I cannot tell a lie, I LOVE this little show on FOX called NEW GIRL. I fell in love with it when I saw the pilot episode, and even when they replaced "Coach" (whyyyy!??!?!) with a guy not as interesting in episode 2, I still loved the show (but in slight protest).
But why haven't I written about it outside of my initial impression of the pilot? Well, because I was sooooo in love with the main character that I just done forgot, damn! But here is my first real write-up of an episode of... NEW GIRL.
As usual, I don't do episode recaps like normal people, so here we go.
In this episode Jess accidentally sees Jeff's wang and laughs like a freakish alien-bird. This messes Nick up so much that when he tries to nail some hottie, he can't even take his clothes off. He is that mortified by the experience. Meanwhile, Schmidt realizes he is the only one who hasn't seen Nick's gigantic schlong and so he goes on a mission to put it in his mouth. Or, something. Butt maybe? I don't know.
And I am already bored so let's get to some of my favorite quotable moments:
After walking in on "the dudes" watching a scary movie and depositing herself on the couch with them, Jess has a brilliant idea.
Jess: You know what we should watch? Have you guys ever seen FAME? It's about a group of dreamers with talent to spare, taking New York City by storm, one dance number at a time.
Nick talks to Schmidt about the girl, Amanda, he is going out on a date with, who has this strange way of approaching discussions with him.
Nick: Sometimes she is so ironic, that I think she is being serious.
Jess walks in on the conversation and tries to help with advice.
Jess: You've a date? Fun! I wanna talk to you guys about this stuff.
Schmidt: With Amanda.
Nick: Schmidt!
Jess: Amanda? From the bar? Woah! She's a looker. Hotchee muchee.
Nick: Yeah, I know how hot she is, Jess.
Jess: Have you been out with anyone since Caroline?
Nick: No.
Jess: Woah! Big deal alert! Scary stuff, kids. Yeesh! Falling rocks. Bridge out. Duck!
Nick: This is why I don't talk to you, Jess.
Schmidt: Nick, you're going to be fine. Don't worry about it. Just, you know, suck in the gut.
Nick: What gut?
Jess: (pointing at Nick's stomach) The little pooch where you keep your extra cookies.
After Jess walks in on Nick dancing with his massive member flinging out into the open air, she tries to explain to the other roommates what happened.
Jess: Something's happened. It was totally an accident. Not a big deal. I just wanna do the mature thing and come clean about it. But, ummmm... I accidentally saw Nick's peepee.
Schmidt: What?!
Winston: What did she say?!
Jess: I accidentally saw Nick's peepee and his bubbles.
Nick leaves the apartment after Jess' failed attempt at talking to him about what happened. She is distraught but Winston tries to dismiss it.
Winston: It's not a big deal. I've seen Nick's stuff like a million times.
Schmidt: You have? I mean, how?
Winston: We grew up together. Locker rooms, swimming pools, penis fights, it just happens.
Schmidt: Why haven't I seen it?
Winston: Why do you wanna see it?
Schmidt: He's my best friend.
Winston: Again, why do you wanna see it?
Schmidt: What if Nick gets into an accident? What if he is horribly disfigured and I have to identify him and all that remains are his private parts. And I'm standing there and I'm saying 'Sorry, officer, I can't help you because no, I haven't seen his penis' and then boom, he's buried in an unmarked grave.
Jess explains that when she walked in on Nick and saw his throbbing monster, she laughed.
Schmidt: Jess, you can't laugh at a naked man. Especially Nick. Nick is delicate. Like a flower. Like a chubby, damaged flower who hates himself.
Jess tries to talk to Nick about the issue the following day but he just runs away from her. Eventually she is able to corner him in the elevator.
Nick: You ruined my date! Every time I tried to take my clothes off, Jess, I heard your little 'HAHAH!' your little crazy giggle scream. And all I wanna do is have meaningless sex with a beautiful woman who, yes, talks in mind bending riddles, but I can't! Because I can't get your little 'AHHHHH!' out of my head!
After Nick escapes Jess, he tries to use the urination apparatus when Schmidt suddenly pops up above him, trying to get a gander at his master blaster.
Schmidt: I'm the only one who hasn't seen it.
Nick: What?!
Schmidt: Just the gun.
Nick: No!
Schmidt: Just the roses.
Nick: What?!
Schmidt: Just the hub. Where it connects.
Nick: Get out!
Schmidt: Fine! I thought we were best friends.
Nick: We are.
Schmidt: Apparently not.
Nick: Best friends don't do this, Schmidt.
Schmidt: They do it all the time!
So what did you think? Is this the greatest show ever, or are you in Alan Sepinwall's camp of dead-inside homicidal sociopaths who don't love adorkable stuff?
If I had to rate it, with the last episode still fresh in my mind even though it was a month ago, I would give this episode a solid:
90 out of 100.
