ARCHER 3.06 and 3.07: 'The Limited' and 'Drift Problem'

Since I forgot to write about ARCHER last week, you get TWO reviews in ONE! You lucky shits.

3.06 - The Limited
Archer and the rest of ISIS transport a Nova Scotian terrorist, Kenny Bilko, over to Canada for a payday in what may be one of the best episodes of the series.

As the team prepares to board a train to cross the border, Archer arrives drunk, having mistakenly thought their departure was 12-hours later. Bilko and Archer kind of bond over their love for cool and dangerous spy shit.

Cyril is mistakenly put in charge of watching Bilko while Archer and Lana argue off in another car about his drinking. The terrorist escapes and the hunt is on. What follows is racism and Canadian jokes; gunfights; Archer's crazed love for Cheryl's pet ocelot; a battle on top of a train; and funtabulous dialogue.

In the end, the gang captures the Canadian terrorists and Archer is arrested for attempted murder on a black guy and illegally transporting an exotic animal across the border.

QUOTABLES

Archer arrives to the mission drunk and his mother is not happy.
Malory: You knew we were transporting a dangerous terrorist to Canada! So how and why are you drunk at six o'clock?!
Archer: [very drunk] Well, the how's pretty self explanatory. And the why is because I thought we were leaving at six AM tomorrow! Ergo, Latin, plenty of time to sleep it off.
Lana: Well, drink some coffee because there's a good chance Bilko's terrorist pals..
Bilko: [interrupting] Alleged terrorist pals.
Lana: [continuing] Are gonna attack the train at some point and try to bust him loose.
Archer: Awesome!
Bilko: Right?!
Malory: I'm sorry, but how is that 'Awesome'?
Archer: Because! Pretty much my whole life I've wanted to fight some guys on the roof of a speeding train.
Bilko: Well, if I know my boys, you may just get your wish.
Archer: Ohhh, thanks, Freddy Foreshadowing. [pause] Who is this?
Cyril: [with Malory and Lana sighing] Come on, Archer.
Archer: Please tell me he's a renown chicken and waffle chef. Because, I am starving.

On the train, Archer continues to drink and Lana isn't happy about it.
Lana: Archer, at any time in the next twelve hours, this train could be attacked by radical Nova Scotian separatists!
Archer: [amused] Armed with what? Pamphlets about Canada's responsible gun control laws?

Archer gives in to Lana's demands for him to sober up with coffee.
Archer: [to the bartender] Hey, Heinz 56, can I get an Irish coffee?
Lana: No!
Archer: Lana! I have to taper off! Trust me, if these Nova [unsure] Scojans are a real threat, you do not want me hung over!
Lana: Do you even still get hangovers?
Archer: Normally no, but I drank about two gallons of Mamajuanas this afternoon. I was, uhh, playing dominoes with, uhh, a Dominic bike gang.

Bilko, hiding in a bathroom, calls his terrorist pals to come save him and mistakenly thinks he has heard Archer killing the train's porter.
Bilko: [on the phone] Okay boys. Make sure you bring the heavy stuff. 'Cause these crazy ISIS bastards aren't playing. They just killed a black guy. I know, right? Welcome to America.

As Archer gives a food order for his mother to the porter, George, the train suddenly slows down.
Archer: Wait. Why are we slowing down?
George: We're at the border.
Archer: Of?
George: Umm, this new place called Canada.
Archer: So?
George: So customs, passport control, immigration. You know, the border.
Archer: Yeah but with America.
Lana: They still guard the border!
Archer: [amused] Lana, we're going into Canada!

With Bilko escaping via the roof of the train, Archer pursues him with glee.
Archer: [climbing a ladder to the top of the train cars] Oh my god. This is going to be awes[he hits the top of the car and the fast moving wind hits him]shit! Ow! The dust! It's like being shot in the eyes by a glitter gun! [puts on night vision goggles] There, that oughta do it. Okay, let's try that ag[sticks his head up and is immediatly hit in the eyes with the bright headlights from an oncoming train] ahhhhh shit! Retinas! Sheered like tuna steaks! All I want is to fight on the top of a train! Is that too much to ask?! [turns off the night vision] The good news is now I'm furious.

If I had to rate this one, I'd give it:

96 out of 100

Awesome! A blast! Why can't all spy shows be this kick ass?! WHY?! I always love how much Archer loves vicious kittens. And I am a sucker for a good Canadian joke or ten. Plus the fight between Bilko and Archer on top of the train is pretty funny.

3.07 - Drift Problem
It is Archer's birthday and his mama gives him a brand new decked out, bullet-proof, Dodge Challenger with machine-guns and anti-pursuit countermeasures in the rear. Archer loves it like he has never loved anything before. It even has a bar in the glove compartment (Archer's freak out when he sees it is amazekittens).

His mom warns him not to lose the car or she will never get him another. He of course loses the car and overreacts by going after the Yakuza, who he thinks have stolen his precious "Genie." He volunteers the ISIS gang to help him and they end up in a fight to the death for what they discover is the wrong culprits.

In the end, we learn that it was his mom who took the car to teach him a lesson, much like she did with his favorite bicycle when he was a young boy (essentially revealing Archer's "Rosebud" that may explain his entire adulthood).

QUOTABLES

As Archer rides the elevator up to the ISIS offices he ponders what kind of celebration awaits him.
Archer: I wonder what the guys in the office have planned for my birthday. I wonder if Fudgie the Whale will be there. Or Cookie Puss. [amused] Cookie Puss. Those guys at Carvel know what they're doing.

Lana demonstrates that Archer's new car is bullet proof by shooting it with her fully automatic weapon of choice. Fred catches a ricocheting bullet to the gut.
Archer: [excited] Holy shit!
Fred: [on the ground and bleeding] Yeah, I'm like a magnet.
Archer: Fred, shut up. [sits in the car] What else does it do?!
Doctor Krieger: Press that red button.
Archer: Wait, is it gonna kill everybody?
Doctor Krieger: Press that blue button.
Voice: Welcome Mr. Archer.
Archer: It does know my name!

While watching the promo video for his new car and seeing all the cool features included, he opines.
Archer: It makes the Mach 5 look like a vagina.

When the glove-box bar is revealed, Archer loses his shit. Then falls in love.
Archer: It's like seeing the face of god.

If I had to rate this one, I'd give it:

85 out of 100

It was fun but coming off the brilliant previous episode it kind of felt a bit flat. Though, the opening with Archer's reactions to the car was excellent.

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Drive-By Review: WHITE COLLAR - 'Pulling Strings'

This site's first review of this show is a drive-by for two reasons. First, I don't really know if I want to write these (maybe someone will volunteer). Second, I don't feel I have all that much to say about the episode even though it was mostly enjoyable.

The story is that Peter is taking some time off to spend with his wife and his in-laws. There is a little side-story here about him getting her the perfect gift for her birthday and it eventually involves Mozzie, who it has been established is very fond of Mrs. Suit.

The rest of the episode involves Bryce and his ex, Sarah Walker, going on another mission to find a stolen Stradivarius. There is also a little touch of a plot about Diana getting engaged and about the FBI's investigation into Neal's commutation.

Most of this episode is a setup for Neal and Sara getting back together. The case is solved and they part as "friends" who can hang out or something. Peter, with Mozzie's help, gets his wife the perfect present, and Agent Kramer questions Diana about what Peter may be hiding with respect to Neal. OH NOS!

If I had to rate this one, I'd give it:

82 out of 100

They've made much more interesting episodes. Though, it was nice to see Neal and Sarah interact again. The actors/characters do have a nice bit of chemistry. Though, not as much as Bryce Larkin and Sarah Walker.

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NEW GIRL 1.12: 'The Landlord'

And so we return to the adorkable one and her happy gang of freaks, geeks, and creeps.

Speaking of, this latest episode could have been called "Nick and Jess' Ménage à Trois with the Creepy Landlord."

There are two basic setups for this episode. The first being that Nick and Jess are in an argument over his negativity versus her positiveness. She thinks she can fix any situation with a smile and kindness. He thinks people are just bad and that they will harm you the first chance they get. Jess wins point one when they are confronted with a gun wielding psychopath in a parking lot as they fight over a spot. When Jess talks the man down with kindness, she thinks her methods are foolproof.

The second setup is that Schmidt's boss may or may not be coming onto him via suggestive language. Schmidt thinks she wants to sex him up but every time he starts to react, she seems to send him mixed signals. So, will Schmidt have the sexy time with the boss girl or will he get hurt? Tune in!

When utilities in the apartment continue to be problematic, Jess suggests the boys get the landlord to fix things. The boys are horrified at the suggestion, warning Jess not to talk to him, telling her that he is a bad man. But she is convinced she can calm any savage beast with her sweetness, so she goes to see him.

The landlord doesn't seem very receptive to Jess' adorkable ways at first but when she mentions there are four people living in the apartment, he is surprised since there are only supposed to be four occupants. Jess goes back to the apartment to tell the boys, who are horrified! When the landlord knocks on the door, they go into emergency mode and toss Schmidt's bed out the window, then pretend he is a foreign friend who has been staying over. This fails but the landlord seems most upset by a painting on a closet wall. As he tries to leave, Jess finally uses her charms to get him to agree to fix some things for her.

It quickly becomes evident to Nick that the only reason the landlord is helping Jess is because he wants to do the sexy sex with her. He tells Jess but she dismisses it, still wanting to believe that the landlord is being nice because of her sweet disposition. But when the landlord reveals he is ready for their three-way, Nick gloats and demands she admit to being wrong. When she refuses, the threesome is on! Eventually Nick calls Jess' bluff, by going in for a kiss, and she admits to being wrong. When the landlord still doesn't seem phased, the gang is saved a raping by Winston (who finally has a purpose!) whose arrival turns the landlord off (apparently he doesn't do foursomes).

In Schmidt's world, he finally goes for it with his boss while in the parking garage. She is receptive but security guards see the sexual assault on surveillance cameras and think she is being raped. Schmidt gets beat up and arrested.

QUOTABLES

As Nick and Jess sit in their car, confronted by a gun wielding man in another car, Jess tries to reason with him while Nick freaks out.
Jess: Don't use guns [gestures and smiles].
Nick: Stop it! Just stop it! Just get down! [to the gun wielding man] We're sorry! Take the spot. [to Jess] Just be submissive!
Jess: Sorry. [pointing to Nick] Sorry about this guy.
Nick: What you.. don't apologize!
Jess: He's overreacting.
Nick: I'm overreacting?! He has a gun and you're dressed like a bulls-eye.

At dinner, the landlord offers Nick some of his home brew alcohol but Nick, who suspects the landlord is just trying to lube them up with drink, counters.
Remy: Think you can handle some, Nick?
Nick: Oh, I'm okay. Somebody needs to stay sober to fight you later.

When Jess tells the landlord that Nick had a painful breakup, the two bond.
Remy: Did you smell your girl on your sheets for months until they were too soaked through with your own sweat and tears?
Nick: No.
Remy: Did you punch out all the windows until you hit the wall and broke your hand? Did you go out looking for companionship, a little human warmth, only to come through in the woods covered in animal blood?
Nick: In my own way.
Remy: Come here man. [they embrace]

When Remy tells Nick and Jess to start the threesome while he watches, Nick seems excited at the prospect of finally winning the argument.
Jess: Nick, I will do this!
Nick: Say that you're wrong and it's over.
Jess: I'm not wrong.
Nick: Jess, you can't do this but I can.
Jess: Okay. Let's do this, Nick!
Nick: [happily] Then let's do it, Jess.
Jess: I can do it.. [as Nick goes in for the kiss] Nooooo, okay fine, I admit it! I'm wrong!
Nick: [hands raised in the air] Yes! Yes!

If I had to rate this one, I'd give it:

88 out of 100

It was a creepily fun episode. The best part was watching Jess and Nick deal with the awkwardness of Remy's threesome and Jess' uncomfortable attempt at not having to admit to being wrong. Schmidt's side story was kind of fun too and the payoff in the parking garage was briefly great. Though, the ending with him semi-naked on the table, posing for the Japanese business men on the other side left me kind of meh.

ONE LAST THING: When did Nick break up with his girlfriend? I ask because he seemed very willing to kiss Jess (even if it was just to prove a point). Isn't he in a committed relationship? Nick doesn't seem like the kind of guy who would cheat on his girl even if it is with the girl he'd rather be with, or to just win an argument. So, party foul on the writers... even if it was the best moment of the episode.

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CASTLE 4.14 -- The Blue Butterfly

NCIS, The Mentalist, Criminal Minds, CSI, The Closer, Law & Order SVU, Hawaii Five-O, Blue Bloods, Bones, Unforgettable, Prime Suspect, Body of Proof – weekly TV police procedurals are even more common and annoying than New England Super Bowl appearances and halftime show controversies.

Before you flip me the bird for leaving off a certain show near and dear to your geeky heart, just know I did so for good reason.

Because Castle, in this week’s “The Blue Butterfly”, did what no other of those weekly procedurals can do:  satisfy our need for more Nathan Fillion (in Dick Tracy attire, no less), successfully travel back to a 1940s mob jazz club, appease the Castle-Beckett ‘shippers (even if it wasn’t real) and give us the fun twist and turns that one expects from a show like this. 

And we get all of this while simultaneously treasure hunting? And with no Nicholas Cage!? Castle fans are spoiled. 

When a modern-day treasure hunter is killed, an old 1940s private detective’s diary is found – leading Castle, Beckett and the rest of the cast (except for “Iron Gates”, whose presence is completely useless in this show in general. We miss you, Montgomery) to the search of the valuable Blue Butterfly necklace, where Castle’s vivid imagination turns a standard TV crime trope into an exciting, amusing and sexy journey.

The episode goes back and forth between their present-day investigation and the clues from the diary being played out by in Castle’s mind. Beckett playing a dolled-up mob bosses girl? No complaints here.

It also links back to a previous double murder in the 1940s, where Castle and Beckett’s character quickly fall in love and but fail to make off together with the diamond necklace before being killed by the mob boss – played by Mark Pellegrino (nice to see him working for someone other than the Ring).

But just like the double murder and the investigation of the current-day murderer, nothing is as it seems. In the investigation, we are pointed in several directions: a competing treasure hunter, a financial backer, a homeless squatter and the mob bosses’ great grandson –  but no matter who you guessed to be the culprit you were wrong. Because we learn at the last minute it was a character that wasn’t even an option. Nothing grinds my gears on a TV show more than when the murderer is essentially introduced at the very last second out of nowhere. So lame.

But that was fairly inconsequential as it turned out to only be the secondary mystery, as the twists and turns that played out like a Castle novel were far from over.

NOTABLE QUOTABLES:

--Detective Ryan: “Maybe clothes aren’t the only thing they’re laundering.” C’mon, Kevin. How did you say that with a straight face?

--Castle (playing the 1940s private eye) describing Beckett’s  character in his fantasy portrayal of the diary: “This dame was trouble on two legs.” I wish people talked like that now. Let’s bring it back.

--Castle, after his private detective character gets roughed up by Ryan and Esposito (who play the muscle for a mob boss): “You should see what my face did to the other guy’s fist.” I can see Esposito as mob muscle, since he used to be a bad-ass sniper. But Ryan? That guy is a pipsqueak. Castle would have destroyed him. And getting beat up just for looking at a woman? I wouldn’t have lasted long in the 40s, I don’t think.

--Castle to Beckett: “If you want a beginning, middle and an end, I have 27 novels you can choose from.” Resulting in Beckett giving Castle a John Casey-like grunt. I miss Chuck.

SCORE: 86 out of 100

It was a good, entertaining and unique episode, but let’s not go overboard. Some may overrate it simply due to the fact that Nathan Fillion and Stana Katic kissed or because this episode has been hyped for a while, but at times it was predictable and the identity of the murderer was a cop-out.  I should take off some more points for the totally ridiculous fact that Beckett didn’t arrest the old couple. How about murder, arson or faking your own deaths? Really, nothing? 

If you think my grade is too harsh, well tough luck. I sucked at school so maybe I don’t want to see anyone else do well, either. Even if it is one of my favorite shows.

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