Last night's WILFRED blessed us with two awesome episodes in a row! So here are the most quotable moments from both:
WILFRED 1.09 - Compassion
Ryan: She couldn't handle the pressure. She was looking for a place to hide and crawled up the chimney. The fire department had to pry her out.
Wilfred: I had a similar situation with my penis and a vacuum hose. I had to cut the tube just to break free. I still jizzed but out of spite not pleasure.
Ryan: Is this wise? It's been 20-years. The world has changed! High def TV and... other things.
Doctor: Well she hasn't been in a coma! We have cable!
Wilfred (talking to a group of ducks): Fellas come here, I just wanna talk to you. I'm not gonna hurt yas. I'm not gonna hurt yas. (runs after them) I'LL KILL YOU!!!
Ryan: The doctor wants my mom to come stay with me.
Wilfred: And I assume you told him to blow you. We don't need that crazy old broad cramping our style!
Mom: You look like your father, minus the thin lips and the soulless eyes.
Mom: Indian chief! (makes noises and dances) That was a little racist but it was fun.
Wilfred: How was that racist? Indians do that all the time.
Wilfred (angry): What kind of animal are you?! You leave your own mom, in here?
Ryan: But you said...
Wilfred: She let a doctor stick his hands inside her uterus so you could live!
Wilfred: You know what this is? (holds his thumb and index finger slightly apart)
Ryan: Let me guess, the length of my dick?
Wilfred: No. It's the amount of compassion you've shown towards your mom. And the length of your dick. They happen to be equal in this case. It doesn't happen often but it's pretty cool when this shit lines up. Like an eclipse.
Wilfred: Did mom complain to you when you made a mess of her lady parts during child birth?
Ryan: You son of a bitch!
Wilfred: How is that an insult? I've never understood that.
Ryan: Eat shit! EAT SHIT!
Wilfred: Again, your tone says insult but what I'm hearing is a tempting offer.
Doctor: Well, you've made a lot of progress over the last three days and based on years of diagnostic experience and your lack of health insurance, it is my medical opinion that you are not a danger to yourself or to others and I'm releasing you.
WILFRED 1.10 - Isolation
Wilfred: Ryan, I'm gonna be straight with you. This isolating is becoming a problem. People are starting to think you're weird. 'It puts the lotion in the basket' weird.
Wilfred: There is one that dwells within our midst that is unworthy of that fellowship. An evil, parasitic maggot! Creature so vile, diarrhea holds its nose when he walks by.
Wilfred: BULLSHIT! BULLSHIT! Hey, why am I the only one with a torch?
Wilfred: You got baked and blacked out, then cut your hand on a broken car window whilst committing a series of burglaries. Allegedly! We need to start saying that.
Ryan: I, I would never!
Wilfred: Never what? Shit in your neighbor's boot? Have sex with a stuffed giraffe in front of a small child? You'd be surprised what we're capable of once we put our mind to it.
Wilfred: Ryan, there you are. I've been looking for you everywhere. Bob and Shirley Reinhardt are about to Karaoke the tits off Summer Lovin'!
Wilfred: So long, Andy! Let's see your black magic save you from getting gang stomped in juvie.
Wilfred: You're right. You know what you should do? March on over to Mrs. Stevenson's house and tell her the truth. Your neighbor's dog masterminded multiple break-ins and planted evidence on her child.
Wilfred: Don't worry, Ryan. Trash Face is probably smiling down on us from heaven right now. Hell, I bet he just found a fresh vein in one of his angel wings.