The 5th episode of my new favorite show... on FOX... on Tuesdays, had another adorable skip and hop to dorkyland and I'm here to tell you aboot it. I did that aboot for the Canadian readers who otherwise have to live in a cold, empty land with free health care and Tim Hortons. That's what we call a shoot-oot.
Goddamn lame Canadian jokes! Is this what the site has become? This is almost as bad as doing a weekly SUPERNATURAL article... which will start this coming weekend! Alright, let me get to the episode.
Cece gets into an argument with her DJ significant other at a club and she is super upset about it.
Cece: I really felt Gavin was different. Didn't you feel like he was different?
Jess: Yeah. I mean he seemed like a really nice European DJ with a face tattoo.
Jess thinks she would be better off staying with her and the dudes, because what a hot super model type needs is horny above average guys who think they deserve a girl of her caliber to rub up against all night like a pack of wolves.
Back at the apartment, Schmidt has decided to wear a kimono for relaxing purposes. Winston is a bit disturbed and mockingly rips his pants off in protest and adorns himself with tissue paper.
Schmidt: You are laughing in the face of thousands of years of Samurai culture and it's an affront, Winston! It's an affront!
When the girls arrive at the apartment, Jess gathers the guys up for a little talk about her friend, totally unaware that she is giving the boys carte blanche (ooh, fancy words!) to try to get sexy like a meow meow with her besty.
Jess: Cece's really vulnerable right now and when she's drunk, she has no boundaries. So she's really grabby, really physical. She's really loose with her body. So I just wanna apologize in advance for anything she might do.
Schmidt: (trying really hard to act cool) Good to know.
Winston: Yeah, thanks for telling us.
When Jess next sees her friends, the boys have totally taken advantage of Cece's looseness (have I ever mentioned that drunk sluts are like the best thing ever? No? Should I not have just mentioned that?) and are having some kind of dance party with her. Well, except for Nick who is grumpily watching it all unfold. When Cece tries to drag him onto the makeshift dance floor, he protests.
Nick: No, I don't dance. I'm from the town in FOOTLOOSE.
When Cece gets a bit too physical and tries to rip Nick's shirt off, he suggests it may be time for her to do the sleepy time. Schmidt then sheep-dog dance-herds her drunken sexy ass into the bedroom. I have never done this... and feel deprived.
Schmidt, having herded Cece into his bed, runs out into the living-room to declare his success..
Schmidt: Yes! She is sleeping on my sheets right now. Not yours, bro! Mine!
Schmidt then proceeds to run up the wall, then tumble around the floor mumbling to himself.
Winston: (to Nick) You know what? I think I might actually have a chance with her. I just have to be cooler than that guy.
Schmidt: Parkour! (jumping up) A wise man once foretold of a magical night where I would engage in non-sexual foreplay with a model, my friends. And tonight...
Nick: Don't say...
Schmidt: (together) ...is that night!
The next morning, as Cece showers off the drunk and man-sweat from her sweet, delicate, soft like a pillow-made-of-angels body, the boys gather in the gym sized bathroom that exists only in the land of TV. Cece sticks out her head from the shower and asks if the water gets any hotter.
Winston: (flustered) Guhhh, dudud do you want me uhhh... I mean I I could, if you, if you...
Nick: I can... I'm good at fixing... yeah, I'm good at fixing, also.
Jess comes in to rescue poor defenseless babe-in-the-woods Cece from the rape monsters. When Nick puts himself in a position to be touched by Cece, Jess is not happy.
Jess: I'm disappointed with all if you, especially you!
Nick: It was a bad moment...
Jess: (whispering) I thought you were better than that.
Nick: I know, I am, sometimes.
Jess leaves, allowing the real guy talk, that all the ladies miss in the real world when they leave the room, to commence.
Schmidt: Did you see that cleavage? I just wanna get my arm stuck down there. Like 127 HOURS style. And then, and then (makes a sawing motion on his arm) sssss, sssss, sssss. I'll just cut if for days. I don't care, I'll cut through the bone and nerve (makes a breaking sound).
Meanwhile, Cece thinks Nick has a thing for Jess and implants the thought into Jess' brainz that he wants to make nekkid-time with her. This freaks Jess out and causes some hilarious overreaction from her anytime Nick does anything remotely nice, caring, or just not douchie. There is a pretty funny bit in a store where Jess is trying to get Nick to stop pointing his feet at her, since Cece explained it means he wants her.
Now back at the homestead, where the air makes you choke, and people don't know you, and trust is a joke, Cece is sunbathing on the roof and Winston decides to call into question Schmidt's ability to "close." Schmidt is frightened by the roof because of a cat that roams the area.
Winston: You mean to tell me you'll let a cat stop you from all that?
Schmidt: It's a bird cat, man. It's very dangerous. Look it up, double-rabies.
Eventually Nick does one too many almost nice things for Jess and she escapes his car and runs home alone, the wrong way, frightened that he wants to butt-sex-rape her or something. Who knows, really, since Jess' brain is a tad screwy in the cabeza. When she finally arrives home, she is disturbed by the amount of hotness exuding from her body.
Jess: His feet were pointed directly at me the whole time! Did I do this? Am I dressing too provocatively? Do I need to get thicker pajamas? Maybe it's my posture. I have really sexy posture.
When Nick returns he is very upset that Jess escaped his rape-plan, or something about being concerned for her safety, whichever. Cece still interprets this as romantic feelings and tells Jess she will talk to Nick about it. Jess refuses to let Cece do any such thing and they wrestle, then talk. That wrestling bit should really have gone on longer and gotten a lot hotter. Just sayin'.
As the girls talk out their feelings, Jess let's Cece know just how different they are.
Jess: I like moving slow! I like being weird and taking my time. I'm not like you. I don't just jump in the potato-sack with the first potato that I meet with diabetes.
Cece: OK, what did you just say?
Jess: You heard me, bitch!
Why can't I meet a girl this adorkable? WHY?!
In the end, Schmidt finally gets to sleep in the bed with Cece and they hold hands and some other shit happens.
If I had to score this episode, I would give it:
85 out of 100.
It was very funny in spots and Jess was sometimes adorable while also having a good amount of weird-annoying in her that added to the quirkiness. This was more Schmidt's episode as he tried to score some physical contact with a model. Nick and Jess continue their subtle will-they-won't-they with some wacky moments. It loses some points for not being as memorable as previous episodes and falling a bit flat in the awesomely quotable category.