The mailman always rings twice. But what does the UPS man do? All is answered in this week's brand spankin' new episode of SOUTH PARK.
ANALYSIS
Last week some people got mad at me for writing a review that was essentially an analysis of bullshit because I hadn't finished watching the episode because I had to go pick up pizza.
I own that criticism. It was an awful thing to do especially when you consider how much I am paid to write these reviews. It will never happen again. I promise.
Now, this week we get a crazed Cartman (redundant?) putting together a security force to combat the evil USP guy. The subtext is that Obama's Amerukah is full of covert operatives who are spying on your every move.
No?
Shit.
I admit that I am writing this 4 hours before the episode. I apologize and will never do it again. I have turned over a new leaf on-the-spot like Mitt Romney in last week's debate. No one should call me on it and instead just pretend as if everything I said before never happened.
4.5 hours later
I am now actually watching the episode. I swear. And wow. This is pretty good stuff. Thrilling. Genius. So amazing guys. This part where Kyle and Stan makeout is so Obama. Way to go. Civil rights now! Civil rights forever!
For realz this time folks, 4.5 hours later
I will never lie again. Trust me. Everything I said before was just me on the review trail. I can't be held accountable for what I said there. The only thing that matters is what I say now whether I mean it or not. Sure, I could change my mind after you accept me as your reviewer of choice (spoiler: I will definitely change my mind later), but you should just take it on faith or whatever thing helps manipulate you most that this review and everything contained within it is an honest assessment of what I watched.
If I watched it.
Which I did because I wrote a review and you read it.
I swear to the Lords of Kobol that this is being written after watching the episode
When Ike catches his parents fucking like horsemonkeys while playing the old UPS-man game, Cartman decides it must have been rape and jumps into action and installs a high security system. And when the adult men mistakenly think the UPS-man is going around fucking all their wives, they overreact. Also, people order shit from Amazon all the time and then forget about it.
[Copy and paste someone's words from another review, don't cite the source but change a couple of words like you did all through college, don't worry because people are dumb and won't notice.. just remember to delete this note before you click "Publish"]
At some point Mitt Romney's company, Bane, shows up to kidnap the UPS guy and kick the shit out of him for banging wives.
The moral of the episode? That home security systems are a sham! And that Amazon is addictive. And that James Cameron has a song, or that was last week.
QUOTABLES
Announcer: Fake it, with Cialis. It won't make her any hotter but it'll make you not care for up to 3-hours.
Cartman: Think about it. What kind of sane normal person would want to have sex with Kyle's mom?
Cartman: What if I was someone who wanted to rape my mom?!
Dispatcher: You want to rape your mom?
Cartman: Hello? Did you hear me? A rapist is here. He's white.
Dispatcher: Okay. Should we contact the police?
Cartman: Yes you should contact the fuckin' police! My mom's about to get fuckin' raped!
Dispatcher: Try and stay calm. The police are on their way.
Cartman: Well that's nice. Maybe they can bring some cigarettes and Gatorade because the guy's gonna be pretty wiped out! What the fuck?!
Dispatcher Kevin: Wow, that just fucked my head.
Cartman: Yeah. I just fucked your head and the UPS guy just fucked my mom!
Kyle: The Jewish population isn't dying out, fatass, it's growing!
Cartman: (quietly stunned) What?
[type any kind of shit here, no one reads it anyway, it just helps with Google search --remember to delete this too]
RATING
If I had to rate this episode, and the man in brown shorts says I do, then I'd give it:
88 out of 100
It was good. Most likely. I bet it was. But if it wasn't, then the score is 55 out of 100. Unless it was mediocre in which case it is 76 out of 100.
For some reason, this episode made me think of the craziness in this video around the 6:15 mark.
Ike's little drawing sure made the rounds.
See? I watched it this week.