Wilfred - Doubt

In a world... where people... and dogs... and people... and dogs who look like people... on an island... where people are lost... DOUBT!

That would be my trailer for this episode.

But what happened? Watch it! Here are the top quotable moments:

Wilfred: Let me find you a nice hit-it-and-quit-it chick. (looking through Internet dating service profiles) Gross. Out of your league. Lazy eye. Balding Asian grandmother. Grooooosss. Oooh! Here we go. Angelique.
Ryan: Are you kidding?!
Wilfred: Are YOU kidding? Favorite music: all types. This chick must be like an expert in music.

Wilfred: You think your demons have vanished but that's a lie, mate.
Ryan: No offense but I think I know myself better than you do.
Wilfred: You're right. What do I know? I'm just your neighbor's dog who talks to you and doubles partner in Wii Tennis. You're totally fine.

Wilfred: Oooooooh! Red velvet. I think I'm gonna be a little bit naughty today.

Bruce: And then he convinced you to make out with your own father!
Ryan: What?! No.
Bruce: Yeah. No. I mean, me neither.

Angelique: Oh my god, some of the things that you wrote were so gross, I almost didn't come here on this date. But then I was like, gross is kind of hot, right? And all of that stuff about the post office. I don't really know what 'snout rape' means, but I hate my mailman too.

Ryan: Why the hell am I on a date with Angelique and not the girl I picked.
Wilfred: Angelique is an alcoholic blowjob machine. And you're welcome.

Wilfred: Violence is never the answer. As the great Dr. Martin Luther King Jr once said... (punches Bruce in the face).

Bruce: You convinced me to make out with my own father!
Wilfred: Everyone at the party loved it! They thought it was edgy!

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Wilfred - Compassion and Isolation

Last night's WILFRED blessed us with two awesome episodes in a row! So here are the most quotable moments from both:

WILFRED 1.09 - Compassion

Ryan: She couldn't handle the pressure. She was looking for a place to hide and crawled up the chimney. The fire department had to pry her out.
Wilfred: I had a similar situation with my penis and a vacuum hose. I had to cut the tube just to break free. I still jizzed but out of spite not pleasure.

Ryan: Is this wise? It's been 20-years. The world has changed! High def TV and... other things.
Doctor: Well she hasn't been in a coma! We have cable!

Wilfred (talking to a group of ducks): Fellas come here, I just wanna talk to you. I'm not gonna hurt yas. I'm not gonna hurt yas. (runs after them) I'LL KILL YOU!!!

Ryan: The doctor wants my mom to come stay with me.
Wilfred: And I assume you told him to blow you. We don't need that crazy old broad cramping our style!

Mom: You look like your father, minus the thin lips and the soulless eyes.

Mom: Indian chief! (makes noises and dances) That was a little racist but it was fun.
Wilfred: How was that racist? Indians do that all the time.

Wilfred (angry): What kind of animal are you?! You leave your own mom, in here?
Ryan: But you said...
Wilfred: She let a doctor stick his hands inside her uterus so you could live!

Wilfred: You know what this is? (holds his thumb and index finger slightly apart)
Ryan: Let me guess, the length of my dick?
Wilfred: No. It's the amount of compassion you've shown towards your mom. And the length of your dick. They happen to be equal in this case. It doesn't happen often but it's pretty cool when this shit lines up. Like an eclipse.

Wilfred: Did mom complain to you when you made a mess of her lady parts during child birth?

Ryan: You son of a bitch!
Wilfred: How is that an insult? I've never understood that.

Ryan: Eat shit! EAT SHIT!
Wilfred: Again, your tone says insult but what I'm hearing is a tempting offer.

Doctor: Well, you've made a lot of progress over the last three days and based on years of diagnostic experience and your lack of health insurance, it is my medical opinion that you are not a danger to yourself or to others and I'm releasing you.

WILFRED 1.10 - Isolation

Wilfred: Ryan, I'm gonna be straight with you. This isolating is becoming a problem. People are starting to think you're weird. 'It puts the lotion in the basket' weird.

Wilfred: There is one that dwells within our midst that is unworthy of that fellowship. An evil, parasitic maggot! Creature so vile, diarrhea holds its nose when he walks by.

Wilfred: BULLSHIT! BULLSHIT! Hey, why am I the only one with a torch?

Wilfred: You got baked and blacked out, then cut your hand on a broken car window whilst committing a series of burglaries. Allegedly! We need to start saying that.
Ryan: I, I would never!
Wilfred: Never what? Shit in your neighbor's boot? Have sex with a stuffed giraffe in front of a small child? You'd be surprised what we're capable of once we put our mind to it.

Wilfred: Ryan, there you are. I've been looking for you everywhere. Bob and Shirley Reinhardt are about to Karaoke the tits off Summer Lovin'!

Wilfred: So long, Andy! Let's see your black magic save you from getting gang stomped in juvie.

Wilfred: You're right. You know what you should do? March on over to Mrs. Stevenson's house and tell her the truth. Your neighbor's dog masterminded multiple break-ins and planted evidence on her child.

Wilfred: Don't worry, Ryan. Trash Face is probably smiling down on us from heaven right now. Hell, I bet he just found a fresh vein in one of his angel wings.

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Wilfred - Anger

God's gift to humanity, in the form of a man-dog, had another fun episode with loads of quotable lines. Let's relive the greatness that was dialogue in WILFRED 1.08 that we will remember for eternity:

Wilfred: Ryan, remember when I told you a few weeks ago that you are a total pussy? Well, I just want to apologize for not emphasizing that enough.

Wilfred: Ryan, anger is like herpes. You're not meant to keep it to yourself.

Wilfred: No one hates me. I'm Wilfred. I'm adorable. Look at these eyes. The smile. I once cracked a Nazi skinhead in the face with a beer bottle and you know what he did to me? Belly rub.

Wilfred: I don't want my breath smelling like balls.

Wilfred: Kristin, shall I compare thee to a sunset? Morning dew? Flowers? Blahblahblah, some other beautiful shit? Point is, you look good.

Ryan: She didn't treat you that well either. Which was surprising. 'Cause I thought everyone loves Wilfred.
Wilfred: Everyone does, except her because she's not human. Cold black heart. Dead eyes. Nice tits.

Wilfred: Sneakers is no one, huh? Do you usually buy priceless jewelry for no one? Imitation colored glass. Plastic painted to look like metal. This isn't some cheap made-in-China knockoff. This is made-in-Taiwan! You bastard. Keeping another dog on the side, are you?
Ryan: Sneakers was my dog 20-years ago.
Wilfred: 20-years, 20-minutes, makes no difference to me, Ryan. You know I have no concept of time.

Wilfred: Snuggled up against you, licking your ear? What, in the same bed? Where did you meet this budgie smuggler? At a Maroon 5 concert?

Wilfred: Alright, I've been thinking it over and I know what happened last night. After I went to sleep, you somehow managed to get some sort of homo chip planted in my brain!

Wilfred (possessed}: That man is not the real Magic Johnson. I died in 1992. That guy looks nothing like me.

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Wilfred - the Bunny Hole

The latest episode of WILFRED, the greatest show on Earth, may not have been as quotable or as dynamically funny as last week's, but it made up for that in shock and sexualized awe!

The story? Does it even matter? Ryan crashes into a car because Wilfred is bored with banging away at ol' bear. And the rest is quoteaholic anonymous:

Ryan: No! It's a semen drenched teddy-bear!

Wilfred (slapping Ryan across the face): Jobs are for immigrants!

Ryan: And I was winning until you punched me, grabbed the money, and tipped over the table and ran.
Wilfred: I keeps it gangsta, Ryan. You knew that about me before we set up the board.

Wilfred: She's your sister. mate. She loves you. Bleed the bitch dry.

Ryan: All you care about is humping that little kid's giraffe.
Wilfred: Why, Ryan... what a villain you paint me as. It's elementary. Beth gets serviced. The debt gets wiped. And the giraffe gets a proper buggering.

Wilfred: Hey! Do you mind? We're having a conversation here, you adorable little piece of shit!

Ryan: Wait! Wait! Tyler hasn't had his dessert yet.
Beth: He doesn't need any dessert, look at his tits.

Wilfred: Finally. I thought that precocious little beaver damn would never break.

Wilfred: As you wish, Ryan. We'll just stay in and play Monopoly again. Or Battleship.
Ryan: You cheat at that too.
Wilfred: Battleships change locations in the middle of a war, Ryan! It's what they were designed to do!

Beth: That's nice but that's not what you did last night.
Ryan: What do you mean?
Beth (baby voice): Wight Bunny. Wong hole.

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Wilfred - Conscience

Writer: Head Geek Furious

The greatest show of all time is on the little cable network FX (in the states). It is based on an Australian show of the same name, about a guy who sees a dog named Wilfred as a man in a dog suit. The Australian version is a bit different from the American version but the premise is very much the same and the dog is played by the same actor (writer and show creator Jason Gann). The lead in the American version is hotly played by Elijah Wood.

WILFRED is a show I have wanted to write about since it started a few weeks ago but wasn't inspired until episode 1.06. I don't like to write episode reviews so instead I am going to note my favorite lines of dialogue from the episode. If that doesn't get you to watch, nothing will. All quotes come from the character Wilfred:

"Oh I get it. Because I'm a dog, right? I can only imagine what you'd say if I was black."

"Your death... will be... my holiday."

"Back to back to back to back to back orgasms, that's what's wrong."

"Put your legs up. Put your legs up, please. Oh come on bear, work with me here. BAH. What's the use. You see what Drew does to me, Ryan? I'm so emasculated I can't even raise a fence post with stupid ol' bear."

"But Drew sex punching Jenna for hours on end? You're ok with that?"

"Alright, here's what I'm thinking. We wait until Drew is asleep and then we put his hand in warm water. Then, just when he starts to pee himself, we take a rock and crush his skull."

"So chemistry, baking, and ping-pong. I guess my only question is: How were you not blowjob'd to death by the entire cheerleading squad?"

"I thought you said you were good. I've seen more aggressive ball playing in an airport men's room. Get your head in the game."

"Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go tear a new asshole in the back of bear's neck."

"After everything I did to you... I will never understand humans. This is the reason why we will ultimately defeat you."

"Hell, maybe you're onto something with all this conscience stuff. Maybe started to think I should stop doing that god awful stuff to your mouth-guard."

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