The boys' ziplining adventure becomes a terrifying experience.
PLOT
Presented like one of those dramatic biographical shows with interviews of those involved and video or reenactments, the episode follows the day-in-the-life of our favorite little 8-year olds (are they still 8 after 16 seasons?).
The boys decide to go ziplining when playing video games and swimming in the city pool with herpes gets boring. When they end up with a tour group of zipliners, the boys have to fake being nice, watch a safety video, and then get on a 45 minute shuttle ride that ends up taking 2-hours. The horror. And likely terrible taste in using the Challenger explosion video from 1986 in a montage of lame shuttle rides. Come on, guys. Too soon! Too fuckin' soon!
After hours of waiting, shuttling, tree lessons, and more babbling, the boys finally get to zipline. And it sucks ass. They aren't remotely impressed and find themselves having to wait for the rest of the group, which for little boys is excruciating. When everyone has finished ziplining and the boys think they are finally going home, they are told the tour goes for another 16 zipline runs. What follows is nothing but a massive mess of misery that includes songs, pictures, more stories, boring ziplining, and the boys screaming in horror.
But what the boys don't know is that inside Cartman's stomach, hell is brewing! When his diarrhea goes out of control from over-consumption of evil foods and beverages, the boys try to escape via horseback but end up with yet another tour group, thereby extending their trip from hell at 4mph.
When the boys find a boat and try to make their escape at 5mph, a live-action reenactment takes place as adult actors portray the animated version of the boys. This includes thunderous projectile diarrhea, vomiting, and beaver attacks. Not to mention Kenny's horrific herpes problem and its ability to jump to the lips of the other three boys... for life! And then the unthinkable happens. Kenny dies... of boredom.
You bastards!
Cartman and Kyle fight about who is responsible for Kenny's death until Stan finally fesses up. It was his idea to go ziplining because if he signed up three friends, he could get a free iPod Nano.
Just as things are looking bleak, Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo comes to save them. Though, his cuteness is really lost in the live-action translation, I must say.
In the end, Kyle spends time in the hospital recovering from fecal matter in his nose. Stan goes back to jacking it in San Diego. And Cartman goes back to drinking Diet Double Dew.
QUOTABLES
Kyle: We could go to the city pool. They have a water-slide.
Cartman: No, no, no, I'm not getting in the pool with Kenny, he has herpes.
Kenny: (muffled) What?!
Cartman: Look at his lip. You got herpes, dude.
Kenny: (muffled) It's not herpes, it's a cold-sore.
Cartman: No, cold-sore is what girls call it, Kenny. It's actually herpes.
Cartman: Heh, did you hear that guys? Kenny says it's just a fever-blister. Heh heh. You sound like a chick, Kenny! That's herpes, dude. You got that shit 'til you die!
Narrator: Inside Kyle's mouth, the muscles contract to force a smile, even though in his brain, Kyle is thinking 'Dude, fuck you!'
Narrator: But what the boys don't realize is that a massive storm is brewing. Last night, Eric Cartman had Kung Pao Spaghetti from California Pizza Kitchen. Inside Eric's stomach, the Kung Pao has just met with the Del Taco he ate for breakfast. It has already started to tear down the layers of BBQ BK Toppers that have been building up for months. And now, to compensate for all the annoying tourists, Eric is ingesting massive amounts of Mountain Dew. The caffeine and sugar turns the sooty fast-food liquid in his stomach into a toxic gas. When the gas is released, it carries with it tiny particles of Eric's fecal matter. Fecal matter which floats up and into Kyle's nasal passage.
Kyle: (yelling across the ravine) Well, how was it, Cartman?!
Cartman: (yelling back) It's totally fuckin' stupid, dude!
Stan: (disappointed) Oh, really?
Cartman: (yelling) Yeah, dude. It's fuckin' boring as shit.
Narrator: But what the boys don't realize is that Eric's body is already shutting down from stage 4 diarrhea. Inside his stomach, bile has just dislodged in Arby's Ultimate Angus. In the average human, this would only cause mild diarrhea. But Eric Cartman is now drinking Double Dew, a Mountain Dew product with twice the sugar and caffeine of regular Mountain Dew. His rancid feces is now rapidly converting to a thick paste. The diarrhea shoots out of Eric's anus and into his underwear. Eric Cartman is a ticking time-bomb.
Kyle: Dude! Did you just shit your pants?!
Cartman: Mmmmmm... no?
Narrator: An attempt to make a bad day better becomes a descent into madness on 'I Should Have Never Thought Horseback Riding Would Be Any Better Than Ziplining.'
Kyle Reenactor: Because we keep getting screwed over by your diarrhea!
Cartman Reenactor: Well, it's not my diarrhea's fault that you took us all ziplining, you fuckin' Jew!
Kyle Reenactor: Ziplining was your idea, fatass!
Narrator: Kenny McCormick has died of boredom.
Kyle Reenactor: Oh my god. They killed Kenny. You bastards!
Cartman Reenactor: No, not they, you! Look what your ziplining idea has done. You killed Kenny. You're the bastard!
Kyle Reenactor: It wasn't my idea, it was yours! You killed Kenny! You bastard!
Kyle: How many iPod Nano's is friendship worth? I guess one.
Stan: (crying) The hardest part about it is knowing you can't take it back. I mean, it was a fifth generation Nano so I can't trade it in anywhere.
Narrator: After nearly four hours in the Colorado wilderness, the boys are finally going home. From the boat, the boys were airlifted aboard Mr. Hankey's Magical Helicrapter. In the four hours since they had left home, the boys had traveled so far that Mr. Hankey then had to fly them on his Seven-Turdy-Seven. From there, it was only an hour ride back home, on the Poo Choo Express.
Cartman: It's diet, dude. Diet soda doesn't give you diarrhea.
RATING
If I had to rate this episode, and Cartman's time traveling Wii thinks I should, I'd give it:
96 out of 100
An episode about the most boring day in the life of a bunch of kids somehow became one of the craziest episodes this show has ever done... and I loved every second of it.