Happy Leap Day! Marvel and Paramount decided to celebrate the day by unleashing what should be the last trailer before the movie is released.
Umm, May 4th can't get here soon enough.
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After Malory tells Archer and Lana her story about how the prime minister was murdered, Archer isn't buying her version of events.
Archer: Lawyer up. Call the cops.
Archer: Oh and hit the throttle on the bourbon because I'm gonna have to, uhh [chuckles to himself] bust you in the face a couple of times.
Malory: What're you talking about?!
Archer: Self-defense, mother. It's your only shot. We've gotta uncuff him and de-dildo him, obviously. We'll smash the furniture like he was chasing you around all rapey. Fortunately, he's Italian, so that shouldn't be too hard to sell.
Malory has a flashback to her interaction with her super that she thinks may make dumping a body problematic.
Super: [speaking with an Irish accent] Well, ma'am. It's just that Christmas, the tenants usually give me a small consideration for the work I do all year keeping up the building. We surely count on it, ma'am, especially this year as we had more than the usual medical bills.
Malory: Your point being?
Super: Well, it's just that for the third year running, you gave me a potato.
Malory: Oh dear. So once again you're faced with the classic Irishman's dilemma. Do I eat the potato now or let it ferment so I can drink it later?! [slams door shut]
Little Boy: [coughing and on a crutch] Will I get the operation now, dad?
Super: No, son. [wipes tear with the potato] You're gonna die.
Randy reveals his massive marijuana crop to the gang.
Ray: How did you afford all this?!
Randy: Farm subsidy.
Jenell: He told the government he's growing corn for that high fluctose syrup.
Randy: But damned if I'm gonna contribute to the obesity epidemic!
Archer: Hey, a man's gotta have a code.
Randy seems to think the Bible gives him permission to have an open relationship but Ray tells Archer otherwise. When Archer finds Randy's wife alone, he finds a way to skirt around it.
Archer: What is important is that Randy gave me a Bible lesson.
Jenell: Yeah? And what did the Bible say?
Archer: Well, Jenell, obviously the actual scripture is open to interpretation, but what I took away from it is that we should go in the barn and screw our brains out on a huge pile of marijuana.
Jenell: It didn't say nothing about a rubber, did it?
Archer: [happily chuckling] It did not!
During the big shootout, Archer, having downed tons of moonshine, isn't much help.
Randy: Well, don't just sit there! Shoot!
Archer: Ohhh. I can't. Ohhh. I feel sick. What's happening? Do I have cancer again?
Ray: You drank too much!
Archer: That's a thing?
Schmidt and Cece have just finished having sex, again, and he is excitedly happy while she is horrified by her need for him.
Schmidt: It was like a river. Did you feel that? Did you feel me sweeping you along with the current of my body? You were like a canoe on my body river. [laughs] Like you'd ever be sea-worthy with those breasts. Boobies.
Cece: I wish there was a word that meant complete satisfaction and complete self-loathing.
Schmidt: I've never seen a woman bite her own shoulder before.
Cece: [getting out of bed] That was the last time!
Schmidt: You said that twice last night. You'll be back. I'm like your black-tar heroin. Just need that sweet taste in your veins. Schmidtle. 'And the Damage Done.' Neil Young, yo.
Later, Cece can't get enough of the Schmidtle and calls him down to her car where they argue over where to have their next sexy-time session.
Cece: What about just a little good old-fashion car sex?
Schmidt: I can't do any of my moves in there. I like to improvise with my body. I'm like a sexual snowflake. Each night with me is a unique experience.
Cece: Okay! Are we gonna do this or not? 'Cause I kinda need this to happen right now! Okay? I mean, isn't there like a Starbucks bathroom around here or something we could use?
Schmidt: What do I like like? A gypsy courtesan?
Schmidt: Look, Jess, truth is I don't go out on Valentine's Day.
Schmidt: There's no thrill. All these bars filled with emotionally vulnerable women, I'm like a Dominican teenager playing Little League. It's just not fair for everybody else.
Schmidt: Is that like horny?
Jess: I got the dirty twirl, Schmidty! Watch out, 'cause you're about to get laid [pause], world!
Nick: Well, first of all, you're gonna need a map of Arizona.
Julia: I can get that.
Nick: And a container that you're comfortable getting urine in.
Julia: Oh, I have one in my purse!
Nick: You do?
Winston: Dude, we're just trying to figure each other out, that's all.
Schmidt: You know where that puts you in six months? Yeah, watching 'It's Complicated' on DVD while you cradle your newborn baby to sleep. And guess what? It's not complicated. It's about a bunch of rich white people who are remodeling their kitchen. You sure you're really ready for that?
Jess: Yes! I have no emotional connection to him at all! But I'm just gonna eat lunch off that butt.
Schmidt: A hundred condoms? What're you gonna have sex with an army?
Cliff: So how did you get that far into law school and then drop out?
Nick: Well, I got my heart broken.
Nick: And then everything got weird. I started playing guitar in an old-country ska band.
Nick: Gambling a lot. There was a really weird week where I wore a long blond wig and I made everybody call me Sandy Ferguson.
Cliff: I have never loved anyone that much.
Nick: Then I drove to Mexico and I tried to enter a cock fight.
Cliff: As a person?
Nick: Yes, Cliff. As a person.
Nick: Julia, I am so sorry! I just told him a story about when I got arrested in Mexico.
Julia: You got arrested in Mexico?
Nick: I wasn't gonna tell you until after you got knocked-up and were stuck with me.
"Light and noise filled the little corner of the cantina, and when it had faded, all that remained of the unctuous alien was a smoking, slimy spot on the stone floor.
Solo brought his hand and the smoking weapon it held out from beneath the table, drawing bemused stares from several of the cantina's patrons and clucking sounds from its more knowledgable ones. They had known the creature had committed its fatal mistake in allowing Solo the chance to get his hands under cover."
Archer arrives to the mission drunk and his mother is not happy.
Malory: You knew we were transporting a dangerous terrorist to Canada! So how and why are you drunk at six o'clock?!
Archer: [very drunk] Well, the how's pretty self explanatory. And the why is because I thought we were leaving at six AM tomorrow! Ergo, Latin, plenty of time to sleep it off.
Lana: Well, drink some coffee because there's a good chance Bilko's terrorist pals..
Bilko: [interrupting] Alleged terrorist pals.
Lana: [continuing] Are gonna attack the train at some point and try to bust him loose.
Malory: I'm sorry, but how is that 'Awesome'?
Archer: Because! Pretty much my whole life I've wanted to fight some guys on the roof of a speeding train.
Bilko: Well, if I know my boys, you may just get your wish.
Archer: Ohhh, thanks, Freddy Foreshadowing. [pause] Who is this?
Cyril: [with Malory and Lana sighing] Come on, Archer.
Archer: Please tell me he's a renown chicken and waffle chef. Because, I am starving.
On the train, Archer continues to drink and Lana isn't happy about it.
Lana: Archer, at any time in the next twelve hours, this train could be attacked by radical Nova Scotian separatists!
Archer: [amused] Armed with what? Pamphlets about Canada's responsible gun control laws?
Archer gives in to Lana's demands for him to sober up with coffee.
Archer: [to the bartender] Hey, Heinz 56, can I get an Irish coffee?
Archer: Lana! I have to taper off! Trust me, if these Nova [unsure] Scojans are a real threat, you do not want me hung over!
Lana: Do you even still get hangovers?
Archer: Normally no, but I drank about two gallons of Mamajuanas this afternoon. I was, uhh, playing dominoes with, uhh, a Dominic bike gang.
Bilko, hiding in a bathroom, calls his terrorist pals to come save him and mistakenly thinks he has heard Archer killing the train's porter.
Bilko: [on the phone] Okay boys. Make sure you bring the heavy stuff. 'Cause these crazy ISIS bastards aren't playing. They just killed a black guy. I know, right? Welcome to America.
As Archer gives a food order for his mother to the porter, George, the train suddenly slows down.
Archer: Wait. Why are we slowing down?
George: We're at the border.
George: Umm, this new place called Canada.
George: So customs, passport control, immigration. You know, the border.
Archer: Yeah but with America.
Lana: They still guard the border!
Archer: [amused] Lana, we're going into Canada!
With Bilko escaping via the roof of the train, Archer pursues him with glee.
Archer: [climbing a ladder to the top of the train cars] Oh my god. This is going to be awes[he hits the top of the car and the fast moving wind hits him]shit! Ow! The dust! It's like being shot in the eyes by a glitter gun! [puts on night vision goggles] There, that oughta do it. Okay, let's try that ag[sticks his head up and is immediatly hit in the eyes with the bright headlights from an oncoming train] ahhhhh shit! Retinas! Sheered like tuna steaks! All I want is to fight on the top of a train! Is that too much to ask?! [turns off the night vision] The good news is now I'm furious.
As Archer rides the elevator up to the ISIS offices he ponders what kind of celebration awaits him.
Archer: I wonder what the guys in the office have planned for my birthday. I wonder if Fudgie the Whale will be there. Or Cookie Puss. [amused] Cookie Puss. Those guys at Carvel know what they're doing.
Lana demonstrates that Archer's new car is bullet proof by shooting it with her fully automatic weapon of choice. Fred catches a ricocheting bullet to the gut.
Archer: [excited] Holy shit!
Fred: [on the ground and bleeding] Yeah, I'm like a magnet.
Archer: Fred, shut up. [sits in the car] What else does it do?!
Doctor Krieger: Press that red button.
Archer: Wait, is it gonna kill everybody?
Doctor Krieger: Press that blue button.
Voice: Welcome Mr. Archer.
Archer: It does know my name!
While watching the promo video for his new car and seeing all the cool features included, he opines.
Archer: It makes the Mach 5 look like a vagina.
When the glove-box bar is revealed, Archer loses his shit. Then falls in love.
Archer: It's like seeing the face of god.