I’d first like to take a second here and tell you that watching this week’s episode “Mr. Softee” taught me more about baseball than any other given moment of my life, and I AM from Boston, so what does that tell you? Right, I know. It’s muy pathetico, but what ya gonna do?
Now, without further adieu, let’s take a look at what happened to LD’s life this week in the Big Apple.
1. The story starts out with our hero eating fish in a restaurant with his date, Jennifer, played by the talented and hilarious Ana Gasteyer from SNL. Ok, she’s not Rachel Dratch “Debbie Downer” funny but you should check out her Celine Dion impression. It’s a knee slapper, kids, a knee slapper. Anywho, Susie and Jeff are also there, which makes me think that the only place these two don’t follow Larry is the toilet, the doctor’s (only for a rectal exam), and his bedroom IF he’s having sex. Jeff and LD fight over the fact that they both ordered different meals so that they could share and when the food arrives, Jeff retracts his offer to share. This is an ethical issue for the ages. It can't be taken lightly.
2. We finally meet Larry’s shrink in New York. And by finally, I mean we all assumed that he was seeing one, so there’s really no surprise there. Dr. Thurgood (played by Fred Melamed that you might remember from A Serious Man by the Coen brothers) is what you’d expect LD’s shrink to look like: balding, four-eyed, sporting tweed and need I say it? Jewish. Is it just me or is a shrink supposed to remind you of a well-respected Ivy league university professor? LD shares with Thurgood his childhood trauma. Way back when, Leib son of Nat, played strip poker with the daughter of a Mr. Softee ice cream truck driver in said truck. Leib, clearly an inexperienced poker player, lost the game, therefore forfeiting his underpants to the little pervy girl. Unfortunately for him, her father walked in and kicked his little white ass out of the truck, where all the people in the street humiliated him. Now, every time Larry hears the Mr. Softee jingle, his mind goes straight back to that memory. Thank god there’s no pavlovian reflex because imagine if hearing that jingle made him take off his clothes? Yeesh, that shit would be wack. Instead, hearing the jingle made him go “softee” in the sack and cost him the baseball (or was it softball? Who the fuck knows?) game for Yari’s automatics.
3. LEON IS BACK IN THE MOTHER FUCKIN’ HOUSE Y’ALL – AND BOY IS SPORTIN’ GLASSES. Why you ask? Because according to Larry David and clearly the creator of Family Matters, black men wearing glasses get more respect and are treated better (“White people revere black people in glasses, they go out of their way to do shit for them”) – and the proof is there! Thanks to the glasses, Leon was allowed back into the building, he was able to get LD and him in line for Baseballcon, AND he got Thurgood to tear up Larry’s bill for the free session at the convention.
4. Now, my least favorite part of the whole episode, which is talking about baseball. To be honest, the only parts I enjoyed were when Bill Buckner went to the Shiva and got ousted by a Red Sox fan and Jerry Adler (aka Hesh from The Sopranos) and when he saved the baby from the burning building. I felt bad for the dude being heckled everywhere he went. It’s like, are you a major league baseball player? You aren't? Then shut the fuck up ass hole. You know what I mean? But then again, I’m not a baseball fan so… maybe I should shut the fuck up. In other baseball news, LD got for Jeff a Mookie Wilson autographed baseball – that Buckner lost by missing a catch – but that Leon got back by stealing it from Thurgood’s office. Curb has come full circle – or full diamond if you will. Padum pssshh (that’s my drum/cymbal bad joke onomatopoeia).
5. FINALLY, the moment we’ve (I’ve) been waiting for. LD’s car seat that gives women insta-gasms. Like Leon said, “this chair is a fuck machine”, it’s a “moving dildo”. Imagine if that seat was the driver’s seat? Bitches, we would be in trou-bleeeeeee. Now, I laughed seeing Ana Gasteyer have an orgasm on the vagitator, but nothing compares to seeing my girl Susie let one out. Bitch sounded like two hippos having sex. No wonder Jeff sleeps around. He probably doesn’t know whether he’s pleasuring her or suffocating her. Poor Larry, he probably won’t be able to go to the zoo anymore without getting horrible flashbacks. He should see Dr. Thurgood about that.
Babydoll’s by the way…
-Black guys wearing glasses make them more reliable and smarter? I take offense, because when blondes wear glasses no one takes us seriously, they just think of us as dirty librarians or secretaries that “fanny around with press releases”.
-Car Periscope? Car seat vibrator! That shit needs to go on sale at Brookstone’s stat! Of course, security measures would have to be worked out but at least with this invention we’d stop being backseat drivers.
-Only Larry would go on for more than 30 seconds on whether or not he feels comfortable putting his feet up on his shrink’s coffee table.
-YES, so now we know why LD says "pretty pretty good". If only we knew more how LD became LD. Those in favor for flashbacks say "AYE"!
Curb your political correctness…
-“She was coming downstairs”.
-“You like a mixed nut? You like a chip and a dip? I’m completely dipless”.
-“I have overcome GOD DAMNIT!”
-And…the best line of all time: “AND WE WILL FUCK THEIR SISTERS IN THE CUNT!” You can be sure that I will start using this proficiently.