23 January, 2012

ALCATRAZ 1.03: 'Kit Nelson'


You know what's a good way to make me not want to watch a show?

Do a story about a dude who likes to kill kids.

I don't even like watching LAW & ORDER: SVU because I find sex crimes story lines to be super creepy. But killing kids ranks even higher on the list of things I don't find entertaining. I'm weird like that.

So, this show decided to do one of those child murderer story lines because the sick fucks who watch CBS or DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES or DANCING WITH THE STARS or whateverthefuck is popular these days, love this shit. Because you are all sick fucks who should be in prison.

Anyway, so Hurley is in it. And the cute blond along with her tucked away ample bosom (prominently on display last week). And Sam Wise's shitty American accent. And some bullshit plotting where Hurley ends up in a diner with the kidnapper and his victim... and the blond doesn't even call SWAT. Oh and there is a flashback sequence between Kit and his father that is more overacted than a Spanish channel soap opera. Actually, the whole episode is full of overacting and horrendous writing. Which means it should get several Golden Globe nominations.

When this show is cancelled, "Kit Nelson" should replace the phrase "jumped the shark."

If I had to rate this one, I'd give it:

-15 out of 100

Hurley. Blond. Everything else was a pointless waste of my fuckin' time.

Remember when I said I would stick with this show? I am rethinking that. Unless the writers decide to do a will-they-won-they between Hurley and blond chick. Not that I give a shit if they end up together, I just think it would be insanely cool to make her fall for a big cute fat dude.


15 comments:

  1. I thought just the same thing. I watched the whole episode hoping for something about the deeper story but was not entertained at all by the procedural portion. It made me sick, actually. And then all I got was some bs about Hurley's childhood. wtf.

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  2. So happy you wrote this. I felt exactly the same way. How am I supposed to be entertained by this? It was the most useless procedural episode you can find on better shows. Where is JJ Abrams' genius? This is the best he can do? Appropriately scored.

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  3. Vader's My Little Pony PillowJanuary 23, 2012 at 11:34 PM

    I can always count on you to put it in perspective. Are there Razzies for television shows? Instant winner. However, blondie in the rain was a little bit hot.

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    1. Yeah, she looked hawt in the rain. Which is why it wasn't a -45 out of 100.

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  4. I haven't seen the episode but i'd like to make an observation.

    Since the show is about recapturing dead Alcatraz inmates that are reappearing.

    When you do a show about criminals that were in prison you are going to come across episodes where they have to capture rapists and serial killers.

    I can appreciate that you don't like shows with that type of subject matter but shouldn't you have expected them to do something like that at some point.

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    1. If it was done well, I'd have less of a problem with it. But it sucks. Plus, pure procedural episodes, even on shows I love, bore me unless they are funny or are beautifully dramatic and acted.

      None of that happened in this one. It was just a melodramatic bummer.

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  5. I'm kind of disappointed in general that something that was potentially so creepy and supernatural is turning into yet another Goddamn procedural. Like L'n'O and CSI and NCIS--even House, let's face it--aren't enough on that? Ugh.

    I was looking for this to maybe help fill the hole Chuck is going to leave, and was hoping it might be another Lost. I'll give it a few more weeks because of Jorge Garcia, but color me not impressed. This week especially, because the child murderer subject matter really was just played gratuitously and that pisses me off.

    Cor

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    1. I don't know if they are all going to be this blatantly procedural in nature, but if they are, even Hurley won't keep me watching.

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    2. Agreed with that, HGF. Unless they start focusing more on what the fuck happened with the time warp and on the actual characters and less on "catch the inmate menace of the week" procedurals, this one's a no go for me.

      Considering the listed titles of the first five or six episodes (the pilot excepted) are all the first and last names of various men, though, not too promising.

      Also, random thought: what are the odds any of these prisoners will ever wake up in 2012 and just go "Fuck, man, I'm suddenly out of Alcatraz with money and ID and everything in my pocket for a fresh start, so I'm gonna just lay low, enjoy my freedom, and *not* go on a violent crime spree so they capture me again"? Sure, chances are there would be plenty of re-offenders but you'd think there seriously should be a few that just walk off into the sunset.

      Cor

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  6. Yeah, there has to be more to this show than just creepy criminals from Alcatraz who suddenly end up in 2012 and decide to do evil.

    Granted, the masses probably love the lack of a serialized story.

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  7. Unless it's a massive conspiracy where they're basically mindfucked into crime sprees by whatever puppetmasters might have brought them forward to 2012, yeah. But even that's so easy to make incredibly lame.

    Three episodes and I'm critiquing plot holes and holes in the very show structure. As I've said here with "Chuck", I can overlook a lot if the narrative and the character journey is compelling. That I'm unable to do that here is not a good sign.

    You're probably right--they'll love it. Procedurals are no-effort shows for the viewer. They don't require weekly investment and they don't really require long-term investment since the characters do the same shit every week and rarely develop beyond thin stereotypes, so you can miss an entire *season* and just jump back in.

    I mean, NCIS epitomizes that for me. From its ratings and talking to fans of it, people almost hysterically *adore* that shit, but nine seasons and its characters still appear to be just a collection of tropes to me: the gruff supervisor, the smirky bad boy, the no-nonsense badass girl (and the UST she has with the smirky bad boy), the awkward nice guy, the geeky tech whiz, the weird Medical Examiner, etc.

    Cor

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    1. Which is why I don't watch shows like CSI... or PERSONA OF INTEREST (a show I actually enjoyed for three episodes) for that matter.

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  8. Yeah, smart call. I mostly know about NCIS from friends watching it while I'm around. Never got into it, never got into CSI.

    Give it ten years and we'll be seeing the twelfth spinoff, "CSI: Omaha".

    Cor

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    1. Or CSI: OMAHA BEACH that is set during the WW2 invasion of Normandy.

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  9. With Nazi who are also randomly zombies as the criminals.

    Cor

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