The Baseball Drinking Game!

Do you hate the new fall TV schedule? Are your real football and fantasy football teams in the tank already? Are your kids going off to college, leaving you with no responsibilities? Is your wife leaving you?

While you see these things as a problem, I see them as an opportunity -- an opportunity to watch more baseball and drink more beer. AT THE SAME TIME!

I mean, what's better than that? Who needs  new episodes of How I Met Your Mother or watching your favorite football team either sucking once again (How 'bout dem Cowboys!?) or committing murders (allegedly)?

What you need is the 'Official Baseball Drinking Game', from the beautiful mind that brought you the 'Chuck Drinking Game' and the 'Archer Drinking Game'. While technically you have to be 21+ to play, nobody said that the players in the baseball game have to be. So go crazy at your son's little league game!

On to the rules...

1 SIP OF BEER:

--ERROR: The great thing about this game is that it's fully customizable. You can increase the amount of your drinking based on whether it's a throwing error or a fielding error if you so choose. The official scoring quality in Major League Baseball is so terrible, we may as well drink to it! Usually we drink because we want to numb the pain from our mistakes. Now we'll drink to theirs.

--HIT-BY-PITCH: If someone is plunked in the ribs, you get to feel their pain in your liver!

-INTENTIONAL WALK: If you're a true alcoholic and patriot, you'll take four swigs of beer in honor of the four pitches out wide.

--STOLEN BASE: If you're playing with a friend, steal their beer and take sip from that one instead of your own. You're probably a cheapskate drinking Natty Ice, so you'll enjoy the high-class beer your friend is probably drinking.

--MOUND VISIT BY PITCHING COACH: Drink 3 if the manager makes a mound visit and actually keeps the pitcher in the game. This would have been especially fun if you were playing this drinking game during the Grady Little/Pedro Martinez fiasco in Game 7 the 2003 ALCS against the Yankees.

--STRIKEOUT LOOKING: Think this is excessive? Just be glad that I didn't include all those swinging strikeouts, too -- because if I had, that would be 36,710 sips of beer if you watched all 2,431 games this season. Either way, on average, there are 15.1 strikeouts per game (only of which about 4 are of the looking variety).

--EACH EXTRA INNING: As soon as each full extra inning starts, take a sip. Because maybe the game isn't resolved but one thing sure is: you're hammered. Or, if you happened to be at this game, you probably had to get your stomach pumped and are now deceased.

--PITCHER SPITS: This could be dangerous. It seems unfair to penalize you based on someone else using a different drug, but thems the rules.

--FANS CLAP/CHEER FAN CATCHING FOUL BALL: I hate when fans go crazy because some other fan caught a foul ball. It's not that hard. Especially with a glove or without one if you have any semblance of hand-eye coordination.

--FOUL BALL OFF BATTERS' FOOT: Another foul-ball related thing that angers me. It angers me because it slows the game down as the batter has to hop around and walk it off until the pain subsides. So while you're waiting for the game to resume, enjoy your beer.

--WILD PITCH/PASSED BALL: The pitcher is getting wild, so why shouldn't you? Drink some beer and go crazy! Good thing this drinking game didn't exist during THIS GAME.

2 SIPS OF BEER:

--DOUBLE PLAY: If you want to get real crazy with drinking on double plays, I have a brilliant idea. You know how each fielder has a corresponding number to them when you keep score? Like if there's a groundout to the second baseman, you would score the play 4-3. So if the second baseman starts the double play, take 4 sips. If it's the shortstop, take 6. (third base 5; first base 3; pitcher 1; catcher 2). If an outfielder starts the double play, than prepare to be drunk sooner rather than later.

--GROUND-RULE DOUBLE: Drink 4 if it's because a fan touched the ball. Drink 8 if it's because the ball is stuck in the ivy at Wrigley Field.

--TRIPLE: This should be 3, shouldn't it? Consider only 2 here as a favor. However, if the triple completes a batter getting the cycle, than you have to continue drinking until you pass out and die. So if you witnessed THIS CLASSIC, you are no longer with us. What a great call by the announcer there.

--HOME RUN: Double it to 4 if you think the guy hitting it is NOT on steroids. If the pitcher hits the home run, take a shot. Not that you asked, but here are my three favorite pitcher home runs of all time: 3. Jose Fernandez ... 2. Kerry Wood ... 1. Matt Cain/Cole Hamels

--SACRIFICE BUNT: Because the only explanation for a manager calling for one of these is that THEY ARE DRUNK too.

--4-PITCH WALK: Throw a god-damn strike! No? Fine, I'll drink. Four-pitch walks make me want to hurt someone, but they also make me fondly remember THIS (0:52 till 1:10).

--HITTER BREAKS BAT: Now that Mariano Rivera is retiring, these will be far less frequent. If we get enough, maybe we can make one of THESE. But since we're drunk, it might not come out quite as well.

--CAMERA SHOWS 2 PITCHERS WARMING UP: Double-barrel action in the bullpen equals double-fisted sips of beer. The majority of the time one pitcher be a lefty and one will be a righty -- but if that's not the case, than double it up again and drink 4.

--UMPIRE THROWS BALL TO PITCHER: These rules are just getting more random and ridiculous, aren't they? If this rule gets you mad, just know that it makes Russell Martin 10 times more angry.

--OUTFIELD ASSIST: This rule is sponsored by the great Rick Ankiel (making his second appearance in this drinking game), providing one my all-time favorite single-game accomplishments. Now that it appears Rick Ankiel's career may be over, Yasiel Puig may be the new sponsor.

--SOMBRERO: For you non-baseball nerds, this is when a batter strikes out three times in a game. This is a major problem if you are an Atlanta fan during the playoffs or an Adam Dunn fan anytime he plays baseball (or probably even tee-ball).

--STRIKEOUT ON 3 PITCHES: Good morning. Good afternoon. Good night.

--CAUGHT STEALING: Self-explanatory. This is not a joke: if Billy Hamilton is caught stealing, buy a 30 rack and get to work -- you have a lot of drinking to do.

FINISH YOUR BEER:

--STRIKE OUT THE SIDE: It doesn't have to be in order, either. In fact, keep drinking after each following strikeout by that pitcher in the next inning until he gets an out another way.

--HOME-PLATE COLLISION: If the ball actually jars loose, you don't have to drink. If the best catcher on the planet breaks his ankle, you don't have to drink, either. Too soon, Giants fans?

--EJECTION: If the manager continues to throw a tantrum after being ejected, grab another beer and continue chugging until the argument comes to an end. If the announcer says: "he's really getting his money's worth", than you can stop chugging.

--BLOWN SAVE: This would have been a devastating rule to Cubs fans back in the Carlos Marmol era.

--INFIELD-FLY RULE: If you don't know that the rule is, than you aren't a baseball fan. If you are one of those stupid idiots that don't get why this rule exists and think the rule should be abolished, I think you should be abolished to hell where you belong. If your favorite team throws objects onto the field in protest of one of these calls, you are absolved from drinking. Because Braves fans have suffered enough on this front.

--PITCHER USES ROSIN BAG: I pitched for over 10 years and was on a team that made the Division 1 Massachusetts State Championship game (was supposed to be played at Fenway Park, but got rained out and moved to Lowell where the Lowell Spinners minor league team plays) and I don't ever remember having to use one. Hell, I don't even remember seeing more than a few. Can Massachustts not afford rosin bags?

On a side note, fuck you Malden Catholic High School. (We, Marlborough High School, lost 2-0. Had bases loaded and no outs in the ninth inning and didn't score. Had we tied it in the 9th, I was pitching the 10th). Our starting pitcher in that game, Jim Fuller, pitches for the AA Binghamton Mets.

--HITTER RE-APPLIES PINE TAR: Insert George Brett pine tar joke here. Or, instead, insert beer down your throat.

--POP-UP IN THE INFIELD, PITCHER DOESN'T POINT UPWARDS: OK, let me explain this seemingly crazy one. It annoys me that whenever there is an infield pop-up, the pitcher feels inclined to point upwards like a maniac to tell everyone in the world it is a pop-up -- as if everyone on the field and in the ballpark didn't know this already. If they don't do it, it's a miracle. It's also a good excuse to finish your drink.

--PITCHER ASKS FOR A NEW BALL: I used to do that all the time when I pitched. Maybe the seems didn't feel right or the ball felt too big. If you don't feel comfortable with the ball, you gotta get a new one. And YOU gotta get a new beer, cause you have to finish yours every time you see a pitcher asking for a new pearl.

--GOLDEN SOMBRERO: The KING.


TAKE A SHOT (or SHOTGUN A BEER):

--GRAND SLAM: These following occurrences happen so rarely, that it only seems fair that the penalty is either to take a shot or to shotgun a beer. If they happen in the ninth inning or later, I apologize, because there's a good chance you're already smashed.

--BALK: If Joe West is umpiring the game, you may want to set aside a shot glass before the game -- because it will be getting used.

--CATCHER'S INTERFERENCE: As you can see from this article and chart, these are rare birds at a baseball game. Celebrate accordingly! Pay close attention to when Carl Crawford and Jacoby Ellsbury are hitting, because they are the kings at drawing these babies.

--OBSTRUCTION OR RUNNERS' INTERFERENCE: Not sure the difference between the two rules? Hell, no one is. Just know that if either are called, drink up.

--ROBBED HOME RUN: These are just so beautiful. If you think the catch is better than THIS ONE, THIS ONE or THIS ONE, you are required to become an alcoholic. Make sure you watch that second one in slow-mo, because it is breathtaking.

--RUNNER PICKED OFF: This rule is sponsored by Mark Buehrle, one of the three best fielding pitcher's of all-time (Greg Maddux, Jim Kaat and Buehrle in some order), who is a legend at the pickoff. OK, seriously, watch this play, and tell me I'm wrong.

--HOME RUN OVERTURNED: If either a home run is overturned or a double is changed to a home run on instant replay, you must drink.

--BUNT FOR HIT: One caveat, the batter has to be trying for a bunt single. So if it's a clear sacrifice bunt situation and the batter reaches on a hit anyway, it doesn't count. EXCEPTION: Billy Hamilton. Now that the fastest man ever on cleats is in the majors, you are required to drink if he reaches base on any bunt. Good luck with that, Reds fans.

--DROPPED POP-UP: If you see a botched pop up, you must pay for the mistake. You know, kind of like this embarrassment to the game of baseball, where the best fielder on the team cost the most underrated and unlucky pitcher on the planet a win earlier this season. I'm not bitter about this play, I swear.

--MULTI-HOME RUN GAME: If someone hits their second home run of the game, take a celebratory shot. Just hope they don't hit another.

--UMPIRE MISSES CALL: As I'm writing this, I'm realizing that this rule belongs in the 2-Drinks category, because the state of umpiring in baseball is wretched. Oh well. Drink up!

--WALK-OFF HIT: Players often get pies in the face after getting the game-winning hit. Since wasting a pie if you're not rich is a crime against humanity, you get to have a shot glass shoved in your face instead. 

DRINK ALL THE DRINKS:

--TRIPLE PLAY: Or, if you don't think finishing every ounce of alcohol you have in your house is a good idea, take three shots instead. Because that's always a good decision.

--INSIDE-THE-PARK HOME RUN: After the inside-the-park HR, watch the replay and count how long it takes the batter to score. However many seconds it is, you must chug a beer for that same amount of time.

--HIT FOR THE CYCLE: If someone hits for the cycle, maybe you should do the same. I'm thinking sip of beer, finish your beer, take a shot and then shotgun a full beer. That's the real cycle right there.

--BENCH-CLEARING BRAWL: Because who doesn't love a good fight in which nothing happens? Sometimes, though, punches are thrown. It's glorious.


**If you want team-specific rule modifications for your favorite team, e-mail me at Eli.rosenswaike@gmail.com or message me on Twitter @EliRosenswaike and I will accommodate your drunken needs (not your sexual ones).

I'm also open to new rules that I missed, so post them below and we can get even more drunk than we already are.

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Curb Your Enthusiasm, 8.09, Heckling and Vibrating

I’d first like to take a second here and tell you that watching this week’s episode “Mr. Softee” taught me more about baseball than any other given moment of my life, and I AM from Boston, so what does that tell you? Right, I know. It’s muy pathetico, but what ya gonna do?

Now, without further adieu, let’s take a look at what happened to LD’s life this week in the Big Apple.

1. The story starts out with our hero eating fish in a restaurant with his date, Jennifer, played by the talented and hilarious Ana Gasteyer from SNL. Ok, she’s not Rachel Dratch “Debbie Downer” funny but you should check out her Celine Dion impression. It’s a knee slapper, kids, a knee slapper. Anywho, Susie and Jeff are also there, which makes me think that the only place these two don’t follow Larry is the toilet, the doctor’s (only for a rectal exam), and his bedroom IF he’s having sex. Jeff and LD fight over the fact that they both ordered different meals so that they could share and when the food arrives, Jeff retracts his offer to share. This is an ethical issue for the ages. It can't be taken lightly.

2. We finally meet Larry’s shrink in New York. And by finally, I mean we all assumed that he was seeing one, so there’s really no surprise there. Dr. Thurgood (played by Fred Melamed that you might remember from A Serious Man by the Coen brothers) is what you’d expect LD’s shrink to look like: balding, four-eyed, sporting tweed and need I say it? Jewish. Is it just me or is a shrink supposed to remind you of a well-respected Ivy league university professor? LD shares with Thurgood his childhood trauma. Way back when, Leib son of Nat, played strip poker with the daughter of a Mr. Softee ice cream truck driver in said truck. Leib, clearly an inexperienced poker player, lost the game, therefore forfeiting his underpants to the little pervy girl. Unfortunately for him, her father walked in and kicked his little white ass out of the truck, where all the people in the street humiliated him. Now, every time Larry hears the Mr. Softee jingle, his mind goes straight back to that memory. Thank god there’s no pavlovian reflex because imagine if hearing that jingle made him take off his clothes? Yeesh, that shit would be wack. Instead, hearing the jingle made him go “softee” in the sack and cost him the baseball (or was it softball? Who the fuck knows?) game for Yari’s automatics.

3. LEON IS BACK IN THE MOTHER FUCKIN’ HOUSE Y’ALL – AND BOY IS SPORTIN’ GLASSES. Why you ask? Because according to Larry David and clearly the creator of Family Matters, black men wearing glasses get more respect and are treated better (“White people revere black people in glasses, they go out of their way to do shit for them”) – and the proof is there! Thanks to the glasses, Leon was allowed back into the building, he was able to get LD and him in line for Baseballcon, AND he got Thurgood to tear up Larry’s bill for the free session at the convention.

4. Now, my least favorite part of the whole episode, which is talking about baseball. To be honest, the only parts I enjoyed were when Bill Buckner went to the Shiva and got ousted by a Red Sox fan and Jerry Adler (aka Hesh from The Sopranos) and when he saved the baby from the burning building. I felt bad for the dude being heckled everywhere he went. It’s like, are you a major league baseball player? You aren't? Then shut the fuck up ass hole. You know what I mean? But then again, I’m not a baseball fan so… maybe I should shut the fuck up. In other baseball news, LD got for Jeff a Mookie Wilson autographed baseball – that Buckner lost by missing a catch – but that Leon got back by stealing it from Thurgood’s office. Curb has come full circle – or full diamond if you will. Padum pssshh (that’s my drum/cymbal bad joke onomatopoeia).

5. FINALLY, the moment we’ve (I’ve) been waiting for. LD’s car seat that gives women insta-gasms. Like Leon said, “this chair is a fuck machine”, it’s a “moving dildo”. Imagine if that seat was the driver’s seat? Bitches, we would be in trou-bleeeeeee. Now, I laughed seeing Ana Gasteyer have an orgasm on the vagitator, but nothing compares to seeing my girl Susie let one out. Bitch sounded like two hippos having sex. No wonder Jeff sleeps around. He probably doesn’t know whether he’s pleasuring her or suffocating her. Poor Larry, he probably won’t be able to go to the zoo anymore without getting horrible flashbacks. He should see Dr. Thurgood about that.

Babydoll’s by the way…
-Black guys wearing glasses make them more reliable and smarter? I take offense, because when blondes wear glasses no one takes us seriously, they just think of us as dirty librarians or secretaries that “fanny around with press releases”.
-Car Periscope? Car seat vibrator! That shit needs to go on sale at Brookstone’s stat! Of course, security measures would have to be worked out but at least with this invention we’d stop being backseat drivers.
-Only Larry would go on for more than 30 seconds on whether or not he feels comfortable putting his feet up on his shrink’s coffee table.
-YES, so now we know why LD says "pretty pretty good". If only we knew more how LD became LD. Those in favor for flashbacks say "AYE"!

Curb your political correctness…
-“She was coming downstairs”.
-“You like a mixed nut? You like a chip and a dip? I’m completely dipless”.
-“I have overcome GOD DAMNIT!”
-And…the best line of all time: “AND WE WILL FUCK THEIR SISTERS IN THE CUNT!” You can be sure that I will start using this proficiently.

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