Green Lantern - 'Closetalking'

Writer: Multipass

I didn’t actually find the film as awful as I had expected based on the reviews. I was genuinely entertained by the Parallax, Sinestro, Green Lantern corps parts of the movie, but the other 50% of the plot is what killed it. Ryan Reynolds was ok, but I didn’t feel like he brought anything to the character that made him stand out as a superhero, and any time he was in Hal Jordan mode he was kind of a whiney little kid.

One major problem was the love story/dead father part of the plot. Blake Lively, who plays Carol Ferris, has about as much charisma as a dead fish, and she sounds kind of drunk when she talks. So I guess she has the charisma of a dead fish that died of alcohol poisoning. The only good moments she had were when she realizes Hal is a Green Lantern, and when she tells him she feels sorry for him. Otherwise she was a huge time waste. I think I’d have rather seen more of Hal’s scientist friend. And I am so tired of people fighting over a girl in these superhero movies, there has got to be a better reason to try to kill someone after you have been infected by Parallax than boring Carol Ferris. She and Hal had what seemed like 4 or 5 scenes of this:

Hal: Closetalking Closetalking
Carol: Closetalking Closetalking
Hal: Closetalking
Carol: “Something is wrong Hal, what happened?”
Hal: “I don’t wanna tell you!!!! WAAAH!! *stompstompstomp*”
Carol: Look of longing and/or curiosity

Yes, it was that riveting.

The whole bit about Hal being afraid of…dying like his father did? Not living up to his dad’s legacy? Whatever it was it was pretty lame and kind of melodramatic.

The other story issue I had was with the creation of the yellow ring. Now, I understand why this is important in terms of a sequel, but the way it was introduced was just non –sensical. The Guardians are billions of years old, and have always believed in the power of will as the strongest force in the world. Yet, for absolutely no reason, they decide to do basically nothing about Parallax themselves, and instead let Sinestro create a yellow ring, a ring that harnesses the power of fear, to “fight fear with fear”. Why the hell is that a good idea? They already know what happens to people who try to harness the power of fear, one of their own did it, and he turned into the evil blob Parallax. So why let Sinestro try? It’s almost like they WANT to create another villain…either that or after a billion years dementia is finally setting in.

All in all, the movie was just okay, the effects and CGI were wonderful and I’m glad I got to see all of that on a big screen. I also appreciated an appearance by Amanda Waller, though as soon as she called Abin Sur the first alien they’d ever found I thought “Bitch please you know all about Superman!"

At times the film was interesting, like when addressing the power of will or fear etc, and also really pretty. At other times it was kind of tedious and disjointed. I’d recommend everyone aside from massive Green Lantern fans to wait for this to hit dvd, which I'm sure most of you have decided to do already anyway.


CLICK TO READ THIS ARTICLE

Top 10 Geek Furious of HOT!

Writer: Head Geek Furious

Simple. 10 HOTTEST people in geek furious culture, ever. I made a list, I checked it twice and I made sure they were very naughty and not too nice. There was no intention of making this the top 5 men and top 5 women list. It just grew organically. Don't like it? Then tell me what you would change or who you would add.  Hotness here is the sum of a character's physical beauty, sexiness, attitude, and strength (in all its levels).

10. Lois Lane - SMALLVILLE

I can't... stop... staring.

Do I like this show? Hell no. Do I see any reason why someone should waste ten seasons on this ridiculous mess of a joke? No way. But do I see why someone watched at least one season just to follow the hotness that is this badass chick? OH YES.

I watched the first and last seasons of what I came to call LOISVILLE and only stuck with it for that last season because of this Canadian goddess. She is like sexy sex on a sticky stick (why do I want to make that into a hip hop song or punch myself in the face for writing it at all?). I don't understand why the writers didn't just put her in every scene, or have her take more showers. After all, she lives in the big city and on a farm. Doesn't she feel dirty? Isn't it bath time?

9. Captain Mal Reynolds - FIREFLY/SERENITY

Unlike a leaf on the wind, Mal kills sexy.

The man who aims to misbehave is the same guy who stole the hearts of both the ladies and the lads with his badassness and general cool. Creator Joss Whedon's pretty obvious homage to Han Solo has the man doing the things fans of Solo think he has done all along: shoot first and not bother with asking questions later.

He has the looks and all the badass, deadly, rogue, and nerf herder anyone needs while also being a charmer. He is just so damn cool when being a jerk and so shy and awkward when dealing with his feelings, that it makes him the guy you want to have by your side, whether he's trying to kill for you or kiss you.

8. Dean Winchester - SUPERNATURAL

Get him a burger, douche!

Oh Dean, you angry, murdering, fatty cheeseburger eating, binge drinking, sex crazed slut you. How do I say this without offending the little children or some SUPERNATURAL fans?

Your brother is a pretty boy pussy.

I feel better. Yeah, yeah. Sam is handsomerest and fan fic writers probably spent endless masturbatory hours fantasizing about him, but Dean is hotter. No doubt. In every badass mandly way, hotter.

7. Leeloo aka Leeloo Dallas - THE FIFTH ELEMENT

Touch my nipsies and die.

Heavenly creature of perfection, why doth thou looketh at me with those eyes of need and strength? I fear and want to possess you, my orange haired obsession.

Oh, uh, what happened?

Leeloo is gorgeous. Smoking hot. Badass. And also a frakin' planet destroying weapon. How much more badass and hot can a woman get? Well, apparently a little hotter since she is 7th on the list. But as much as I love this movie, I don't rewatch it over and over because I love Bruce Willis or that dude from the RUSH HOUR movies (though they are great). I watch it for Leeloo and her multipass (sexual metaphor).

6. Han Solo - STAR WARS (original trilogy)

I make everything look good.

There is probably a generational gap that has some people not understand why Han Solo is such a beloved character. But I think those who didn't grow up with him, or weren't around when he first appeared on movie screens, should consider what the world was like before Han Solo was in it. There just weren't that many good guys who were bad but saved the day while being super cool about it and got the girl and kicked ass and took names. Or perhaps there weren't any before Han Solo. He was the mold for Mal Reynolds, James Sawyer, and that new guy on FALLING SKIES.

Should he have been higher on the list? Sure. But I have new obsessions that bumped him down a bit.

5. James 'Sawyer' Ford - LOST

I exist to look pretty and deal out death.

Another Han Solo wannabe, Sawyer has some things that Solo never had. Other than great writing and just more material to work with, Sawyer also got a real arc that gave his character a more fitting end than the ballznipped Han Solo in "Return of the Jedi." But what makes him hotter than Han is those pretty blue eyes. They are blue, right? Yeah. I am sure of it. Right? Green? Whatever.  Killing is his business and business is pretty damn good for a while.

4. Six - BATTLESTAR GALACTICA

Baltar is one lucky sod.

Not only beautiful, sexy, and an incredibly well written and acted character, Six (in her many different glories) is easily one of the hottest characters in the geek universe. Or any universe for that matter.

She wears skimpy outfits. She has lots and lots and lots of sexy sex. She looks stunning most of the time. Oh and she can kick ass, take names, take more names while kicking ass, and then call your family to warn them that she is going to kill all of them while taking down more names of people you may know from childhood while doing it.

The reason she isn't higher on the list is simply because she had less and less sex and didn't do enough strip teasing or killing as the series went on. She could have been #1 if they had just utilized her hotness more.

3. Slavegirl Leia - STAR WARS, EPISODE VI, RETURN OF THE JEDI

I need a minute alone, please. 30 seconds?

You youngins can't possibly understand this... but this image is still one of the hottest things in the universe. Hell, this could easily be #1 but I felt it was unfair to give the highest position to a character that is only in a portion of one of the movies in a series of movies. But that is how hot and how life affecting her hotness was in this virtually short sequence in the series.

Men and women around the planet of Earth have based entire fantasies, relationships, and even life decisions on this character/costume. That is how powerful the imagery of Leia in this metal bikini was on us kiddies back in 1983. It was like having a mind probe inject hotness into our brainz while sucking out our innocence at the same time.

But not only was metal bikini clad Leia a bonfire of epic proportions but she was also pretty deadly in it, taking out the biggest organized crime kingpin in the history of film.  Literally.  The biggest.  And she didn't do it nice and clean either, she choked a bitch! All these things should have put her at #1 if not for...

2. Pacey Poof 'Peter' Bishop - FRINGE

What have you done to me, Pacey Poof?

Peter makes me wish I was a girl, or a fancy boy. It shouldn't be wrong that a heterosexual male finds himself crazily attracted to another heterosexual male. I mean, what is it about Olivia anyway that I don't have? Other than lady parts. Huh? Answer me, Pacey!

To understand the hotness of Mr. Bishop, you will just need to watch the show but he has a confidence, a simmer, a manliness about him that transcends genders or sexuality.  Plus, he is happy to ninja kill shape shifters.  I want to be in his arms while he whispers sweet sexy, like a meow meow (TM, 1998) to me.


And the Top Geek Furious of Hot is... (at least until I find a new obsession and change the list):

1. Sarah Walker - CHUCK

Mama told me I'd fall for a gun wielding belt bound girl some day.

Come on, this was a no-brainer. There is no one hotter. Let's just first talk about the gorgeousness. She is a stunner. And sure, some would say she has imperfections but that is what makes her so frakin' attractive. She is like the most amazing looking girl next door who would never live next door to you because some billionaire would have swept her off her feet and married her the second he caught wind of her on Facebook.

And how about her sexy? She has it in spades. In shovels. In Millennium Falcons even. And the show utilizes her physical assets every chance it gets. Hell, not enough. Every episode should be an excuse for Sarah Walker to try on a new hot outfit or to undress for no apparent reason whatsoever. Why hold back, writers? Hotness doesn't grow on trees.

Slavegirl Sarah? Yes!

And I didn't even talk about how much fun it is to watch her character. Whether it is her tough exterior or sweet and tender inner workings, the woman is a sometimes complex mess of emotions brought on by a tough upbringing.

But while her badassy ways are pretty great and definitely a worthy part of the hotness title, it is the sweet turmoil of kindness within her that has made many CHUCK fans fall in love with her. Sure, she is a tough chick and she can certainly kick some big time ass (unless her opponent is a woman, because then she will likely get her ass kicked a little bit) but it is her romantic compass forcing her head away from brute force (unless you kidnap her man, that is) and into considering less deadly ways to resolve things that makes her so memorable.

Geek love calmed the hot savage beast. And that deserves the number one position on this list.

Tipsy southern belle Sarah may be the hottest thing ever.

And yet there is one more thing that earns her the title. And that is her comedy. Who knew that Sarah Walker was so funny? Well, for the most part, we didn't until the middle of season 3 when in arguably the best episode of the series (3.14, Chuck Vs. The Honeymooners), Sarah (or Yvonne) revealed her comedic side. From that point on, super dramatic Sarah Walker took a step back and still dramatic but having a lot more fun Sarah 'Don't call me Sam' Walker appeared. And the world is better off for it.

This ruined my chance of getting married. No human woman can measure up! Thanks Schwedak!

CLICK TO READ THIS ARTICLE

Firefox 5 - Do Not Track!

Writer: Head Geek Furious

Mozilla has released a new version of Firefox that supposedly speeds up browsing and is supposed to help improve your ability to get dates on the Internet (I can't verify that, though). The update isn't huge and doesn't seem to be causing many add-on problems, unlike previous versions, but there is one addition to this browser that is a GAME CHANGER!

Firefox 5 is the first browser to include an option for all platforms to tell websites to not track your movements to and from a site. This is something many laypeople are not even aware of, but many sites collect information about how you got to their site and how you left it. So, if you came in from a porn site, your favorite Sesame Street site knows it. And if you leave that site by going to your favorite creeper stalker site, then it knows that too.

But now, at least in concept, Firefox 5 allows you to opt out of that tracking. But you would think that the developers would have put a gigantic button on the browser that says "DO NOT SPY ON ME!" In their infinite wisdom, they decided to hide it. But I am here to show you where it is.

Go to TOOLS (you will need to bring up the menu on your Firefox button, or enable the Menu Bar by right clicking on the top of the browser) and then OPTIONS and look at the pretty picture below:

CLICK TO READ THIS ARTICLE

Battlestar Galactica's Bear McCreary RAWKS!

Writer: Head Geek Furious

Composer extraordinaire, Bear McFrakinreary is amazeballs to the maxybigdaforce! And here is proof, motherfrakers. The insanely talented creator of all things cool, and probably the greatest TV soundtrack in the history of humanity, has put out a few videos of himself just jamming the scruffy lookin' nerf herders off some of his best BSG (I mean the newer, better BSG) tracks on the piano.  He has been doing this in support of his piano songbook (that you can buy on Amazon by clicking that link; no I am not receiving anything in return for this promotion, but I wish I was).

I am somehow a month behind the universe in discovering this bit of awesomebunnies and think you should all be in on it too. Check it out.  I rank each performance from o to 100, for your convenience:

Prelude to War: 107 out of 100


Battlestar Sonatica: 100 out of 100


Something Dark Is Coming: 100 out of 100


Elegy: 104 out of 100


You know what? Why not end it on the live performance of the McCreary's brothers and crew doing All Along the Watchtower, from BSG seasons 3 and 4. Katee Sackhoff, who played Starbuck on the show, plays the piano with Bear at the beginning.



CLICK TO READ THIS ARTICLE