The GeekFurious TOP 10 Episodes of CHUCK

As this lovely little show comes to an end, one must celebrate its greatness in many ways. This is just one of those ways... by defining the best of the best (so far, since, as of this writing, we are only on episode 4 of season 5)!

So while we have this time, let's punch up the list of the TEN BEST EPISODES OF CHUCK EVER! At least according to the Geek and the Furious:

10. Chuck Versus the Intersect - Season 1, episode 1: The pilot episode comes in at #10 essentially for being one of the best pilot episodes ever made! It does a great job of setting up the characters, the story, and the arcs that will play out for the next few seasons. Plus, Bryce Larkin is a super kung fu monkey in it. He will never be that nimble again.

Chuck: Working on my five-year plan, just need to choose a font.

9. Chuck Versus the Dream Job - Season 2, episode 19: This one could be anywhere on the list, really. It introduces us to Papa B. It has one of Zachary Levi's best performances in anything ever. It also features some of Sarah Lancaster's best work, not to mention Scott Bakula is AWESOME in it! So much to say, and yet I have to move on to the next one.

Chuck: Ellie was really hoping that you might be there to walk her down the aisle.
Papa B: Oh I don't think she would want me there.
Chuck: I, I mean, of course, of course she does. We both do.
Papa B: It's not a good idea. But tell her that I'm happy for her.
Chuck: Are you, are you joking? You have to do this, she's your daughter. Don't you wanna be there?
Papa B: Charles, I can't.
Chuck: I, I don't wanna hear what you can't do! I've seen what you can't do!

8. Chuck Versus the Truth - Season 1, episode 8: Written by fan-favorite Ali Adler. It has drama, comedy, family, romance, and is very memorable to boot. Plus, it was probably the episode that set the Chuck and Sarah will-they-won't-they steamroller into overdrive (though, an episode not on this list, Hard Salami, would mash the nuclear button on that little thingy).

Chuck: What?! You give me crap about lighting some candles and you come in wearing that?
Sarah: What, this? This, this is part of my cover.
Chuck: Well, it doesn't cover a thing.

7. Chuck Versus the Last Details - Season 4, episode 23: Season 4 may be the shipper favorite but it only appears once on this list. However, this is one of the funniest episodes in the series, while also featuring some pretty dramatic stuff. It's also more quotable than most of the season.

Sarah: (addressing Mama B) We're not leaving you here to get tortured, we have a wedding to get you to.
Casey: (opening the cell door) Hey! We gotta move! Let's go!
Mama B: (addressing Sarah) Sweetheart, I know the wedding is important but so is the nation's safety. If I leave now, they will move the weapon and we'll never get it!
Sarah: Mary, don't be stubborn, we're just here to extract you not finish a failed mission!
Mama B: Failed? Stubborn?
Chuck: Okay, okay, okay. Look, here's the plan. I'm gonna go with Casey to get the Norseman. Sarah, you're going to stay with mom, make sure she doesn't get tortured. Everybody good?
Mama B: I don't need backup.
Sarah: Why can't Casey stay with your mom?
Casey: Hell no! I'm going with Chuck!

6. Chuck Versus the Beard - Season 3, episode 9: Most of it happens inside the Buy More. Most of it is about Morgan finding out about the spy world. It is also the first episode directed by Zachary Levi. And it is... awesome! Morgan's reaction to finding out his buddy has been a spy all this time made my geek heart melt.

Chuck: Morgan, the truth is.. the truth is, I am a member of a joint NSA/CIA black-ops team that is stationed here in Burbank. I have a level six clearance and my code-name is Charles Carmichael. I'm a spy buddy.

Casey: What the hell's going on in here?
Big Mike: The store's being bought. They're canning everybody except Bartowski and Grimes.
Jeff: We're staging a revolution, to take down the man!
Casey: I want in!
Lester: How do we know that we can trust you, son? That you're not some kind of spy for the man?
Casey: Because the only thing I hate more than hippy neo-liberal fascists and anarchists, are the hypocrite fatcat suits they eventually grow up to become.
Lester: Yep, that works for me.

5. Chuck Versus the Lethal Weapon - Season 2, episode 16: Not only does this one feature the best challenge to the Chuck and Sarah will-they-won't-they romance, but it also pushed Chuck into standing up for himself and his love. In the end, as Cole Barker loses to Bartowski, and Chuck then defines his intentions to the woman he loves, we end on the knowledge that our hero has had his own agenda the whole time. Essentially, from the second Block Party's "Signs" kicks in, until the end of the episode, is the best five minutes the show has ever done. Riveting stuff.

Chuck: Sarah, I'm not gonna move in with you. Because I can't. And you know why I can't. I'm crazy about you and, and I've always been. But you know having a fake relationship, that's one thing. But living together is.. I mean every day being around each other, and, and.. and that's why I can't do it. And I hope you understand.
Sarah: I do.
Chuck: Thank you. Oh and just so you know, I am gonna get this thing out of my head, one day. I will. And when I do, I'm gonna live the life that I want, with the girl that I love. Because I'm not gonna let this thing rob me of that, I won't.

4. Chuck Versus the Tic Tac - Season 3, episode 10: Casey goes bad? Chuck and Sarah go to save him. And we discover lots about the colonel we didn't know. Features some of the best scenes and sequences in the series. One could even argue this is the best Chuck and Sarah on a mission episode of the series.

General Beckman: We think this might have been an inside job. Only a handful of our people knew the Laudonal was being kept in box 092407.
Chuck: (laughing) Oh yes. I get it now. You're good. You are good, General. You guys, you are good. Very good. This is a test, right?
Casey: Bartowski.
Chuck: First it was the solo mission on the plane. Then turning an assett. Now this time it's (dramatically) 'Chuck will you betray your country or will you turn in your friend and partner, John Casey, for stealing the pill?' I'll play ball. Okay. (pointing at Casey) Guilty. He did it.
General Beckman: (very serious) Are you positive you saw Colonel Casey take the pill, Mr. Bartowski?
Chuck: (happily) Yeah! (realizing something is up) No? No, no I would, I would, I would actually not use the word positive. It was very poorly lit in that, ummm. I'm, I'm wrong half the time, so.
General Beckman: Colonel Casey, would you care to respond?
Casey says nothing. Sarah reaches for her gun.
Chuck: Whoa, whoa, woah, woah, woah. Hang on a second. Let's just all take a breath here, okay? John Casey is one of the most loyal spies out there. He would never do anything to jeopardize the CIA. Casey, tell 'em!
Casey: With all due respect, General. I will excercise my right to remain silent under the Fifth Amendment to the Constitution.
Chuck: What're you doing?
General Beckman: Agent Walker, please relieve the Colonel of his weapon.
Sarah: (pointing her weapon at Casey, looking determined but confused) John, you wanna tell me what's going on?

3. Chuck Versus the Break-Up - Season 2, episode 3: If season 1 had the Chuck and Sarah steamroller and the nuclear button, this was the episode that blew up the brains of shippers everywhere. It also brought back Bryce Larkin who was either Chuck's best friend or worst enemy. It's still up for debate. Lots of crazy fun stuff happens and it all culminates with a classic speech from Chuck to a Sarah who is getting too close to her asset.

Chuck: Look, we both know how I feel about you so I'm just gonna shoot straight. Sarah, you're the greatest thing that's ever happened to me. You're beautiful, you're smart, you laugh at all of my stupid jokes and you have this horrible habit of constantly saving my life. The truth is, you're everything that I thought I ever wanted and more. And for the last few days all I can think about is our future together. About what, what it's going to be like once I finally get the Intersect out of my head. How we'll finally be together for real. No fake relationships, no covers, no lies. But the more I think about it, the more I realize that you and I can never have a future together. I fooled myself into thinking that we could but the truth is we can't. Because even if we had a real relationship it would never really be real. I'd still never know anything about you. Your real name, your home town, your first love, anything. And I want more than that. I wanna be able to call you at the end of a bad day and tell you about some funny thing that Morgan did and not find out that I can't because you're off somewhere in Paraguay quelling a revolution with a fork. I'm a normal guy who wants a normal life. And as amazing as you are, Sarah Walker, we both know that you will never be normal.
Sarah: You know, some day, when the Intersect is out of your head and you have the life that you always wanted, you'll forget all about me.
Chuck: I seriously doubt that.

2. Chuck Versus the Honeymooners - Season 3, episode 14: The episode that wasn't supposed to happen. The show was a lock to be cancelled after 13 but NBC had so many other problems that they ordered more and what followed is easily one of the best. Sarah being cute and funny? Check! Chuck speaking French and Texan? Check! Casey and Morgan having to work together to find the two love birds? Yup. And everything coming together with our two leads having to fight a room full of bad guys handcuffed together? You know it! And if that wasn't enough, how about we end it on the most perfect note? Done. Sure, this may not be as well written as some of the episodes, and the spy story isn't all that interesting, but it is one of those episodes that ranks high for being so emotionally satisfying from beginning to end. A blast to watch over and over and over.

Chuck and Sarah have both been secretly spying after telling each other they wouldn't.
Sarah: You know, Chuck, I can't fake this. Not with you.
Chuck: (jumping up in bed) What?! You've been faking it the whole time?!
Sarah: No, no, no, not that. I spotted a Basque terrorist on board, Juan...
Chuck: (finishing her sentence) Diego Arnaldo, I know, I flashed on him. He has a whole list of names in his room.
Sarah: Yeah. All of his contacts from the Euskadi Ta Askatasuna!
Chuck: Oh my god. You even make terrorist groups sound sexy.
Sarah: So you were the one I was hiding from.
Chuck: You were the one in the bathroom? You know, Juan Diego Arnaldo is a terrorist, after all, it would be irresponsible..
Sarah: (finishing his sentence) Even criminal to turn our backs on him.
Chuck: One last mission before we quit?
Sarah: One last mission.

1. Chuck Versus the Colonel - Season 2, episode 21: If nirvana was ever achieved on CHUCK its name is Colonel. Chuck and Sarah are on the run and have to shack up in a no-tell-motel and have to share a bed. When they wake up, they are snuggling. Do they stop? Nope. They attack each other like crazed ANIMALS! Oh and Papa B being held by Fulcrum; Casey seemingly working against Chuck and Sarah but really just moody about not being included in their plan; Captain Awesome and John Casey fighting; Awesome discovering the truth about Chuck, then having a terrible time keeping it a secret; Chuck's first de-Intersecting; the near annihilation of Fulcrum, and so on and so on and so on. This is the best episode ever made!

Chuck: (speaking very quickly) Devon, I am a high level CIA asset and these are my handlers. For the past two-years they've had to watch and protect my every move.
Sarah: Chuck! No!
Chuck: He can handle it! You can handle this right? Tell me you can handle this.
Awesome: You're being serious? He's being serious?!
Chuck: Devon, I need you to help me. I need you to be cool about this. I need you to cover for me with Ellie. I need you to be awesome. Can you be awesome?
Awesome: You're a spy, Chuck?
Chuck: Yeah, more or less, yeah.
Awesome: (taking it all in) Woah. Wow! This is.. awesome! Yeah! (they high-five) I knew you weren't a loser who worked at the Buy More!
Chuck: Loser's a little, that's a little harsh. Okay, here, here's the thing, the Buy More actually is real. But here's the most important thing and I need you to do this for me right now. I need you to go home and handle Ellie. That is your mission. Can you do that?
Awesome: I got your back, bro. (salutes)
Chuck: Right. Right. (salutes back)
Awesome: Spy!
Chuck: Keep that on the DL.

Honorable Mentions: Wookiee, Salami, Seduction, Cougars, DeLorean, Santa Claus, Suburbs, Operation Awesome, Living Dead, Subway, Phase Three, Seduction Impossible, and Frosted Tips.

So what do you think are the top 10 episodes of the series. Obviously this list isn't the end-all, be-all, final word on the matter. Surely some crazy shipper list would include nothing but terrible episodes where Chuck and Sarah kissed or held hands while the writing, acting, and story sucked hardcore. Also, once season 5 ends, this list may change. But it is what it is, for now.

Anonymous commenting, as always, is available if you can't be bothered to identify yourself.

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Skyrim PC Patch 1.2 and why you should NOT download it.

Sure, this game is awesome, even if buggy, but thankfully Bethesda is patching it so it will all be good. Right?

Right?

Well, in this instance, wrong. Because this latest patch causes more problems than it solves. Here is one of them:



Or this:



And apparently this latest patch has totally screwed up damage and magic resistance (this is from the PS3 but apparently applies to the PC too):



So, instead of patching, wait for them to fix the things they screwed up while trying to fix the game.

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NEW GIRL 1.07: Bells!

In the latest episode of NEW GIRL, Jess got bells and Winston got bellsier, while Nick and Schmidt went to war. More after I hit enter twice.

Winston's competitiveness story-line was interesting to some degree but I only cared about it as it related to the humor in the scenes. I liked when the show took us to his job, from the boredom of temp work to later, when the bells had so consumed his time that it caused his firing. But whether or not he has a competitive personality or how it affected the kids couldn't have been any less interesting. And since it almost completely took up Jess' story-line as well, this was the first episode where I felt very little connection to her.

So, it all fell on the Nick vs. Schmidt stuff. Here is where the episode felt the most genuine to me. Schmidt, who has a job that pays him well, having to suffer bad plumbing because Nick is poor, was at least a story-line of substance. Though, a show like COMMUNITY or SOUTH PARK would have taken it further and made it about economic inequality and how Schmidt's initial disregard for Nick's significance as it relates to what he can financially bring to the table, versus Nick feeling insulted by Schmidt's need to pay the problem away, was a cause-and-effect of a lack of sympathy and empathy. But this show doesn't seem to want to become about more than the moment, and so we got some funny scenes between the two roommates as they try to one-up the other in a demonstration of their importance, but not much more.

Nick, who has taken it upon himself to "fix" anything in the apartment, instead of paying for someone to do it, starts un-fixing things. Schmidt, who seems to have paid for the majority of furniture and appliances in the apartment, evicts Nick and his things from them. This includes all of Nick's food content in the freezer which Schmidt gently, like a ninja, leaves in Nick's bed as he sleeps. That's some heavy sleeping or major assassin skills.

And that's really the extend of the episode. Lots of bells. Lots of yelling. In the end Winston accepts that he is too competitive, while Nick and Schmidt make up like guys tend to do, with one dude asking the other if he wants to go to a bells concert, and then sharing gum while listening to Eye of the Tiger. So typical.

And now for some quotables from the episode:

Schmidt is eating a platter of sushi by himself and offers some to Nick, who refuses.
Nick: Looks like you are soloing on $80 worth of sushi, Schmidt.
Schmidt: 'Cause I got the means, player.

Winston's temp job is so boring that he is on the verge of cracking.
Wintson: I'm losing my mind, guys. You know I sometimes touch the frayed part of the power cord just to feel something.

When Jess brings over a bunch of kids with bells the boys are not happy.
Schmidt: Is this something that a mean creative judge made you do?
Nick: Yeah, this is just like a nightmare I had where you brought over teenagers with bells!

When the boys object to Jess bringing the kids over, she reacts aggressively.
Jess: And I'm not really asking permission, I'm giving you a heads-up. (uncomfortable silence) Well, that got serious!

When one of the kids uses the toilet and it floods, Nick has to manipulate his creative fix-it.
Nick: There we go. No problem.
Schmidt: Perfect. You did it. The plastic soda bottle is right where it's supposed to be. Back in the wall-hole!

When Winston shows a crazy impressive natural ability to play bells, Jess asks him to work with her and the kids.
Wintson: I don't know, I think I could be into this.
Jess: Yay!
Nick: And with that statement, he never had sex again.

Schmidt, having asked Nick for a "fancy fix" of the toilet, is impatient as Nick works on the problem.
Schmidt: Nick, look, I don't mean to nag you but how long is this going to take?
Nick: Fancy fix? Fancy amount of time.

Schmidt: If only there was some sort of pipe and water expert that we could hire to come fix this problem.
Nick: Yeah, I can't afford a plumber.
Schmidt: A plumber! That's what it's called!

When Schmidt hires a plumber, Nick is not happy. The two argue about throwing money at a problem.
Schmidt: Is this 'my favorite bedspread' all over again?
Nick: That was a handmade gift my nanny gave me that you spilled a pitcher of Midori Sours on and now you bring it up like it's nothing?!
Schmidt: I left you a check for $30 on your pillow. Your nanny gave you that thing for free. So as far as I'm concerned, you're up thirty bucks.
Nick: My nanny is dead! I'm not looking to make money off of her!
Schmidt: I will not apologize again for the Midori Sour!
Nick: Who drinks Midori Sour?!

Schmidt: It's an American classic with Asian influences!

When Schmidt tries to shoot baskets inside the apartment, the backboard falls off nearly hitting him.
Nick: Yeah, I unfixed that.
Schmidt: Yeah, well how you gonna unfix a dead Schmidt?!

When an un-fixed cabinet door falls off as Jess tries to open it, she expresses her frustration.
Jess: This has to stop! It's not my war!

Schmidt suspects Nick has been using his hair product.
Nick: Okay, Schmidt, I didn't use your conditioner.
Schmidt: Why's your hair look so baby soft?!

After the two argue, Schmidt angrily calls Nick a loser but immediately feels bad about it.
Schmidt: Just these are the things that come out, man, when you take another man's conditioner.

Nick and Winston talk seriously about friends.
Nick: You know what sucks about getting older? Your friends have known you for way too long. They've got too much on ya.
Winston: Yup.
Nick: I want friends who still lie to me because they don't want to hurt my feelings. I sadly kind of mean that.

If I had to rate this one I'd give it:

78 out of 100

It wasn't anything special but I did enjoy the bro-fighting and the somewhat memorable bits of dialogue.

I can't believe I put this much time into an episode I didn't love (the quotable stuff mostly).

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Review: Korn - The Path of Totality

The 10th album in this nu metal band's storied career has escaped and I'm here to squeeze the life out of it.

I admit, Korn isn't a band that is ever on my radar and I didn't even bother following the release date information about this album, so it kind of caught me by surprise when it landed on my doorstep, or something. I quickly popped this thing into my massive sound system and let it rip. And boy was I fuckin' surprised.

This ditty is experimental to say the least. It is a mixture of the Korn sound (which is clear as day, as you are never confused as to what band made this shit) and a bunch of electronic house shit I would never fuckin' listen to otherwise. But is it a massive shitfest like Lou Reed and Metallica's abortionaholic Lulu? Fuck no. It is actually, quite surprisingly, damn good.

Let's rate the tracks (mixer, producer, or whatever you want to call it in parentheses):

1. "Chaos Lives in Everything" (Skrillex) - A nice little intro into this new sound. Kicks off like I'm getting assaulted or raped at some techno rave. Then the vocals kick in and I'm not totally on board but it doesn't take long for the totality (see what I did?) of sound to wash over me and I'm cool with what I'm hearing. Good beat, melody, and overall atmosphere. 85 out of 100

2. "Kill Mercy Within" (Noisia) - The opening reminds me a bit of Mastodon. There is a nice bit of subtlety that leads into a cool NIN type thing. It's not an awesome track, nor do I feel violated in any way. I'm liking it enough that I don't feel like going immediately to the next track. Great thing is that it's short and doesn't overstay its welcome. 80 out of 100

3. "My Wall" (Excision) - No subtlety. Nice beat. Nothing special. The melody isn't all that memorable. But like the previous track, it is short and even if I'm not digging it too much, I'm not subjected to five minutes or more of it (fuck you, Lulu). 76 out of 100

4. "Narcissistic Cannibal" (Skrillex, Kill the Noise) - Holy fuck this is awesome. Orgasmic. It could win in a knife fight with the best Korn has ever offered. Superb beat, melody, vocals, and overall construction. Reminds me of those good old days, chillin' out in New Jersey metal clubs that played all kinds of shit, like God Lives Underwater to Orgy. In fact, those are the two bands that come to mind as I listen to this track over and over. Fuckin' love the motherfuck out of this track. 98 out of 100

5. "Illuminati" (Excision, Downlink) - Bow down before the one you serve, you're going to get what you deserve! No? Okay, so it is a bit more original than that. But it's a tad inspired. Still, that was a great song and this is the bastard child of its ethereal inspiration. I dig the beat but I actually really like the later shift to a quieter head-space. Would have liked a bit more of that as it would have set the track apart even more. 83 out of 100

6. "Burn the Obedient" (Noisia) - The song asks me if I am scared, and I am... but not of a piece of music. That's fuckin ridiculous. But maybe I should be because I'm not totally in love with this one. It's not bad but without the proper amount of alcohol, drugs, or brain damage, I don't think I will be listening to it ever again. 70 out of 100

7. "Sanctuary" (Downlink) - The opening is trying the patience of my ears to be buzzzzzzzed like a mad fuckin' beehive. There is an okay melody hidden tightly away in some sections of this one but my sensitive ears are on fire from the buzzzzzzzz and only exasperating my tinnitus. Still, it is somewhat saved by listenable sections and so I survive. 75 out of 100

8. "Let's Go" (Noisia) - It's a happy little number. Upbeat like an anxious 20-year old club chick demonstrating her willingness to please any man who will drown out the daddy-issue noises in her brainz. And just like her, I am over and done with it quickly and nearly forgotten, but still holding onto the memory that something kind of fun just happened. 78 out of 100

9. "Get Up!" (Skrillex) - Woohoo! I am in the new TRON movie! Well, that's how I felt when it started. Anyway, this is a bit all over the place but I am digging it. Beats, vocal melodies, hardcore stuff, and a cool groove thang. There is kind of a riffing on the techno stuff past the midpoint that is cool but also has some jarring male vocal line that sounds like someone having a finger pushed too far up their asshole. I have to take off 5 points just for that. What the fuck? 80 out of 100

10. "Way Too Far" (12th Planet) - Apparently someone fell and broke a leg. I like the heavier shit in this track, followed by the big melodies. It's an interesting mix of genres, from hardcore barking to the chorus, if we want to call it that, being a bit poppy. I'd say this is one of the more daring and standout tracks. Maybe not my favorite but I respect it for trying some cool shit. 90 out of 100

11. "Bleeding Out" (Feed Me) - Opens pretty and then kicks some fuckin' ass about a minute in, then shifts to hauntingly melodic. I could see this working either with all this tech behind it or purely as part of a normal Korn set. It has a classic feel to it while sounding current. It even brings back the bagpipes for good measure. It's all kinds of cool. 95 out of 100

12. "Fuels the Comedy" (Kill the Noise) - One of the two bonus tracks that you may or may not have on your purchase. Rap metal is sometimes cool and sometimes not. This is one of those not times. But right around the two minute mark the track goes in a cool direction and I would like to hear that song more than this one. 70 out of 100

13. "Tension" (Excision, Datsik, Downlink) - I go in and out of love throughout its nearly four minutes. It plods a long spookily and parts of the vocal phrasing toward the end's a lot of fun. It's one of those things you probably either love or hate and I'm going to go with love. 87 out of 100

Overall

83 out of 100

It is actually an 82 if we include the bonus tracks but I am going to bump it up to the 83 anyway. That would make it a B-grade album. Has some excellent stuff on it but also some so-so to borderline not-so-good material. However, nothing on the album stands out as awful (fuck you, Lulu). It's not the band's best work but it is a quality release nonetheless and a big surprise when you consider the change in musical direction. As experimental metal band albums go, this one is a winner.

Fuck you very much, again, Loutallica.

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