Poor Jess, no guy to bang and has to hang out with Schmidt. What's an adorkable chick gotta do to get laid?!
Schmidt: Look, Jess, truth is I don't go out on Valentine's Day.
Schmidt: There's no thrill. All these bars filled with emotionally vulnerable women, I'm like a Dominican teenager playing Little League. It's just not fair for everybody else.
But Jess gets a bit beggy and reveals she's feeling "twirly."
Schmidt: Is that like horny?
Jess: I got the dirty twirl, Schmidty! Watch out, 'cause you're about to get laid [pause], world!
Meanwhile, Nick and Julia plan their first Valentine's Day date.
Nick: Well, first of all, you're gonna need a map of Arizona.
Julia: I can get that.
Nick: And a container that you're comfortable getting urine in.
Julia: Oh, I have one in my purse!
Nick: You do?
Winston and Shelby are apparently going on their first real date on Valentine's Day and Schmidt thinks it is a bad idea.
Winston: Dude, we're just trying to figure each other out, that's all.
Schmidt: You know where that puts you in six months? Yeah, watching 'It's Complicated' on DVD while you cradle your newborn baby to sleep. And guess what? It's not complicated. It's about a bunch of rich white people who are remodeling their kitchen. You sure you're really ready for that?
Inside the apartment, Cece is listening to one-night-stand Jess discuss the needs of her vagina, that she has named "Little Jess." Apparently her dirty twirl is on fire and antibiotics won't fix things.
Nick goes to Julia's lawyer office to pick her up for their special day together but she isn't ready to leave yet, even though he's wearing his boxers on the outside and she has glowing hearts on the top of her head (I wanna marry her!). Winston goes to Shelby's place thinking they are going to have a quiet night together but discovers she has invited her girlfriends over and they're doing yucky girly things together (and I don't mean the kind that you see in a porno either). And over at one-night-stand world, Little Jess tries to pick up that blond dude who has lots of sex from TRUE BLOOD. You know the guy I'm talking about. Though, on this show, his name is Oliver, he dumbdumb, and he loves lunch.
Jess: Yes! I have no emotional connection to him at all! But I'm just gonna eat lunch off that butt.
As Jess runs off to powder her muffin, Cece tries to help Schmidt get some action by making some random chick jealous. Before things can get too hot and sexy, Kyle (I think that's his name) shows up all shroomed up and racist and takes Cece away, leaving Schmidt to watch over Jess. She soon returns to inform him that she's going home with Oliver and proves she is ready by revealing a massive box of da rubrubs.
Schmidt: A hundred condoms? What're you gonna have sex with an army?
Unfortunately for Schmidt, he gets stuck driving Oliver, the most boring man in the universe, and Jess to their sex rendezvous. Also known as a sexdezvous. Just made that one up, folks. Hey, fuck you! It's my birthday tomorrow (or today if you are reading this on the 15th)!
So, Nick's still at Julia's lawyer office, since she's delayed by work and he is stuck hanging with her intern, Cliff, who is much too curious about their love life. Winston is trapped inside Shelby's apartment doing girly things. And Jess is hanging out with Oliver at his place, but with Schmidt unwilling to leave because she has no ride back, Little Jess can't get her twirl on. Thankfully, Cece saves the day by telling Schmidt she'll pick him up so Jess can use his car to get home.
Still unable to go out on his date with his precious angel Julia, Nick bonds with a curious Cliff.
Cliff: So how did you get that far into law school and then drop out?
Nick: Well, I got my heart broken.
Nick: And then everything got weird. I started playing guitar in an old-country ska band.
Nick: Gambling a lot. There was a really weird week where I wore a long blond wig and I made everybody call me Sandy Ferguson.
Cliff: I have never loved anyone that much.
Nick: Then I drove to Mexico and I tried to enter a cock fight.
Cliff: As a person?
Nick: Yes, Cliff. As a person.
Nick's story of love so inspires Cliff that he decides he doesn't want to be a lawyer either and he dramatically quits in front of Julia, citing Nick as his inspiration.
Nick: Julia, I am so sorry! I just told him a story about when I got arrested in Mexico.
Julia: You got arrested in Mexico?
Nick: I wasn't gonna tell you until after you got knocked-up and were stuck with me.
Poor Julia is stuck doing all the work now and tells Nick to go home. What a bitch!
In Jess world, as she makes out with lunchboy, his ex Amy shows up as she is still living with him. Soon Cece shows up, followed by Schmidt, and then shroom-dude. Suddenly Amy starts making out with Kyle, which then causes Cece to attack and we have a cat fight! But it's soon broken up by Schmidt, who carries Cece out, quickly followed by Kyle who follows a Jess-tossed shiny out the door.
Jess tries to do makeout time with lunchbox but Amy's taco fetish ruins the mood and the dirty twirl turns into an escape from the weirdos.
Super boyfriend Nick finishes up Julia's work so they can be totally romantic and shit together. She's all affected by his sweetness, even though he did all the work wrong, but doesn't suddenly sex him up like any good girlfriend should and instead continues working. What a slut! I mean, the opposite. What an unslut, which is so much worse.
In the end, Winston gets some. Jess doesn't, then tries to get some with Schmidt (umm, what?!), but is interrupted by Nick who catches her with the box of condoms and his horrified (AS HE SHOULD BE!). He then drags her away from the condoms and a terrible decisions. Which is good because inside Schmidt's, Cece's dirty twirl is about to be satisfied. And the two girls finally have sexy time!
The whole thing ends with Jess calling Cece and confessing her near sin, as a sleepy Schmidt drapes himself all over his gorgeous conquest.
If I had to rate this one, I'd give it:
90 out of 100
SEX!!!!!!!!!! YEAH! Best... episode... ever... this Tuesday... on FOX!
I'm a dude.
Fuck ya if you don't like it.