Jess and friends are back in an episode that was written about me. Clearly. Since I refuse to go to doctors no matter what. Even though I've probably had 12 heart attacks in the last month. I'll just soldier through it. No worries.
I do sometimes worry about that burning sensation in my... but that's not important right now.
So Nick gets injured in a friendly game of American football when Jess decides that tackling the dude without the ball is part of the rules (or because she's horny and he's single).
Jess: Are you sure you're okay? You're walking like a Disney witch. Let me drive you to your doctor.
Nick: I don't have a doctor. I don't have insurance.
After trying to escape his friends' concerns, Nick crashes his car into Winston's already beat-up piece of shit likely improving the value of the vehicle. Jess insists that Nick go with her to see her friend, a doctor, and he obliges, but at her office he discovers a problem.
Nick: Jess, is Sadie a gynecologist?
Jess: No, she's an OBGYN.
Nick: Ohh! I'm gonna go.
Jess: Different thing.
Nick tries to leave, because he isn't in a possession of something the ladies call a vagina, but is in too much pain and totally broke, and is forced to accept the probing.
In Winston's world, a mechanic tells him that his busted ass vehicle is kaput. He isn't happy about it since it has sentimental boobies value. Schmidt tries to be reasonable.
Schmidt: It's time for you to buy a new car.
Winston: You buy a new car!
Schmidt: I bought a new car. It's what you borrow every morning when this one makes the weird sound.
Back at the doctor's office, Sadie diagnoses Nick with a bruised spine... wait, no she DOESN'T diagnose him with a bruised spine. She also DOESN'T give him pills for the pain and DOESN'T tell him to take them, since she isn't officially caring for him as a patient.
Sadie: Please don't take those pills.
Jess: Take the pills.
Sadie: Don't take those pilllls.
Jess: Take the pills.
Sadie: Nobody prescribed them, why would you take them?
Jess: Take them. Take them.
The confused Nick gives in to the pain and takes the pills.
Sadie: Those are designed for severe menstrual cramps so they should cure your baby back ache.
Sadie somehow notices a growth in Nick's throat or something depressing and tells him she wants to do tests. Nick's obviously going to die... like me... and all those... never mind.
When Nick makes up excuses for not going for an ultrasound, Jess tells the boys about the growth and they try to guilt him into having it checked out. That doesn't work so well, so they all cry. Eventually, as the menstrual cramp pills kick into effect, Nick gets a bit drunky about the whole thing and starts contemplating his funeral and demands Jess not speak at it because of her goofy ways.
Nick: You can go to my funeral, but you can't talk!
Nick: My funeral is my time to shine! I want the girls to think 'I wish I'd brought Nick Miller to orgasm.' And I want the guys to think 'I wish I'd bought him more stuff.' And I don't want Daffy Duck voices and feeling sticks. You don't, you don't know how to be real. I can't have you trying to cheer people up.
Jess: I know how to be real.
Nick: Question. Am I wearing a hat?
Later, as the gang makes up a song and rap about Nick, Jess decides to now suddenly be all realzies and kill the happy buzz going by pointing out that Nick has never done or finished anything he wanted to do. Nick confesses his soul.
Nick: Like I'm the, I'm the guy that if I don't know what's gonna happen, I don't do something. Ever. I don't care how bad I want to do it. I don't do it. Like if everybody got into the ocean and jumped into the water, well I'm the guy on the beach guarding the wallets.
Jess decides Nick will jump into the ice-cold ocean early in the morning. As he runs off, Schmidt realizes his best friend's penis is about to be revealed and runs after him. But once Nick spends a few seconds in the water, the ordeal of the day hits him and he freaks out. We then learn that Cece's dad died when she was 12; that Schmidt had a human-sized cat; and that Nick likes Jess a lot. The gang then sleeps on the beach.
Upon seeing daylight and sobering up some, Nick decides to go for the ultrasound.
At the doctor's office, he is asked for his insurance.
Nick: Oh, I'm gonna be, I'm gonna be paying with cash, actually. It's a mixture of, uhh, paper money and change. I do have a check that is post-dated. There's a 60/40 shot that's gonna clear. I hope that's good.
In the end, Nick just has a cyst and his friends pay for his checkup. Winston says goodbye to his motor-vehicle.
If I had to rate this one, I'd give it:
81 out of 100
It had a sort of bummer CHUCK episode vibe to it. I liked it but also didn't feel it had any big moments. Mostly just a few that never reached greatness. I wonder if the writers plan on taking any big dramatic risks with the show. I guess with the ratings high, they have no reason to do anything like that. Thankfully, I'm still digging the characters, dialogue, and show in general.