Oh wow, I am actually reviewing an episode of this show again! Aren't you excited?
Yes, I have skipped a few weeks but not because I don't enjoy the show anymore, I just wasn't in the mood to write about it. There are some shows I love that I simply don't enjoy writing about and NEW GIRL is sometimes one of those shows. But today I am feeling frisky so I will tackle it a tad. Though, this isn't going to be some epic COMMUNITY review where I proclaim it the greatest show of all time and meowmeowmeowmeowmeowmeowmeow (Badger!).
Since last I wrote about this show, Jess is dating an old guy. Schmidt and Cece are openly banging. Winston is still whipped. Nick has been four-timing 20-year old girls (my man!).
As the episode begins, Jess has been away with her grampaboyfriend, who is loaded with cash in the pockets, and yes I changed the font on the site since I know you are dying to ask. That's not in the episode but it just crossed my mind as I was writing that previous sentence.
So, Jess comes home to the boys all fresh and sexed, or so I imagine.
Jess: I have so much to tell you! I spent the whole week with rich people! I finally tried port.
Nick: Were you gone last week? Is that why it was so quiet?
Jess: I feel like I haven't seen you guys in so long. You all look so handsome. So grown up.
Winston: Thank you.
Jess: Hey, Nick. Finally notice the 1/8th Cherokee. Winston, that's almost a mustache.
Winston: Yeah. It's creepy and thin, just like I like it.
Schmidt: How was your sexcation with Russel?
Jess: I did have a lot of sex, thank you.
Jess decides to invite Russel to spend the weekend at her apartment but worries about how the boys will behave. Then we get some goofy scenarios acted out. The guys say they can behave around her geriatric-man-whore.
Meanwhile, Winston goes for a job interview and is assaulted by some abrasive douchebags but he takes the offer when he sees Kareem Abdul-Jabbar works there. However, his hero passes him a note that says:
Get out now! Run! You will die here!
When Russel comes over for his stay, the boys are definitely acting weird. Nick's crazy man-crush on Russel has him looking love-sick around him, while Schmidt barks angrily at Jess' humpdoll about sushi. Winston shows up whining about his shitty boss. And then the garbage disposal thingy, or something, goes kookoo for the Coco Puffs and suddenly the show is channeling the Keystone Cops.
The gang then decides to play a drinking game called True American with a series of rules that Russel is bound to not remember. Hell, I thought about writing them down but fuck that. Let's just say that the end result is alcoholism. The winner is somehow determined when Schmidt leaves to go bang Cece.
Drunk Russel then gives sage advice to Winston about how to deal with his boss.
Russel: Here's what you do. Your boss is power-playing you. So, you need to power-play him back. Dip your boys in his shake!
Jess: (with Nick laughing next to her) What?!
Russel: Yeah, that's what you gotta do. Your testicles, dip 'em in, ring 'em out, dip it again and give him the shake.
When Jess realizes that Russel is more interested in hanging with the boys than with her (yeah, that's because dudes rule!) she sulks away to her bedroom. In the morning, she seeks advice from Cece since this is the first time Russel has made her angry. They talk about fighting being healthy or some shit.
Later, Nick talks to Schmidt about an invention that looks like a Swiss Army phone, called Real Apps, but they disagree on design.
Schmidt: Look at this. There's no brushed steel. No nickel. I mean, it's got none of the ball and metals. I mean, come on, man. I'm not gonna get Winklevoss'd because of your sloppiness.
Nick: What you mean 'I'? Real Apps is my idea! You just came up with the name.
Schmidt: Yeah, and the name is the game, friendo!
Schmidt: Would you line up around the corner if they called the iPhone a Slippery Germ Brick?
Nick: Yeah, actually I might.
Schmidt: That's why they call it basketball and not peach-basket-catch-it-up!
Nick: (impressed) You just came up with that?!
At Winston's job, his boss, who is some kind of radio DJ, mocks Winston on-air. Winston's mind begins plotting. At the apartment, Jess and Russel's first-fight is interrupted by Nick and Schmidt's business proposal. Russel, though very hung-over, points out that Real Apps sounds like "relapse." Nick then stabs Russel in the hand with the extremely dangerous prototype. Russel pussies out and runs home because he is a massive cry-baby.
Winston gets punk'd by a little kid and then tells his douche boss that he dropped his baby-maker-pouch in tasty drinks. Bossman thinks it is funny and suggest they do it to Kareem. Finally, Jess and Russel conclude their argument with Spice Girls and potential sex.
If I had to rate this episode, and the lawyers say I do, I'd give it:
78 out of 100
It was okay. Nothing spectacular. I probably should have written about last week's episode since I liked that one more. Oh well. Live and then die alone. Or snuggled up with the one you love. Why are you judging me?!