09 August, 2011
Fan Road Map to Saving TV Shows
With the recent news that SyFy has cancelled EUREKA after its fifth season, and that NBC has done the same to CHUCK, fans are in an uproar over the loss of their favorite shows. Well, I have come up with the best ideas ever for how fans can save the shows they love and people need to put these into action NOW! So please spread the word, this is the ONLY WAY you can SAVE [Insert Show Here]! Fans can do anything if they put their mind and effort into it (not really but delusion is the new black dress of modern-day fandoms).
KIDNAP A NETWORK/STUDIO EXECUTIVE FOR YOUR SHOW
These guys and gals make decisions to renew or cancel shows. The least you can do is stalk one of them and then pull them into your van when they least expect it and chloroform them unconscious! Then, have them call their bosses using a burner cell phone (don't be stupid and use your own or theirs, the FBI will trace it in seconds) demanding that your show be renewed or you start making them watch DANCING WITH THE STARS (I hear they use this method to torture Gitmo detainees).
Now, I know you are going to ask: "But wouldn't it work to our disadvantage to kidnap someone? It sounds like this wouldn't work at all. It would just make us look like horrible people and total idiots."
Of course it won't work! Which is exactly why you should do it! The more unlikely something is to work, the more likely fans are to adopt it and pretend it makes a difference. Why would anyone do something that works? Stuff that works takes real effort. Stuff that doesn't work only takes a few clicks on the Internet.
STOP A PLANETARY INVASION FOR [INSERT SHOW HERE]
This one may take some extra special work but... we all know the aliens are mounting up for the invasion on our home world and it is important that everyone be ready for it. While it is paramount to vanquish the invaders, one shouldn't lose sight of the big picture. SAVING [INSERT SHOW HERE]! So, get your webcam rolling as you capture an invading rat eating lizard in pasty skin and then probe his (or her, lets not get sexist here) sensitive areas with a cattle-prod. Make sure to dress the godless satanist in your favorite show gear and to quote your favorite episode as you beat its squishy skull in with a baseball bat you named after a character on the show you love. Then post the video to YouTube and let the partner dollars roll in... along with a new season of [Insert Show Here] and perhaps a medal of freedom or some crap.
DIAL RANDOM NUMBERS
This one is even easier. Just pick up the phone and dial any random number of digits until the phone rings and someone picks up. Do this until you have spoken to every Nielsen member in the country. Convince them to watch the show you love. Otherwise it is kind of a dumber idea than it rightfully sounds.
WIN THE LOTTERY
This one is probably easier than dialing every number in the phone book looking for members of a ratings collection agency whose sampling is around 1% of the country. Play some big time lottery. Use the quick pick option. Buy just one ticket. Win. Now, take the lump-sum payout option. You will likely need to win around $300 million so you may need to repeat this a couple of times. Now, buy the show from the studio and make 10 more seasons.
Raise $50,000 via PayPal donations and then buy a mass email spam list. Now, send 100 million people an email asking them to watch the show you love! Seriously, why am I the first one to think of that one? I can't believe you numbnuts wasted your time on flash mobs and cold dialing for Nielsen families and spamming advertisers when this goldmine of an epic idea was just chillin' like a villain in my brain.
KILL BIN LADEN FOR YOUR FAVORITE SHOW
Mission accomplished! Unfortunately, I came up with the idea a while ago but was sworn to secrecy. I probably shouldn't be talking about it. OPSEC!
PRIVATE MODELING... FOR [INSERT SHOW HERE]?
Contact me via email, girls. Ummm... I hope this didn't just get creepy.
PRETEND THE POINT ABOVE THIS ONE NEVER HAPPENED
I blame the lack of sleep plus eight cups of coffee and a Snickers.... plus, I am male.
BUY TONS OF DVDs AND GIVE THEM TO FRIENDS
Go here and start ordering. Get people into the show over the next few months and they will tune in. This will bring in more viewers and increase ratings resulting in the network ordering more episodes and seasons. I know, this is the nuttiest idea of them all but you have to understand that I am desperate and delusional enough to believe this crazy method might just work.
BEAT YOURSELF ABOUT THE SKULL
Grab something solid and just beat yourself upside the cranium for a few minutes. Now, once your eyes are almost able to focus, start typing whatever random things pop into your bramaged dain! Email it to that fan on Twitter with five followers and have him create a fan campaign page for the idea(s). Now, spam everyone who works on the show to retweet this campaign idea until it gets noticed by a well known blogger on a slow news day. Now, just watch the snowball effect of your idea becoming reality as no one sane actually does it, but a few nutjobs who read it after having it retweeted by someone working on the show who just wants to be helpful and positive, actually run with it. When the show is suddenly picked up for more episodes or renewed due to some financial deal between the studio and network, CLAIM CREDIT for having made it happen. Then, utilize the kindness of those working on the show and have them retweet you claiming credit until it is restated enough times that it just becomes a reality (you know, like when Michael Jackson called himself the "King of Pop" until people, having read it enough times in his press releases, just started calling him that... repetition is an amazing manipulation tool).
What are you waiting for? GET OUT THERE AND SAVE YOUR SHOW!