wilfred: Violence is never the answer. As the great Dr. Martin Luther King Jr once said... (punches Bruce in the face).

Bruce: You convinced me to make out with my own father!
Wilfred: Everyone at the party loved it! They thought it was edgy!

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Wilfred - Compassion and Isolation

Last night's WILFRED blessed us with two awesome episodes in a row! So here are the most quotable moments from both:

WILFRED 1.09 - Compassion

Ryan: She couldn't handle the pressure. She was looking for a place to hide and crawled up the chimney. The fire department had to pry her out.
Wilfred: I had a similar situation with my penis and a vacuum hose. I had to cut the tube just to break free. I still jizzed but out of spite not pleasure.

Ryan: Is this wise? It's been 20-years. The world has changed! High def TV and... other things.
Doctor: Well she hasn't been in a coma! We have cable!

Wilfred (talking to a group of ducks): Fellas come here, I just wanna talk to you. I'm not gonna hurt yas. I'm not gonna hurt yas. (runs after them) I'LL KILL YOU!!!

Ryan: The doctor wants my mom to come stay with me.
Wilfred: And I assume you told him to blow you. We don't need that crazy old broad cramping our style!

Mom: You look like your father, minus the thin lips and the soulless eyes.

Mom: Indian chief! (makes noises and dances) That was a little racist but it was fun.
Wilfred: How was that racist? Indians do that all the time.

Wilfred (angry): What kind of animal are you?! You leave your own mom, in here?
Ryan: But you said...
Wilfred: She let a doctor stick his hands inside her uterus so you could live!

Wilfred: You know what this is? (holds his thumb and index finger slightly apart)
Ryan: Let me guess, the length of my dick?
Wilfred: No. It's the amount of compassion you've shown towards your mom. And the length of your dick. They happen to be equal in this case. It doesn't happen often but it's pretty cool when this shit lines up. Like an eclipse.

Wilfred: Did mom complain to you when you made a mess of her lady parts during child birth?

Ryan: You son of a bitch!
Wilfred: How is that an insult? I've never understood that.

Ryan: Eat shit! EAT SHIT!
Wilfred: Again, your tone says insult but what I'm hearing is a tempting offer.

Doctor: Well, you've made a lot of progress over the last three days and based on years of diagnostic experience and your lack of health insurance, it is my medical opinion that you are not a danger to yourself or to others and I'm releasing you.

WILFRED 1.10 - Isolation

Wilfred: Ryan, I'm gonna be straight with you. This isolating is becoming a problem. People are starting to think you're weird. 'It puts the lotion in the basket' weird.

Wilfred: There is one that dwells within our midst that is unworthy of that fellowship. An evil, parasitic maggot! Creature so vile, diarrhea holds its nose when he walks by.

Wilfred: BULLSHIT! BULLSHIT! Hey, why am I the only one with a torch?

Wilfred: You got baked and blacked out, then cut your hand on a broken car window whilst committing a series of burglaries. Allegedly! We need to start saying that.
Ryan: I, I would never!
Wilfred: Never what? Shit in your neighbor's boot? Have sex with a stuffed giraffe in front of a small child? You'd be surprised what we're capable of once we put our mind to it.

Wilfred: Ryan, there you are. I've been looking for you everywhere. Bob and Shirley Reinhardt are about to Karaoke the tits off Summer Lovin'!

Wilfred: So long, Andy! Let's see your black magic save you from getting gang stomped in juvie.

Wilfred: You're right. You know what you should do? March on over to Mrs. Stevenson's house and tell her the truth. Your neighbor's dog masterminded multiple break-ins and planted evidence on her child.

Wilfred: Don't worry, Ryan. Trash Face is probably smiling down on us from heaven right now. Hell, I bet he just found a fresh vein in one of his angel wings.

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Wilfred - Anger

God's gift to humanity, in the form of a man-dog, had another fun episode with loads of quotable lines. Let's relive the greatness that was dialogue in WILFRED 1.08 that we will remember for eternity:

Wilfred: Ryan, remember when I told you a few weeks ago that you are a total pussy? Well, I just want to apologize for not emphasizing that enough.

Wilfred: Ryan, anger is like herpes. You're not meant to keep it to yourself.

Wilfred: No one hates me. I'm Wilfred. I'm adorable. Look at these eyes. The smile. I once cracked a Nazi skinhead in the face with a beer bottle and you know what he did to me? Belly rub.

Wilfred: I don't want my breath smelling like balls.

Wilfred: Kristin, shall I compare thee to a sunset? Morning dew? Flowers? Blahblahblah, some other beautiful shit? Point is, you look good.

Ryan: She didn't treat you that well either. Which was surprising. 'Cause I thought everyone loves Wilfred.
Wilfred: Everyone does, except her because she's not human. Cold black heart. Dead eyes. Nice tits.

Wilfred: Sneakers is no one, huh? Do you usually buy priceless jewelry for no one? Imitation colored glass. Plastic painted to look like metal. This isn't some cheap made-in-China knockoff. This is made-in-Taiwan! You bastard. Keeping another dog on the side, are you?
Ryan: Sneakers was my dog 20-years ago.
Wilfred: 20-years, 20-minutes, makes no difference to me, Ryan. You know I have no concept of time.

Wilfred: Snuggled up against you, licking your ear? What, in the same bed? Where did you meet this budgie smuggler? At a Maroon 5 concert?

Wilfred: Alright, I've been thinking it over and I know what happened last night. After I went to sleep, you somehow managed to get some sort of homo chip planted in my brain!

Wilfred (possessed}: That man is not the real Magic Johnson. I died in 1992. That guy looks nothing like me.

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Wilfred - the Bunny Hole

The latest episode of WILFRED, the greatest show on Earth, may not have been as quotable or as dynamically funny as last week's, but it made up for that in shock and sexualized awe!

The story? Does it even matter? Ryan crashes into a car because Wilfred is bored with banging away at ol' bear. And the rest is quoteaholic anonymous:

Ryan: No! It's a semen drenched teddy-bear!

Wilfred (slapping Ryan across the face): Jobs are for immigrants!

Ryan: And I was winning until you punched me, grabbed the money, and tipped over the table and ran.
Wilfred: I keeps it gangsta, Ryan. You knew that about me before we set up the board.

Wilfred: She's your sister. mate. She loves you. Bleed the bitch dry.

Ryan: All you care about is humping that little kid's giraffe.
Wilfred: Why, Ryan... what a villain you paint me as. It's elementary. Beth gets serviced. The debt gets wiped. And the giraffe gets a proper buggering.

Wilfred: Hey! Do you mind? We're having a conversation here, you adorable little piece of shit!

Ryan: Wait! Wait! Tyler hasn't had his dessert yet.
Beth: He doesn't need any dessert, look at his tits.

Wilfred: Finally. I thought that precocious little beaver damn would never break.

Wilfred: As you wish, Ryan. We'll just stay in and play Monopoly again. Or Battleship.
Ryan: You cheat at that too.
Wilfred: Battleships change locations in the middle of a war, Ryan! It's what they were designed to do!

Beth: That's nice but that's not what you did last night.
Ryan: What do you mean?
Beth (baby voice): Wight Bunny. Wong hole.

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Wilfred - Conscience

Writer: Head Geek Furious

The greatest show of all time is on the little cable network FX (in the states). It is based on an Australian show of the same name, about a guy who sees a dog named Wilfred as a man in a dog suit. The Australian version is a bit different from the American version but the premise is very much the same and the dog is played by the same actor (writer and show creator Jason Gann). The lead in the American version is hotly played by Elijah Wood.

WILFRED is a show I have wanted to write about since it started a few weeks ago but wasn't inspired until episode 1.06. I don't like to write episode reviews so instead I am going to note my favorite lines of dialogue from the episode. If that doesn't get you to watch, nothing will. All quotes come from the character Wilfred:

"Oh I get it. Because I'm a dog, right? I can only imagine what you'd say if I was black."

"Your death... will be... my holiday."

"Back to back to back to back to back orgasms, that's what's wrong."

"Put your legs up. Put your legs up, please. Oh come on bear, work with me here. BAH. What's the use. You see what Drew does to me, Ryan? I'm so emasculated I can't even raise a fence post with stupid ol' bear."

"But Drew sex punching Jenna for hours on end? You're ok with that?"

"Alright, here's what I'm thinking. We wait until Drew is asleep and then we put his hand in warm water. Then, just when he starts to pee himself, we take a rock and crush his skull."

"So chemistry, baking, and ping-pong. I guess my only question is: How were you not blowjob'd to death by the entire cheerleading squad?"

"I thought you said you were good. I've seen more aggressive ball playing in an airport men's room. Get your head in the game."

"Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go tear a new asshole in the back of bear's neck."

"After everything I did to you... I will never understand humans. This is the reason why we will ultimately defeat you."

"Hell, maybe you're onto something with all this conscience stuff. Maybe started to think I should stop doing that god awful stuff to your mouth-guard."

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